The Junior Mint

Opening monologue (yes, I taped it this time!)

JerryYou can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' ``Alright, gimme everything you have, too''. [End monologue -- Time 0:30] Jerry's apartment, Jerry's unloading groceries.

GeorgeYou met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?

JerryProduce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.

GeorgeSo when're you gonna see her?

JerryTonight.

GeorgeWhat's her name?

JerryI... don't... know...

GeorgeHow could you not know her name?

JerryI was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish... Jerry interrupts himself to pick up a pile of black driftwood on his counter...

JerryLook at that. Why do I get bananas? They're good for *one* day... Oops. My mistake. Guess those were bananas. Anybody know a good banana bread recipe?

GeorgeOh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.

JerryYeah, I did that too.

GeorgeYou remember the, the little bank book, there?

JerrySure.

GeorgeAlright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1 900 dollars. 1 900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!

JerryWow!

GeorgeYeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...

JerryY'know I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle.

GeorgeReally? Who?

JerryNobody you know...

GeorgeMaybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...

JerryWhy don't you put it in the *bank*?

GeorgeThe *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!

Jerry*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it... The K-Man cometh... Jerry flips him a pack of dishwashing gloves he picked up for him at the grocery store.

GeorgeWhat's with the gloves?

KramerWell, I'm staining my floors and, y'know, I don't want to get my hands dirty...

GeorgeWhat, the whole apartment?

KramerThe whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.

JerryWhat, you rented "Home Alone"?

GeorgeYeah.

JerryI thought you saw that already...

GeorgeNo, I saw "Home Alone II".

JerryOh, right... But you *hated* it!

GeorgeWell I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here?

JerryWhat for?

JerryBecause if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something. Y'know George, *I* have friends who base their life on *that* principle... The brute comes back in wearing the gloves Jerry got him.

KramerI can't work with these!

JerryWhat's wrong?

KramerWell, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...

JerryYou said "gloves"...

KramerNo, no, these are too thick.

KramerOooh, is that "Home Alone"?

GeorgeYeah. The *original*. Elaine enters to a fanfare of "Woos" and applause from the studio audience. I hate that. Did I mention I hate that?

ElaineHey Boys-O! Jerry and Kramer get up to leave, but there's been a change of plans...

ElaineRemember Roy, the artist?

JerryRight, the "triangle" guy.

ElaineExactly, the "triangle" guy.

JerryYeah, you liked him. What happened with him?

ElaineYeah I did. He was very talented. He was just a little too...

JerryArtsy?

ElaineFat.

JerryOh.

ElaineHe was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare. Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him. The three of them agree, particularly since Kramer can seek out some of those thin medical gloves at the hospital. He goes to get his stuff.

ElaineListen, Jerry can you do me a favour? Could you go into the room with me to visit him because I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.

JerryOh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend.

ElaineWell...

JerryWell I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim. Kramer is ready to go so they're on their way out. Elaine notices George is staying behind and queries:

ElaineWhat's with him?

JerryY'know a lot of people have asked that... At the Hospital, Elaine and Jerry find the triangle man's room, but it seems as though something is amiss...

ElaineRoy! Roy: *Elaine*! What a *surprise*.

ElaineOh, my *God*! I hardly recognise you! You look so... Roy: I've lost some weight...

ElaineA *lot* of weight. Roy: I know.

ElaineYou look ter*rific*. Roy: Thank you. So do you. Elaine introduces Jerry (the boyfriend) to Roy:

ElaineThis is... uh... you *really* lost weight. Roy: Thank you. Since Elaine has got the "screamin' thigh sweats" goin', Jerry takes it upon himself to be introduced and sticks out his hand.

JerryJerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. While this is going on, Kramer is out in the hallway trying to find his gloves. He tries a door:

WomanWaaaaaaaaa! Oops. Wrong door. Try the next one, K-Man...

KramerAh, the mother lode! Call off the dogs, the hunt is over. Back in Roy's room, Elaine is sitting on Roy's lap.

