The Wink

[Elaine's bedroom - phone rings]

ELAINEHello

JAMESThis is your wake up service. It's 7:15

ELAINEOh, god. OH, I could use a few more hours sleep.

JAMESHot date last night?

ELAINEI wish.

JAMESA woman with a sexy voice like yours its hard to believe your waking up alone.

ELAINEReally? Thank you., wake up service . . . person.

JAMESCall me James.

ELAINEOh, all right, James. He he he

[Monks]

GEORGEYour wake up guy asked you out?

ELAINEYeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,

JERRYI don't know. Blind date?

ELAINEWhat? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.

JERRYYeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

ELAINEAt least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

JERRYI think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.

ELAINEAh, . . .

GEORGENow you're off on a topic.

JERRYYou know, I think, I would rather date the deaf.

ELAINEUh hu.

JERRYBecause I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.

GEORGEYou see I disagree. I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

ELAINEI think she'd figure it out.

[waitress places plates on the table]

ELAINEWhat? What is this?

JERRYVeggie sandwich and a grapefruit.

ELAINEVeggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?

JERRYA healthy person.

GEORGE[ rubbing his eye] Ow, Ow you squirted me.

JERRYOh, sorry

GEORGEBoy, it stings.

[Yankee Stadium]

WILHELMGeorge, have you seen Morgan?

GEORGENo.

WILHELMHe's been coming in late all week. Is there something wrong?

GEORGENo, not that I know of. (winks)

WILHELMReally? Make sure he signs this. Oh, look George, if there's a problem with Morgan you can tell me.

GEORGEMorgan? No. He's doing a great job. (winks)

WILHELMI understand.

[Jerry's apartment]

JERRYI still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.

ELAINEI'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.

JERRYYou're going by sound? What are we? Whales?

ELAINEI think I can tell.

JERRYElaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?

ELAINETwenty-five percent.

JERRYTwenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot.

ELAINEYou're way off.

JERRYWay off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

ELAINESo what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

JERRYUNDATEABLE!

ELAINEThen how are all these people getting together?

JERRYAlcohol.

ELAINE(to George who is winking) What is your problem?

GEORGENo problem here.

ELAINEYou keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.

GEORGEI had no idea.

ELAINERight there. Right there. You just did it again.

GEORGEWait a minute. Wait a minute. It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.

ELAINEYou're eye still hurts?

GEORGEYeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.

JERRYPulp couldn't make it across the table.

GEORGEPulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?

JERRYHey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.

GEORGEWait a minute. I must have been winking down at the office. That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so mysteriouso.

ELAINEWhat did he think, you were flirtin' with him?

GEORGEHu, oh. No he thought I was hiding something from him about Morgan.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERHi guys.

JERRYHi,

KRAMERHello Archie, Veronica, Mr. Weatherbee. . . . Is this Don Matingly's signature?

GEORGEYeah.

KRAMERAnd Buck Showalter's?

GEORGEIt's an inter-office envelope. It get passed around all over the office.

KRAMERUm, can I show this to my buddy Stubbs . He runs a sports memorabilia store. He pays top dollar for pro autographs.

GEORGEYeah, like I'm going to risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks. (winks)

KRAMERNo, of course not. (winks back)

[Sports Memorabilia Shop]

KRAMERYou know, you see Don Matingly signed this envelope then he sent it to room 318, where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.

STEINBRENNERI don't know. An envelope doesn't really cut it.

KRAMERWhy?

STEINBRENNERWhat is this? A birthday card. Ha ha . . . signed by the ENTIRE Yankee organization! . . . This could be worth something.

[Yankee Stadium]

GEORGEIs that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?

MMHello.

MORGANOh, by the way, have you got that birthday card?

GEORGEBirthday card?

MORGANMr. Steinbrenner's birthday card. Wilhem said you had it for me to sign.

GEORGEOh ah, I uh, will have that for you by after lunch.

MORGANFine. I'll be back after my massage.

GEORGEOf course. Your massage. (winks) Enjoy your massage. (winks)

[Monk's - Elaine sitting alone]

ELAINEHello.

JamesElaine?

ELAINEJames! Ah, ha, Hello! Phew!

[Old Homestead Steak House]

HOLLYI can't believe you've never taken anybody here before.

JERRYWell, I'm not really that much of a meat eater.

HOLLY. . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . .

