George asks Jerry to stop being funny around his new girlfriend — while Babu Bhatt's visa problems come back to haunt Jerry.
What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."
GeorgeSo you're a lawyer. What kind of cases do you handle?
CherylOh, everything. Divorce, patents, immigration and naturalization.
GeorgeWhat is that, immigrants come over, you show them how to act natural?
Cheryl (laughing): Are your friends as funny as you?
GeorgeNo, they're not funny at all. No, I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El Clowno.
Quick pan to the front door as Jerry and Elaine are entering.
ElaineLook, I was nice enough to pick it up for you
JerryHey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
ElaineIt's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.
JerryElaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail.
Cut back to George and Cheryl at the counter.
CherylHere's my card.
GeorgeOh, ok. Thank you. It was good talking to you.
CherylNice meeting you.
GeorgeYeah.
Cheryl leaves, George walks over to the booth to meet Jerry and Elaine.
ElaineHi!
JerryHey, how ya doin?
GeorgeYou would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
ElaineWhat, the one who just left?
GeorgeYeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she's this lawyer who's incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I'm hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can't go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go.
ElaineYeah, well, I guess it's all over.
Jerry (looking behind the counter): Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu!
BabuJerry!
JerryLook at you, you got the job.
BabuYes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.
JerryOh, I didn't do anything.
BabuYes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.
JerryCome on.
BabuYou very very good man, you do everything for me. My family and I can never thank you enough for everything you do.
Cut back to George and Elaine.
GeorgeYou see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.
ElaineNo they don't.
GeorgeOoooh, yes they do.
ElaineNooo.
GeorgeYa gotta put on a show, ya always gotta give them a big show. You always have to be 'on' otherwise why would they like me? They'd just go for a better looking guy with more money.
Elaine nods her head in approval.
GeorgeYou mean that's true, I'm right?!
JerryOk, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu.
BabuOh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.
JerryOk, I'll see you around the building.
BabuI'll see you *in* the building.
Jerry (returning to the table): Remember Babu Bhatt?
GeorgeWho's he?
JerryRemember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday?
ElaineYeah, yeah.
JerryCan you bring my mail then?
GeorgeWhat mail?
ElaineI picked up his mail while he was on the road
GeorgeWhy didn't Kramer pick it up?
JerryCause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
GeorgeOh yeah, right. When's he coming back?
JerryMonday, I think.
GeorgeKramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.
JerryHey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off.
George has a dream sequence where the four of them are at a dinner table and Cheryl is laughing hysterically at one of Jerry's jokes.
Jerry...he never heard of corduroy!
Cheryl (howling with laughter): Stop it, you're killing me!!
JerryHe never heard of corduroy! True story, true story.
Dream sequence ends.
GeorgeNo, no I don't think so.
ElaineWhy?
GeorgeWell I think I'm better off going one-on-one.
JerryI don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.
GeorgeShe might not be comfortable.
ElaineWhy? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.
JerryWe'll be funny.
GeorgeNo! No. It's not good, I don't think so.
ElaineAlright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven.
JerryNo, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's.
ElaineWhy?
JerryNo, it's too trendy, no Isabella's.
George (tasting the wine): Excellent. Like I really know what I'm talking about.
Cheryl laughs.
GeorgeToasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
Just then the headwaiter seats Jerry and Elaine at the next table.
JerryLook who's here! Georgie-boy!
What are you doing here? I thought you said you hated Isabella's?
ElaineNo, I talked him into it.
GeorgeWhat happened to the auto show?
JerryOh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model.
ElaineThe turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the 21st century.
Jerry and Cheryl laugh, George, unamused, tries pushing Jerry and Elaine away from their table.
Elaine (to Cheryl, who's rising to shake her outstretched hand): Hi.
GeorgeCheryl, Elaine, and uh, Jerry.
Jerry (shaking hands in turn): Hi, nice to meet you.
CherylWould you like to join us?
GeorgeOh no no no, they don't want to join us.
CherylOh no, it's ok, don't be silly.
ElaineOk, well why don't we just put these two tables together?
George (as the others are repositioning the tables): No, no, you can't do that, they're round, it makes an 'eight' and, yeah, well alright.
ElaineJerry? Jerry, tell them that funny story you were telling me--
GeorgeNo! No.
ElaineNo George, it's so funny. We saw this cab driver's picture, right?
George (interrupting): You know we should really order, the service is so slow here, by the time you get anything...
ElaineOh, Cheryl, can I ask you a legal question? Um, I'm being sued.