ElaineI can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you... Roy: Yes, I remember. Y'know there's nothing like some nice words to make you feel all warm n' gushy inside when you're really ill.

ElaineWell that's the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. Roy: Elaine, it wasn't the illness. It was you. That's a relief. I though he was going to say "liposuction". Roy: After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.

Elaine*Get* *out*! Roy: Really, it's the truth.

ElaineJerry, did you hear that? He couldn't eat for weeks...

JerryThat's terrible...

ElaineI had no idea I had that kind of effect on you. Roy: You did.

JerryYou know I can't get this damn thing to sleep... Oh yeah, did I mention Jerry was playing with a Yo-Yo?

ElaineNow listen, tell me something. When are you gettin out of here? Roy: Next Thursday.

ElaineOkay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin... Um, Jerry (the boyfriend) seems to have a problem with this and the two exchange in a banter that's only funny if you hear it 'cuz they speak to each other in super-polite, higher-pitched voices.

JerryHoney... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?

ElaineNo that's the week after.

JerryNo, I believe it's next week.

ElaineYou're wrong.

JerryNo I'm not...

ElaineShut up... Kramer comes back in the room with a mitt full o' gloves.

KramerPay dirt!

ElaineUh Roy, this is Kramer-- he's one of our friends. Roy: How do you do?

KramerI do great. Roy's doctor comes into the room. Doctor: Hi Roy. Roy: Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.

JerryHey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world] I *just* learned that. The doctor is at a loss Doctor: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.

KramerYeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors? Doctor: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?

KramerI sure am. Doctor: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.

KramerBut you *will* use... a retractor. Doctor: We have to...

KramerMmm-hmm... Kramer, you ombudsman you... Maybe his name is "Ralph Nader Kramer"? Doctor: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?

KramerI'd love to watch the operation, yeah!

JerryI dunno...

KramerOh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts'll be all over the place...

JerryYeah, that's true...

Kramer...They'll saw through bone. [makes saw noises while gesturing over Roy's chest] You'll see what's *inside* bone... He makes it sound so appealing, doesn't he? We skip ahead to Jerry's apartment. George is finishing watching the movie and he, uh, has something in his eye...

JerryHey.

GeorgeHi...

JerryWhat are doing, you crying??

GeorgeNo...

JerryYou crying from "Home Alone"??

GeorgeThe old man got to me.

JerryAlright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display

GeorgeShut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway?

JerryOh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves and wanted to get home and start working on his floor.

GeorgeHow's the guy?

JerryOh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art.

GeorgeThat's nerve...

JerryYeah, so she and "Triangle Boy" can go out to fancy restaurants.

GeorgeY'know what it is? It's "Clara Nightingale Syndrome". He falls ill; she falls in love.

JerryYou mean Florence Nightingale.

GeorgeWhat'd I say? Clara?

JerryYeah, you must have meant Clara Barton.

GeorgeClara Barton? What did she do?

JerryI'm not sure, but I think she was nice.

GeorgeSusan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with.

JerryYeah, I think you would.

GeorgeSo, you gonna buy his art?

JerryNo. Why don't you buy it? You got 1 900 dollars.

GeorgeYeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.

JerryI will.

GeorgeY'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.

JerryNo, it isn't. I can find out.

GeorgeYeah? How?

JerryThere are ways. Later, the mystery woman and Jerry are sitting on the couch...

JerryY'know I remember when I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe-- "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", "Seinsmelled"...

Woman"Seinsmelled"?

JerryYeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?

WomanAre you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are. How can anyone not like him? They embrace...

WomanOh, Jerry...

JerryOh... *you*... J+G sit at Monk's later and they're in the middle of a conversation when we join them...

GeorgeNow let's try "breast"... Celeste... Kest...

JerryNo.

GeorgeRest... Sest... Hest...

Jerry"Hest"? That's not a name.

GeorgeWhat, you should've just asked her.

