The Phone Message

[Opening monologue]

JerryThe bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is

doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV

like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their

face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda

commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them?

"We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through

the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're

watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising

right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs,

jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much

ice in mine."

Monk's Diner, day. George and Jerry enter. George is excited:

GeorgeSo then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there,

and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her

out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I

interpret it like they're Psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm

supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there like -

remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? - that's what

I looked like.

JerrySo you didn't ask?

GeorgeNo, I froze.

Jerry(Points to counter) Counter.

GeorgeOh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office,

I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I

can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I

gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.

So Lloyd calls me a wuss.

JerryHe said wuss?

GeorgeYeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.

JerrySo you called. (They sit at counter)

GeorgeRight. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple,

because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it

makes you sound casual.

JerryYeah, like a farm boy.

GeorgeRight. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an

enthusiastic 'Hi!'

JerryWow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.

GeorgeOh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there.

JerryAlright, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic

'Hi!' Go ahead.

GeorgeSo, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them

out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you

doing Saturday night?"

JerryAnd?

GeorgeShe bought.

JerryGreat day in the morning.

GeorgeThen I got off the phone right away.

JerrySure, it's like robbing a bank: you don't loiter around in front of

the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out.

GeorgeIt's amazing: we, we both have dates on the same night. I can't

remember the last time that happened.

George's car, parked outside apartment building, night. George and his date

Carol

GeorgeI can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of

underwear.

CarolYou do not.

GeorgeAbsolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying

underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I

only have to do wash once a year.

(They both laugh)

Jerry's car, also parked outside an apartment building. Jerry and his

girlfriend Donna:

Jerry(In awful Scots/Irish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try

a Scottish accent.

DonnaThat's Irish.

JerryIrish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?

(Donna laughs)

Back to George and Carol:

DonnaSo, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.

GeorgeYeah. We should do this again.

DonnaWould you like to come upstairs for some coffee?

GeorgeOh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.

Donna(Looks disappointed) So, um, OK.

GeorgeOK.

DonnaGoodnight.

GeorgeYeah, take it easy.

(Donna leaves car. George realizes what he has done and bashes his

forehead in disgust)

Back to Jerry and Donna:

DonnaThanks again for the movie.

JerryYou're welcome.

DonnaI'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.

JerryOh, that's OK.

DonnaUnless you want to go to your place.

JerryOK, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking

for.

Back to George, driving, looking frustrated:

GeorgeTake it easy, huh, take it easy.

Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna sit on the sofa:

JerryI think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is

leave a note - it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was

brought up.

DonnaValues are very important.

JerryOh, so important. So what are you doing Thursday night - you wanna

have dinner?

DonnaThursday's great. (Moves closer)

Jerry(Looks at his pants) Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I

don't feel comfortable in them.

DonnaAre those Cotton Dockers?

JerryOh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.

DonnaReally? I like that commercial. (Jerry pauses)

JerryYou like that commercial?

DonnaYeah, it's clever.

JerryNow wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing

around, supposedly being very casual and witty?

DonnaYeah, that's the one.

JerryWhat could you possibly like about that?

DonnaI don't know, I like the guys.

JerryYeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I

could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and

wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

DonnaHey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.

Jerry(Shrugs. Pause) Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if

somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with

the pants? Doesn't that bother you?

Donna(Increasingly annoyed) That's the idea. That's what's clever about

it, that they're not talking about the pants.

JerryBut they're talking about nothing.

DonnaThat's the point.

JerryI know the point.

DonnaNo one is telling you to like it.

JerryI mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants,

pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

(Donna sighs, leans away from Jerry, looks at watch)

Jerry monologue:

What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other

through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future,

you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like

'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the

rest of my life?' And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking 'What

is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my

life?'

Jerry's apartment, day. Jerry and Elaine:

JerryI'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with

someone who actually likes this commercial?

ElaineI once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean

enough.

JerryNo kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?

ElaineOh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his

tub: germs were building a town in there - they were constructing offices.

Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

(George enters, looking miserable, holding a brown paper bag)

ElaineHi.

(George produces Pepto-Bismol bottle and box of bicarb from bag, places

them on counter)

JerryYou're still thinking about this?

George(While preparing bicarb) She invites me up at twelve o clock at

night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it

keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People

this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think

of me.

JerryShe thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

GeorgeShe invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.

ElaineMaybe coffee was coffee.

GeorgeCoffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at

night.

ElaineWell some people drink coffee that late.

GeorgeYeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile

watch. Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I

kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great."

