Jerry stakes out a law firm lobby to run into a woman he met at a party — with George playing backup as a fictional architect.
JerrySo, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of
them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both
of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to audience
for response)
AudienceCheque
JerryCheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's
writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that
women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out so many
cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know
where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for
the cheque book-- the cheque book comes out of a holster: ["draws" imaginary
book from an imaginary holster] ``Who do I make it out to?... There's my
ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine.
I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is like a note
from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you
just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have
these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''
[End monologue]
Open at a video store where Jerry and some woman named "Elaine" are
apparently looking to rent a movie for the night.
JerryWhat's that one?
Elaine"Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there...
JerryMaybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if
she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I
gotta have a Lo mein!"
ElaineOkay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*.
JerryOh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.
Jerry shows Elaine some movie from the Adult section that's probably
called "The Sperminator", or something...
ElaineOh, lovely...
JerryYeah...
ElaineWhat do you think their parents think?
Jerry"So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"
"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."
ElaineY'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's
birthday.
JerryPamela? Do I know her?
ElaineYeah, you met her when we were going out.
JerryOh yeah, right...
ElaineYou have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you?
Jerry[quickly] No.
ElaineBlonde hair remember? Glasses? [pause] Have you *totally* blocked
out the entire time we were a couple?
Bing!
JerryRiverside Drive.
ElaineRight! In fact... No, never mind...
JerryWell, what is it?
ElaineWell, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some
bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that... no.
JerryWait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here.
ElaineWhat little deal?
JerryI will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I
have on Saturday.
ElaineA *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?
JerryY'know, my parents are coming in for this...
ElaineThey're coming in?
JerryYeah, tomorrow.
ElaineHey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
JerryNo, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across.
ElaineWhy does he do that?
JerryDoesn't think anyone can tell?
JerrySo c'mon, do we have a deal?
ElaineA *wedding*?
JerryThere's a lot of people to mock...
ElaineAlright, what the Hell.
JerryGreat!
WomanWhen you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin'
anywhere...
Still haven't figured *that* one out yet. Nevertheless, at the bar
the next night...
ElaineC'mon lets go, c'mon...
JerryWas I supposed to bring something?
ElaineYou could have.
JerryI met her *one* time...
ElaineIt is not necessary.
JerryWhat did you say then?
ElaineSssshhhhhh!!!
PamelaHi
ElaineHi Pamela, you remember Jerry.
PamelaYes, we met.
JerryHi, happy birthday.
PamelaAhh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
GuestsHi
JerryI didn't bring anything.
PamelaAhh, I put you two right here.
JerryOh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know what
to bring, nobody told me.
They sit down at a table next to each other. The piano man plays
your basic "one-step-up-from-elevator-music" (simply 'cuz you're not
stuck in an elevator while listening to it). Across from Jerry is
a strikingly beautiful woman. She speaks:
VanessaHow big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?
JerryI'm in for five...
VanessaI'll supply the hat.
Jerry[To himself] Uh-oh... What do we have here...
VanessaWhy don't you relax and take your jacket off?
JerryOh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.
VanessaHow masculine...
JerryPlus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my tattoos.
[To himself] She's unbelievable!
The guy beside Venus, er, I mean Vanessa interrupts to tell her about this
unseen guy next to him.
Roger[To Vanessa] Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker...
VanessaOh, you know Bricker! From where?
With their conversation interrupted, Jerry ponders to himself...
Jerry[To himself] What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, she's
too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
anyway with Elaine next to me...
Vanessa[To Jerry] How do you know Pamela?
JerryFriend of a friend. And you?
VanessaWe went to law school together.
ElaineOh, Jerry!
Jerry[To himself] Oh no, not *now*...
ElaineI had this dream last night and you were in it.
JerryOh really... [To himself] Oh God, I gotta get out of this...
ElaineYou were you, but, you weren't you...
JerryNo kidding... [To himself] Why is this happening? Please, make
her stop!
