The Abstinence

Jerry and George are sitting outside.

GeorgeSay you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.

JerryWhy are we flyin' over the Andes?

GeorgeWe got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?

JerryKramer.

GeorgeSo fast? What about me?

JerryNo.

GeorgeKramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.

JerryKramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.

GeorgeWell I would eat you.

JerryThat's very nice, I guess.

GeorgeI still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.

JerryLook, if other people are having some, I'll try you.

GeorgeThank you.

JerryCan I have a piece of that?

GeorgeNo. % George and girlfriend Louise are at his apartment.

LouiseGeorge, I can't have sex.

GeorgeWith me or in general?

LouiseI went to the doctor today. I have mono.

GeorgeNucleosis.

LouiseOh I hope it's not a problem for you.

GeorgeNo, no, pff...

LouiseHow long is this not gonna be a problem for me? % Jerry's apartment...

JerrySix weeks?

GeorgeYeah, six weeks.

JerryWell, so what? you've gone six weeks before.

GeorgeI can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.

JerryWell, so, are you gonna break up with her?

GeorgeI don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.

JerryWhat guys?

GeorgeLike us. (Elaine enters)

JerryYeah.

GeorgeSo it's just mono.

ElaineMono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.

JerryI thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.

ElaineNo, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.

JerryIsn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk.

GeorgeNo something is bunk and then you debunk it.

JerryWhat?

ElaineHuh?

GeorgeI think. (Pause as they all look down)

ElaineLook it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)

JerryHello?

KatieJerry.

JerryOh hi, Katie.

KatieListen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.

JerryI've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high.

KatieOkay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry.

JerryYes, all right, Katie.

KatieSorry for the late notice.

JerryYes, bye.

KatieYou're the-- (He hangs up)

GeorgeThey asked you to do career day?

JerryYeah, it's no big deal.

GeorgeOh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series.

JerryAnd you were integral. % Edward R. Murrow Junior High School, Jerry is waiting outside classroom. Teacher enters hall.

TeacherJerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.

JerryI'm on next, right?

TeacherWell, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...

JerryThe guy with the lizard.

TeacherYes. Well, he started feedin' it crickets, and the children just love him. And we're outta time. % Hear kids from the classroom all say "Eww!"

TeacherSo can you come back tomorrow?

JerryI'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day? % Elaine and Ben eating at a restaurant.

ElaineSo do most doctors like ER or do you guys just think it's fake?

BenI couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor.

ElaineOh, yeah. And I'm not really attracted to you.

BenWell, I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school, but I still have to pass my licensing exam.

ElaineWhen do you take this exam?

BenI've taken it. Three times. I almost passed the last one.

ElaineWell, you're basically a doctor. Right? I mean, people do call you doctor.

BenWell, um...

ElaineWell, can I introduce you as doctor?

BenYeah.

ElaineAll right, that's all I wanted to know. % George and Louise sitting on his couch. He touches her leg.

LouiseMono. (George removes hand) % Jerry and George at Monk's.

GeorgeIt was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.

JerrySo you're enjoying the not enjoying.

Georgeyou know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.

JerryI'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)

KramerHey, buddy. How was career day?

JerryAh, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.

GeorgeYou got bumped from career day?

JerryIt was a mix-up, I'm sure.

KramerThey're trying to screw with your head.

JerryNow why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?

KramerWhy does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know. % Kramer lights cigar.

GeorgeHey, hey. Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.

KramerNo, come on. (Larry the cook comes over)

LarryTake it outside.

KramerCome on, Larry. You know me.

LarryIt bothers people, and it's against the law.

JerryYou can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people. % Outside Monk's, Kramer sees man smoking.

KramerWhat, did they kick you out too?

ManYeah, they kicked us all out. % At Jerry's junior high school, Jerry is outside classroom with teacher.

TeacherThanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker?

JerryNo, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about?

TeacherFire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!

JerryBut I was promised this slot.

TeacherSingle file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line) % At Jerry's apartment, George is sitting on couch, watching Jeopardy and playing with a Rubik's cube while Jerry is talking to him.

JerryFire drill, can you believe that?

GeorgeWhat is Pericles?

Alex TrebekPericles is correct.

JerryLike fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)

KramerHey, you got any matches?

JerryMiddle drawer.