CherylOh? What happened?
ElaineWell, I ran out to apologize to a virgin and I crossed against the light and I knocked over the delivery boy.
CherylWas he Chinese?
ElaineYeah.
CherylIs your last name Benes?
JerryHow did you know?
CherylPing is my cousin!
ElaineNo!
JerryThat's so funny!
CherylI'm handling his case!
ElaineWhat? You're Cheryl Fong?
CherylThat's right!
By now, they're all laughing.
ElaineOh my god, I can't believe it! That is such a coincidence!
CherylYeah, I know!
ElaineWow, well, I guess you don't have any advice for me on how to win the case?
CherylWill you excuse me? I have to make a call.
ElaineTell Ping I said hello.
JerryTell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.
They all laugh as Cheryl walks away.
George (suddenly not laughing): What are you doing? What are you doing?
JerryWhat?
GeorgeThis is not good. This is not good.
JerryWhat's the matter?
GeorgeI just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.
JerryWhy not?
ElaineHe thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.
JerryBiff?
GeorgeWhat?
JerryYou're not worried about that?
GeorgeNo, of course not.
JerryI mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?
ElaineHe thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.
JerryWell, should we leave?
GeorgeMaybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
ElaineThis is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?
JerryI don't have to be funny, I don't care.
GeorgeYou don't?
JerryNo way! It's completely under my control.
ElaineNo, it's not. You cannot not be funny.
JerryOf course I can, am I being funny now?
ElaineA little.
JerryOh, this is funny? I'm being funny?
ElaineYeah.
JerryGeorge, is this funny?
GeorgeIt's funny! (To Elaine) and it wouldn't kill you to not be so funny either.
ElaineWhat? What did I do?
Cheryl returns.
GeorgeHi.
Jerry (subdued, almost somber): Hello. Welcome back.
CherylSorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.
ElaineWell, nobody likes to get old, right?
JerryWell, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
GeorgeFunny guy, huh?
ElaineHere, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.
JerryWell thank you very much, it's about time.
ElaineOh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.
JerryDrop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money.
ElaineYeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.
Jerry (leafing through his mail): Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris.
They hear a noise from the hallway.
JerryHear that? Guess who's back. (Opening the door) Hey!
KramerHey.
JerryI thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
KramerWell, the camp ended a few days early.
JerryWhy?
KramerUh, well there was an incident.
JerryWhat happened?
KramerI punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
JerryWhat?
KramerYeah, I punched him and they took him to the hospital and then they canceled the rest of the week.
ElaineYou punched who in the mouth?
KramerMickey Mantle.
JerryWhat happened?
KramerWell, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
JerryWow! Joe Pepitone!
KramerYeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.
JerryYou plunked him.
KramerOh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
JerryWow, this is incredible!
A voice is heard from the hallway.
BabuLeave me alone! You can't do this to me!
JerryWhat's going on out there?
BabuWhat are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad.
JerryBabu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
Elaine (to Kramer): Yeah, so?
KramerThen Hank Bauer, you know, he's screaming, "Mickey! Mickey! What have you done with Mickey? You killed Mickey!"
ElaineSo what'd you do?
KramerWell, I got the hell out of there.
Jerry (running back in): They took Babu away!
ElaineThey took Babu away?!
JerryYeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame.
Babu (calling from the street): Jerry! Jerry! Help me!
JerryI will, Babu! I will help you, Babu, don't worry!
KramerThen Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.
Jerry (thumbing through his mail): Uh oh.
ElaineWhat?
JerryWell this is interesting.
ElaineWhat is it?
JerryIt's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake.
KramerWell, doesn't he need that?
JerryIf you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened.
ElaineWell, you should have come to my house to pick it up.
JerryYeah, so am I being funny now?
ElaineNo, actually, you're not being funny now.
JerrySee, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now.
GeorgeNo, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.
JerryOh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired.
GeorgeWhat do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.
JerryYeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does.
GeorgeAlright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.
JerryAh, will you stop it already?
GeorgeJerry, please?
JerryHow long is this gonna go on?
GeorgeTill I'm comfortable.
JerryWell, when is that gonna be?
GeorgeAfter consummation.
JerryConsummation? I don't think you have enough material.
CherylI actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.
Jerry (somber): That's wonderful news. Thank you.
CherylYou're a very serious person, aren't you?
JerryWell, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
CherylI understand.
Jerry reaches for the milk for his coffee.
CherylI think it's curdled.
JerryI don't care.