ElaineI think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were
standing there, you were looking out the window--
Jerry[To himself] This is *brutal*...
ElaineYou turned around and you had these wooden teeth...
JerryHow do you like that... [To himself] Can I turn now? Is this
over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
ElaineJerry? Are you listening to me?
JerryYes, I *heard* you.
PamelaElaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took me to that
time?
Jerry[To himself] Thank *you*, Pamela!
Jerry[To Vanessa] So, you're a lawyer...
VanessaSagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Jerry[To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...
[To Vanessa] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
VanessaOh, that was you!
JerryImagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
VanessaVery funny! What do you do?
JerryComedian.
VanessaReally... That explains it...
Jerry[To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
RogerAre you ready?
VanessaWe gotta run. Happy birthday!
The two of them get up an leave. Jerry panics n his own mind...
Jerry[To himself] I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't even
know her name!
Oh, poor Jerry. If only he would read my episode capsules, he would've
known her name 70 lines ago...
Jerry[To himself, *very* quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and
Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...
A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration. After the party, in
the cab home...
JerryThat wasn't so bad, really...
ElaineY'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.
JerryWhy? What did I do?
You mean besides not bringing anything?
ElaineWell, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses",
like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
JerryI was listening!
ElaineNo! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".
Okay Jerry. Bottom of the ninth. Two on, down by one. Two strikes on
you. Let's see how you do in the clutch...
JerryNo, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
ElaineUh-huh...
So far, so good.
JerryWhere you had, uh, wooden teeth.
Oops. Whiff.
ElaineNo! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth! *I*
didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!
JerryAlright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what?
ElaineSo nothing... Nothing...
Cut to Jerry in a nightclub somewhere, doing another monologue...
JerryApparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic
relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after
himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic". My
idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out*
with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and go
right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''
I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get
relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet
you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: ``Hi, my name's
Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a
*"Riconic"* relationship...''
Jerry gets home after the party. His place is characteristically not
vacant, but it's not Kramer inside-- it's his folks.
JerryHey!
MortyAh, there he is!
JerryThis is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your
bed!
HelenY'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
JerryWhat are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you here...
HelenTomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
JerryMa, will you stop?
HelenNo, why should we take over your apartment?
JerryI don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.
HelenYour friend Kramer doesn't mind?
JerryNo, he's making a bouillabaisse.
JerrySo Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big
law offices?
MortyDepends on the firm.
JerryYeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they
would know who it was?
MortyWhat's the matter? You need a lawyer?
JerryNo, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I
don't know her name.
MortySo why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
JerryNah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
HelenWhy not?
JerryBecause it's complicated-- there's some tension there.
HelenHe used to go with her...
HelenWhich one is she?
MortyFrom Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered
cherries you didn't like.
MortyOh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
JerryOh yeah, she's great.
HelenSo, how come nothing materialized there?
JerryWell, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...
HelenI know what it was...
JerryYou don't know what it was...
HelenSo, what was it?
JerryWell, we fight a lot for some reason...
Both his parents respond in that "You know so little son, that's to be
expected", sarcastic, know-it-all tone...
H + MOh, well...
JerryAnd there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...
Oops. Cat got your collective tongue, folks? They occupy themselves
for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to *that*...
HelenWell, I think she's a very attractive girl.
JerryOh, she is, she absolutely is.
HelenI can see if there was a *weight* problem...
JerryNo, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.
Why, Jerry? How could anyone not like you?
HelenYou know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
Except maybe Jerry. Right, Mrs. Seinfeld?
JerryI know, I know...
MortyY'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
HelenIdiot... [To Jerry] So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren?
JerryThat's got *nothin'* to do with it.
MortyHow about Loni Anderson?
HelenWhere do you get Loni Anderson?
MortyWhy, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
HelenI like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...
That makes a bunch of us, Mrs. Seinfeld...
JerryWhat are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't "the one".
HelenAnd this other one's "the one"?