ElaineIt's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I

think you should call her.

GeorgeI can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.

ElaineOh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

GeorgeOf course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who

goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call

her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy.

Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a

kaiser, a tsar.

ElaineAll she'll think is that you like her.

GeorgeYes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like

me!

ElaineI don't know what your parents did to you.

(Kramer enters, points at Jerry)

KramerHey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright,

you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars

here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore.

Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy,

you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages

for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it?

JerryI don't think so.

KramerIt's funny.

ElaineIt is funny.

KramerThat's as good as anything you do.

GeorgeAlright, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.

JerryWhy do we have to leave?

GeorgeBecause I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come

on, let's go.

ElaineOh, see, this is the problem.

JerryYou're kicking me out of my house?

GeorgeYes.

ElaineDon't forget.

GeorgeOh Jerry, do you have any apples?

JerryDon't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples.

(Elaine, Kramer and Jerry leave. George removes jacket, dials phone)

PhoneHi, it's Carol, I 'll get back to you. (Beep)

GeorgeUhm, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that

didn't come up for coffee.

You see, I didn't realise that coffee didn't really mean ... well,

whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, uhm, so,

you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do.

Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.

(Hangs up. Jerry enters)

JerryI'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the

matter, did you call?

(Elaine enters)

GeorgeGot her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead,

I'm a dead man. Dead man.

JerryWhat did you say?

GeorgeI don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and

there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right

now: 'Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!'

JerryAfter one date you try and improvise on her machine?

GeorgeNow I'm in the worst position of all.

ElaineY'know, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine,

and he blurted out some business information he wasn't supposed to, and it would

have cost him $15,000, so he waited outside the guy's house and when the guy

came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape.

GeorgeHe did that?

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeSomebody did that?

JerryShe'll call you back. You're overreacting.

Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Donna:

JerryNot once.

DonnaNever?

JerryI have never seen one episode of 'I Love Lucy' in my life ever.

DonnaThat's amazing.

JerryThank you.

DonnaIs there anything else about you I should know?

JerryYes, I'm lactose intolerant.

DonnaReally?

JerryI have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it. Uhm,

I'll be right back. (Goes to bathroom)

(George enters)

GeorgeWait till you hear this (sees Donna). Whoa, ah, I'm sorry, I

didn't, I had no idea. (Goes to leave)

DonnaWait, wait. He's in the bathroom.

GeorgeI just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but I'll come back.

DonnaYou don't have to leave.

GeorgeYou sure?

DonnaYes.

GeorgeOK.

DonnaI'm Donna.

GeorgeDonna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!

DonnaHe told you about that.

GeorgeNo, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about

that commercial, in fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial.

No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything.

He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him.. (Jerry re-

enters)

Donna(To Jerry) So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip

because I like that commercial.

JerryWhat? (To George) What did, what did you say?

GeorgeSay? What? Nothing, I..

DonnaYou told him how I like the commercial.

JerryWell, so what if I said that?

DonnaWell, so, you didn't have to tell your friends.

JerryNo, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you.

George(To Donna) Why did you have to get me in trouble?

DonnaI don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back.

GeorgeBoy oh boy.

JerryI said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what?

DonnaI asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the

commercial.

JerryBoy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

(Kramer enters)

K Hey.

JerryOh, Kramer, this is Donna.

k Oh. Cotton Dockers!

GeorgeHello! Alright, we should be going. Come on .(Grabs Kramer)

k What? Where are we going?

GeorgeCome on!

DonnaDon't bother, I'm leaving.

JerryDonna, really, you're making too much of this.

K One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just

pants!

JerryPlease, Donna.

DonnaI don't wanna hear it.(Leaves)

GeorgeI can't believe I said that. You know me, I'm a vault.

JerryDon't worry about it, it wasn't working anyway.

k What happened there?

JerryI'll tell you later.

GeorgeYou are not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.

Monk's Diner. George and Jerry sat in booth:

GeorgeOK, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call

back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the

machine again: "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is."

Yesterday, I'm a volcano - I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly

like Mussolini from the balcony- "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You

invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't

like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the

coffee just so I could spit it in your face."

JerryYou said that?

GeorgeI lost it.

JerryI can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back.

GeorgeShe did. Today.

JerryWhat?

GeorgeShe called my office. She said she's been in the Hamptons since

Sunday. She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine

broke, and she's been using her old machine and she doesn't have the beeper for

it.

JerrySo she didn't get the messages.

GeorgeExactly, but they're on there waiting. She said she can't wait to

see me, we're having dinner tonight. She's supposed to call me as soon as she

gets home.

