The Wallet

Monologue;

Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm - Can you come back next week?"

[In Jerry's Car]

JERRYGeorge and I went up to NBC and we told them our idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.

HELENAnd they liked your idea?

JERRYYeah.

MORTYWhat'ya got leather seats here?

HELENSince when is George a writer?

JERRYWhat writer? It's a sitcom.

HELENThat's exciting. When are you going to sign the contract?

JERRYSoon, there's a couple of problems.

MORTYJerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.

JERRYWhat do you expect? It's airline food.

MORTY. . . give you fish.

JERRYHow could you eat fish on a plane?

MORTYbecause she puts up such a big stink every time I have a piece of meat.

HELENWhat kind of problems?

JERRYWell, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.

HELENWhat? He's not even working.

MORTYGeorge is right. Those people will try to get away with murder. Believe me. They're all crooks.

HELENJerry, I want you to sign that contract.

JERRYWe're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.

[George's car]

GEORGESo, I'm uh, I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.

SUSANYou're passing?

GEORGEWell, it's . . . much too low.

SUSANAre you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?

GEORGEAh, yeah, . . . I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.

SUSANBecause you know, because this is your first show this is a pretty standard deal.

GEORGEStandard?

SUSANYeah.

GEORGEIs Ted Danson's deal standard?

SUSANTed Danson?

GEORGEYou know, the guy from Cheers.

SUSANYeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.

GEORGEI didn't say I was Ted Danson.

SUSANAll right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow.

GEORGE-

SUSANOh, uh, before I forget, . . . cigars. A present from my father.

GEORGEOh, uh, do I have to write him a note or something?

SUSANYeah, I am sure he'd appreciated that.

GEORGEBut what do I say in the note?

SUSANAh, you're a writer. You'll think of something.

GEORGEOh, uh, yeah, I'm a writer, (laughs)

[Jerry's car at gas station]

HELENWere you waiting long at the gate?

JERRYI don't even know?

HELENWhere's that watch we bought you?

JERRYOh uh

[Flashback to street]

JERRYThat's enough with this piece of junk I've had it. (throws watch in garbage)

GEORGEThat's the one your parents bought you?

JERRYYeah, but it never worked.

[Back to present day in car at gas station]

JERRY. . . it's being fixed.

MORTYI got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where I got it.

JERRYIt's at the jeweler.

MORTYYou send me the bill.

JERRYI'm not sending you the bill.

HELENThat watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.

GSUSANThat's uh, $18.50.

MORTYHere, I got it.

JERRYWhat are you talking about? It's my car. You can pay for the gas.

MORTYNo, no put it away . . .

JERRYDad!

MORTYStop it.

JERRYI have money. I make money.

MORTYYeah, yeah, you make money.

JERRYYou don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?

HELENNo, I don’t think that.

JERRYYes you do. That's what you both think.

MORTYI'll pay.

JERRYI'm paying.

MORTYGet out of here.

JERRYYou're not paying

MORTYJerry please,

JERRYYou're not doing this.

(both fighting to pay)

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRYBoy, you got a lot of stuff here. . . . Dad, what are you doing?

MORTYNothing nothing.

JERRYLeave it. What about your back?

HELENMorty, what are you doing?

MORTYAll right, all right.

JERRYYou come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERHey, Morty.

MORTYHey, Mr. Kramer.

KRAMERHey, Mrs. Seinfeld.

HELENWhat happened to you?

KRAMERWell some guy kicked me in the side of the head.

HELENWhat guy?

KRAMERCrazy Joe Devola.

HELENWhy?

KRAMERWell, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and Jerry tipped him off.

JERRYWhy did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?

JERRYI didn't know he wasn't invited

MORTYHey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?

HELENSo why did you say anything?

JERRYIt was a mistake.

MORTYThey're good around the house and they're good for outside.

HELENAre you okay?

KRAMEROh, yeah, yeah. I was a little off last week - but the doctor says it was just a slight concussion

HELENSo what's the matter with this Devola guy?

JERRYHe's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.

KRAMEROh, yeah. He's after Jerry now.

JERRYKramer!!

HELENHe's what?!

JERRYHe's joking.

HELENHe's after you?

JERRYNooo.

HELENWhy is he after you?