JERRYWell, no, I'm not one of those.

HOLLYWhen we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here.

JERRYGrandma Memma?

HOLLYElaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.

JERRYNo, I think I would have remembered Memma.

HOLLYOh well, that's typical. Elaine never liked Grandma Memma.

WAITERReady?

HOLLYI'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream,

JERRYWhat do you recommend besides the steak?

WAITERThe lamb chops are good.

JERRYAnything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?

WAITERIt's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.

JERRYYou know what? I think I'll just have the salad.

WAITER. . . Thank you.

JERRY(mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?

[Outside of Monk's - James unties his dogs]

JAMESHey you, hey you.

ELAINEOh, uh, ha, you've got dogs?

JAMESYeah, you know, when you live alone, you're dogs are all you have. Do you like dogs?

ELAINE(mind's voice from - … ) SHUT UP! YOU STUPID LITTLE MUT !

ELAINEDogs. Oh I love dogs.

JAMESBoys, this is Elaine. . . . Sorry, they're usually very friendly. Hey!

[Yankee Stadium]

GEORGEHey, Mr. Morgan how was your massage?

MORGANI had to cancel it. For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage.

GEORGEReally?

MORGANYeah, we had this big fight at lunch it looks like tonight I will be sleeping on the couch.

GEORGEHey, listen don't oversleep. You can't afford to be late again.

MORGANI know. Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression that I have been slacking off.

GEORGEGeez, Hey you know something, you should try my friend's wake up service. She swears by this thing.

MORGANCostanza, you may be my only friend around here. By the way, you got that birthday card?

GEORGEAh, not yet.

MORGANJust make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it.

GEORGEYes sir!

[Jerry's apartment]

ELAINEI just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.

JERRYMaybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly?

ELAINEHuh huh.

JERRYDid she mention anything about our lunch?

ELAINEUh, kind of.

JERRYWhat do you mean, "kind of."?

ELAINEI mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man.

JERRYWhat are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.

ELAINEYou got that right.

JERRYBut you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?

ELAINEUm uh.

JERRYWhat is she making?

ELAINEI don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.

JERRYOh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery.

[Kramer's door - George knocks]

KRAMERAh, Mr. Weatherbee.

GEORGEYou got the Yankee envelope?

KRAMERSure do.

GEORGEoh,

KRAMERHere you go.

GEORGEHey, he,

KRAMERYou'll be pleased to see what's inside.

GEORGEWhat is this?

KRAMERYou're cut of the loot. Stubs gave me 200 dollars for the autographed birthday card that was inside.

GEORGEWho told you to sell the card?

KRAMERYou did.

GEORGENo I didn't!

KRAMERNo, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding. (winks)

GEORGEI was not winking you idiot. That was the grapefruit. It's like acid. I need that card back. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's. I was responsible.

KRAMERWell Stubs has already sold it to some guy who's kid's in the hospital .

GEORGEWell get it back! It's very important. (winks)

KRAMERLook, do you want me to get it back or not?

GEORGE(holds eyes wide open) Get it back!

[Holly's apartment]

ELAINESuch a lovely table setting. Oh, wear did you get these napkins?

HOLLYThey're grandma Memma's.

ELAINEOh, I don't remember them.

HOLLYOh, you wouldn't. She only used them on special occasions.

ELAINESpecial occassions? It wasn't special when my family visited?

HOLLYEverybody like mutton?

JERRYUm, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

[Hospital room]

KRAMERThat you Bobby? BOBBY:

KRAMERWell, I heard that you have a very uh, special birthday card .with all the Yankee autographs on it.

BOBBYSure do. Mister.

KRAMEROh, that's it, yeah. Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, uh, what if I told you a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back.

BOBBYOh, no. I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.

KRAMERWell, uh, Bobby, uh, who's your favorite Yankee.

BOBBYPaul O'Neill.

KRAMERAll right. What if I tell Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow, just for you.

BOBBYWould he? Paul O'Neill would do that?

KRAMERFor you he would.

BOBBYWould he hit two home runs?

KRAMERTwo? Sure kid, yeah. But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.

BOBBYI know. Get out of this bed one day and walk again.

KRAMERYeah, that would be nice. But I really just need this card.

[Holly's apartment]

ELAINEWhat about this candelabra?

HOLLYYeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad.

JERRYHey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton.

HOLLYThat is so funny. Did you just make that up?