GeorgeWho is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

Alex TrebekWe were looking for 'Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'

KramerThanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)

JerryHello?

KatieJerry.

JerryOh hi, Katie.

KatieI heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.

JerryOh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.

GeorgeWhat is Borax?

Alex TrebekYes, you're right.

KatieThey bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls. (Kramer enters)

KramerAshtrays?

JerryNo, I don't have any ashtrays.

KramerOoh, cereal bowls.

KatieJerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.

JerryNo, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)

KramerAll right, thanks. (Kramer leaves)

GeorgeWhat is Tungsten or Wolfram?

Alex TrebekWe were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.

JerryIs this a repeat?

GeorgeNo, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.

JerryLouise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.

GeorgeYou think?

JerryYeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)

GeorgeOh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see ya. (He throws finished Rubik's cube to Jerry and he exits. Kramer enters)

KramerNeed some more matches.

JerryWhat is goin' on in there?

KramerI met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.

JerryWhy?

KramerWell somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.

JerryIt doesn't?

KramerJerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.

Jerrywhy not?

KramerWell you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

JerryAll right.

KramerYeah. % Elaine and Ben are at Monk's.

ElaineSo when they're handing you those cadavers, do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?

BenI dunno. Dead bodies really gross me out. (Sue Ellen Mischke enters with a man)

ElaineOh my God.

BenWhat's wrong?

ElaineIt's Sue Ellen Mischke, this old braless friend I hate. (Elaine tries to cover her face)

Sue EllenElaine? Hi.

ElaineOh hi, Sue Ellen.

Sue EllenOh Rick, this is an old, old, friend of mine, Elaine Benes. Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.

ElaineWell, this is my boyfriend, doctor Ben Gelfen.

BenWell, I'm an intern.

ElaineHey, stop kidding me. He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.

WomanCarlitto's just passed out. Can anyone help?

ElaineWell, there's a doctor right here.

BenNo there's not.

ElaineCan't you at least tell him what to do?

BenLike what?

Sue EllenShouldn't he elevate his legs?

BenRight. Elevate your legs! % Elaine is giving Larry the cook flowers.

ElaineI hope Carlitto feels better. Ben really wishes he could've helped.

LarryI thought he was a doctor.

ElaineOh he is. Kind of. I mean, I call him doctor. (She walks away and sees George sitting down reading books) George. (He holds up his hand to signal her to wait a second.)

GeorgeOf course. Absolute zero!

ElaineWhat? What is with all these books?

GeorgeI stopped having sex. % Outside of Kramer and Jerry's apartments. A bunch of people are in the hall, which is filled with smoke.

KramerAll right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey.

JerryHey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?

KramerOh yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves. You know, they come in once, it's like they're addicted. (Katie enters)

KatieJerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone.

JerryI was out.

KatieOh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.

JerryAn assembly?

KatieTwo hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--

JerryI understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?

KatieAnd, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James.

JerrySuperfreak?

KatieYes. % Elaine is sitting on her couch with Ben.

ElaineWhat is your answer to number 74?

BenMedobolic acidosis.

ElaineNo! Hypocalimia, not medibolic acidosis. Duh!

BenMan, I'm never gonna pass this thing.

ElaineOh yes you are. We'll just stop having sex. % George and Yankees Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams are at the ballpark.

GeorgeGuys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It's not complicated.

JeterNow who are you again?

GeorgeGeorge Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

WilliamsAre you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

GeorgeDo you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

JeterWe won the World Series.

GeorgeIn six games. % Elaine, Jerry, and George sitting at Monk's Cafe.

Jerry...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you.

GeorgeNine minutes.

JerryHow am I gonna fill two hours?

GeorgeHello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.

JerryAnd give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table)

WaitressMore coffee?

GeorgeExcuse me, darling, do I detect a Portuguese accent?

WaitressSi

GeorgeDas kaffes un salat e grand por favor.

WaitressMute pragalas senor

GeorgeEh, don't mention it.

ElainePortuguese?

GeorgeYeah, my cleaning lady's Portuguese. I must've picked it up.

ElaineHow come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?

JerryAre you all right?

ElaineI don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good.

JerryWait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.

ElaineWhat? What are you talking about?

JerryTo a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.

ElaineI don't understand.

JerryExactly. % Jerry's apartment. Kramer enters smoking.

KramerHey buddy.

JerryHey.

