The Beard

[Opening Monologue]

The whole concept of the wanted poster has gotta be the most wildly optimistic

crime-fighting idea. I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post

office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line

behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Okay? It's not that I

don't want to help. You know the annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to

this guy when they're taking his picture? "No, we don't do it that way. We take

their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The

front is his face. The side is him leaving."

At Jerry's apartment.

JerryLook at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.

ElaineI know. I need a lesson.

JerryYou stink. You know you stink. What is this?

ElaineOh. My ballet tickets.

JerryOh. Your ballet tickets.

ElaineHey, have you ever been to the ballet?

JerryNo, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

ElaineYou know, I'm going as a beard.

JerryA beard?

ElaineYeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.

JerryYes.

ElaineSo anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.

JerryWhy are you doing this?

ElaineSwan Lake, at the Met. Kramer enters.

KramerOh, Chinese food. I knew I smelled something.

ElaineHey, is George still wearing that toupee?

JerryYeah.

ElaineDoesn't he know how ridiculous he looks in that thing?

KramerI think he looks fantastic.

ElaineOh, come on.

KramerNo, I never realized what an attractive man he is. George enters, wearing a toupee.

GeorgeHey, people, people, people, people, people. Not bad, huh? Excuse me.

ElaineYou look ridiculous in that thing.

GeorgeIs that so? Or could it be that you're just a *little* bit worried that you may have missed the boat?

ElaineWell I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.

GeorgeHa ha ha ha, oh all right, go ahead, deride, deride if you must. But let me tell you something, with my personality and this set of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

KramerYou know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.

JerryWell what about me?

KramerNo I think he's got you beat buddy.

GeorgeSo she's gorgeous.

KramerOh yeah, last time I saw her she was, five years ago.

GeorgeWell have you got a picture?

KramerNo.

GeorgeWell, I have to see her.

KramerHey, I know what we can do. I've got a friend who works over at the police station. He's a composite artist.

GeorgeReally?

KramerYeah, yeah, maybe I can get him to draw a picture of her for you.

GeorgeOh I would love that. You think he'd really do it?

KramerYeah, yeah. I think he will.

JerryIt sounds like an excellent idea.

KramerHey Jerry, you want this, cause I'm going to give it to a homeless person. Jerry, George, and Kramer walking down the street.

GeorgeWell I'm very excited about this. I've always wanted to see how those sketch artists do it.

KramerHere you go brother. Some food for you.

Homeless manThank you. You're a good man. Bless you.

KramerNow are you going to be here in an hour?

Homeless manWhere am I going?

(commercial)

At the police station.

KramerOh that's good, that's good. Make the eyes, uh, what's that nut?

LouAlmond?

KramerAlmond. Yeah. Make the lips fuller. Poutier.

GeorgePouty? I like that.

JerryYou can't go wrong with pouty.

GeorgeI'm excited about the pouty.

LouAll right I think that about does it.

KramerAll right George, come on, take a look.

GeorgeOh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.

JerryHey, Lou, who's that woman over there?

LouOh, that's Sergeant Tierney. Nice officer. You want to meet her? Walking down the street.

GeorgeWell this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?

JerryYeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side.

KramerHey, man. Enjoy the food?

Homeless manYes I did. Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?

KramerOh, listen, I'll take that Tupperware now.

Homeless manI don't think so.

KramerWoah, woah, that's mine.

Homeless manYou gave it to me.

KramerNo, no, I didn't say you could keep it. You see I don't give away tupperware.

Homeless manYou should have said something.

KramerI didn't think I had to. Look with a piece of Tupperware you just assume. At the ballet.

RobertI've really got to thank you for this.

ElaineWell by now, you think people would be a little more open minded.

RobertReally. Would you excuse me? I have to run to the bathroom.

Boss' wifeSo, um, you and Robert.

ElaineYes indeed.

BossI'm surprised.

ElaineReally. Why?

BossNo reason.

ElaineWell believe me this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a *one* *woman* *man*, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy, he likes his sports, but he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is. Robert comes back.

ElaineOh, hi honey. Elaine grabs Robert and kisses him. At Monk's.

ElaineOh it was such a great night.

JerryAnd did they suspect anything?

ElaineNo, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.

JerryAnd we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

ElaineOh it was such a great night. Oh.

JerryYou said that already.

ElaineOh I did?

JerryYeah.

ElaineOh.

JerryOh no. Don't tell me. You like him?

ElaineHe's incredible.

JerryYeah, but?

ElaineYeah, I know.

JerrySo?

