George and a stranger argue for hours over who has the right to a parking space — one of the show's longest sustained disputes.
First scene. Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.
KramerHey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.
JerryWhat are you talking about?
KramerWell you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?
JerryYeah.
KramerYep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.
JerryOh yeah, I know.
KramerWell, where is it?
JerryWhat's the difference?
KramerWell, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.
JerryYou always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
KramerWhat happened to the car?
JerryIf I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?
KramerYeah, yeah, it'll kill me.
JerryYou have to know, you must know.
KramerI must know.
JerryWell, I'm not telling you.
KramerOh, come on.
JerryNope. I don't think so.
KramerWell, please?
JerryNot today, pal.
KramerOkay, I beg you.
JerryNow see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
KramerOkay, please! Please tell me!
JerryAlright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.
KramerOkay, okay, what is it? Come on.
JerryI loaned the car to George.
KramerAh, George, alright. Well, what for?
JerryGeorge and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!
KramerAlright.
JerryHuh?
KramerHuh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?
JerryWill you stop it already?!
KramerYou know, why didn't they ask me to go?
JerryI don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
KramerWhat, they don't like me?
Jerry*I* don't like you!
KramerIf they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.
GeorgeI really think it looks good.
ElaineTen bucks, how can you go wrong?
GeorgeAll bald people look good in hats.
ElaineYou should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
GeorgeWhat a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
ElaineWell, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
GeorgeNo, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.
ElaineAre you sure you like these sunglasses?
Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses and this causes George to swerve and hit something.
Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.
KramerWell I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
JerryWhy not?
KramerBecause I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. <em class="inline-stage">(notices some snacks on the table)</em> Oh, is this for the fight?
JerryYep. <em class="inline-stage">(checks watch)</em> Starts in thirty-five minutes.
Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.
KramerOh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?
JerryNo, I like Mike.
KramerYeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.
JerryOh yeah? What did you talk about?
KramerWell actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.
JerryOh yeah? What did he say?
KramerYou have to know everything, don't you?
JerryNo, come on, Kramer. What did he say?
KramerWhy is that? Why do you have to know everything?
JerryKramer, just tell me what the guy said.
KramerBeg me.
JerryPlease, don't make me beg.
KramerNo no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.
JerryKramer, please tell me what the guy said.
KramerNo no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...
JerryKramer!
KramerLook, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.
JerryWell you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
KramerAlright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.
JerryI'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!
KramerHe thinks you're a phony.
JerryHe what?
KramerI told you, he thinks you're a phony.
JerryA phony? He called me a phony?
KramerA big phone. A big one.
JerryWhy did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
KramerYou begged me.
Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a clanking noise.
GeorgeDo you hear that?
ElaineOf course I hear that.
GeorgeYou had to move the mirror?
ElaineI wanted to check out my sunglasses.
GeorgeI went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my equilibrium.
ElaineOh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.
GeorgeI can't drive?
ElaineYeah.
GeorgeNobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left lane? Watch this.
ElaineNo, I really don't.
GeorgeAnd I can make a left turn from the right lane too.
ElaineI'm sure you could.
GeorgeWhat are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?
ElaineI don't know.
GeorgeAlright, start looking for spaces.
ElaineOh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
GeorgeLook, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
ElaineOh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
GeorgeI can't park in a garage.
ElaineWhy?
GeorgeI don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
ElaineI'll pay for it.
GeorgeYou don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free? <em class="inline-stage">(he hears a horn honking)</em> What? What do you want? Go around me, I'm looking for spaces.
Elaine (pointing backwards): Oh George, there's a space right there!
George (putting the car in reverse): Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what did I tell you?
ElaineYou didn't even have to take it out to dinner.
They share a laugh.
GeorgeAlright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. <em class="inline-stage">(spitting into his hands and rubbing them together)</em> How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. <em class="inline-stage">(turning around in his seat)</em> It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
ElaineWill you just park it already?
GeorgeThere's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on. <em class="inline-stage">(begins backing into the space)</em> Look at this guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my space!
ElaineGeorge, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for a parking space in this city.
GeorgeNo no no, he's not getting away with this.
ElaineGeorge?
George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.
GeorgeHey, what are you doing?
MikeI think I'm parking my car.
GeorgeYou can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like that.
MikeI'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were just sitting there three spaces up.
GeorgeWell if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in head first?
MikeWell that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in until I pulled in.
GeorgeI was in the middle of a conversation.
MikeHey, buddy, what can I tell you?
GeorgeThe point is I was here first.
MikeI was closer to this space than you were.
GeorgeBut I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!
MikeI can if I have room!
GeorgeAre you gonna move the car?
MikeNo, I'm not gonna move the car.
GeorgeJerk!
MikeOh, you're not?
GeorgeDo you believe this guy?
ElaineCome on, we'll put it in a garage.
GeorgeI am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.
ElaineWhat are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this? Uh. I'm going upstairs.
GeorgeAre you coming back down?
ElaineYeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.
GeorgeAlright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait, what are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?
ElaineMe? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell- Noo.
GeorgeOh, come on, you're good at this.
ElaineWhat am I gonna say?
GeorgeI don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.
Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.
ElaineOh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?
JerryYeah, under the counter. What happened?
ElaineOh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. <em class="inline-stage">(pouring a big shot of scotch)</em> You wouldn't believe it. <em class="inline-stage">(pushing a bag of chips off the counter)</em>
Jerry (bending down to pick up the chips): Tell me what happened.
Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it): Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
JerryHe is?
ElaineOh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
JerryA gun?!
ElaineI think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
JerryMy god, are you okay?
ElaineYeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
JerryWell, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
ElaineExactly.
JerryWhere's George now?
ElaineOh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.
JerryWhat are you talking about?
ElaineLook out the window, you'll see.
Jerry (leaning out the window): Hey Georgie!
GeorgeHey!
JerryAre you okay?
GeorgeYeah, I'm fine.
JerryCrazy kids, huh?
GeorgeWhat?
Elaine (desperate to distract Jerry): Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my cuticle.
MikeIs that Jerry? Jerry?!
JerryOh, hey Mike.
George What, you know Jerry?
MikeYeah, I know Jerry.
GeorgeHow do you know him?
MikeWhat's the difference?
GeorgeBecause I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.
MikeWell, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!
JerryI'm coming down.
MikeHey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?
George, What, you know Kramer?!
Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.
ElaineHi.
Kramer (acting standoffish): Hello.
JerryHey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.
Kramer (out the window): Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!
GeorgeAnd you're watching the fight at Jerry's?
MikeYeah.
GeorgeOh great.
ElaineYou know that guy downstairs?
JerryYeah, he's a real phony.
KramerWhat's going on?!
MikeHey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!
GeorgeIt's my space!
KramerI'll be down in a minute.
ElaineAre you going down?
KramerYeah.
ElaineIs anything wrong?
Kramer (leaving): Why should anything be wrong?
Elaine (heading for the bathroom): Be down in a minute.
Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.
MikeHey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
GeorgeI'll die out here.
Two bystanders are discussing the incident.
Bystander #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's no longer his space.
Bystander #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-
MikeHey! Jerry! Long time no see!
JerryHi Mike. <em class="inline-stage">(Noticing George's fedora)</em> Indiana.
MikeHey Krame! You know this guy?
KramerYeah, yeah, I know him.
Mike (to Jerry): You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
JerryYeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
Mike (laughing way too loud and hard): Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer! I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha ha!!!
GeorgeOh, come on.
MikeHey! Your friend here has some real problems.
GeorgeMe? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into my space?
MikeHey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking in.
GeorgeYou only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and you didn't have room to parallel park!
MikeI only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first and if you pull out I'll show you!
GeorgeYou've got a prayer.
KramerI go in front first all the time.
JerryFront first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.
Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.
GeorgeDid you talk to him?
ElaineYeah, it's all taken care of.
GeorgeYou told him? What did you tell him?
ElaineI did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had to have been there to appreciate it.
GeorgeI don't believe it, what did you say?
ElaineI told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
GeorgeA pack of teenagers?
ElaineYeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
GeorgeYou are a genius, it's as simple as that.
ElaineWhat can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.
Elaine and George rejoin the others.
KramerBy the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.
ElaineWhat?
KramerYeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.
GeorgeOh great.
JerryI didn't know.
ElaineOh, so that's why you were acting so funny.
GeorgeWell I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.
MikeA flea market? You went to a flea market??
GeorgeHey, who's talking to you?
ElaineWe just didn't think of you.
KramerYou said it, sister.
GeorgeWhat? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?
People forget. Look at "Home Alone". They forgot.
GeorgeGreat move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.
JerryI didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
GeorgeJudgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.
JerryYou're right. My fault.
ElaineKramer? I'm so sorry, really.
GeorgeYeah, I'm sorry.
KramerI'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.
GeorgeWhat was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?
JerryIt was a so-so sorry.
A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab.
Truck DriverHey! Move this car, I gotta get through!
GeorgeYou heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.
MikeAnd like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?
Truck DriverWell somebody better move something soon! I got a truck full of ice cream here!
Fade out/in.
ElaineYou see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.
JerryWild pack of teenagers, huh?
GeorgeYeah.
JerryAmazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.
ElaineYeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?
GeorgeUh huh.
JerrySounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,
GeorgeWell, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure, what you're capable of.
ElaineRight.
GeorgeI learned a lot about myself.
JerryWhat did you do to my car?!
GeorgeI couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.
ElaineOh, like you've ever been bobulated.
JerryI thought you said you were a good driver!
GeorgeNo no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.
JerryI think you said driver.
GeorgeParker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.
MikeWill you move it up a little bit?
GeorgeNo no no, that's in the right position.
MikeNo no, I was further in.
GeorgeNo you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.