JERRYHe's not after me.

HELENMorty, did you here this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.

HELENI'll make a few phone calls.

JERRYWho are you going to call?

MORTYWhat are you worried about?

HELENI want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.

JERRYI didn't do anything.

HELENWell you must have done something.

JERRYNo, he just doesn't like me.

HELENDoesn't like you? How can anyone not like you?

JERRYYou know, it seems impossible.

HELENDoesn't like you? How can that be?

JERRYMa, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.

HELENHuh, Jerry, don't say that.

JERRYIt's true.

HELENNo, it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible. Morty?

MORTYMaybe some people don't like him. I could see that.

HELENKramer?

KRAMERYeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?

JERRYUm, huh, I don't have my watch on. It's being fixed.

KRAMERWhen you getting it back?

JERRYUh, next week.

KRAMERNext week? How come it's taking so long?

JERRYHuh?

KRAMERI said how come it's taking so long?

JERRYI don't know. They're backed up.

KRAMERwait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?

JERRYWhere'd I take it?

KRAMERYeah.

JERRYWhere did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing with knife) Um, to that place on, uh Columbus and uh, 85th. Okay?

KRAMERJimmy Sherman's?

JERRYYeah.

KRAMERYeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.

JERRYNo, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him

KRAMERI'd be happy to.

JERRYHe's a friend of mine.

JERRYI'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.

KRAMERHey, I'm going to get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy.

MORTYGive me the receipt.

KRAMERI'll get that too. (exits)

JERRYBe right back. (follows Kramer out)

[In the hallway]

JERRY. . . I threw it in the garbage can on the street. It didn't keep good time. My parents gave it to me so don't mention it again, okay!

KRAMERAll right.

JERRYAll right.

KRAMERWait, wait , . . .

[Jerry reenters his own apartment]

HELENWhat was that about?

KRAMEROh, oh, uh, he's got my Calamine lotion and uh, I told him not to return it. If he needs it he should keep it. He's got uh, he's got a thing on his ankle.

HELENHow can anyone not like him.

[Back doctor's office]

MORTYHi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.

RECEPTIONISTYes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill in this form(?).

MORTYAll this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.

RECEPTIONISTI know. It's very long.

MORTYLook at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this? You know I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa. My back was fine.

HELENWell, it's not the sofa.

MORTYYou stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.

HELENWe got it at Sullivan's. It's a good store.

MORTYOne day somebody's going to sleep on that thing and we'll get sued. I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.

HELENLeo says he's the best there is.

MORTYLeo, I'm listening to Leo now!

HELENYou're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?

MORTYWell, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. . . . (back to the form) Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's IT! . . . Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

RECEPTIONISTJulie, you want to take him back?

[Jerry's Apartment]

JERRYYou what? You passed? How could you do that?

GEORGEJerry, my young friend, you are so nave. You are so so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I am negotiating. Negotiation, this is what you do in business.

JERRYLet me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, they go to the next show.

GEORGEOoooo, I'm scared. . . . Ooooo they're not going to do the show.

JERRYWe're lucky they are even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!

GEORGEOooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!

JERRYWell, I think you're wrong.

GEORGEWell, we'll just see.

JERRYYes we will.

GEORGEYes we will.

JERRYI just said that.

GEORGEI know you did.

JERRYSo good for you.

GEORGESo good for you.

JERRYWe'll you're repeating everything I'm saying?

GEORGEWe'll you're repeating everything I'm saying?

JERRYWell George is an idiot.

GEORGEWell George,,. . . .

[Doctor's examination room]

MORTYAll right, all right, Let's go already. They keep you in here a year. They don't give a damn. I could die in here. . . . Excuse me! Excuse me! What's going on? I'm here twenty minutes. Could somebody please help me.

HELEN(enters) Shhh. Quiet! Everyone can hear you.

MORTYTwenty minutes. I've been waiting twenty minutes.

HELENWell the doctor must be busy.

MORTYWell what do they make appointments for if they can't keep them. uh, look if I did that in my business I wouldn't have made a nickel .

NURSEHello, Mr. Seinfeld.

MORTYI thought you forgot about me.

NURSEWe didn't forget.

(pulls apart the Velcro blood pressure band)

MORTYAh! It's Velcro. I can't stand Velcro. It's that t-e-a-r-I-n-g sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.