CherylDo you ever laugh?
JerryNot really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
CherylThat's so sad. What do you do?
JerryI'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful.
Elaine (entering as Jerry heads to the register): Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?
JerryYeah, I'll just pay for this.
ElaineOh, I'm just gonna go say hi to Cheryl. (walking over to the booth) Hi.
CherylHi.
ElaineListen, gosh, I wanted to thank you so much for convincing Ping to drop the case.
CherylWell, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.
Elaine (laughing): You're kidding.
Cheryl (laughing): No, I'm not.
JerryBabu!
BabuJerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!
JerryYou remember Elaine.
BabuYes, yes of course!
ElaineNice to meet you.
BabuSo nice of you both to come.
JerryOh, Babu.
BabuNo no, you're both very kind, very kind.
Jerry and Elaine (in unison): Oh, well, you know.
ElaineWe try.
JerryWe do what we can.
ElaineWe do what we can.
BabuThe problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.
JerryYes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows.
BabuComedy shows! You're a very funny man.
JerryWell, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full.
BabuOh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.
JerryOh, I don't want to bother you.
BabuNo bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man.
JerrySo yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.
BabuCome again?
JerryYou see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
ElaineYeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
BabuYou had my Visa application?!
JerryWell not technically.
Babu (extremely and suddenly agitated): I kill you!!
JerryWell what about her?
BabuI kill both of you!!
JerryBabu?!
BabuNo Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!
JerryBabu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!
BabuThe wheels are in motion?
JerryThe wheels are in motion, things are happening!
GeorgeJerry?
CherylI'm very attracted to him.
GeorgeYou think the person you were talking to is him? That's not even close to him. He's funny, Jerry's funny.
CherylHe never said anything funny.
GeorgeHe can't not be funny.
CherylNo no no, he's dark. And disturbed.
GeorgeDark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
CherylSo you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
GeorgeYes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
CherylI gotta go.
GeorgeWell, should I call you later?
CherylPlease don't.
GeorgeBut, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!!
ElaineSo, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?
JerryI don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care of it, he should be back by now. (Answering the buzzer) Yeah?
GeorgeIt's George.
JerryC'mon up.
They hear a voice in the hallway, Jerry opens the door.
JerryBabu must be back.
Babu's BrotherBabu, my goodness, what has happened to you?
JerryWhere's Babu?
Babu's BrotherHe is in Pakistan!
JerryWho are you?
Babu's BrotherI am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed.
JerryI'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.
Babu's BrotherThen where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!
Elaine (offering a drink): Snapple?
Babu's BrotherNo, too fruity.
Babu's Brother leaves, George enters.
JerryHey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa.
GeorgeShe didn't help him?
JerryNo.
GeorgeWhere is he?
JerryHe's in Pakistan.
GeorgeOh boy.
JerryWhat do you mean, oh boy?
GeorgeWell, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.
JerryTold her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported.
GeorgeWhat do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.
JerryThat's because she had my mail.
Kramer enters.
ElaineYeah, well I wouldn't have had to get your mail if he hadn't gone to that fantasy camp.
KramerWell, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.
JerryHow could you go in there?
KramerWell, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!
JerryWell, what happened?
KramerI got down in my knees and went, "Go ahead, Mickey. Hit me. I'm begging you, Mickey, please hit me. C'mon, hit me. I love you, Mickey, I love you!"
ElaineSo, what did he do?
KramerWell, the four of them, they picked me up by my pants and they threw me outside, right into a horse.
There's a knock on Kramer's door.
VoiceKramer?
KramerYeah? It's my Chinese food.
Ping enters with a bag of food.
ElaineOh! Ping! Hi! Listen, thank you so much for dropping that lawsuit against me.
PingNot anymore.
ElaineWhat?
PingCheryl call me last night, lawsuit back on.
ElaineWhy?
PingShe call you and your friends big liars. You think she nice girl? Wait till you see her in court. She's a shark! They call her the Terminator. She never lose a case. Now you make her mad. She double the damages. Hasta la vista, baby.
Ping exits.
BabuSo his friend got the mail but she did not give it to him. And then he came to visit me. Said the lawyer was called to help, he said the wheels were in motion, but there was no motion. There was nothing. And so they sent me back here.
Babu's FriendThis is a terrible story, Babu. What are you going to do?
BabuI'm going to save up every rupee. Someday, I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very very bad man.
Closing monologue.
I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, 'Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...', can't we just say, 'Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got.'? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, 'Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'
[END SHOW]