The Deal

Opening MonologueI've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.

While Jerry and Elaine are sitting on Jerry's couch watching the tube, Elaine is flipping through the channels constantly.

JerryWhat are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter with that? What about that one?

ElaineRobert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?

JerryHe was good in Man From Uncle.

ElaineGuess whose birthday's comin' up soon?

JerryI know, I'm having my root canal the same week.

ElaineOh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.

JerryNo, I don't wanna see the naked people.

ElaineBeen a while?

JerryI have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.

ElaineI think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.

JerryI remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)

ElaineWhat?

JerryWhat?

ElaineWhat was that look?

JerryWhat look?

ElaineThe look you just gave me.

JerryI gave a look?

ElaineYes.

JerryWhat kind of look?

ElaineI know that look.

JerryThen what was it?

ElaineWhy should I tell you?

JerryWell, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are.

ElaineTrust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...

JerryWhat?

ElaineWhat about the look?

JerryI don't know.

ElaineYou got something on your mind?

JerryNo. Things pop into your head. You?

ElaineThings occur to me from time to time.

JerryYeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.

ElaineNo, of course not.

JerryI mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?

ElaineThirty-seven.

JerryYeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)

ElaineWe know the terrain.

JerryNo big surprises.

ElaineNope.

JerryWhat do you think?

ElaineI don't know. What do you think?

JerryWell, it's something to consider.

ElaineYeah.

JerryI mean, let's say we did.

ElaineWhat if.

JerryIs that like the end of the world or something?

ElaineCertainly not.

JerryWhy shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?

ElaineI know.

JerryI mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.

ElaineIt's almost stupid if we didn't.

JerryIt's moronic.

ElaineAbsurd!

JerryOf course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.

ElaineWe, there are always a few.

JerryI mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.

ElaineDevastating.

JerryBecause this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)

ElaineAnd that would be good. (Points to bedroom)

JerryThat would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.

ElaineYeah, we just wanna take this and add that.

JerryBut of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.

ElaineHuh.

JerryFor example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.

ElaineRight.

JerryBut if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.

ElaineWell why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.

JerryBeautiful. Let's make it a rule.

ElaineAll right, sir.

JerryNow here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

ElaineOkay, okay. Spending the night is optional!

JerryWell now we're gettin' somewhere.

ElaineWhat about the kiss goodnight?

JerryTough one. You're call.

ElaineIt's brug-wa (?).

JerryFine. Well.

ElaineWell.

JerryYou ready?

ElaineReady.

JerrySo think you can handle this?

ElaineDefinitely. (Runs into bookshelf)

Jerry's apartment the next day. Kramer enters.

KramerHey.

JerryHey.

KramerGot the paper?

JerryNot yet.

KramerNo paper?

JerryI haven't been out yet.

KramerWell, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He exits)

George and Jerry at Monk's.

GeorgeWhat's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?

JerryNo, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?

GeorgeStill lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

JerryNothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.

GeorgeOxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.

JerryI thought you'd like that.

GeorgeOh, this is huge!

JerryI know.

GeorgeAll right, okay. Let's go, details.

JerryNo, I can't do details.

GeorgeYou wha?

JerryI can't give details.

GeorgeNo details?

JerryI'm not in the mood.

GeorgeYou ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

JerryAll right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.

GeorgeWhere are you sitting?

JerryOn the couch.

GeorgeNext to each other?

JerryNo, separated.

GeorgeTime?

JerryAbout eleven.

GeorgeOkay, go ahead.

JerrySo she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.

GeorgeOh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.

JerryAnd then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.

GeorgeBoy, these are really bad details.

JerryIt pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details.

GeorgeOh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.

JerryWell. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.

GeorgeBetter than before?

JerryShe must've taken some kind of seminar or something.

GeorgeThis is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?

JerryNot exactly.

GeorgeNot exactly. What does that mean?

JerryWell, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat)

GeorgeWhere are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. (He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.

JerryI think we've worked out a system.

GeorgeOh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

JerryNo, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.

GeorgeSure, all right. Tell me the rules.

JerryOkay. No calls the next day.

George(To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.

JerryYou ready for the second one?

GeorgeI have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.

JerrySpending the night. Optional.

GeorgeNo, you see? You got greedy.

JerryNo, that's the rule. It's optional.

GeorgeI know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.

JerryI think you're wrong.

GeorgeI hope I am.

% At Elaine's apartment, Jerry opens the fridge and pulls out a piece of cake.

JerryIs this yours or the roommate's?

ElaineThe roommate's.

JerryWould she mind?

ElaineShe keeps track of everything.

JerryWell, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.

ElaineThanks.

JerryWell, guess I'll get going.