JerryI know, I should've asked her.

GeorgeWhat're you gonna do now?

JerryI dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.

GeorgeAretha!

JerryNo...

GeorgeBovary!

JerryAlright, that's enough.

GeorgeAlright, well you know what you gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the credit cards, driver's license...

JerryHow am I gonna do that?

GeorgeWhen she goes to the bathroom.

KramerAh, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?

JerryYou asked a date to go to the operation?

KramerYeah... So c'mon, what d'you say?

GeorgeWhat kind of operation is it?

KramerSpleenectomy.

GeorgeIsn't that where they remove the--

KramerDon't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet! Yeah George, what if Kramer told you the ending to "Home Alone" before you finally saw it.

KramerC'mon, what d'you say?

GeorgeMulva!

JerryMulva?

KramerC'mon, do you wanna go?

JerryAlright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll go watch them slice this fat bastard up. We cut to the operating room at the Hospital where J+K are seated in the front row of the viewing gallery directly overlooking the table below. There's no glass in front of them, or anything, so they can look right over the edge. Doctor: Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor. I still don't trust that retractor. Anyway, Kramer gets a box of candy out and starts to munch...

JerryWhat are you eating?

KramerJunior Mints. Do you want one?

JerryNo...

KramerI can't see... Psst.... Kramer motions to a nurse to get out of the way so he can see. Say what you want about the Loathsome brute, but the man has tact.

JerryWhere'd you get those?

KramerThe machine. You want one? Here, take one.

JerryI don't want any!

KramerNo, they're good!

JerryI don't want any!

KramerJust take one.

JerryNo! Kramer, stop it! The two try to force the Junior mint on each other and in the struggle the sweet projectile launches itself into the air towards the operating table and, well, in a word: "Bingo". [End Act I -- 9:30] We're at Jerry's apartment where he is obviously relating the day's events to George.

Jerry...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!

GeorgeWhat do you mean "into the patient"?

JerryInto the patient, *literally*!

GeorgeInto the hole?

JerryYes, the hole!

GeorgeDidn't they notice it?

JerryNo!

GeorgeHow could they not notice it?!?

JerryBecause it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.

GeorgeWhat did they do?

JerryThey sealed him up with the mint inside.

GeorgeThey *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?

JerryYes!

GeorgeI guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.

JerryThey *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity! Kramer enters...

KramerHey, this wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!

JerryWhy did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!

KramerWell, I didn't believe you.

JerryHow could you not believe me?!?

KramerWho's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!

JerryThat's true.

KramerIt's very refreshing!

JerryWell, just don't say anything about this to Elaine... Elaine enters the apartment, looking forlorn and morose...

ElainePrognosis... negative.

JerryPrognosis *negative*!?

ElaineHe's not doing well, the doctors don't know what it is. They're baffled. J+K: Oh, my God...

ElaineJust my luck, y'know... just when he's getting thin and attractive. Y'know Jerry, you should buy some of his art. That would really lift his spirits.

GeorgeIt's that bleak?

ElaineMmm... Elaine goes to the bathroom, and George's mind shifts into third...

GeorgeY'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something... How can anyone not like him?

Jerry and Kramer irrationally discuss what they're going to do about all this.

JerryWe gotta confess.

KramerReally?

JerryYes!

KramerWe could be tried for murder...

JerryI can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb!

KramerYou're not gonna say anything, you got that?

JerryI'm telling and you can't stop me!

KramerYou're *not*!!! Elaine comes out of the biffy (just in time before J+K resorted to fisticuffs). George, ever the caring nurturer, does Elaine a favour:

GeorgeHey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1 900 dollars worth. Later, at the apartment, the Mystery Woman gives Jerry a massage.

JerryOh yeah, that's the spot...

WomanWhat're you so tense about?

JerryOh, nothing really... Just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva.

WomanWhat?

JerryMulva?

WomanMulva?

JerryMy Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.