JerryI dunno, maybe...
MortySo ask Elaine there for the number.
JerryI can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women with her,
especially this one tonight.
HelenHow could you still see her if your not interested?
JerryWe're *friends*.
MortyDoesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd
ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?
JerryOh yeah...
Yeah, but can he say it six times fast? Actually, he probably can...
MortyWell, go up to the office.
HelenUp to her office?
MortyGo to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
JerryI guess...
MortySo, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to
come down for lunch.
JerryYou mean "stakeout" the lobby?
HelenMorty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!
MortyHe doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.
HelenSo you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*! What
happens when he sees her?
MortyHe pretends he *bumped* into her!
JerryY'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea...
At the building, G+J start to plot their strategy.
GeorgeWhat does she look like?
JerryI dunno. Hard to say.
GeorgeWhat actress does she remind you of?
JerryLoni Anderson.
GeorgeLoni Anderson?!
JerryWhat, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?
JerryHey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it.
GeorgeYeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides, you think
I wanna miss this?
JerryI'm a little nervous.
GeorgeYeah, me too...
JerryIf I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?
GeorgeYou came to see me; I work in the building.
JerryWhat do you do?
GeorgeI'm an *architect*.
JerryYou're an *architect*?
GeorgeI'm not?
JerryI don't see architecture comin from you...
GeorgeI suppose *you* could be an architect...
JerryI never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else...
GeorgeAlright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which is remote.
JerryWell what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?!
GeorgeWe're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building.
JerryWhat is *his* name?
GeorgeBert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
JerryBert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
GeorgeNo good? Alright, how about Art... Corr.....
JerryArt Corr...
George...velay...
JerryCorvelay?
GeorgeYeah, right.
JerryWell, what does *he* do?
GeorgeHe's an importer.
JerryJust imports, no exports?
GeorgeHe's an importer/exporter, okay?
GeorgeSay, did Elaine ever call you back?
JerryNo, I guess she's still mad.
GeorgeI don't understand, you never talk to her about other women?
JerryNever.
Bing! The elevator opens up and...
JerryWait a second... That's her... on the right.
GeorgeI forgot who I am! Who am I?!
JerryYou're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
GeorgeVandelay!
JerryCorvelay!
GeorgeLet me be the architect, I can do it!
Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.
JerryHey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there...
Jerry.
VanessaSure! Hi!
JerryThis is George. ["Grasps" for her name] I'm sorry...
VanessaVanessa.
GeorgeNice to meet you.
JerryAh, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.
VanessaThat's right! What're you doing here?
JerryOh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the
building.
GeorgeYeah, Art *Vandelay*.
VanessaReally? Which company?
JerryI don't know. He's an importer.
VanessaImporter?
George...And exporter.
JerryHe's an importer/exporter.
GeorgeI'm, uh, I'm an architect.
VanessaReally. What do you design?
GeorgeUh, railroads, uh...
VanessaI thought engineers do that.
GeorgeThey can...
JerryY'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
VanessaOh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.
JerryOh, that guy was your *cousin*!
VanessaYeah, and that woman was your--
JerryFriend!
GeorgeI'll just, uh, get a paper...
JerrySo, um, do you date immature men?
VanessaAlmost exclusively...
I'm next! I'm next!
After yours truly goes through a reality check, we cut to Jerry's
apartment where mother and son engage in a friendly game of Scrabble.
Jerry's Mom sings to herself while she apparently tries to make words
out of a meaningless string of letters.
HelenBum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...
JerryMa, will you go already?
HelenBum bum bum bum...
She picks up a nearby dictionary...
JerryWhat are you doing?!
HelenWait, I just want to see something...
JerryYou can't look in there, we're playing!
The K-Man cometh...
MortyEvening, Mr. Kramer!
KramerHey Morty! [To Jerry] Salad dressing?
JerryLook.
Helen"Quo"? Is that a word?
JerryMaybe!
HelenWill you challenge it?
