The Doodle

Opening Monologue

Jerry(word missing)....they call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them , y'know what I mean, they're bug realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy here , there's a lotta crumbs not much light, ahmmm they usually sleep through the night, so you'll really have a (?) of the place. Nobody really cares about killing insects, even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like; The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is ( slaps his face)...Ha! Got him , is to boycott these companies.

GeorgeJerry it's funny , Paula and I actually met because of Elaine.

PaulaElaine is in my drawing class at the new school

George..And I went down there one time to see...

Jerry(cuts in) A nude model.

GeorgeIf Elaine wanted to get some coffee.

JerryYou know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing.

GeorgeAre you through?

JerryYeah!

GeorgeSo Anyway, I started to compliment Elaine on her sketches and it turns out,they're Paula's.

PaulaGeorge, I just like to doodle Jerry picks up a pecan that his girlfriend had just masticated.

GeorgeOh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!

JerryWhat?

GeorgeWhat are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth , she just spit them out.

Jerry(spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate?

ShellyWell I didn't know you were gonna eat them?

JerrySoo...

ShellyI'm sorry you find me so repulsive?

JerryNo ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly..

ShellyYeah!

JerryIt's just...

ShellyWell, hem ,if you'll excuse me I think I'll just go to the ladies room.

PaulaI'll join you.

JerryOh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.

GeorgeWell I've done that.

JerryYeah, but with you it's intentional.

GeorgeHaven't you kissed her?

JerryYeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there. George stops a passing busboy

GeorgeExcuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.) Jerry; AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.

GeorgeThis is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.

JerryHey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan.

GeorgeHehummm , Yeah!

JerryThanks.

GeorgeNo problem. The girls return from the ladies room.

ShellyWell Jerry , I guess we should get going .

JerryAh! boy.

GeorgeWell , it was very nice meeting you Shelly and Jerry be careful ,there's a lot of nuts out there. ( to Paula) All right you have everything?

PaulaCan you grab my purse.

GeorgeYeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed. Monks , next day .George showing Jerry the piece of paper he picked up

JerryYeah! So George; Don't you see what this is?

JerryYeah! It's a doodle.

GeorgeYeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted.

JerryOh!.It's an affectionate caricature.

GeorgeI'm grotesque . I look like a troll.

JerryIt's just a drawing.

GeorgeDon't you see what this says? How can you possibly like somebody ,if you think they look like this? Elaine walks in

George(gets up to leave the table) HELLO!!! (angrily)

ElaineWhat is with him?

Jerrythe usual

ElaineSo, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.

JerryGood for you

ElaineYeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there , for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?

JerryOh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room.

ElaineI know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation

JerryWell be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.

Elaine( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.

JerryOh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.

ElaineHey. What's this.?.

JerryDon't ask.

ElaineWhat is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo

JerryNo ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily) George comes back

ElaineIt is..

GeorgeYou enjoying yourself? (More laughs from Elaine)

ElaineSorry.

GeorgeYou see. You see! Listen when is your next drawing class?

ElaineTomorrow .

GeorgeAll right, I want you to do me a favor.

ElaineWhat?

GeorgeI want you to find out is she likes me.

ElaineFind out if likes you?. What, are you in High School?...George come on can't you just talk to her yourself?

GeorgeBut she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me.

JerryYou know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming.... Jerry's apartment

KramerWell, they're in...

JerryWhat's in?

KramerThe MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!

JerryAah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year..

KramerYeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste

JerryNah, I don't wanna

KramerCome on ,Just take a taste

JerryI don't want it..

KramerCome on JUST TASTE!!!

JerryI DON'T WANT IT ....

KramerHE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!

JerryI am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach.

KramerJerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis. Jerry scratches his ankle furiously

Jerry..What is this?

KramerWhat?

JerryYeah! I think I got flea bites.

KramerFlea bites?

JerryLook at this, my ankle's all bitten up.

KramerYou got a dog?

JerryNo.

KramerWell, that is strange.

JerryHow could I have fleas?

KramerDon't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.

JerryWhat did you do about them?

KramerWhat do you mean?... Jerry's parents come through the door.

MortyHey guys . Jerry . Kramer

HelenHi Jerry......What's wrong?

JerryNothing...

HelenJerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?

JerryMom, Dad.....I have fleas.. Elaine's drawing class

ElaineHey Paula!.. I hear you been going out with George Costanza?

PaulaHow did you know??

ElaineEverybody knows. y'know George told me he thinks you're totally cute and everything.

PaulaHe said that?

ElaineHa hum...Do you like George?

PaulaYeaaah! he's cool.

ElaineNo I mean...Do you like him or do you like him like him?

PaulaLike like.. looks aren't important to me ,you know?

TeacherMiss Benes , Are you chewing gum?

Elaine(nods) HumHummmm.... Elaine spits the gum in the waste basket then as the teacher turns around she makes a throwing up motion at Paula . Later at jerry's

KarlYep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands. jerry: I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.

KarlI don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.

JerryI don't understand this..

KarlI 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.

JerryNobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town.

KarlWell , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff, it's in the truck.

JerryOkay.. Elaine comes in

ElaineHi....??? Jerry; Bug guy.

ElaineWhy do you have a bug guy?

JerryI have fleas.

ElaineArgh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas?

JerryI don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet?

ElaineNo....Oh No....

JerryCome on,c'mon

ElaineNo, No...

Jerryc'mon ,c'mon....

ElaineNo, No...

Jerryc'mon, c'mon....

ElaineNo, No....Yesss!!!!!!

JerryYes!!! Door buzzer

JerryYes!!!

Georgeyeah!

ElaineWell what about you. Where you gonna stay?

JerryI dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident.

ElaineHey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.

JerryYeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em.

ElaineYeah that's just some stuff about the company.

GeorgeHum..( to Elaine) Hey! did you talk to Paula?

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeSo what did she say?

ElaineShe...likes you..

GeorgeShe said she liked me. No kiddin' she said that?

ElaineYa!

GeorgeThose were her exact words, I like George.

ElaineYep!

GeorgeHa Haaaaaaa... Jerry how do you like that.You see I get myself in a dizzy, I'm all worked up and for what?

ElaineFor nothing..

Georgeha Ha..

ElaineIn fact she said that looks aren't even that important to her...

GeorgeYou see.....WHAT!!

ElaineAh Oh!!

GeorgeShe said looks aren't important to her?

ElaineWell..hum...let me rephrase that, She said....

GeorgeShe thinks I'm ugly. I knew it. Jerry; You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.

George.....So what's your point?

JerryI dunno...

ElaineOkay.. The point , George, is she likes you.

GeorgeOh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching? jerry: That'd be the fleas. At the Plaza Hotel

JerryHey!!!

MortyHey! I do you like this? Huh, huh!

HelenOh! my god, Morty lets go, this is too nice.

MortyHey! This is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey! look , Macadamian nuts.

HelenMacadamian nuts?

MortyHey! You know what these cost, they're like 80 cents a nut. Helen; Jerry, are you sure this all right?

JerryYeah! it's all taken care of.

Morty( from the other room) Hey!!! They got a phone in the john here. Outside Elaine's building

ElaineJudy . judy: Hey!!!!.

ElaineHi, Thank you so much for recommending me to Viking Press .

JudyIt is my pleasure , just make sure you give that manuscript a good read.

ElaineManuscript?

JudyYeah. I'm sure they Fedexed you a manuscript. They want to see that you can read an unpublished work and give insightful criticism.

ElaineOooh!!

JudyRead it twice if you have to. This is a big step in your career.

ElaineYeah! hmmm..I gotta go..

JudyHey! What about lunch?

Elaine(she leaves hurriedly) I gotta gooo... Catches up with Jerry on the street.

ElaineThank god I found you..

JerryOh! Hey!

ElaineYou still got that Fedex?

JerryYeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated.

ElaineNo I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place) Jerry's place . There is a sign on the door that says "Fumigation Do not enter"

JerryYou see?

ElaineJerry , I need that Fedex right now..

JerryI told you to take it.

ElaineWell, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read...

JerryWell, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there. Kramer comes out of the apartment.

KramerI left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.

JerryKramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.

KramerToxic gas!!!

JerryAw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes.

KramerAn hour and a half!!! I was reading a manuscript, I just couldn't put it down.

ElaineMy manuscript?

JerryHow do you feel?

KramerNow that you mention it , a little woozy.

ElaineKramer You got go back in there grab my manuscript.

KramerI'm not going back in there!!

Elaineall right then, where is it??

KramerI left it on the coffee table or somethin'

JerryWell wh..wh.what are you doing?

ElaineI'm going in .

JerryDidn't you see the sign on the door?

KramerWell I thought it was so your parents wouldn't walk in while you're with a girl. Elaine breathes heavily does the sign of the cross and enters. She goes to the coffee table then looks underneath the couch and finishes by his desk then the dinner table. She runs out of air so she has to rush out.

Elaine( Heavy Panting) It's not on any table, Kramer. Where is it?

KramerWell I don't know . I was in the bathroom , the kitchen...

ElaineOkay... bathroom....kitchen.

JerryCan you get me a soda? Elaine goes back in

KramerJerry, I had some milk, I made a sandwich. I got to get out of the building. Elaine searches the kitchen , then the couch cushions and gives up.

Elaine(again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?

JerryI don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.

ElaineI 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't....

JerryWait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?

ElaineYeah!

JerryLet me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! I've got him. Newman's door . Jerry knocks

JerryNewman . Open the door, Newman, I know you're in there.

NewmanHello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.

JerryThere's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it..

NewmanFleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...

JerryOh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around)

NewmanSo , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squaller.(?)

JerryYou know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back.....

Newman(Cannot take this torture anymore) Baaaaaaaaarrhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm ripped with fleas ( scratches furiously) Plaza Hotel, Morty is getting a massage.

MortyOh! Oh! That feels good. Hey! This guy charges a hundred bucks an hour but I'm telling ya he's worth every penny OOOOHH!

