The Soup Nazi

GEORGEAll right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.

JERRYWhich one you wanna go to shmoopy?

SHEILAYou called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.

JERRYYou're a shmoopy!

SHEILAYou're a shmoopy!

JERRYYou're a shmoopy!

GEORGEAll right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater.

JERRYUh,..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place?

SHEILANo. You have a good lunch. But I'll meet you back here for the movie.

GEORGEHey.

ELAINEHey.

SHEILAHi Elaine.

ELAINEHi Sheila.

JERRYAll right, then. I'll see you later.

SHEILABye shmoopy.

JERRYBye shmoopy.

ELAINEOkay. We ready to go?

GEORGEYes. Please. Please, let's go.

ELAINEBoy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.

JERRYNo. We gotta go to the soup place.

ELAINEWhat soup place?

GEORGEOh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there.

JERRYHe's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned.

ELAINEStunned by soup?

JERRYYou can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle.

ELAINEHuh. All right. Come on.

JERRYThere's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi.

ELAINEWhy? What happens if you don't order right?

JERRYHe yells and you don't get your soup.

ELAINEWhat?

JERRYJust follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine.

GEORGEAll right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again.

JERRYAll right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right.

ELAINEWhat?

JERRYThe main thing is to keep the line moving.

GEORGEAll right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive.

JERRYRight. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.

ELAINEOh, boy, I'm really scared!

JERRYElaine.

ELAINEAll right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire.

JERRYAr-moire.

ELAINEHow much is this?

FURNITURE GUYI was asking 250, but you got a nice face. 2 even.

ELAINEHuh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things.

JERRYHe gave you the nice face discount.

ELAINEYeah. All right. You guys go ahead.

JERRYWhat about the soup?

ELAINEI'm getting an armoire, Jerry.

JERRY[in French accent] Pardon.

GEORGEThis line is huge.

JERRYIt's like this all the time.

GEORGEIsn't that that Bania guy?

JERRYOh, no. It is. Just be still.

GEORGEWhoop! Too late. I think he picked up the scent.

BANIAHey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup.

JERRYHard to believe.

BANIAThis guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi.

JERRYShhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line.

BANIAWhy not?

JERRYBecause if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again.

BANIAOkay. Okay.

GEORGEMedium turkey chili.

JERRYMedium crab bisque.

GEORGEI didn't get any bread.

JERRYJust forget it. Let it go.

GEORGEUm, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.

SOUP NAZIBread -- $2 extra.

GEORGE$2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.

SOUP NAZIYou want bread?

GEORGEYes, please.

SOUP NAZI$3!

GEORGEWhat?

SOUP NAZINo soup for you! [snaps fingers]

[cahsier takes George's soup and gives him back his money]

ELAINEWhat do you mean I can't bring in here? I live here.

SUPERIts Sunday, Elaine. There's no moving on Sunday. That's the rule.

ELAINEBut I didn't know, Tom. I g -- can't you just make an exception? Please. I've got a nice face.

SUPERTomorrow, okay? You can move it in tommorrow. I'll even give you a hand, all right?

ELAINEOhh! Well, you're just gonna have to hold this for me.

FURNITURE GUYI'm a guy on the sidewalk. I don't have layaway.

ELAINEOh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away.

JERRYOh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it?

GEORGEYou know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any?

JERRYI gave you a taste. What do you want?

GEORGEWhy can't we share?

JERRYI told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you!

GEORGEDo you hear yourself?

JERRYI'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.

GEORGEWell, I gotta go back there and try again. Hi Sheila.

SHEILAHi. Hi shmoopy.

JERRYHi shmoopy.

SHEILANo, you're a shmoopy!

JERRYYou're a shmoopy!

GEORGEI'm going.

JERRYHey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight?

GEORGEYou know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so.

JERRYWhy?

GEORGEI just don't feel like it anymore.

JERRYJust like that?

GEORGEJust like that.

SHEILABoy, he's a weird guy, isn't he?

KRAMERHey.

JERRYHey.

KRAMER[taking Jerry's couch cushion] Yeah.

JERRYHey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing?

KRAMERYeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.

JERRYWell, sit on one of your couch cushions.