JerryMa, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's cheating!
Kramer"Quo"? That's not a word.
Helen[To Jerry] You're such a stickler...
JerryWell put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes on this.
So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before the
wedding?
HelenThey'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She said
she'd be here at 2:30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went
well with Art... "Vandelay"?''
JerryShe said *what*?
HelenJust what I said, here.
She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.
JerryShe knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...
HelenShe knows what?
JerryShe knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator...
The brute secretly offers up a word to Mrs. Seinfeld...
HelenNo, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"...
MortySo, how did she find out?
JerryBecause, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told
Elaine.
While, they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry's tiles to confirm
that Jer doesn't have a "Z". This goes unnoticed by Jerry, who continues
to talk with his Pop...
MortySo, what are you? Afraid of her?
JerryYes. *Yes* *I* *am*!
JerryWhat else did she say on the phone?
HelenWhatever I wrote down.
JerryYeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
HelenWho am I, Rich Little?
MortyWell, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding.
JerryYeah, but now I'm nervous.
HelenOh, stop it.
She makes her move and tallies the points...
Jerry"Quone"?
Helen...30...31...
Jerry"Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
Helen...32...
KramerNo, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a
*definite* word.
JerryI am challenging...
KramerQuone: to quone something.
JerryUh-huh...
HelenI'm not playing with you anymore...
MortyQuone's not a word...
JerryNo good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off...
HelenWhy did you make me put that down?
KramerNah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets difficult,
you *quone* him...
End Act II. Open at Jerry's apartment with a few people mingling about,
waiting to go to the wedding. Jerry is talking to Carol <I miss the first
few seconds here. Sorry>
CarolYou want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work,
now that's a sitcom!
JerryYou must have quite a time down there. [Checks his watch]
CarolWe got plenty of time...
JerryOh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone...
MacWatch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next act!
JerryYeah, yeah...
MacJerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography.
JerryYeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...
MacIt's based on all my experiences!
JerryThat's perfect. [Elaine enters] Could you excuse me one second.
I'm sorry.
Jerry goes over and greets Elaine.
JerryHow do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.
ElaineOh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.
JerryUm, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get
in the car?
ElaineOh no, let's do it now.
JerryAlright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain--
ElaineOkay...
ArtieJerry, were you goin' with us?
JerryNo, I'm gonna take my car.
ArtieThat's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring the wagon?
JerryAnyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so
uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.
ElaineWell, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was
quite the spectacle.
CarolJerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.
ElaineOh, bye. Good to see you.
ArtieOh, we didn't meet.
JerryOh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine.
As in Liveen.
ArtieLe*vine*.
As in Levyne. He leaves with Carol.
JerryYeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp... Anyway, I
admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,
obviously we have a little problem here.
ElaineYeah, obviously.
JerryI mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about
other people...
ElaineCouldn't agree more.
JerryGood.
ElaineGood.
JerryGood.
ElaineGreat!
JerryGreat? Where do you get "great"?
ElaineIt's great to... talk about... other people...
Jerry...Guys.
ElaineYeah.
JerryUh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?
ElaineNo. A general guy.
JerryOh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...
ElaineWhat? No, it's not a big deal.
JerryNo, that's great! That's terrific!
ElaineNo, we just met...
JerryDoesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like to
meet him.
ElaineI don't think so...
JerryWell, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer
of some sort?
ElaineWall street.
JerryAhh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut.
ElaineAnd he happens to be pretty good lookin'
Jerry[pause] Alright, sir.
ElaineAnd... he's *hilarious*.
JerryNow that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
ElaineI "staked" out his health club.
This is why I'll never be a writer. To me, this would've been "stook
out". I'm such a dweeb...
JerryWhen you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up
against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...
Closing monologue
JerryY'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone,
or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone
and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.
Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you
know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to
entertain each other.
The one goes, "Look, a rabbit."
The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card."
"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night?
Okay?"