HelenI'm next.

MortyHey! Leo, get this, four movies at once; Pay Per View.

LeoI love these nuts.

NanaThis Champagne's gone flat. ( throws her glass over her shoulder)

HelenNana!!!

NanaHe Ha Ha Ha...Let the chambermaid clean it up On the street in front of a flower shop

GeorgeHello..

PaulaWhat's the matter?...

GeorgeWell I spoke to Elaine...

PaulaHey! Look , no shave.

GeorgeNo...Why should that make any difference to you?

PaulaIt doesn't..

GeorgeOf course not. You don't care what I look like.

PaulaThat's right I don't.

GeorgeI suppose I could just pull this out ( his tucked shirt)and walk around like this and you wouldn't care?

PaulaNot a wit.

GeorgeHu humm? i suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I'd be wearing sneakers and jeans and that would be fine too.

PaulaYou can wear sweatpants.

GeorgeI could..

Paula(seductively) You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care.

GeorgeVelvet... Monks

ElaineDid you read the whole thing?

KramerOh! yeah.

ElaineHuh . So What's it about?

KramerWell it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust and...unbridled enthusiasm.

Elaineunbridled enthusiasm...?

KramerWell , that's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

ElaineOh! boy.

KramerYou see Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy. You might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.

ElaineOh! my God.

Kramerah! Here we go.

Elaine(to the waitress) can I have a scotch on the rocks.

KramerMay I..( pointing her food)

Elaine(feeling sick) Yeah! go ahead.

Kramerwhat is this?

ElaineWhat? What are you doin'? ( Kramer salting her food)

KramerI can't taste this.

ElaineWhat are you talking about?

KramerThis food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused) At Shelley's

JerryHey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here.

ShelleyWell, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

Jerry( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..

ShelleyWhat's the matter?

JerryI forgot my toothbrush.

ShelleyOh! no problem.....You can use mine.

JerryYours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later.

ShelleyBrush now.

Jerry(long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush) Kramer and Newman who is coming out of the market eating a peach.

KramerNewman ,Let me have a bite of your Macanaw..

NewmanWhat for, you got your own.

KramerCome on ,c'mon i need to taste it. ( takes his peach).....Nothin' , Can't even taste a Macanaw.

Newman( resumes eating) Well that's a shame.

KramerWaited all year and I can't even taste it..

NewmanYou can't taste 'em . Why waste 'em . Why not give them all to me. At Viking Press.

ElaineIt's a story about love , deception ,greed , lust and.... unbridled enthusiasm .

MandelUnbridled enthusiasm.

ElaineYeah!..tha..that's right. that That's what led to...(throath clearing) Billy Mumphrey's downfall.

Mandelhmmm...interesting take. So you believe, has he not been so enthusiastic he could have adverted disaster.

ElaineYes...Ye..Yes..That's right...You see ,Billy Mumphrey was a simple country boy. Some might say a cockeyed optimist, who got caught up in the dirty game of world diplomacy and International intrigue.

MandelSo.. It was more a question of attitude than politics..

ElaineYes, yes Mr. Mandel. Plaza Hotel

MortyHey! Under Siege is on again. Whose up for it?

LeoNo more nuts. Awrghh..... Monks. George walks in wearing velvet.

JerryOh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!

GeorgeIt's the real deal.

JerryShe's seen you in this thing.

GeorgeThat's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over.

JerryAnd now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

GeorgeHe he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.

JerryAhh! She threw me out.

GeorgeWhy?

JerryI wouldn't use her toothbrush.

GeorgeSo where are you staying?

JerryWell I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog. At Viking again.

MandelThree hours of massage time , twelve in-room movies including several adult features, five shoe shines and four hundred dolars worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.

ElaineMr Mandel, you don't understand ...my my friend had fleas. I ran into the gas , it could have killed me, and my, my other friend couldn't taste his peaches ,they only good for two weeks.

MandelI think , you've read, one too many, Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day Miss Benes.

ElaineOkay...Good day.. Monks again.George comes in eating a Macanaw peach.

PaulaHi George.

George( mouth full) Hi, this is fantastic ( puts the pit in the a plate)D'you ever had a Macanaw peach?

PaulaOh! yeah I love those.

GeorgeToo bad , it's all done. Paula takes the pit and puts it in her mouth. George stares in disbelief , then disgust. Kramer is about to lick an envelope he is about to send.

Kramerya....Yes!....Yes! it's back I can taste again. ( to a passerby) Hey! What's the date today?

PasserbyThe fifteenth.

KramerFifteenth , Yes last day for the Macanaws. I can still make it. Wait.. Newman...

NewmanSorry , last one . Would you want to suck the pit?

Kramer( fake laugh ) Look Hubert. It's the mailman. You remember the mailman don't you.

( unleashes a dog)

Dog proceeds to chase after Newman

Finally at The Plaza Hotel

Elaine( knocks) Hello is anybody here?..

LeoThey said they were sending an Asian woman.

ElaineOh! my God.

[END SHOW]