Quotes across all seasons
Season 1
"I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape."
"You made a man cry? I've never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didn't cry."
Season 2
"My father is a very intimidating man. He's ex-military. He spent twenty years in the army. He was stationed in some horrible places."
"I'm not going to be a novelist. It's not gonna happen. I'm a book editor. The best I can hope for is a job at Vogue."
Season 3
"Don't you think it's a little soon to be socialising with the girlfriend of a man who just tried to kill himself?"
"I just realized something. We never finish a sentence about Jerry when Jerry's not around."
Season 4
"The gate agent looked at me and said 'upgraded.' Just like that. I've been waiting my whole life for someone to say that to me."
"I wrote a character based on myself and the actress they cast is better-looking than me. I don't know how to feel."
Season 5
"Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to clothe homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!"
"I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. He could be eating a hero, he wouldn't offer me anything. It's a sickness."
Season 6
"Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay."
"Love the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas."
Season 7
"This Texan she says exactly what she thinks. No filter whatsoever. It's refreshing and also terrifying."
"She told my boss exactly what she thought of him. To his face. I've never seen anything like it."
Season 8
"Difficult! After everything I've been through, all the terrible things that have happened to my body in these offices, they call me difficult!"
"Nobody will fire Eddie. He's too scary. I'm scared of him, my boss is scared of him, everyone is scared of him."
Season 9
"I know, I'm glad I got to see him before he hit puberty and got, you know all lurchy and awkward."
"\"Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?\""
Other characters