KRAMERYeah, but this is so nice and thick. Ahoy there!

ELAINEOh, Kramer! Thank God. I really appreciate you doing this.

KRAMERYeah. Well, you ask for it, you got it.

ELAINEDo you need anything?

KRAMERWell, a bowl of muligatawny would hit the spot.

ELAINEMulligatawny?

KRAMERYeah. It's an Indian soup. It's simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.

ELAINEOh! Who? The Soup Nazi?

KRAMERHe's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

ELAINEAll right. I'll be back.

KRAMERWait a second. You don't even know how to order.

ELAINEOh, no. No. No. No. I got it.

KRAMERNo. No, Elaine!

ELAINEHey, I got it. Hey. Didn't you already get soup?

GEORGENo. I didn't get it.

ELAINEWhy? What happened?

GEORGEI made a mistake.

ELAINE[laughing]

GEORGEAll right. Well, we'll see what happens to you.

ELAINEYeah. No. Listen, George, I am quite certain I'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup.

GEORGEYeah. Hey, let ask you something. Is it just me, or - or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl?

ELAINEOh, I know! It is awful!

GEORGEWhy do they have to do that in front of people?

ELAINEI don't know.

GEORGEWhat is that with the shmoopy?

ELAINEOhh!

GEORGEThe shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmmopy, shmoopy!

ELAINEOhh! Stop it! I know.

GEORGEI had to listen to a five minute discussion on which one is actually called shmoopy.

ELAINEUgh!

GEORGEAnd I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them tonight.

ELAINEYou know, we should say something.

GEORGEYou know, we absolutely should.

ELAINEI mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a huge turnoff that is?

GEORGEI don't know. He can be so weird sometimes.

ELAINEYeah.

GEORGEI still haven't figured him out.

ELAINENo. Me neither.

GEORGEAll right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode.

ELAINEOh, God!

GEORGEGood afternoon. One large crab bisque to go. Bread. Beautiful.

SOUP NAZIYou're pushing your luck little man.

GEORGESorry. Thank you.

ELAINEHi there. Um, uh -- [drumming on countertop] Oh! Oh! Oh! One mulligatawny and, um.... what is that right there? Is that lima bean?

SOUP NAZIYes.

ELAINENever been a big fan. [coughing] Um..you know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, " Scent Of A Woman." Who-ah! Who-ah!

SOUP NAZIVery good. Very good.

ELAINEWell, I --

SOUP NAZIYou know something?

ELAINEHmmm?

SOUP NAZINo soup for you!

ELAINEWhat?

SOUP NAZICome back one year! Next!

RAYLook at this.

BOBIt's an antique.

RAYIt's all hand made and I love the in-lay.

BOBYes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there.

KRAMERWait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?

BOBWhat does it look like we're doing? We're taking this.

KRAMERYou can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.

BOBLook, you wanna get hurt?

KRAMERHuh?

BOBI don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off.

RAYBob.

BOBJust pick it up.

KRAMERWhat is this, huh?

BOBYou have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?

ELAINEI mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination! I'm gonna call the states' attorney office. I really am.

GEORGEOh, this is fabulous. My God Elaine, you have to taste this.

ELAINEAll right. All right. Give me a tsate. Mmm! Oh God, I gotta sit down. What happened? Where's my armoire?

KRAMERWell, b -- it was stolen.

ELAINEWha--?

KRAMERThese street toughs, they robbed me.

ELAINEStreet toughs took my armoire?

KRAMERYeah. It was very frightening. My life was in danger. You should've seen the way they talked to me.

ELAINEI can't believe this!

KRAMERWell, where's the soup?

ELAINEWha -- the Soup Nazi threw me out.

KRAMEROh...yeah!

JERRYWhat are you gonna get?

SHEILAI'll decide at the last minute.

JERRYYou better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila!

[Soup Nazi pounding on countertop]

JERRYUh-oh.

SOUP NAZIHey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line!

SHEILAI can kiss anywhere I want to.

SOUP NAZIYou just cost yourself a soup!

SHEILAHow dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry?

JERRYDo I know you?

ELAINESo, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?

JERRYIt was a bisque.

ELAINEYeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.

JERRYReally?

ELAINEYeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.

JERRYHave you tastes the soup?

ELAINEYeah. All right. You made the right decision.

JERRYSee, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.

JERRYHey.

KRAMERYeah.

ELAINEHey.

KRAMERYeah.

JERRYOh, thanks.

ELAINEThere he is.

KRAMERElaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.

ELAINEYeah. I know. Me, too.

JERRYSo, did these thieves want any money?

KRAMERNo.

JERRYThey just wanted the armoire?

KRAMERYeah. They were..quite taken with it.

[interom buzzes]

JERRYYeah?

GEORGEHup! Hup!

JERRYHey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?

ELAINENo. In what way?

JERRYI don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something.

ELAINEI don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody.

GEORGEHello.

JERRYHello.

KRAMERHey.

GEORGEHello.

ELAINEHello.

GEORGEWere you just talking about me? What's going on?

JERRYAbsolutely not.

GEORGESomething's going on here.

KRAMERAll right, [claps hands] I'm gonna go get some soup.

ELAINEOne of these days that guy is gonna get his.

GEORGESo, how was the movie?

JERRYAw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs.

GEORGEOh, yeah?

JERRYYeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?

GEORGEHappy? Why should I be happy?

JERRYI don't know, but you look like you're happy.

GEORGEWhy should I care?

JERRYYou can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy.

GEORGEAll right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine?

[Elaine sneaks out of Jerry's apartment]

JERRYIs that so?

GEORGEYeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!

JERRYDisgusting?

GEORGEPeople who do that should be arrested.

JERRYWell, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her.

GEORGEYe - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.

JERRYWhat?

GEORGEYou shook my hand in that coffee shop.

JERRYYou're still with the pact?

GEORGEMmm-hmm. You reneged.

JERRYAll I did was shake your hand.

GEORGEAh-ha!

KRAMERAnd then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that.

SOUP NAZIOhh! This city.

NEWMANOne large jambalaya, please.

SOUP NAZISo, continue.

KRAMERWell, my friend is awful disappointed is all. You know, she's very emotional.

NEWMANThank you. [inhaling deeply] Jambalaya!

SOUP NAZIAll right, now listen to me. You have been a good friend. I have an armoire in my basement. If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it. So, take it, it's yours.

KRAMERHow can I possibly thank you?

SOUP NAZIYou are the only one who understands me.

KRAMERYou suffer for your soup.

SOUP NAZIYes. That is right.

KRAMERYou demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.

SOUP NAZIHow can I tolerate any less from my customer?

CUSTOMERUh, gazpacho, por favor.

SOUP NAZIPor favor?

CUSTOMERUm, I'm part Spanish.

SOUP NAZIAdios muchacho!

KRAMERGit.

JERRYIt was stupid of me.

SHEILAWell, it was very insulting.

JERRYNo. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding.

SHEILAWell, behind every joke there's some truth.

JERRYWhat about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says " Aw, I'll just have some coffee." There's no truth to that.

SHEILAWell, I guess you're right.

JERRYSo, am I forgiven, shmoopy?

SHEILAYes, shmoopy.

JERRYAw!

SUSANHey, Jerry!

JERRYOh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila.

GEORGEOh, yes. Hello.

SHEILAHello. Won't you join us?

GEORGENo, thanks.

SUSANOf course.

GEORGEYes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?

JERRYYeah. That's right. You got a problem?

GEORGEI, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty.

JERRYWell, we're changing the rules.

GEORGEAhh. Good for you.

SUSANAw, what are you getting George?

GEORGEI don't know, honey. What do you want to get? [in babying voice] I want you to get anything you want...'cause I love you so much. I want you to be happy. Okay, sweetie?

SUSANOh, George, you're so sweet.

GEORGEWell, I could be a little sweetie tweetie weetie weetie.

SUSANAww!

JERRYWhat about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy?

SHEILAYeah.

JERRYYum yum little tuna fishy?

GEORGECome here. [George & Susan begin making out; Jerry & Sheila begin making out in order to keep up]

KRAMERAnd..voila!

ELAINE[gasps]

KRAMERYeah.

