George's girlfriend asks what he truly thinks of her — and he tells her. Meanwhile Elaine volunteers for an IRS audit.
Monks
PATRICEEveryone in my family's creative. And even though I'm working as an accountant
now I'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats
GEORGE:I don't understand. Paper Machay hats?
PATRICEuh uh
GEORGE:What if it rains?
FDThey're art. You hang them on the wall.
GEORGE:Oh, art!
PATRICEIt's my creative outlet. One of my passions.
GEORGE:Any money in it?
PATRICEWho so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos
GEORGE:Of course, right.
PATRICEThomas Carlisle, 1864.
GEORGE:Tommy C.
Jerry's Apartment
JERRYThese are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.
KramerI'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited
JERRYI don't blame you. I blame myself.
KRAMERNo, blame me.
JERRYOK, I blame you.
KRAMERDon't blame me.
JERRYWhat was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come
barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.
KRAMERIt was supposed to erupt.
JERRYI find the whole thing very embarrassing.
KRAMERYou know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.
JERRYYeah, tha's easy when you have no income.
<Elaine enters>
ELAINEHi,
JERRYHi
ELAINEKramer, do me a favour will ya'. If you insist o making pasta in my
apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the
strainer. All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.
<Jerry smiles>
ELAINEWhat's so funny
JERRYKramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
ELAINEUh, it's a riot Alice.
KRAMERWhen do you pit the sauce on?
ELAINEAny other time.
KRAMERI like to strain the sauce.
ELAINEAnd ... I could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions
in the living room
KRAMERYeah, Tina likes the couch.
ELAINEWhat are you doing? What is all this?
JERRYOh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited.
ELAINEO, your being auditted? What for?
JERRYOh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very
boring.
ELAINEWhen was this?
JERRYUh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.
ELAINEI remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
JERRYVolcano? Really?
ELAINEOh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
JERRYSomething to drink?
ELAINEWhat did you think, that would impress me?
JERRYYou got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans
ELAINELike you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
JERRYThose brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.
ELAINENow you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.
JERRYNo, that's Krama.
ELAINESo, waddya' going to do?
JERRYIt's all taken care of.
ELAINEHow is that?
KRAMER<chuckles>
JERRYAn old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza,
has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly
placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very
moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she
has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise.
ELAINEWhy is she doing this?
JERRYI don't know. It must be love.
Monks
GEORGEI don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with
personal problems.
PATRICEWhat did I do?
GEORGENothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
PATRICEYou hate my earrings don't you?
GEORGENo, no,
PATRICEAnd you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
GEORGEI love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
PATRICEYou're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.
GEORGEI have a fear of intimacy
PATRICEDon't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?
GEORGENothing. It's not YOU..
PATRICEI want the truth.
GEORGEThe truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much
more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy,
"Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is
Papie-ay Mach-ay?
PATRICEKeep goin'.
GEORGEI, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
PATRICENo, I asked for the truth. Thank you for being so honest.
GEORGECan I uh, can I walk you back to work?
PATRICEI prefer to go alone. How much do I owe?
GEORGEOh, please ... ... four dollars is f...
Jerry's Apartment
JERRY... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help
me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him
with my bare hands
ELAINEI don't blame ya'
JERRYHave you ever been through an audit?
ELAINENo.
JERRYIt's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal
examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the
flesh right off his bones ...
<buzzer>
JERRYYeah
GEORGEGeorge
JERRYCome up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go
to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor
GEORGEMy whole life has been a complete waste of time, <chuckle>
JERRYAnd there's so much more to go.
GEORGENow I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple.
Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth
JERRYSo what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?
GEORGEOh, oh, your papers
JERRYWhat happened you didn't give her the papers?
GEORGENo. I did.
JERRYSO?
GEORGE...I broke up with her.
<Kramer leaves>
JERRYYou what?
GEORGEI broke up with her.
JERRYI'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
GEORGEIt's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
JERRYWhy will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump
them.
