The Mango

[location: nightclub]

JERRYA female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left.

You know there are two types of female orgasm: the real and the fake. And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know. We do not know, because to man sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked 'What did you see after the car went out of control?'. 'I heard a lot of screeching sounds. I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point. And in the end my body was thrown clear.

[location: Monk's]

JERRYSo, what's her name?

GEORGEKarin.

JERRYIs she nice?

GEORGEGreat.

JERRYSo you like her?

GEORGEI think so.

JERRYYou don't know?

GEORGEI can't tell anymore.

JERRYWell do you feel anything?

GEORGEFeel? What's that?

JERRYAll right, let me ask you this: when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?

GEORGEYeah.

JERRYYou're just straightening up or you're cleaning?

GEORGECleaning

JERRYYou do the tub?

GEORGEYeah.

JERRYOn your knees, Ajax, scrubbing, the whole deal?

GEORGEYeah.

JERRYOkay, I think you're in love!

GEORGETub is love?

JERRYTub is love. So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.

GEORGEYep. There's one little problem.

JERRYSexual?

GEORGEYeeeaaah. Well..... I've never really feld confident in..... one particular aspect.

JERRYBelow the equator?

GEORGEYeah.

JERRYNobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.

GEORGEI don't know. Last time I got the tap.

JERRYYou got the tap?

GEORGEYou know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.

JERRYThe tap is tough.

GEORGEIt's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.

JERRYWell maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.

GEORGENo, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.

JERRYIt's a very complicated area.

GEORGEYou can go crazy trying to figure that place out.

JERRYIt's a haaazy mystery.

GEORGEAnyway, I think everything else is okay. Unless of course she's faking.

(Elaine joins them)

ELAINEWho's faking?

GEORGENothing.

ELAINEFaking what?

GEORGENobody's faking.

ELAINEAh! Orgasm?

GEORGEShe's not faking!

ELAINEHow do you know?

GEORGEI know. I can tell. It's one of my powers. Why, did you ever fake?

ELAINEOf course.

JERRYReally?

GEORGEYou faked?

ELAINEOn occasion.

JERRYAnd the guy never knows?

ELAINENo.

JERRYHow can he not know that?

ELAINEBecause I was gooood.

JERRYI guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.

(Jerry and George laugh)

ELAINEYou didn't know.

JERRYWhat?

ELAINEYou didn't know.

JERRYAre you saying...

(George calls a waitress)

GEORGEI think I'll have a piece of cake.

JERRYWith me?

ELAINEWell...

JERRYYou faked with me?

ELAINEYeah.

JERRYYou faked with me?

ELAINEYeah.

JERRYNo.

ELAINEYeah.

JERRYYou faked it?

ELAINEI faked it.

JERRYThat whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

ELAINENot bad huh?

JERRYWhat about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?

ELAINEFake, fake, fake, fake.

JERRYI'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?

ELAINEUuuhm, all the time.

JERRYAll the time?!

GEORGEWe got a chocolate malt in here!

JERRYBut I'm so good.

GEORGEI'm sure you are.

ELAINEJerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.

JERRYShe faked.

(George smiles sarcastically)

JERRYMaybe they've all been faking.

ELAINEI'm sure they're not.

GEORGEMaybe Karin is faking.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer is lighting his cigar on the stove)

KRAMERShe was probably joking.

JERRYNo no, it was no joke.

KRAMERShe didn't have any?

JERRYNo. None.

KRAMERShe faked 'em all.

JERRYFaked 'em all.

KRAMERWell so she faked 'em, so what?

JERRYThe woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.

KRAMERYou know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.

JERRYHow did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it.

KRAMERYeah I could have helped you out.

JERRYWhat could you have done?

KRAMERI could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons body.

JERRYI'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.

KRAMERAaaaah.

JERRYDon't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.

(The phone rings)

KRAMERGiddy-up.

(Jerry picks it up)

JERRYHello... Oh hello Elaine.

ELAINESo we're having dinner tonight?

JERRYI don't know, I'm not really in the mood.

ELAINEWhy? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?

JERRYWhat, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast.

ELAINENooo, the other thing.

JERRYOooh that. Well...

ELAINEOh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.

JERRYYeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?

ELAINEOkay.

JERRYAll right.

ELAINEAll right, see you later.

JERRYBye.

ELAINEBye.

[location: Elaine's office]

(Rene walks passed the office)

ELAINERene, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something: have you ever... you know... faked it?

RENEYeah, sometimes.

ELAINEReally, like when?

RENELike if we went to a Broadway show, if we had really good seats.

ELAINEYeah, well...

RENEWell you know, if it's enough all ready and I just wanna get some sleep.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

JERRYI really don't feel like seeing her.

KRAMERYou know, I faked it.

JERRYWhat?!

KRAMERYeah.

JERRYYou faked it? Why would you do that?

KRAMERWell you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.

JERRYYeah, but why would you...