NURSEOkay, Mr. Seinfeld, please come this way. We need some X-rays.

MORTYLeave all my stuff here?

NURSELeave it.

[They exit]

[Jerry's Apartment]

GEORGEOkay, by the way. Do you want a box of Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.

JERRYNo I don't want them.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERI'll take it. No, I'll take it. What is it?

GEORGEHere you go.

KRAMERA box of cigars?

GEORGEYep,

KRAMEROh, yeah?

GEORGEThe kind that Castro smokes. You can't buy them anywhere.

KRAMERCastro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish)

[Buzzer]

JERRYYes?

VoiceFederal Express.

JERRYFederal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.

KRAMERWooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar into the building.

JERRYYou think so?

KRAMERFederal Express? Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it might be a murderer.

JERRYSo you want us to abolish all home package deliveries.

KRAMERYes. It's dangerous.

[Knock on the door - Kramer prepares for a fight]

JERRYWho is it?

VoiceFederal Express.

KRAMEROkay, . . .

[Elaine enters]

ALLHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

ELAINEKramer, Hi, I thought you went to California.

KRAMERI came back for you.

ELAINEOh, shut up (pushes Kramer)

JERRYI missed you.

ELAINEReally?

JERRYYeah, . . .

(lots of missing you talk)

KRAMERI'm going to be right back. I'm going to get a match.

ELAINEWho's suitcase is this?

JERRYOh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist.

ELAINEOh, golly, it's probably from sleeping on that sofa.

GEORGEBoy, you look really great.

JERRYYeah.

ELAINEYou lie.

GEORGENo, no you really look great.

ELAINEHu hu, ha.

JERRYSo tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?

ELAINEOh, he's fine.

JERRYThings are good?

ELAINEYeah, you know (scratches cheek)

JERRYUh oh.

ELAINEWhat, Uh ih?

JERRYDid you see that?

GEORGEYeah, I saw it.

ELAINEWhat?

JERRYIt's a tell. You gotta tell.

ELAINEWhat tell? What's a tell?

JERRYWhen you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody.

ELAINEUm, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?

JERRYGood, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out.

ELAINEHow high did I go?

GEORGEYou almost did the nose.

JERRYWhat are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display.

GEORGEI'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.

JERRYYou're off bread. . . . So what happened is it over?

ELAINEWell not quite.

JERRYWhy not?

ELAINEHe was my psychiatrist, you know. He knows all my patterns. In my relationships I always try to find some reason to leave, so as my doctor, he can't allow me to do this, so he's not letting me leave.

GEORGEWhat do you mean - "Not letting you?"

ELAINEHe has this power over me, okay. He has this way of manipulating every little word I say. He's like a Svenjolly.

GEORGESvengali.

ELAINEWhat did I say?

JERRYSvenjolly.

ELAINESvenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.

JERRYGeorge?

GEORGESvenjolly.

ELAINEI don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.

JERRYSo maybe he's got like a cheerful mental hold on you.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERYou know I can't find a match anywhere.

GEORGEYou know what you should do? You should tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way to get out of these things.

ELAINENo, it's not going to work with this guy.

GEORGEWell, you just tell him an old boyfriend has come back into your life.

ELAINEI don't think so.

JERRYNice try.

GEORGETook a shot.

KRAMERThis is a good cigar (hair is on fire) . . . WOOOOOOOOOOW . . . (runs to bathroom)

[Doctor's examining room. Morty enters]

MORTYSo, when do I get to see the doctor?

NURSEHe'll be in with the X-Rays in a few minutes. You can get dressed. (leaves)

MORTY(checking pants) They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE!

MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.

NURSEAre you sure?

MORTYYes, I'm sure. I went in to get my X-Ray Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?

(doctor enters)

DR. DEMBROW:Mr. Seinfeld, I'm Dr. Devro

MORTYI'm not interested in the X-Rays. I want my money back. Somebody stole my wallet. I had $225 in there.

DR. DEMBROW: Why, I don't see how something like that could have happened.

MORTYOh, you don't see. You don't see. Well it happened. Believe me.

HELEN(enters) What's going on?

MORTYThey stole my wallet.

HELENWhat?