ElaineOh.

JerryWell, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home.

ElaineFine, go away.

JerryI don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.

ElaineJust go.

JerryI'm having surgery tomorrow.

ElaineOh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.

JerryBut you said, it can be very serious.

ElaineOkay, so fine. Go.

JerryWhat happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.

ElaineYeah, it's my house, it's my option.

JerryIt has nothing to do with whose house it is.

ElaineOh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)

TinaHi.

Elaine + Jerry: Hi.

TinaHi, Jerry.

JerryHi.

TinaSuch a great improv class tonight.

ElaineOh really?

TinaI had this improv where I pretended I was working in one of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon.

ElaineUh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?

TinaOh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)

ElaineWhat are you doing?

JerryI can't go if you're mad.

ElaineI'm not mad.

JerryYou seemed a little mad.

ElaineNo, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.

JerrySo you're okay with everything?

ElaineDefinitely. Are you?

JerryDefinitely. Well, goodnight.

ElaineGoodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?

JerryWhat?

ElaineRules.

TinaHey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)

% Jerry and George are at the store.

GeorgeWhat about jewelry? That's very nice gift.

JerryNo, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.

GeorgeMaybe I'll get her some jewelry.

JerryNo, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.

GeorgeWhat am I supposed to get, a bazooka?

JerryYou don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

GeorgeWhat does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.

JerryI think I heard her say something about a bench.

GeorgeA bench? What kind of a bench?

JerryI don't know, but she mentioned a bench.

GeorgeWhat, like at a bus stop?

JerryI don't know.

GeorgeLike a park bench?

JerryI have no idea.

GeorgeWho puts a bench in their house?

JerryForget the bench.

GeorgeI got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?

JerryNo, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead.

GeorgeOkay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.

JerryNice looking fellow.

GeorgeWhat about candle holders?

JerryToo romantic.

GeorgeLingerie?

JerryToo sexual.

GeorgeWaffle maker.

JerryToo domestic.

GeorgeBust of Nelson Rockefeller.

JerryToo Gubernatorial. (?)

GeorgeLet's work on the card.

% Jerry and Elaine sitting on his couch. Elaine holding a present.

JerryMaybe you won't like it.

ElaineOh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.

JerryYou could not like it.

ElaineJust the fact that you remembered means everything.

JerryOf course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)

ElaineCash?

JerryWould do you think?

ElaineYou got me cash?

JerryWell this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?

ElaineWho are you, my uncle?

JerryWell come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

ElaineLet me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)

KramerHey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there. I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)

ElainePal? You think I'm your pal?

JerryI said, "and more."

ElaineI am not your pal.

JerryWhat's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)

ElaineOh, what is this? You got me something?

KramerYeah. Open it.

ElaineOh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)

KramerThat's pretty good, huh?

JerryGreat.

KramerRemember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.

JerryWell goody for you.

KramerOh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?

Jerry182 bucks.

KramerCash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would get her.

Elaine(Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.

Kramer(To Jerry) Yeats.

ElaineOh Kramer. (They embrace)

JerryCould you excuse us please?

KramerWhat?

JerryWe're talking.

KramerOh, the relationship. (He leaves)

JerryYou know, we never had one fight before this deal.

ElaineI know.

JerryNever.

ElaineEver.

JerryWe got along beautifully.

ElaineLike clams.

JerryIt was wonderful.

ElaineA pleasure.

JerrySo I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.

ElaineI can't do it.

JerryYou what?

ElaineI can't do that.

JerryYou mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What do you want?

ElaineThis, that, and the other.

JerryOh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?

ElaineYou.

Jerry(Starts to correct then realizes) Well...

% Jerry and George at Monk's.

GeorgeThose birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.

JerryI never should have made up those rules.

GeorgeWhat is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

JerryIt can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.

GeorgeYou know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.

JerryWhy?

GeorgeIt's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.

JerryWhat did you end up giving her?

George91 dollars.

JerrySorry about that.

GeorgeSo what're you gonna do?

JerryWell, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.

GeorgeSo, maybe this should be it.

JerryCould be it.

GeorgeShe seems like an it.

JerryShe's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...

GeorgeWe'd have to kill him.

JerryWe'd get caught, I'd get the chair.

GeorgeI'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

JerryPlus, you know what else.

GeorgeYou better call her.

% Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.

KramerHey.

JerryHey.

KramerYou got the paper yet?

JerryYeah.

KramerWell where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) Hey, you done with that?

ElaineNo.

KramerWell, you're not reading it now.

ElaineAll right, you can take it. But I want it back.

KramerOh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?

ElaineAh, this. And that.

JerryAnd the other.

KramerBoy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (He exits)

[End]