JERRYI wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket)

HOLLYThat was in Grandma's study.

ELAINEWhat did you do, ransack the place after she died?

JERRYThis is some FINE mutton.

ELAINEI'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket?

JERRYUh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back)

ELAINEIt's cold out, and I didn't bring my own. Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly. It might have belonged to grandma Memma. Thanks for mutton.

[On the street - dogs following Elaine]

ELAINEDown boy, nice doggy . I'm a nice person. Don't believe what you hear.

[Holly's]

HOLLYWhere are the napkins?

JERRYWhat?

HOLLYGrandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she?

JERRYI don't know about that. Have you got any floss?

HOLLYYou heard her. She coveted them. I bet she took them just to spite me. She's probably having a good laugh about it right now.

[On the street dogs chasing Elaine]

ELAINEDown doggy . oh oh a a a a a

[Jame's apartment]

JERRYElaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

ELAINEDid you do with the dogs?

JERRYYeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on?

ELAINEThese dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.

JERRYWhy were dogs chasing you?

ELAINEThey just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now.

JERRYI would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.

ELAINEWe'll have to sleep head to toe.

JERRYHead to toe?

ELAINEHead to toe.

[The next morning at Jame's]

ELAINEHey, wake up. It's 8:30 you were supposed to walk me up at 7:15.

JERRYI'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face.

ELAINEYou're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make?

JERRYI'll make them later. Uh.

[Mr. Morgan's - he's asleep on the couch]

[Yankee Stadium - George's office]

WILHELMHave you seen Morgan?

GEORGEHe's not here?

WILHELMNo, He's late.

GEORGEIt's impossible. I got him a wake up service.

WILHELMNow, George, you don't have to cover for him any more. He's going to be gone soon and I'm going to recommend you for his job.

GEORGE. . . gone?

[Monk's]

JERRYIt sounds like all the winking got you a promotion.

GEORGEI don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do. Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.

ELAINENah, he was tired. He had some feet in his face. My cousin Holly is completely insane. She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.

GEORGENapkins?

ELAINEI mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins.

JERRYBecause they were in the pockets of my jacket.

ELAINEThey were?

JERRYYes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.

ELAINESpit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that mutton. I was almost mauled because of that mutton.

GEORGEWhat exactly is mutton?

JERRYI don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket?

ELAINEOh, I must have left it at Jame's

JERRYYou spent the night at James's? Did we?

ELAINEYeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.

JERRYReversed positions?

ELAINEYeah, you know, head to toe.

JERRYSo what your genitals are still lined up.

ELAINENo, because I slept with my back to him.

[long pause - no comment from the guys]

[Yankee Stadium]

KRAMERMr. O'Neill?

O'NEILLYeah.

KRAMERYeah, uh, look, you don't know me.

O'NEILLI can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something.

KRAMERNo, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.

O'NEILLSure, I could help you there.

KRAMERSure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.

O'NEILLSay what?

KRAMERYou know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.

O'NEILLYou promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?

KRAMERYeah, well, no good?

O'NEILLYeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?

KRAMERTwo is better than one.

O'NEILLThat, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.

KRAMERWell, Babe Ruth did it.

O'NEILLHe did not.

KRAMEROh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?

O'NEILLI'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.

KRAMERWell, maybe I did overextend myself.

O'NEILLHow the heck did you get in here anyway?

[James's]

JAMES(on phone) Oh, hi Elaine. You know I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you. . . . Yeah, well why did you have to stick your feet in my face? . . . Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on. . . . (to dogs) Fellas!

[Hospital]

TVThe Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon.

KRAMERIt's hot in here. Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?

BOBBYAfter Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.

[Jerry's]

HOLLY(from buzzer) It's Holly.

JERRYYeah. Come on up.

TVAnd the two and one pitch to O'Neill. A towering shot back to deep right field and it's gone.

[Hospital]

KRAMERYeah.

TVA home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead one nothing.

KRAMEROH YEAH! ALL RIGHT!

BOBBYOne more to go.

[Jerry's]

[Holly enters]

JERRYHey. What's all this?

HOLLYI decided I was going to make you dinner.

JERRYI thought we were going out.

HOLLYWell, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you.

JERRYFranco?

HOLLYYour butcher, down the street.

JERRYI bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.

HOLLYA little.

JERRYThat is so Franco.

