Quotes across all seasons
Season 1
"Eggs: out, coffee: out, french fries: out, BLT: out! I go to visit my grandparents — three big brisket sandwiches — I'm sitting here with a carrot!"
"I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is — I look terrific in that mirror. I feel like Robert Wagner."
Season 2
"I walked into his office and told him to go to hell. There was a moment of silence and then — he said to go to hell right back."
"I've been waiting three years for the perfect moment. The perfect zinger. And when the moment finally comes — I freeze."
Season 3
"We're taking a limo. We're taking a limo that belongs to someone we don't know, to go somewhere we don't know. This is what I've been saying, Jerry — this is exactly what I've been saying."
"Three times! She said it three times! What is that? What does it mean after the first one? Are we so religious that we have to bless every single sneeze?"
Season 4
"Russell Dalrymple's daughter. I looked at his fifteen-year-old daughter's cleavage. I'm going to prison."
"I once saw a man get stabbed at the opera. It was during the stabbing scene. At first no one realized."
Season 5
"He's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. He's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses — he gets free pie!"
"I don't know if I got the job. He said 'we'll see you Monday' but he could have meant 'we'll see you Monday' as in see you around, or as in come to work Monday."
Season 6
"Look at that. They got lobster on the menu. Who would order a lobster here. I mean, do they bring a lobster in everyday hoping *todays* the day."
"If I caused the injury to Bette Midler and the understudy is great, am I responsible for a star being born?"
Season 7
"I've been thinking about this. Why do I always feel like I'm at the end of my rope? I have no job. No relationship. No prospects. I'm actually living with my parents."
"Worlds are colliding! You have no idea the magnitude of this thing. If relationship George walks through that door, he's dead."
Season 8
"I drove to Akron. For a comeback. I drove to Ohio to deliver a comeback to someone who probably doesn't even remember the original comment."
"She thinks I'm a bad boy. A dangerous rebel. All because I bootlegged a movie. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Season 9
"Oh yes, by no means, the mood. Let me know if there's anything I can do to lend support to the mood. [Takes of his shoes and smells the candle.]"
"Well, at the Yankees it was all about smoothing things over, you know, chiseling away, grinding down. In fact we used to call it 'the grind'."
Other characters
