The Diplomat's Club

Opening monologue

What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...

Jerry's apartment, Jerry is talking on the phone

JerryWhat time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)

ElaineIs that the supermodel?

JerryYep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours.

ElaineI thought you had a show in Ithaca.

JerryI do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport.

ElaineWell, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.

JerrySo that's it? You know I never even met the guy.

ElaineI've had enough. I am marchin' in.

JerryYou're marchin' in.

ElaineI'm marchin'. (Enter George)

GeorgeHey.

JerryHey. Elaine's quitting.

GeorgeReally?

ElaineI'm marchin' in.

GeorgeI've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.

JerryHow 'bout the march out?

GeorgeNot as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.

ElaineThis is it. Wish me luck.

JerryGet a march goin'! March it! (She exits)

GeorgeJerry, I need to borrow your camera.

JerryWhy?

GeorgeWell, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.

JerryWhat for?

GeorgeThey're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.

JerryIsn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?

GeorgeIt better be. Mr. Pitt's office, Elaine enters and Mr. Pitt is sitting at his desk.

ElaineMr. Pitt, I have something to tell you.

PittOne second Elaine.

ElaineMr. Pitt...

PittElaine, you know what I just did? I just amended my will to include you as a beneficiary.

ElaineWhat?

PittWell, I think of you as part of my family. You've come to be like a daughter to me and I want to make sure you're taken care of after I'm gone.

Elaine(Flattered) Mr. Pitt...

Pitt(Sneezes) Elaine, I feel a cold coming on. Could you get me a cold pill from the medicine cabinet?

ElaineOh no no, Mr. Pitt, you mustn't. You have to check with the pharmacy before you combine anything with your heart medicine,

PittYes, yes, I'll check with the pharmacist.

ElaineWe don't want anything to happen to you Mr. Pitt. We want you to live a long, long time. At the Yankee's office

George(Holding camera) Look at this, I only have one picture left... How 'bout a shot of me and Mr. Morgan?

MorganWhy?

GeorgeWhy? Because we're a team! C'mon! Would you take this for us, dear? Thank you very much. Here we go... (To Morgan) Anyone ever tell you you look a lot like Sugar Ray Leonard? Yeah, you must get that all the time.

MorganI suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

GeorgeNo, not a racial thing, there really is a resemblance...

[Jerry and George at Monk's]

JerryMaybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.

GeorgeA little? Come on.

JerryWell, you still shouldn't have said it.

GeorgeYou think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?

JerryMaybe.

GeorgeBoy, that is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was in Long Island.

JerryYou'd have marched on Great Neck?

GeorgeAbsolutely. I still might. I always hated those girls. They would never date me.

[ Kramer arrives at Monk's]

KramerHey.

JerryHey, there you are.

KramerSo you ready?

GeorgeFor what?

JerryHe's taking me to the airport. But we've got a few minutes.

KramerOh, yeah. What? You got no luggage?

JerryThis is it. I'm only going for the day. I just gotta drop by the drugstore and pick up a toothbrush.

KramerOkay.

GeorgeHey, Kramer. Who does that look like?

KramerI don't know.

GeorgeCome on, come on. Not salt, but...?

KramerWhat, Pepper Johnson?

GeorgeNo. Sugar Ray Leonard.

KramerOh, no way.

GeorgeAll right, I'll tell you what. I'll bet you the next three people I ask... two of them will say Sugar Ray.

KramerHow much? $ 100? $200? $ 1000?

JerryHey wait a second, what are you doing? You're not betting.You know he's not supposed to bet.

KramerCome on, Jerry, it's a lock.

JerryKramer, you've had this thing under control for almost three years now. Don't start again.

KramerBut it's a lock, Jerry!

JerryNo!

JerryWhat're you doing about Morgan?

GeorgeYou know what would be great? If he could see me with some of my black friends.

JerryYeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.

[ Cuts to Joe's apartment building where George buzzes Joe. ]

JoeYes?

GeorgeHello, Joe?