[Hospital]

TVBottom of the eighth, score tied at one apiece. Two and one to Paul O'Neill.

KRAMERYou know Bobby, it's very very hard to hit two home runs in one game. Even for Paul O'Neill.

KRAMERHe can do it, Mr. Kramer. I know he can. He'll do it for me.

TV"Klick! Long fly ball into deep left field over Bell's head . . . O'Neill's rounding second O'Neill going for third, O'Neill rounding . . .

KRAMERCome on Come on!

TV. . . third being waived in.

KRAMERGO! GO!!

TV. . . Martinez throws it over Alomar's head. O'Neill is safe at home. And the Yankees take the lead.

KRAMERAn In The Park Home Run!

BOBBYYeay!

KRAMERAll Right! Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way (grabs framed card)

TVThat's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez.

BOBBYHey, …

KRAMERHuh?

BOBBY… that's not a home run. (grabs frame)

KRAMERYeah, maybe not technically, but …

BOBBYYou said he'd hit two home runs.

KRAMEROh, come on. Bobby, Bobby! That's just as good!

BOBBYWell, you're not taking that card.

KRAMERNow, Bobby, Bobby, we had a deal . . . gimme that …

[Jerry's]

HOLLYSo, is the chop the way you like it?

JERRYI usually like mine with an angioplasty.

[stuffs meat in sofa]

[Elaine enters]

ELAINEYou know something really stinks to high h… Holly! What are you doing here?

JERRYWhat everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops.

ELAINEI'm uh, I'm meeting James here. He's bringing over your jacket.

HOLLYWhat about the napkins?

ELAINEI didn't take your napkins.

HOLLYThen who did?

ELAINEAsk Jerry.

JERRYWe could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.

[George's office, Yankee Stadium]

WILHELMI still want to know what happened to that birthday card? Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it?

MORGANNo sir, George never gave it to me.

GEORGENo, that's right, I didn't. I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I, uh, . . .

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERHi,

WILHELMWhat's this?

KRAMEROh, it's a birthday card.

KRAMER(to George) Oh, by the way, tomorrow night, Paull O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

WILHELMGeorge, this is beautiful. Why didn't you tell me you were going to have it mounted like this?

KRAMERAnd you were probably just going to stick it in an envelope.

WILHELMHa ha ha ha ha, George, keep up the good work.

MORGANHa ha, uh, well you screwed me again, Costanza. How am I supposed to sign the card now when it's already under glass?

[Jerry's]

[James enters with his dogs]

ELAINEUh, this is,…

HOLLYExcuse me. What are those dogs wearing?

JAMESOh, bandanas, aren't they cute?

HOLLYYou gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!

JERRYHey, what happened to my jacket?

JAMESOh, the dogs did that but it wasn't their fault, somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pocket.

HOLLYWas it mutton?

JAMESCould have been.

HOLLYDo you always stuff meat in your pocket?

[Dogs climbing on sofa]

JERRYUh, sometimes I use the sofa.

[Steinbrenner's office]

[George enters]

GEORGEYou wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?

STEINBRENNERYes, George, please, come in, come in.

STEINBRENNERThanks for the card. I loved it. Gosh it made me feel good. You know, word has it that you were the brains behind the whole thing.

GEORGEOh, no, not just me, the whole organization. Especially Mr. Morgan.

STEINBRENNERMorgan, Morgan, you know his name is conspicuously absent from this card. Almost like he went out of his way not to sign it.

GEORGEOh no, Morgan is a good man sir.

STEINBRENNERYou can stop kowtowing to Morgan. Congratulations, you got his job.

GEORGEWa, uh, thank you sir, you know I am not quite sure I'm right for it.

STEINBRENNERStop it George, he's out, you're in.

STEINBRENNERA lot more work you know.

GEORGEI know.

STEINBRENNERA lot more responsibility. Long long hours.

GEORGEI know.

STEINBRENNERNot much more money. But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.

GEORGEThat's what I'm afraid of. You know Mr. Steinbrenner, . . .

STEINBRENNERYou know as painfull as it is I had to let a few people go over the years. Yogi Berra, Lou Pinella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin, Dallas Green, Dick Houser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin, Scott Marrow, Billy Martin, Bob Lemmon, Billy Martin, Gene Michael, Buck Showalter, … uh, tut!, . . .George, you didn't hear that from me. [George exits] . . . George!

[END SHOW]