The Bubble Boy — S04 E07 — Quotes About Nothing

Stock shot of Hunan Chinese restaurant at night

JERRYWell this is it.

P: This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.

JERRYOh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.

P: Yeah, me too,

JERRYNo, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic.

P: Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked

gun is on. I've seen it. I

laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?

JERRYNo, I mean, I don't think so.

P: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky.

JERRYNo, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything

I'm sad stop unlucky.

N: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

JERRYThat's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you

check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on.

GEORGE(on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set foe the week end.

This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.

All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...

JERRYThis thing has never worked right.

N: You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

JERRYWell, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of

all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the

healthiest ways ... <Naomi exits> it makes the juice ... extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life

and vitality.

<break>

JERRYHow could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.?

GEORGEWell how could you just play your message in front of anybody?

JERRYBecause I didn't think anyone would leave it!

GEORGEWell, I didn't think anyone would play it.

JERRYWell, now she's not going away for this weekend.

GEORGEWhat do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her up.

JERRYWell, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a

girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger.

Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad smell.

GEORGEWell maybe you should ask Elaine.

JERRYYeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted.

GEORGEOh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.

JERRYYeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?

JERRYAh, Kramer.

KRAMERHello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? What do ya be?

JERRYWill you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.

KRAMERSo, what are you guys doin this weekend?

JERRY:, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..

KRAMERBecause I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester country club. Hum.

JERRYWestchester? Isn't that a private club?

KRAMEROh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St.

and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round then he says anytime I lay one of

these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't that beautiful.

JERRYand GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye,

KRAMERMan, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo

GEORGEGee, that's too bad.

JERRYToo bad.

KRAMERWhy? What wa?

GEORGEWell, they got any golf courses up there?

JERRYand GEORGE: No, no, no, no.

GEORGEThat's pie country.

JERRYYeah

GEORGEThey do a lot of baking up there.

JERRYThey sell them by the side of the road.

PIE PIE PIE PIE

<MONKS>

ELAINEI don't know.

JERRYCome on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it will be a better group.

ELAINEWhat's that?

JERRYAh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things.

I hate doin' this.

ELAINE"I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?

JERRYYeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?

ELAINEWell, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!

JERRYWell, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.

ELAINEWhat about me?

JERRYYou'll be naked of course.

ELAINEUh, thats, ...

MELExcuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?

JERRYYeah.

MELMy name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there.

JERRYOh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo.

MELIt's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago. I was watching

the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood. Damnedest thing.

Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.

JERRYA bubble?

ELAINEA bubble?

MELYes, a bubble!

MELDo you mind? May I?

ELAINEOh, sure.

MELAh, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me.

And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed everything. All for our little bubble boy

: <in tears>

MELExcuse me, I

ELAINEHere <giving out paper napkins>

<<THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SCENES - MEL AND ELAINE WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES, JERRY WIPES CRUMBS FROM HIS MOUTH>>

MELExcuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV

JERRYYou get in the bubble with him?

MELNo. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.

JERRYOh, I thought it was like an igloo.

MELNo, it's clear.

JERRYAh ha.

ELAINEWho has the remote?

MELHe does.

ELAINEThe remote goes through the bubble?

MELYeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.

JERRYSo you have no control over the remote?

MELNo, it's frustrating.

ELAINEYeah, of course, yeah.

MELSo anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot

of hemoglobin.

JERRYThat's nice!

MELTomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit

and just say hello.

JERRYHu, well, tomorrow, I, ...

ELAINEJerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.

JERRYYeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up town? Upper west side?

MELUp state.

JERRYUp state! Hummm.

<break>

<Jerry's apartment>

JERRYHe's a bubble boy.

GEORGEA bubble boy?

JERRYYes. a bubble boy.

SUSANWhat's a bubble boy?

JERRYHe lives in a bubble.

GEORGEBoy!

SUSANSo, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?

JERRYNo, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.

SUSANOh,

GEORGEWhat kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?

JERRYThat's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.

It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.

SUSANWell, where does he live?