MikeDo you mind?
GeorgeDo you?
SidHey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.
JerryHey Sid.
MikeWho are you?
SidNever mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? <em class="inline-stage">(to George)</em> Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
GeorgeSid, it's completely his fault.
MikeOh, right.
SidWhy don't you start taking the bus?
JerryOkay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
GeorgeDon't do it!
JerryWhat are we gonna do, stay out here all night?
GeorgeYes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
ElaineWhy don't you just flip a coin already?
GeorgeNo no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
ElaineYou know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
GeorgeSo you're against me now?
An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen yogurt store, are discussing the incident.
Angry manHe could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose to go in head first.
MatthewNo he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.
Angry ManNo he wasn't.
MatthewAll that matters is who was there first.
Angry ManAhh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.
MatthewYou just spit on me!
Angry ManDon't you raise your voice to me!
MatthewYou're not my father.
JerryHey Matthew.
MatthewHi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.
JerryHow ya doing?
MatthewOkay.
JerryHey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.
MatthewWhat?!
JerryOh no, nothing.
MatthewWhat's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?
JerryNo, no, no, no.
MatthewWe're not going to have any money? We're out of money?
JerryNo, of course not, of course not!
MatthewMommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out of business. We don't have any money?
MaryedithJerry?! What's the matter with you?
JerryI didn't--
Maryedith (to Kramer): Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He says some pretty stupid things sometimes.
KramerOh, congratulations.
MaryedithWhat for?
KramerWell, you're pregnant.
MaryedithWhat?
KramerYou're not pregnant?
MaryedithNo, I'm not pregnant.
KramerAre you sure you're not pregnant?
MaryedithYes, I'm sure!
KramerThat's weird.
MaryedithCome on, Matthew.
MatthewNo.
MaryedithCome on, Matthew!
KramerI thought she was pregnant.
Jerry (to Elaine): Hey, do you think I'm phony?
ElaineWhat?
JerryMike thinks I'm a phony.
ElaineHe thinks you're a phony?
JerryYeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me.
ElaineOh, you have to say something.
JerryI can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.
ElaineYou gotta open the vault.
JerryOpen my vault?
ElaineOpen your vault.
JerryOnce I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.
ElaineYou have no choice.
JerryOy ga-vault.
Newman (to Kramer): You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law.
George begins applauding.
KramerWhen can you park head first?
NewmanNever.
MikeWhat are you asking this guy for?
NewmanWho's talking to you?
GeorgeHe's right. never.
MikeOh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
NewmanWell, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.
GeorgeWhen do you ever have ten car lengths?
KramerWhat about Sundays and holidays?
GeorgeOh please.
A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George,
SheilaWhat's going on here?
GeorgeOh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.
SheilaI really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get away with it.
GeorgeWell, thank you for your support.
SheilaHey, that's a great hat.
GeorgeReally? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.
NewmanHey George, nice hat.
GeorgeYeah, thanks.
NewmanCan I try it on?
GeorgeNo! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
NewmanWell sure it would.
GeorgeNo! Get out of here, Newman.
NewmanCome on, let me try it on.
GeorgeNo, Newman, stop it.
SheilaLet him try it on.
GeorgeI don't want him to!
SheilaWhat is wrong with you?
GeorgeYou wanna see?! <em class="inline-stage">(pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate)</em> There! There it is! <em class="inline-stage">(turning to Newman)</em> Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
NewmanStop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
GeorgeAlright, just keep the hat!
JerryAlright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
ElaineIt depends on who's going. <em class="inline-stage">(to George)</em> Are you going?
KramerI'm not going if he's going.
NewmanMe either.
GeorgeI'm not going if he's going.
MikeWell I'm going.
JerryWell if he's going then I'm not going.
NewmanBut it's your house.
JerryI still don't have to go.
ElaineWell I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
MikeWhy won't you go if I go?
JerryWhy? I'll tell you why.
KramerNo. Don't, Jerry.
JerryLike you didn't call me a phony?
MikeWhat? <em class="inline-stage">(to Kramer)</em> Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
JerryUse it in a sentence.
MikeMan, that Michael Jordan is so phony. <em class="inline-stage">(to Kramer)</em> Why'd you tell him?!?
KramerHe begged me.
MikeHe begged you?!
JerryAlright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?
Two police officers walk up.
Cop #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.
GeorgeOfficer, could I just explain something to you?
Cop #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about two minutes.
GeorgeOfficer, he can't pull in head first.
MikeOfficer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked, he was sitting there.
Cop #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head first.
Cop #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy was just sitting over there.
Cop #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first.
Cop #2: But he didn't take it.
Cop #1: Hey, it's his space.
Cop #2: No, it's his space.
GeorgeWell, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
MikeWell, you're gonna have to go to work!
GeorgeI don't have a job!
MikeNeither do I!
Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and turns on the TV.
RefereeSeven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*
Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.
Closing monologue.
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, 'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.
[END SHOW]