MORTYWhile I was in getting X-Rayed.

DR. DEMBROW: All right, Mr. Seinfeld, I am sorry about your wallet but would you like me to look over these X-Rays?

MORTYWhat kind of clip joint are you running here?

DR. DEMBROW: All right, fine. (leaves)

HELENThe least you could have done was hear your diagnosis.

MORTYI am not interested in his diagnosis. He's a bum.

HELENYou came all the way from Florida to see him.

MORTYI want to know what kind of an office this is where you can't leave your pants in the room. You tell me.

[Dr. Reston's office]

ELAINEI am sorry but there's somebody else.

DR. RESTON : Huh, huh.

ELAINEWell it's nothing I planned on happeniong, you knoe. It just kind of happened.

DR. RESTON : Tell me about him.

ELAINEWell, there's not really much to tell, you know, he's just a guy. Really.

DR. RESTON : Yes, I assumed he was a guy. And you've known him how long?

ELAINE. . . Years. Years, um, we've been close friends and then recently something you know just happened.

DR. RESTON :You mean sexually?

ELAINEYeah, yeah. Sexu-ally.

(phone rings)

DR. RESTON :Excuse me. Yes, Oh yes, Bobo. No it's just east of madison. Around 4:00 will be fine. All right Bobo. (hangs up) . . .I'm sorry where were we?

ELAINEWell, I was just telling you about this other guy.

DR. RESTON : Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?

ELAINEYeah. Yeah, (cough, cough) ha um.

DR. RESTON :Elaine, I'm concerned about you.

ELAINEOh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good.

DR. RESTON : Elaine. Have you been urinating a lot again?

ELAINE. . . no.

DR. RESTON : And how often have you been seeing, . . .? I'm sorry what is his name?

ELAINEHis name?

DR. RESTON :Yes, his name.

ELAINEUm, what's the difference?

DR. RESTON : Are you afraid to tell me his name?

ELAINENo, no, I just don't see how that's relevant.

DR. RESTON : It doesn't matter if you don't see how. I see how.

ELAINEUh, his name, uh, Idon't even know, all right you want to know his name? I'll tell you his name. His name is . . . Kramer.

DR. RESTON : Kramer. Is that his first name or his last name?

ELAINEOh, I'm really uncomfortable talking about this.

DR. RESTON : Elaine, I want you to do me a favor.

ELAINEWhat?

DR. RESTON :I want you to tell this young man to give me a call. It is very important that I speak to him.

ELAINEOh, no, no no no, I can't do that.

DR. RESTON :You can do it and you will do it.

ELAINENo, I can't.

DR. RESTON :You can and you will.

ELAINEOkay, okay. I'll have Kramer give you a call.

[Restaurant]

JERRYSo you didn't even let the doctor treat you?

MORTYI wouldn't give him the satiusfaction.

HELENWhy did you leave your wallet in your pants?

MORTYWhat are you talking about? What was I supposed to hide it somewhere?

HELENWell. You could have taken it with you.

MORTYOh, yeah, I'd be lying on the X-Ray table with my wallet in my mouth.

(Leo enter)

LEOHello, ,hello.

JERRYHi Uncle Leo.

LEOI just talked to Dr. Denvro's son. He said they almost had to call the police.

MORTYWhat are you talking about? I'm the one who should have called the police. They stole my wallet.

LEOYou know how hard it was for me to get thjat appointment for you? You can't just walk in on this guy. He did me a personal favor.

MORTYAll right, Leo.

LEOYou walked out without paying.

MORTYHow was I supposed to pay? I didn't have my wallet.

LEOWell, I hope you sent him a check.

MORTYWhat for?

LEOWhat for? This man was nice enough to see you. He did me a personal favor.

MORTYThat's the second time you said "personal favor". Why do you keep saying that?

LEOI said it once.

MORTYTwice! And Dembrowdoesn't even know you. His son happens to live on your floor.

HELENLeo, where did you get that watch?

LEOYou know where I got this? (flashback) I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day. Works great. What kind of idiot throws a way a perfectly good watch?

HELENDoesn't that watch look like the one we gave Jerry.

JERRYHey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a . .

(looking at watch)

JERRYCan we continue this another time.

[To be continued . . . ]

[END SHOW]