JERRYI don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'

SUSANWait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.

GEORGEAll right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.

JERRYYou think we can do it?

SUSANI know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.

JERRYOh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.

SUSANI'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.

GEORGEAll right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.

JERRYOK,

KRAMERWell,

GEORGEand JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.

KRAMERWell, I'm off to the links.

GEORGEand JERRY: Yeah,

KRAMERListen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.

SUSANThe what?

GEORGENothing, uh lets get going. Come on.

SUSANDid you..

GEORGENo, no, we'll talk about it later.

SUSANIs that one of the cigars my father gave you?

<break>

<IN car on highway

ELAINEhey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?

JERRYAh, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.

ELAINEOh, that's nice!

JERRYWhat's he doing? What is his hurry?

ELAINEWell you know George. It's not enough to get there. you gotta make good time.

JERRYI know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.

I never heard the end of it....Look at him.

<George's car>

GEORGEWould you stop that please. Would you just stop that?

SUSANWhy?

GEORGE... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here.

I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's

ten dollars for the tolls.

<Jerry's car>

JERRYWhat's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?

ELAINEIsn't that blue car him?

JERRYNo, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot.

Now what are we going to do?

ELAINEIt's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.

JERRYI don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town.

ELAINEWa',you don't have the directions?

JERRYNo, I was following him.

ELAINEHow could you not take the directions?

JERRYBecause, HE'S my directions.

SUSANI didn't see them George.

JERRYwe make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -

ELAINEPoor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever.

JERRYI DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM

ELAINEJust get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.

SUSANWe lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!

GEORGEIt's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?

SUSANWell now what are you going to do?

GEORGEIt's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.

SUSANDoes he have the address?

<Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper from the counter>

JERRY(answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.

N: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin

KRAMERWait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know,

Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got

pies and I got the directions right here.

<break>

<Kramer's car>

KRAMERSo then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind

if I smoke?

N: No.

KRAMERThese are Cubans. <IN FAKE SPANISH> Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.

N: ha ha ha ha ha ha

GEORGEI don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.

GEORGEStop, would you quit it.

GEORGEMaybe someone is going to see us here.

SUSANSo what? You are SUCH a prude.

GEORGEHey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them.

SUSANCome on lets go in.

GEORGEWhat?

SUSANWell we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.

GEORGEI can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.

SUSANWhat's the matter?

G I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the

hospital. She was getting' better.

And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.

SUSANWe're goin' in. Come on.

GEORGESusan, please... <grabs her>

SUSANGeorge. Stop.

GEORGEWould you wai,..

JERRY<ranting> Can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans,

packing, ... everything

ELAINEYour whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?

JERRYWhy do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB.

I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding me about the BB?

JERRYI'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.

WAITRESSHow about you?

ELAINEI'll just have a glass of water.

JERRY(whispers) You can't just have water.

ELAINEWhy not? That's all I want.

JERRYWell this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.

WAITRESSHold it a second. Don't you play on TV?

JERRYOh, no.

ELAINEYES! yes. You saw him on TV.

WAITRESSWhat's your name?

ELAINEJerry Seinfeld.

JERRYElaaaiinne...

WAITRESSGarry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show.

ELAINERight. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?

WAITRESSOh, ha ha

JERRYUh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.

ELAINEHe's lying. They're in the trunk <takes car keys > Now you get to sign another one.

JERRYI'm not lying.

ELAINEYeah, he is. <as she leaves>

JERRYShe'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken.

<Sanger's house>

Mrs. SangerYou see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic

divider.

GEORGEand SUSAN: <nod>

GEORGECan you uh, go in the bubble?

Mrs. SANGERWell, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.

MELThe gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.

GEORGESo then he makes his own bed?

Mrs. SANGERwell, that's one of the things we fight about.

MELWould you like to meet him?

GEORGEUh, well, you know,...

Mrs. SANGERHe loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.

DONALDHEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,

SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.

Mrs. SANGER<embarrassed> ha ha ha.

: he he he One picture left in the truck.

JERRYUh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend.