(Kramer spits out his peach)

JERRYBad peach?

KRAMERIt's terrible!

JERRYDid you get that at Joe's?

KRAMERYeah, of course I got it at Joe's.

JERRYThat's surprising, his fruit is usually the best.

KRAMERYou know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.

JERRYYou're returning used fruit?

KRAMERJerry this peach is sub par.

[location: Joe's]

JOESo what do you want me to do?

KRAMERI want restitution.

JOERestitution? You want restitution? Why should I give you restitution?

KRAMERBecause it's no good.

JOEWhen you put that fruit out, that's where it ends for me.

KRAMERIt's still your fruit, you gotta stand behind your fruit.

JOEI stand behind my fruit.

KRAMERSo...

JOEHey, you got a bad peach? That's an act of God. He makes the peaches. I don't make the peaches, I sell the peaches. You have a problem? You talk to him.

KRAMERYou know this whole place is going vrrrrrrrrrrrrt, downhill. I could have come in here last week with a bad plum but I let it go.

JOEWell let me put a solution for you: do your business elsewhere, I don't want your business.

KRAMEROh now you don't want my business.

JOENo, I don't want your business and from this moment you're banned from the store, you're banned!

KRAMERBut what am I gonna do for fruit?

[location: restaurant]

(Karin starts moaning and lights a cigarette after finishing dinner)

GEORGEYou seem like you really enjoyed your Risotto. You have a very contented air over there. You look very contented, very satisfied. Are you satisfied?

KARINI'm very satisfied.

GEORGEI'm sure if you weren't satisfied you would probably say something wouldn't you?

KARINI probably would. But then again I'm an enigma.

GEORGEHey listen... instead of the movie... maybe we'll go back and... you know...

KARINMaybe.

GEORGESo... you feel okay about that whole thing... what we do in there... generally okay with everything in there?

KARINGenerally.

GEORGEDo you feel the way you feel after the Risotto?

KARINNo, I feel full after the Risotto.

GEORGEYeah... full.

[location: (another) restaurant]

(Elaine starts moaning after finishing dinner)

JERRYSatisfied?

ELAINEHey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?

JERRYMeryl Streep?

ELAINEYou don't like her?

JERRYAh, she's okay.

ELAINEI love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.

JERRYYeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?

ELAINEI really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.

JERRYYeah, yeah, can we get off of this?

ELAINEWhat's the matter?

JERRYNothing.

ELAINEYou're not still thinking about that are you?

JERRYNooo.

ELAINEOh good.

JERRYGive me another shot!

ELAINEWhat?

JERRYAnother shot, I want another shot.

ELAINEYou mean...?

JERRYYes!

ELAINEOooh no, I don't think so.

JERRYCome on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!

ELAINEJerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.

JERRYOh friendship... friendship, shmanship .

ELAINEJerry no, that's important to me.

JERRYWe won't ruin the friendship.

ELAINEYes we will!

JERRYElaine...

ELAINENo Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.

JERRYA half hour, give me a half our.

ELAINENo!

JERRYOkay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!

ELAINENo!

JERRYYou're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?

ELAINEWhat, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.

JERRYThat's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it.

ELAINEThat is so ridiculous.

JERRYCome on, Elaine!

ELAINENo.

JERRYElaine?!

ELAINENo!

[location: Karin's bedroom]

(George indicates that the sex went wrong)

GEORGEIt's Jerry's fault.

KARINJerry?

GEORGEJerry and Elaine. They made me nuts.

KARINOh I don't care, George, really it's all right.

GEORGESo you feel okay?

KARINWell, it's not like after the Risotto.

[location: Jerry's car]

JERRYWell good night.

ELAINEI still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.

JERRYOh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.

ELAINEGoodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).

JERRYOh what, you're upset?

ELAINEYes I'm upset, can't you tell?

JERRYNo I can't, maybe you're faking.

ELAINEI'm really, really sorry I told you that.

JERRYI'm sorry too.

ELAINEWell stop being such a baby.

JERRYYou're a baby!

ELAINEYou're a baby!

[location: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGEIt's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him: 'Please wake up, do something.'

JERRYThey're mysterious little fellows aren't they?

GEORGEI hate 'em!

JERRYYou know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.

GEORGEIt's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMERHey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?

JERRYWhy can't you get it?

KRAMERWell I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.

JERRYWhat happened?

KRAMERWell you know, we had a fight over the peach and... well Joe doesn't want my business.

GEORGEHey, was that a joke about Houdini?

JERRYNo. (And to Kramer:) I told you not to say anything.

KRAMERJerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?

JERRYWell you'll have to go to the supermarket.

KRAMERThe supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!

JERRYOh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?

GEORGEWell if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?

(George leaves the apartment)

(The phone rings, Jerry picks it up)

JERRYHello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I just wanted to ask you a question: when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Okay, bye.

(Jerry hangs up the phone)

JERRYPatty Lawrence had 'em!