JerryBut what about the messages?

(George produces cassette tape from pocket)

JerryElaine's thing? How you gonna get in?

GeorgeI'll meet her outside the building.

JerryBut you know as soon as she gets in the apartment she's going right

for that machine.

GeorgeOr she goes for the bathroom. That's my only chance. Who am I

kidding? I can't do this, I can't do this. I don't even know how to work those

stupid machines.

JerryThere's nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out.

GeorgeYou do it for me.

JerryWhat?

GeorgeCome on, it'll be so much easier.

JerryHow you gonna get me up there?

GeorgeI'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown.

JerryAnd who makes the switch?

GeorgeYou do.

JerryI do.

GeorgeI can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.

JerryI can't get involved in this.

GeorgeI think I may be in love with this woman.

JerryWhat if she sees me?

GeorgeOh, you are such a wuss.

JerryA wuss?

GeorgeYeah.

JerryDid you call me a wuss?

Outside apartment building, night. George and Jerry are sat on a low wall:

GeorgeWell there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.

JerryI got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now,

what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me

that she's coming.

GeorgeA signal, right, erm, OK, er OK, the signal is, I'll call out 'Tippy

toe!'

Jerry'Tippy Toe?' I don't think so.

GeorgeYou don't like 'Tippy toe?'

JerryNo 'Tippy toe.'

GeorgeAlright, er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing.

JerryWhat song?

GeorgeErm, 'How do you solve a problem like Maria?'

JerryWhat is that?

GeorgeOh, it's a lovely song. (Sings) How do you solve a problem like

Maria?

JerryAnything else?

GeorgeYou pick it.

Jerry'Lemon Tree'

GeorgePeter, Paul and Mary.

JerryNo, Trini Lopez.

Both(Singing) Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower

GeorgeYou got the tape?

Jerry(Produces tapes) Standard. Micro.

GeorgeHow do you feel? Confident?

JerryFeel good.

GeorgeYou nervous?

JerryNot at all.

GeorgeGet up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to

death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!

(Carol arrives)

GeorgeHey! What are you doing here? I thought I was supposed to call you

when I got home.

GeorgeI, I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.

CarolOh, that's so sweet.

GeorgeOh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him

around the corner. Isn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all

the time.

JerryAll the time.

CarolIt's nice to meet you.

JerryHi.

CarolSo, I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat?

GeorgeYou know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give Jerry a

ride home.

CarolOK. Let's go, I'm ready, where'd you park?

GeorgeDon't you wanna go upstairs first?

CarolNo, what for? I'll just give my bag to the doorman.

JerryYou know, I really need to use the bathroom.

CarolOh well there's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door.

GeorgeYes, yes, but er, I have to make a call, so...

CarolWell they have a phone.

(George takes Carol to one side)

GeorgeI know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we

really should go upstairs.

Carol(Aloud) You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my

machine.

GeorgeRight, right.

(They enter building)

Inside Carol's apartment. Carol, Jerry and George enter:

CarolThe bathroom's on the hall to the right.

JerryEr, you know, why don't you go first, you just had a long trip.

CarolNo, I'm fine.

JerryUhmmm, you know, it's the damnedest thing, it went away.

CarolOh that's weird.

GeorgeNo, no that can happen. I've, er, I've read about that in medical

journals. It's a freak thing, but...

CarolWell, let me just check my messages, and we'll go.

GeorgeUh, Carol, can I talk to you for a second? Right now.

CarolSure.

GeorgePlease, this is very, very important. (Leads her to other room)

(Jerry goes over to machine to switch tape)

George(Shouts from other room) Uhh, tippy toe! Tippy toe! Lemon tree!

(Carol reappears followed by George)

Carol(To Jerry) Now I know who you are. You're a comedian. I've seen

you, it's driving me crazy.

JerryRight. I am.

GeorgeCarol, that's so rude. Please, I'm serious, just for a moment, if

you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.

(George leads Carol back out, Jerry switches tapes)

Jerry(Shouts) Hey you two. I'm ready to go.

(George and Carol return)

CarolThat's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the

pool?

George(To Jerry) Don't you find that strange?

JerryYes.

CarolWell, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here,

let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbour

called me and played my messages to me over the phone.

GeorgeOh, uhhh...

CarolYours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes

like that.

(All three leave)

[closing monologue]

Jerry's: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw

somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not

in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also

have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam

down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't

talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless

phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" (Mimes fiddly button-pressing) "I

told him!"