JoeWho is this?

GeorgeIt's me. George Costanza.

JoeWho?

GeorgeRemember I was here a while back? Breakfast at Tiffany's together?

JoeWhat do you want?

GeorgeWell, I've rented another video, Joe. And there's some popcorn. I thought we could do it again.

JoeGo away.

[ Joe's daughter Remy enters the entrance hall ]

GeorgeRemy. Hi.

RemyYou?!? What are you doing here?

GeorgeWell, I got another Audrey Hepburn movie.

JoeRemy, is that you?

RemyDaddy, that man is here again.

JoeRemy, I want you up here instantly.

GeorgeYou know, Remy, I was thinking. Last time we were together, you...

[ Remy slams the door shut ]

[ Kramer and Jerry are at the drugstore. ]

JerryThat's great. You know what? Leave it. Just pull the car around front.

KramerYou sure?

JerryYeah. I'll take care of it. Just throw that in there, would you?

Mr. PittExcuse me. I take heart medication. What would you recommend for a runny nose?

JerryTake an antihistamine.They're over there.

Mr. PittIt's all right to take?

JerryYeah, they're great.

Mr. PittWhat about appetite suppressants?

JerryI just saw them. Oh, here. Here you go.

Mr. PittThank you, young man.

JerryHave a good day, sir. [ Jerry and Kramer are at the Diplomat's Club at the La Guardia Airport ]

KramerThis is your swanky Diplomat's Club.

JerryI don't see Katie anywhere.

KramerWhat's this, a fellow club member?

JerryNo, she's this woman who's booking me on these college tours. She thinks I'm some big celebrity that has to be pampered and explained every little thing.

KramerYeah. I'm gonna get some snacks before my flight.

KatieJerry.

JerryOh, hi, Katie.

KatieYou found the airport all right?

JerryYes, I followed the planes.

KatieI see you're having coffee. Just so you know, they also have decaf as well. Along with a selection of cocktails and soft...

JerryThanks. Thanks for telling me. [Cuts to Mr. Pitt's apartment. Mr. Pitt is lying in his bed being attended by a doctor ]

ElaineWhat's going on?

WomenI'm Lenore Walker, Mr. Pitt's estate lawyer. I arrived to discuss his will and found Justin had collapsed on the floor.

ElaineOh my God.

WomanWho are you?

PittThis is the girl I want to put in my will. Elaine...

ManPlease, rest Mr. Pitt.

WomanYou're the assistant? Why weren't you taking care of him?

ElaineWell, he gave me the morning off, I was doing a little... shopping. How did this happen?

ManTook a very dangerous combination: prescription heart medicine and these other pills.

ElaineMr. Pitt, you were s'posed to talk with the pharmacist.

PittI spoke to someone who worked there.

ElaineI'm gonna go and call that pharmacist. (She exits)

WomanHow well do you know her? Jerry and Katie sitting in the plane

KatieJerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-

JerryYes, I know. I've flown before.

KatieOh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?

JerryNo.

Katie(Pause) Because even if you have (Jerry gets up to go) to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off. Airport, Kramer and a man sitting

KramerHey, how you doin'?

EarlPretty good.

KramerName's Kramer.

EarlEarl Hafler, nice to meet you. I'm headed to Houston, where you headed?

KramerOh I'm happy right here. Isn't this place amazing? Planes flying in from all corners of the world, and they know the minute they're arriving.

EarlAh they don't know a darn thing. That's why my flight the Houston's been delayed. They're all morons. Matter of fact, I'll bet you that that flight to Pittsburgh takes off before my flight to Houston.

KramerBet? Um, not betting.

EarlFriendly wager.

KramerI haven't made a bet in three years, I-

EarlAh c'mon. Keep things interesting, pass the time.

KramerOkay, how much?

EarlHow 'bout 200?

KramerYou're on, cowboy! On street, George and another man pick up newspaper

GeorgeHow ya doin'?

ManOkay.

GeorgeNice day today.

ManWhat?