GEORGEOh, no. We left on good terms.
JERRYHow is that possible?
GEORGEBecause I uh, I told her the truth.
JERRYOh, my God.
GEORGEIt's OK.
JERRYIt's unheard of ...
GEORGEShe asked me to.
JERRYSo you lie! What did you tell her?
GEORGEI told her that she was pretentious.
JERRYPretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was
pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they
want
ELAINEHow would you like it if someone told YOU the truth?
GEORGELike what? What could they say?
ELAINEThere are plenty of things to say.
GEORGELike what? I'm bald? What is it specifically? Is, is there an odor I'm not aware of?
ELAINEGeorge, please.
GEORGEGive me one.
ELAINEYou sure?
GEORGEYes.
ELAINEWhat?
ELAINEForget it. You are very careful with money.
GEORGEI'm cheap? You think I'm CHEAP? How could you say that to me? I can't
believe this. How could you say that to me?
ELAINEYou asked me to.
GEORGEYou should have lied.
ELAINEHUH, so should you.
JERRYOK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?
GEORGE:<ignoring Jerry> I mean I'm not really working right now.
ELAINEI know.
GEORGEWhen I was working I spent baby.
JERRYYeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers?
GEORGEShe put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them with her.
ELAINEPocketbook or a handbag?
JERRYIs that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office.
GEORGEGive me the phone. <dials> Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ...
what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... <hangs up>
JERRYWhat? What?
GEORGEShe never came back from lunch.
JERRYThis is no good. This is no good. Call her house.
GEORGE<dials> Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, <hangs up> She hung up.
JERRYNot good.
GEORGEAll right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little
annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize.
I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. <exits>
JERRYNot good
<break>
Jerry's Apartment
KRAMERYeah, it's a windshield.
JERRYI can see that. What's it for?
KRAMERI found it on the road.
JERRYYeah <em class="inline-stage">(to buzzer)</em>
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(from intercom)</em> I just finished working out are you busy?
JERRYCome on up.
KRAMERCan you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a
coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.
JERRYwouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's
in front of the couch?
KRAMERwow
<Elaine enters - she and Kramer avoid each other's stares>
ELAINEhell-oo
KRAMERhell-oo
JERRYWhat's with you two?
ELAINEYou haven't told him?
JERRYTell me what?
ELAINEHuh, go ahead, tell him.
KRAMERI, I saw her naked.
ELAINEHe saw me naked. Kramer, ... saw me naked.
KRAMERWell, you know, ... it was an accident.
ELAINEWho walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. I want to know!
KRAMERI thought it was a closet.
JERRYCompletely naked?
KRAMERCompletely naked.
ELAINEJerrryyy, How can I go on?
KRAMERAll right. I'll tell you what. If it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked.
<Kramer begins disrobing>
ELAINENo thanks!
KRAMERNo, I want you to see me naked.
ELAINENo, no no.
KRAMERNo, I want to show you.
ELAINENo! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRYOK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my
home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story.
<Kramer sits down picks up windshield>
ELAINEEhat is this?
KRAMERWell, it's a windshield. It's going to be your new coffee table.
ELAINEAh, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it.
JERRYYou'll sense it.
<George enters slowly>
JERRYWell, what happened? Was she there?
GEORGENo, no she wasn't.
JERRYYou didn't get my papers?
GEORGENo, I didn't.
JERRYWell, where is she?
GEORGEA mental institution.
Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have
clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments that people like
to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good
<pulling at lapels, pockets etc.> feeling good looking good But when you're
naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. <no movements> There's
nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I
feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, <tugging and
lifting belt> I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be,
wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this <hand
in pocket> I think that would really help a lot.
Jerry's Apartment
JERRYA mental institution?
KRAMERYou know what they do in there? Did you see CooCoo's Nest? They put those electrodes in
your head.
GEORGEIt's not really a mental institution. It's more like a depression
clinic. She went out to Woodhaven and checked herself in. I'm, I'm sick over
this.