ElaineWhat?

JerryNot conversion. You're thinking conversion?

ElaineWell it did occur to me.

JerryYou think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.

ElaineWhy? Is it irrevocable?

JerryBecause when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.

ElaineWe've got a good team.

JerryYeah, we do. We do have a good team.

ElaineWhy can't he play for us?

JerryThey're only comfortable with *their* equipment.

ElaineWe just got along *so* great.

JerryOf course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.

ElaineNo, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.

JerryYou realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.

ElaineI realize that.

JerryAre you that desperate?

ElaineYes I am. At Jerry's apartment. He is on the phone.

JerrySo are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye. Kramer enters. He goes into the kitchen and starts searching.

JerryWhat are you looking for?

KramerTupperware.

JerrySorry. I don't have any tupperware.

KramerI knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.

JerryWhat about a plastic bag?

KramerYou must be kidding.

JerryWhat is the difference?

KramerThe patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness. George enters.

GeorgeSo I spoke a little to your little friend Denise last night.

KramerOh yeah, you talked to her.

GeorgeYeah for two hours. She's nuts about you.

KramerYeah well we go way back.

GeorgeWhy didn't anything happen between you two?

KramerWho's to say it didn't?

JerrySo did you describe yourself to her over the phone?

GeorgeYes I did.

JerryWhat did you say to her?

GeorgeWhat do you think I said?

JerryI don't know.

GeorgeI told her the truth.

JerryAs you see it?

GeorgeYes, as I see it.

JerryDid you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?

GeorgeWhat hat?

JerryYou know, you're little hair hat there.

GeorgeNo.

JerryDon't you think she could tell?

KramerNo, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.

JerryAre you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

GeorgeYou only think that because you know me.

JerryHave you noticed people staring at your head?

GeorgeI noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.

JerryWell I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.

KramerNo he's not going to take it off. If he was going to go over there bald, I never would have introduced him.

GeorgeLook, I guarantee she won't know.

KramerYeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.

JerryOh, I'll split a cab with you. Walking down the street.

KramerHey I'm really sorry about the other day. Really sorry. Kramer drops something into the man's cup.

Homeless manHey that's my coffee! At the police station

JerryHi Sarge.

TierneyHi, I'm sorry I'm late. Some of our lineup decoys didn't show. Hey any of you guys want to be in the lineup? Make a quick 50 bucks?

KramerSure. I will.

TierneyPerfect. Just go over there with officer Lampert. In the lineup room. 6 men stand there, one of which is Kramer.

Over the speakerAll of you, turn to the left. Everyone turns left. Kramer turns right.

Over the speakerThe left. Kramer turns left.

Over the speakerNow turn to the right. Kramer turns to the right doing a "hokey pokey" dance. At Monk's.

George(thinking to himself) Oh my god, there she is. That's the face, just like the picture.

DeniseGeorge?

GeorgeYeah. Hi. It's great to meet you.

DeniseLikewise. Have you been waiting long?

GeorgeNo, no. I just got here. A few minutes ago.

DeniseGood, good.

GeorgeWell why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile. Camera is on George. Denise takes off her hat. The camera is still on George. His expression changes to surprise. At the police station.

JerryWhat's that?

TierneyA polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.

JerryOh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?

TierneyIf I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place.

JerryReally.

TierneyHave you ever seen the show?

JerryNo.

TierneyYou can admit it Jerry. It's okay.

JerryI admit it. I don't watch it.

TierneyHey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.

JerryThe poly?

TierneyYeah. I think you've seen it.

(commercial)

At Jerry's apartment.

ElaineMelrose Place?

JerryYes. Melrose Place.

ElaineI just didn't know you watched that.

JerryWell I do.

ElaineI mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.

JerryWell maybe I was a little embarrassed.

ElaineYou mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...

JerryAnd Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it.

ElaineWhy? Why were you so embarrassed?

JerryThe point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.

ElaineThat is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?

JerryIt's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.

ElaineSo what are you going to do?

JerryI don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.

ElaineOh, who do you think you are? Castanza?

JerryHey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me? Elaine takes a drink of something.

ElaineOh god this tastes terrible.

JerryDid you shake it up?

ElaineNo.

JerryYou gotta shake it up.

ElaineNo. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything. Jerry picks up the bottle and shakes it gently.

JerryYeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me.

ElaineSo, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.

JerrySo tonight are you going to make the move?

ElaineYeah, I think I might. George enters.

JerryHey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?

GeorgeThat's an interesting question.

JerryHow so?

GeorgeHow so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!