GeorgeI'm George. George Costanza, you live around here? Man gets newspaper and leaves At the airport...

IntercomNow arriving at gate 12...

EarlThis could be Mexico City.

KramerC'mon Seattle, let's go.

EarlCome on, Mexico City!

KramerSeattle, yeah!

Intercom...flight 42 from Mexico City.

KramerAll right, c'mon, let's go again. At Mr. Pitt's...

ElaineMr. Pitt, do you need anything?

PittNo.

ElaineYou need something to sit up. Why don't I get you a pillow?

PittOkay. Elaine goes to get pillow, walks back to Pitt slowly. Ms. Walker enters looking scared. Elaine waves. Backstage at Comedy Club in Ithaca

KatieIt's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week.

JerryI don't care.

KatieBy the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.

JerryWho?

KatieRemember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show.

JerryI don't care, why are you telling me this?

KatieI just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.

JerryWhy would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...

Off stageLadies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)

JerryHey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I.. George walking down street. He sees a man and tries to help him with groceries. Man walks away. Comedy club

KatieIt didn't go very well, did it?

JerryNo, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out.

KatieI knew it.

JerryIf you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.

KatieWhy did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.

JerryOh, it doesn't matter now.

KatieDon't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.

JerryYeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom! Airport...

EarlWell, Mr. Kramer, looks like you're in the hole $3200... Will that be cash or check?

KramerAll right, look, one more bet. Double or nothing. C'mon.

EarlAll right, but I wanna see some cash on the table.

KramerAll right, let me call my bank. You stay here. (He calls)

NHello?

KramerYeah, it's, uh, me.

NHey, what's up?

KramerAll right, listen. I need some cash.

NWhat for?

KramerI just need it, that's all.

NOh no. Don't tell me. You're gambling again, aren't you? Oh you weak, weak man. Where are you?

KramerI'm at the airport.

NThe airport?

KramerWe've been betting on arrivals and departures. (Newman rolls eyes) But I'm down $3200 , so you've gotta get me some cash.

NI don't have that kinda dough.

KramerSure you do.

NOh no, no, not the bag!

KramerOh help me man, I'm desperate!

NAll right, all right. Airplane...

IntercomSorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...

Jerry(To Katie) What is the complication?

Flisht AttendantMr. Seinfeld?

JerryYes?

FAI'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.

JerryWhat?

FAApparently, he has some sort of problem with you.

KatieI'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.

JerryI didn't care.

FAWell, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.

JerryHe can't just throw me off the plane!

FAYes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.

JerryBut I'm not a disturbance!

FAWell, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.

JerryBut someone is waiting for me!

KatieJerry, I don't want you to freak out.

JerryI'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out! Airport in Ithaca

KatieThere's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want?

JerryWhich one do you think I want?

KatieThe eight will get you in a little earlier.

JerryThen we'll make it the eight.

KatieI'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]

JerryHotel?

KatieYeah, it's eight in the morning.

JerryNo, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.

KatieMid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?

JerryI don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?

KatieOkay, you're a big celebrity. (She exits) Jerry calls George

GeorgeYo.

JerryGeorge.

GeorgeHey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?

JerryI'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club...

GeorgeHey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?

JerryCarl, I think.

GeorgeCarl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.

JerryYeah, he was nice.

GeorgeWhat company was it?

JerryDefent.

GeorgeYeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...

JerryYou need an exterminator?

GeorgeNo, not really.

JerryOh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?

GeorgeGotta go.

JerryGeorge, George! Mr. Pitt's, Jerry is on the phone with Ms. Walker

JerryHello, this is Jerry Seinfeld. Is Elaine there?

WomanHold on... Elaine, there's a Jerry Seinfeld on the phone for you.

ElaineHello?

JerryElaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late.

ElaineThat's at the airport, right?

JerryRight, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out.

ElaineAll right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.

JerryI am a little freaked out!

ElaineCalm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)

JerryAll right, but you have to go now.