ELAINEWhere's my water?

JERRYOh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.

WAITRESSThanks.

ELAINEWaddya' write?

WAITRESS"There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."

E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."?

JERRYNo good?

ELAINETHIS is what you came up with?

JERRYWell.

ELAINEThat is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.

JERRYYeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what I wrote.

WAITRESSIt's good. I like it.

JERRYNo, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.

WAITRESSWell, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.

JERRYNo, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.

WAITRESSRIGHT! <leaves>

<Donald's room>

Mrs. SANGERThis is Donald.

GEORGEHi.

SUSANHello.

DONALDWHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?

Mrs. SANGERHe's on his way. These are his friends.

DONALDWHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?

GEORGE'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.

DONALDWHAT'S YOUR STORY?

SUSANI, I have no story.

GEORGEShe works for NBC.

DONALDHOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?

Mrs. SANGERDonald, behave yourself.

DONALDCOME ON.

Mrs. SANGERI know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial Pursuit?

GEORGEWell, you know we gotta been running because of the ...

DONALDWHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?

GEORGEHumph, no, uh, it's just that ...

DONALDI'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

JERRYLook, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.

WAITRESSYou are really startin' to get under my skin.

JERRYI want that picture.

WAITRESSWell, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.

JERRYI'm not paying for anything until I get that back.

WAITRESSWell, you ain't getting' it back.

JERRYWell, maybe I'll just take it back. <Hits picture>

ELAINEThis chicken is really good.

<BB's room>

DONALDOK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!

GEORGEAll right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?

DONALDTHAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.

GEORGEOh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.

DONALDMOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.

GEORGEI'm sorry the card says MOOPS.

DONALDIT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.

GEORGEIt's MOOPS.

DONALDMOORS.

GEORGEMOOPS,

DONALDMOORS!

KRAMERHey, anybody home?

N: What should we do?

KRAMERHuh, hold these <boxes of> pies.

<Donald's room>

GEORGEHelp, someone. <BUBBLE BOY is strangling George>

DONALDTHERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.

SUSANStop it. Let go of him!

Mrs. SANGERDonald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!

DONALDI'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

Mrs. SANGERDonald, ... donald...

DONALDMOORS. SAY MOORS!

Mrs. SANGERDonald, No. ... stop it ..

JERRYWhat are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!

WAITRESSAre you going to pay for that?

JERRYNo, I want the picture back.

MAN #1: Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to the hospital.

WAITRESSWhat? <releases Jerry>

JERRYThe BB? He lives around here?

MAN #1: That's his house right down the road.

MAN #2: He got in a fight with some guy.

Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the BB?

MAN #2: Some little bald guy from the city.

MAN #1: Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?

KRAMERNaomi, come on let's get goin'.

N: But that lake must be freezing.

KRAMERNah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.

N: Ready to go swimming?

KRAMERLet's go. OK,

N: ha ha ha ha ha

GEORGEJerry, what happened to you?

JERRYWhat happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.

GEORGEI was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him.

SUSANIt's a long story.

DONALDHEY SEINFELD!

JERRYHey, Happy Birthday.

ELAINEHi.

DONALDTHANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.

GEORGEOh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?

DONALDMOORS

GEORGEMOOPS

DONALDMOORS

MAN #1: There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him.

GEORGEGo, go, get out, ...

<Jerry's car, sirens blasting>

JERRYFire engines?

<George's car>

GEORGEMust be a big one.

SUSANDo you smell something?

JERRYYeah, smoke.

GEORGEyeah, <cough> Definite smoke.

ELAINEArgh, look at the fire! <cough>

JERRYHoly cow! look at that!

SUSANIT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!

ELAINEThe CABIN is on fire!

GEORGEI just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the toll.

ELAINEHow could this have happened?

KRAMER<singing> ... wild funky mountain man ...

N: Oy, my god, the cabin?

JERRYWhat are you two doin' here?

N: Look at that.

JERRYYou didn't <makes motion like lighting a cigar>

KRAMER<runs to burning cabin> My Cubans!

[END SHOW]