KRAMEROkay, I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?

JERRYYeah.

(Jerry makes another call)

JERRYHello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello?

[location: outside Joe's]

JERRYWhy do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

KRAMERAll right now here's the list.

JERRYAll this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?

KRAMERI like mangos.

JERRYAvocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.

KRAMERWell they gotta be soft.

JERRYHow soft?

KRAMERNot too soft. Better too hard than too soft.

JERRYI'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?

KRAMERYeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.

JERRYWell how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?

KRAMEROh! And get some plantains.

JERRYPlantains?

KRAMERYeah.

JERRYWhat the hell is a plantain.

KRAMERIt's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.

JERRYYou're not getting any plantains.

(Jerry enters Joe's)

JERRYHey Joe.

JOEHow is it going?

JERRYGood, just getting some fruit for myself. Gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. I don't know let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... ooo, just right... and three plantains ought to do it.

JOEAll right, all right, just hold it right there.

JERRYWhat?

JOEThis fruit isn't for you.

JERRYWhat, what are you talking about?

JOEYou think I don't know? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!

JERRYI can't buy mangos and plantains?

JOEAll right, get out!

JERRYYou're making a big mistake, Joe!

JOEI'll tell you something else: I don't what your business anymore either.

JERRYYou're saying you're banning me from the store?

JOEThat's exactly what I'm saying.

JERRYI'm banned?!

JOEYou're banned.

[location: Jerry's apartment]

GEORGEAll right, where do you want it?

JERRYPut it over there.

KRAMERYes! Oh look at this, these mangos are beautiful! Oh these are beautiful, you did good George.

(Kramer leaves the apartment)

GEORGEAll right I gotta get going.

JERRYWhat are you doing?

GEORGEI got a date with Karin. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.

JERRYYou're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.

GEORGEI knew this was gonna happen some day. It was inevitable. I've known it ever since I was a little kid. I've been waiting for it.

(Kramer enters the apartment)

KRAMERThis mango is delicious!

GEORGEThat reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.

JERRYSorry, I don't have any cash.

KRAMERI only got hundreds.

GEORGEAll right I knew it.

KRAMERCome on, come on, we're gonna pay you! Here have some mango.

GEORGEI don't want any mango.

KRAMERCome on, take some. It's good.

(George tries a piece)

GEORGEVery good. Juicy. Ripe. This Joe's got some terrific fruit.

(George looks a little weird)

JERRYWhat?

GEORGEI feel like I got a B12 shot. This is like a taste explosion!

KRAMERI told you.

(George stands still)

JERRYWhat is it?

GEORGEI think it moved. Oh my god, I think it moved. Yeah, give me the big piece. I'll see you later.

(Elaine enters the apartment)

ELAINEHi George.

GEORGEI'm back, baby, I'm back!

(George leaves the apartment)

KRAMERWant some mango?

ELAINENo, thanks.

(Kramer leaves the apartment)

JERRYWell well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. What brings you here?

ELAINEJust gonna return some of your things that were in my house.

JERRYOh and I've got some things of yours here.

ELAINEI know.

JERRYWell I'll get them.

ELAINEI'm waiting.

JERRYAll right. You got my fins?

ELAINEYeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?

JERRYI got your poker chips. You got my goggles?

ELAINEThey're next to the fins. You got my cards?

JERRYThey're next to the poker chips.

(They switch bags)

ELAINEAll right and that just about... does it.

JERRYI guess.

ELAINEOkay, well... see you around.

JERRYYeah, see you.

(Elaine opens the door and then closes it again)

ELAINEAll right, let's go, I give you half an hour.

JERRYWhat?

ELAINECome on!

JERRYAre you serious?

ELAINELook, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

JERRYSex... to save the friendship. Well, if we have to...

[location: Karin's bedroom]

KARINOh George, oooh.

GEORGEPlease, it's not necessary.

KARINWhat do you mean it's not necessary?

GEORGEThe little extra moan you threw in there. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?

KARINWhat are you talking about?

GEORGEWhat am I talking about? Come on. You don't think I bought all that?

KARINWhat, what?

GEORGEYou're very good. Very good with the moanings and the gyrations. You really had me going there for a minute.

KARINYou think I was faking?

GEORGECome on: 'Oh George, oh Geeeooorge!' Come on! Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into it.

KARINI'd like you to leave.

GEORGEWhat?

KARINI said, I would like you to leave. Come on, just get your clothes on and get out.

GEORGEBut why?

KARINBecause I said so.

GEORGEI can't find my glasses.

KARINWell hurry up.

GEORGEI need to look for my glasses.

KARINGet out! Get out!! Get out!!!

[location: Jerry's bedroom]

(Elaine is reading a magazine and Jerry is making desperate noises)

JERRYIt's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. He got to me. And that orgasm stuff: orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!

ELAINEYou know I'm a little hungry. You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left?

(Jerry looks like he's got an idea)

[END SHOW