ELAINEWho told you this:
GEORGEHer roommate. I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
KRAMERMy friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.
JERRYYou know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any
information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!
GEORGEShe put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.
JERRYSo what now?
GEORGEI don't know.
JERRYCan we go out there?
GEORGEWhere?
JERRYWoodhaven.
GEORGEWe could.
Woodhaven
GEORGEI'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.
JERRYMy cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to
my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin'
"where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"
GEORGEI should be in a place like this I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear
slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I
like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association
tests. I love those.
JERRYThat'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
GEORGEPotato
JERRYTuberculosis
GEORGEBlanket
JERRYLeroy
GEORGEGrass
JERRYTuberculosis
GEORGEOh, boy. Here she comes.
Elaine's Apartment
<African music is playing as Elaine enters, dirty pots and dishes are piled high in the kitchen>
ELAINEOh, my god.
<Kramer enters dancing with only a towel on.>
ELAINEKRAMER!
KRAMERHey.
ELAINEWILL YOU PLEASE PUT SOMETHING ON.
KRAMERUh, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's, yambalas and uh, sambusa.
TINAKramer, are you coming back to bed?
KRAMERYeah, yeah, I'll be right there baby.
TINAOh, hi Elaine. <returns Elaine's ear rings> What did you think of the coffee table?
ELAINEIt's invisible.
KRAMERSo, is everything cool? or what?
TINAYeah, you seem little bit dysfunctional.
ELAINEWell,
TINACome on Elaine. just tell us the truth.
ELAINEThe Truth!, You want The Truth?
Woodhaven
PATRICEWho are you?
GEORGEOh, this is my friend Jerry.
PATRICEWhy are you talking like that? And what do YOU want?
JERRYWant, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things
about you from George.
PATRICEGeorge thinks I'm pretentious.
GEORGEPretentious? Who isn't pretentious? Ha, ha, if everyone who was
pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously THIS isn't a mental
institution.
PATRICEYou're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty I'm in here.
GEORGENo, that's not it at all.
PATRICEDon't LIE George.
GEORGE:I'M NOT A LIER!
GEORGEUh, we're cool. Everything's cool <em class="inline-stage">(to security attendent)</em>
JERRYJust chatting. Friendly.
GEORGEAll righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices.
PATRICEI know what you said. You can't change that.
GEORGEWhat I said? I saw stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things.
JERRYIt's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places,
what do you bring your pocketbook?
GEORGEYou should be the one criticizing me. I, I'm lucky to even know someone like you.
PATRICEYou mean that?
GEORGEOf course I mean that. I am incapable of guile.
JERRYHe's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket book.
Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers.
PATRICEPapers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I
got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies.
JERRYthere are no copies.
PATRICESo are you saying you want to continue seeing me?
JERRYWho makes copies?
Elaine's Apartment
ELAINEThe truth is ... I think you make ... a very nice couple.
<Elaine exits>
KRAMEROh,
TINAKramer,
<dancing in the dark to the music>
TINAHere Kramer?
KRAMERNo, lets go to the couch...
<sound of smashing glass>
Jerry's Apartment
================[
JERRY<on phone>Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer thatI bought there....
it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might
have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye.
JERRYAnybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? I think I may have tracked down another receipt.
ELAINEI can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.
JERRYGeorge?
GEORGEI'm going to a poetry reading with PATRICE: First time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks,
Supposed to be good.
<Kramer enter - all bandaged up.
KRAMERHey, Are you going to the hospital now?
ELAINEYeah, I suppose I am.
KRAMERAll right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab.
JERRYYou're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.
GEORGEHey, I'm getting in on that.
ELAINEYou know you're chippin' in.
GEORGEYou're going that way anyway!
Stand Up
I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R
Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know.
But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your
spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and
put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake and just kinda crank it around
there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I
mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go "Oh, I'm sorry that's
another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you.
[END SHOW]