WomanI'm going to the bathroom. Be right back.

JerryOh, good idea... She comes back suddenly...

WomanWhat are you doing?

JerryOh, I was just looking for some... gum or... mint.

WomanOh, I have Junior Mints.

JerryNo! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you... Stealthy Kramer enters the apartment (again!)

KramerAny news?

Jerry[whispering] No, you better get out of here. No, wait a second... Wait a second... I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name.

Kramer10-4.

WomanOh, hello.

KramerHello, I'm Kramer.

WomanNice to meet you.

KramerSee you later. [He leaves] I think I must have blinked 'cus I missed the introduction.

WomanWell, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.

JerryHey, there's a name you don't forget. She goes to leave, and George comes in with a couple more movies to watch at Jerry's (I'm not positive, but I think the movie on top is "Pretty Woman", in which Jason Alexander plays an evil lawyer (like there's any other kind). But I digress).

WomanOh, hi.

GeorgeHi, I'm George.

WomanNice to meet you, George. She leaves...

GeorgeI gave it a shot... So, any word on the "artiste"?

JerryNo, I haven't heard anything.

GeorgeWell, I got my triangles.

JerryReally...

GeorgeYup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.

JerryYeah, I'm sure...

JerryWell, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.

GeorgeNo, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.

JerryWhy?

GeorgeYou could get in trouble.

JerryLook, I gotta try and help the guy.

GeorgeWho are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?

JerryYes I'd like to speak to Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...

GeorgeWhat? What?

JerryOh, thats *fantastic*!

GeorgeHe didn't get better, did he?

JerryThank you very much. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!

GeorgeWhere's the luck? There's no luck. 1 900 dollars down the drain. Back at the Hospital, Roy is recovering with a heapin' helpin' of spaghetti. Roy: You saved my life, George. You buying my art is what inspired me to get better. I'll never forget what you did for me.

GeorgeOh, that's great. That's great.

KramerY'know, art is a great investment.

ElaineIt's gonna look great in your apartment, George.

GeorgeYes I look forward to many years of looking at the triangles. Well, I'll wait for you outside. Roy: Hey, George... [kiss] Doctor: Y'know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.

JerryWhat do you mean? Doctor: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above...

KramerMint? Doctor: Those can be very refreshing. Roy has other matters on his mind (not to mention he's eating the plate of spaghetti like an absolute pig). Old habits die hard, I guess... Roy: So Elaine... Where are we going for our big dinner on Friday?

ElaineI'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we're going to the Poconos on Friday, right honey? [pointing to Jerry (the boyfriend)]

JerryI don't think so...

ElaineWe are...

JerryI believe we're not...

Elaine[Catching another glimpse of Roy eating] Please can we go to the Poconos?

JerryWell, I'll think about it... Back at Jerry's apartment...

WomanGreat seats. You could see the actors spitting.

JerryReally...

WomanAnd afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.

JerryOh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?

WomanYeah.

JerryDo you have it with you?

WomanYeah, it's in my purse.

JerryLet me see.

WomanY'know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.

WomanOh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia...

WomanI had it autographed for my uncle.

JerryYeah, I know...

WomanYou don't know my name, do you?

JerryYes I do.

WomanWhat is it?

JerryIt, uh, rhymes with a female body part.

WomanWhat is it?

JerryMulva... Oops... She leaves the apartment. Jerry follows and tries again:

JerryGipple? And again:

JerryLoleola? Nope. He goes back inside and goes to get something out of the refrigerator, but before the fridge light can even go on, a light goes on in Jerry's head and he rushes to the window to catch the Mystery Woman before she gets out of earshot.

JerryOh! Oh! *Delores*! [End Act II -- Time 17:15] Closing monologue.

JerryAges zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school-- they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favourite candies that you love. ``I love those... I hate those...''. ``I hate those... I love those...''. And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between a red M&M and a light brown M&M. Two totally different things when you're seven years old. ``Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavour; it's an after dinner M&M, really''.