ElaineWhat do you mean bald?

GeorgeWhat do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.

JerryShe's bald?

GeorgeShe's bald.

ElaineOh come on.

GeorgeOh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was (waving his hand over his head) hello. It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

ElaineWell maybe she got a haircut or something.

GeorgeLet me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

JerryWomen go bald?

ElaineYeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig. Kramer enters.

JerryHey.

KramerHey.

GeorgeYou fixed me up with a bald woman. Kramer flinches.

KramerBald?

GeorgeYeah, that's right.

ElaineDo you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.

GeorgeSo?

Elaine(puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!

GeorgeNo I'm not. I *was* bald. Elaine grabs at the toupee, George dodges the grab.

GeorgeElaine. Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.

GeorgeNo, no, no Elaine.

Elaine(shouting) I don't like this thing. And here's what I'm doing with it. She tosses the toupee out the window.

GeorgeNooooo. He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head. Outside. The homeless man is walking down the street and sees the toupee. He puts it on. At Elaine's apartment.

RobertHahaha, why'd you start that fight with me?

ElaineWell I figured that's what couples do.

RobertYou almost convinced me we were a couple.

ElaineWell it was easy. Really.

RobertWell good night, I'll call you tomorrow.

ElaineOh, uh, wait a second. Would you like to come, upstairs?

RobertUpstairs?

ElaineYeah. Upstairs?

RobertElaine...

ElaineI was hoping you know, that you might be interested in... changing teams?

RobertChanging teams?

ElaineHave you ever thought about it?

RobertBut I'm a starting shortstop.

ElaineRobert, we need a shortstop. *Real bad*. At Monk's.

GeorgeI tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

JerryGood to have you back.

GeorgeAnd you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

JerryShe's as good as anybody else.

GeorgeHer scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

JerryYeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

GeorgeGoing to need a little more coffee here.

JerrySo George, how do I beat this lie detector?

GeorgeI'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

JerryCome on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

GeorgeJerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

JerryAll right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

GeorgeJerry, just remember. It's not a lie... if you believe it. Outside on the street. Jerry and Elaine walking toward each other.

ElaineHey, I did it.

JerryWhat?

ElaineI turned him. He defected.

JerryGet out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?

ElaineBecause I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.

JerryElaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said "Too bad he's gay".

ElaineWell it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything's possible. Jeromy, I have *hit* the jackpot. The perfect man. Nothing but sex and shopping. At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup again. He and five other people walk into the room. They stand there for a few moments. Kramer points with his eyes to the man on his left. He then tilts his head a few times to the man on his left. Elsewhere at the police station. Jerry is hooked up to the polygraph.

LouWhat's your name?

JerryJerry Seinfeld.

LouWhat is your address?

Jerry129 West 81st street.

LouDid Kimberly steal Jo's baby?

JerryI don't know. Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper.

LouDid Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?

JerryI don't know. Camera shot on the polygraph. The pen moves back and forth on the paper. Lou and Sergeant Tierney look at each other.

LouDid Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?

JerryI don't know.

LouDid Jane sleep with Michael again?

Jerry(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad. He picks up his coat and leaves. At Jerry's apartment.

JerryHe went back? What do you mean he went back?

ElaineHe went back.

JerryI don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping.

ElaineWell here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.

JerryYou can't. That's why they lose very few players.

ElaineYeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.

JerryWell there's always a place for you, on our team.

ElaineYeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?

JerryYeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.

ElaineOkay. George enters.

JerryHey. Don't worry it hasn't started.

ElaineHey George, I am *really* proud of you. I really do admire what you've done.

GeorgeDo you? That makes me so happy. Elaine's proud of me Jerry.

ElaineWhat is the matter?

GeorgeI got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no *hair*, told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently *baldy* likes a slimmer guy.

KramerWell I'll tell you what I think. I think she saw you with that piece off and was devastated. You blew it boy. You really blew it. And you had to ruin it for him. Didn't you?

ElaineI didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.

JerryAll right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on. Theme song of Melrose Place plays on the TV.

JerryOh that Michael, I hate him, he's just so smug.

(commercial)

At the police station. Kramer is in the lineup.

KramerHey, how you doing Stu? Eddie, my man. You again? Boy, you're a slippery one. You'd better straighten up and fly right buddy boy.

ManI've got an eyewitness to that jewelry store break-in. Come here. Do you recognize anybody in the lineup?

Homeless manThat's the guy officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the, with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

ManHey you, you with the high hair, step forward.

KramerMe?

[END SHOW]