ELAINEOh! Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it!

KRAMERYeah. Did the K Man do it or did the K Man do it?

ELAINEThe K Man did it!

KRAMERYeah!

ELAINE[laughing] How much did you pay for this thing?

KRAMERHow 'bout zero?

ELAINEWhat?

KRAMERYeah.

ELAINEWhat? Who's was it? Where'd you get it?

KRAMERI'll tell ya where I got it. I got it from the guy you so callously refer to as the Soup Nazi.

ELAINEGet out! [Elaine pushes on Kramer's chest, causing in to fall backwards through her swinging door]

ELAINEThe Soup Nazi gave it to you?

KRAMERYeah.

ELAINEWhy?

KRAMERWell, I told him the whole story and he just let me have it. Wha -- Yeah. He's a wonderful man.

ELAINE[gasps]

KRAMERYeah. Well, a little bit misunderstood but, uh....

ELAINEWell, I'm just gonna go down there and personally thank him. I mean, I had this guy all wrong. This is wonderful!

KRAMERYeah. Well, he's a dear.

GEORGEHow much tip do you leave on $8.15?

SUSANYou know sweetie, I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all. Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things is such a great step forward in our relationship.

GEORGEHuh?

SUSAN[in babying voice] Because you love your little kiki don't you?

CUSTOMERHow is he today?

BANIAI think he's in a good mood.

ELAINEHi. You know, Kramer gave me the armoire and it is so beautiful. I'm mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

SOUP NAZIYou? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!

JERRYI'm heading over to Elaine's.

KRAMEROh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.

JERRYThose two?

KRAMERYeah.

JERRYAre you sure?

KRAMERYeah. That's them.

JERRYWell, let's confront 'em.

KRAMERNo. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.

JERRYThere's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on.

KRAMERNo!

JERRYLet's go.

BOBOh, wow look, that one is gorgeous. I would just kill for that one.

RAYOh, not in blue. Blue does not go with all.

BOBOh, please. Do you know what you're talking about? Because I don't think you know what you're talking about. Take a look at that.

KRAMERExcuse me.

RAYAre you talking to me?

KRAMERUh, well, uh, we --

RAYI said, are you talking to me?

BOBWell, maybe, he was talking to me. Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us. So what is it? Who?! Who was you talking to?!

KRAMERWell, wha -- I, uh -- uh, we were kind of, uh, talking to each other, weren't we?

[Jerry & Kramer turn around and run away]

ELAINEI mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that?

JERRYI don't know. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..."

ELAINELet me see this. [gasps] You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup, and look at this. There are like thirty different recipes. These are his recipes!

JERYSo?

ELAINESo? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.

JERRYWait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going?

ELAINEWhat do you care?

JERRYElaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup.

ELAINEGet out of my way, Jerry.

JERRYElaine, let the man make his soup!

ELAINEDon't make me hurt you, Jerry.

SUSANLook, they have it in blue...for my baby bluey. Are you my baby bluey?

GEORGEOh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.

JERRYWell. Well.

SUSANHi, Jerry.

JERRYHey, Susan, George.

SUSANYou know, I really like Sheila a lot.

JERRYOh, really?

SUSANMmm-hmm.

JERRYBecause we're kind of not seeing each other anymore.

SUSANOh, no! That's too bad.

JERRYYeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection.

GEORGEReally?

JERRYYeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that.

SUSANMmm-hmm.

GEORGEYou did?

JERRYOh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya.

GEORGEYeah. See ya.

SOUP NAZIGo on! Leave! Get out!

WOMANBut I didn't do anything.

SOUP NAZINext!

ELAINEHello.

SOUP NAZIYou. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.

ELAINEI don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery."

SOUP NAZIThat is my recipe for wild mushroom.

ELAINEYeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny.

SOUP NAZIMulliga...tawny?

ELAINEYou're through Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!

NEWMAN[panting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

JERRYWhat is it?

NEWMANSomething's happened with the Soup Nazi!

JERRYWha - wha - what's the matter?

NEWMANElaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more soup for any of us!

JERRYWell, where are you going?

NEWMANHe's giving away what's left! I gotta go home and get a big pot!

[END SHOW]