KramerHey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.

JerryWhat? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.

KramerWhat? % Kramer checks it out.

KramerMy face is all craggly, it's crinkly.

JerryIt's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?

KramerEmphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.

JerryAnd your teeth, your teeth are all brown.

KramerLook away, I'm hideous. % Kramer exits. Cut to Elaine's.

ElaineHey, Ben. I need a four letter word. Winnie the blank.

BPooh!

ElainePooh...(laughing)

BNo, it's Winnie the Pooh. % George's apartment. George is looking through a microscope.

LouiseSo the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know. % Monk's

JerrySo what did you do?

GeorgeI told her I would have to think about it.

JerryBut ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?

GeorgeI don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.

JerryYou mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances.

GeorgeSimple joke from a simple man.

JerrySo you're never gonna have sex again?

GeorgeWell, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.

JerrySo you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?

GeorgeOh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.

JerryI wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks. % Jackie Chiles is on the phone in his office.

JackieMy vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm plannin' on going to Kofu. % Kramer enters.

JackieOh no. % Jackie hangs up phone.

KramerJackie we gotta talk.

JackieNo way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.

KramerBut Jackie--

JackieI said out.

KramerJackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.

JackieThe who?

KramerThe tobacco companies.

JackieI've been wanting a piece of them for years. % Cut to Elaine being mesmerized by a rotating tire. % Back to Chiles' office.

JackieDid that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?

KramerNo, it didn't say anything.

JackieSo you're a victim. Now your face is shallow, unattractive, disgusting.

KramerSo Jackie, do you think we gotta case?

JackieYour face is my case. % Elaine enters Jerry's apartment.

JerryHow ya doin'?

ElaineNot good. I'm a moron.

JerryWell, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.

ElaineWell, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes?

JerryWhat for? Oh come on.

ElaineI just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.

JerryI think it has something to do with me.

ElaineYou could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.

Jerry(thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird.

ElaineOh, all right. Is Kramer home? % George and Louise sit at Monk's while George is doing all sorts of scientific experiments and such.

GeorgeYou know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry--

LouiseGeorge, I have to have sex.

GeorgeI used to share that same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.

LouiseGoodbye, George. I hate you. (She leaves)

GeorgeWhat a fascinating turn of events. (Waitress approaches)

WaitressMais Cafe?

GeorgeAh. Sim, por favor. % Kramer, and Jackie begin to discuss their to tobacco representative, Ms. Wilkie.

JackieMiss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.

KramerWho could love me?

WilkieI disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.

JackieRugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.

WilkieAll right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. (She exits)

KramerBye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.

JackieYou better believe it. Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement. % Elaine's...

ElaineCongratulations! You passed!

BenElaine, Elaine. I don't think we should see each other anymore.

ElaineWhat? you're breaking up with me? But I sacrificed and supported you while you struggled. What about my dream of dating a doctor?

BenI'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.

ElaineLook it, are we going to have sex, or not? % Backstage at the junior high's auditorium.

KatieOkay, Jerry, now when the glee club's finished singing, George goes on, then you. (George enters)

GeorgeHey.

JerryWhere have you been? You know, you're on next.

GeorgeI got lost on the way over.

JerryGot lost? We went to school here for three years.

GeorgeWhat are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.

JerryOh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!

GeorgeNo, the Portuguese waitress.

JerryThe Portuguese waitress?

GeorgeI calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

KatieGeorge, George, you're on.

GeorgeNo, no. I'm not going on.

JerryThen what'd you come down here for?

GeorgeTell you about the Portuguese waitress.

JerryIt's good to have you back.

KatieOne of you has to go on.

JerryAll right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos) % Jackie and Kramer in a cab.

KramerIt was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.

JackieIt's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.

KramerMrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little pow-wow.

JackieA pow-wow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have pow-wow.

KramerShe made an offer. I took it.

JackieHow much?

KramerNo, no, no. There was no money.

JackieNo money? Then what'd we get?

KramerCheck it out. (They see a Marlboro man billboard with Kramer on it)

JackieThis is the most public yet of my many humiliations. % Jerry talking on the phone with David Letterman.

JerryCancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.

LettermanYeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?

JerryActually, it was a ********.

Lettermanthose things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?

JerryJerry.

LettermanRight. Jerry.

[END SHOW]