Cosmo Kramer

"I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? The last couple of days he's been acting very strange — I think he's avoiding me."

"I was gonna bring the spatula right back... I got caught up watching a soap opera. The Bold and the Beautiful."

"You should see a holistic healer. Western medicine treats symptoms. Hollistic medicine treats the person."

"We'll slip it in his drink. He won't taste it. He won't know anything happened until the next morning."

"I've always wanted to do this. You know, there comes a time in a man's life when he has to ask himself — where am I going? What am I doing? What have I accomplished? And if you don't ask those questions... you settle. Right?"

"George, I'm getting this Chinese baldness remedy. It actually works. You rub it on your head every day."

"The test of a great film is whether it stays with you. My short film will stay with people forever. They won't be able to shake it."

"I got confused on the floors. Instead of Checkmates I went to an Ace Ventura sequel by accident."

"KRAMER: First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. Every muscle she touches just... oozes. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy."

"I'm very good with sick people. They love me. When my friend Len Nicodemo had the gout, I moved into his hospital room for three days — the doctors were amazed at his recovery."

"Hey look, if you're going there, maybe you could pick me up some of this super hydrating, it's a total-protection moisturizer with Uva."

"The Yankees should go back to the original wool uniforms. Hot in summer, cold in spring. Builds character."

"The shower pressure. You have no idea what you're missing. It's like going from a garden hose to Niagara Falls."

"I'm doing the Da Vinci sleep. Twenty minutes every three hours. I'll be operating on a whole different level."

"The Peterman Charity Benefit. I'm running it. I've got a band, I've got a venue, I've got everything except anyone who wants to attend."

"Emily and I are incompatible in the sleeping department. She goes to bed at a different time than me and that is everything."

"\"I got three 'Pottery Barn' catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month.\" George, holding a magazine cover: \"Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?\""

"It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change."