ElaineI said I'll take care of it! Newman arrives at the airport with a bag

NKramer.

KramerHey.

NOkay, here it is.

KramerGood. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.

EarlSo it's a mailbag, so what?

NSo what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?

Earl(Reading) David Berkowitz.

NSon of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.

EarlWhere did you get this?

NI took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.

EarlAny of 'em talk to you?

NJust to tell me to keep off the snacks!

Earl(To Kramer) Your buddy's a helluva guy.

KramerYeah, don't I know it.

EarlOkay, Cosmo, we're back in business. Let's check out the board. Now, who do you like?

KramerAll right, how 'bout Ithaca vs. Boston?

EarlAll right, I'll give you a sportin' chance. I'll take Ithaca.

KramerDouble or nothin'.

EarlDouble or nothin'.

NI hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence) In rental car... Katie is driving and Jerry is asleep

Jerry(Wakes up) Where are we?

KatieI'm not sure.

JerryIs this even a road?

KatieOh we lost the road a half hour ago.

JerryWhat? Why didn't you wake me up?

KatieYou told me not to bother you with minor details.

JerryNo, road is a major detail!

KatieOkay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?

Jerry(Pointing ahead) Look out! At George's office, Carl enters

GeorgeMay I help you?

CarlI'm the exterminator.

GeorgeOh, yes of course, come in.

CarlWhy didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?

GeorgeYes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Carl, right?

CarlDo I know you?

GeorgeYeah, sure, we met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment. When you fumigated for fleas over there.

CarlSeinfeld... Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?

GeorgeJerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hand on... (To phone) Is Mr. Morgan in?

PhoneMr. Morgan left for dinner.

GeorgeHe left... huh... Carl, you hungry? Mr. Pitt's. Pitt is in bed with Ms. Walker standing beside him. The T.V. is on.

TVHere's a new twist on car pooling: Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.

JerryThat's it! No more questions! I don't care!

PittThat's him! That's the man who gave me the pills in the drug store! He's no pharmacist.

WomanJerry Seinfeld... I know that name. He called here earlier for Elaine. (She looks at Mr. Pitt) At the restaurant, George and Carl enter. They see Mr. Morgan.

George(To Carl) Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Carl.

CarlI'm the exterminator. (Morgan confused)

GeorgeThat's... what we used to call him in high school, the exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, did we have some wild times. Airport, Kramer is smoking a cigar

EarlWell, that Newman was your good luck charm.

KramerYeah, he was.

EarlI should have quitted at double or nothin'. Travelers checks acceptable?

KramerOh I accept.

N(Talking to another man) ...yeah he worked in the cubicle right next to me. We once double dated.

KramerYeah, it's a pleasure doin' business with a gentleman like yourself. (Elaine enters)

ElaineKramer.

KramerOh hi Elaine. What are you doing here?

ElaineJerry asked me to meet his girlfriend here. Did you here about his plane in Ithaca?

EarlWhat about the plane in Ithaca?

ElaineOh, our stupid friend freaked out the pilot. Single handedly delayed the plane a whole hour. Can you believe that?

KramerBoy...

EarlYour friend caused the delay?

ElaineUh huh.

EarlYou're a cheat! Nobody hustles Earl Hafler.

KramerC'mon!

EarlSee you around, Cosmo.

KramerWhat? Mr. Pitt's...

ElainePoison you? Jerry Seinfeld tried to poison you? Wha? Mr. Pitt, what are you, delirious? He's never even met you!

PittYou're fired, Elaine. Goodbye.

ElaineGoodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt) Airport, Jerry enters

JerryBridget!

BridgetJerry, what happened?

JerryOh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together.

BridgetWell, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.

JerryReally? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot! Restaurant

GeorgeI love this place. You know, Carl and I come here all the time.

MorganIs that right?

CarlYeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat problems in the kitchen.

Morgan(George spits out food) I thought so. You really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. (He leaves)

GeorgeCheck, please.

WaiterHey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.

GeorgeMr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!

[END SHOW]