The Little Jerry

Opening sceneJerry and Elaine are waiting on the street for George.

JERRYSo what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came.

ELAINEI'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?

JERRYFive minutes.

ELAINEFive minutes? That's it?

JERRYWhat's the difference? You never showed up.

ELAINEI could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.

JERRYWell, we barely knew the guy.

ELAINESo, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.

JERRYThat's the way it works.

ELAINEWhen did you tell George to be here?

JERRYI told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?

ELAINEAbout five.

JERRYThat's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.) GEORGE (looks at his watch): Early! Alright! (shivers.) Cold. Commercial break. New scene - Jerry and Kramer in a booth at the coffee shop.

KRAMERSo, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.

JERRYHow did you know about that?

KRAMERBecause Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.

JERRYHe can't do that. KRAMER (sternly): It's the only way you'll learn. (Tastes his eggs.) Aw, these eggs are disgusting. This chicken should be ashamed of himself. (George enters and sits down.)

GEORGEFantastic day! Fantastic!

JERRYWhat happened?

GEORGEWell, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.

JERRYFantastic.

GEORGEThen, I'm at The Foundation...

JERRYYou're still doing that?

GEORGESometimes, once in a while.

JERRYWhen you feel guilty.

GEORGENo, occasionally I'll forget to let the machine pick up. Anyway, they made this large donation to a women's prison, and I get to go down there and check it out.

KRAMERThat's caged heat.

GEORGEYeah-hah!

JERRYWhat are you gonna do there?

GEORGENothing really, you know...just stroll around the cell blocks, maybe take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?

JERRYYes, I know, I know.

GEORGEI noticed you chose the "clowns with balloons" check design.

JERRYIt was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones. (Elaine enters with her new boyfriend, Kurt.)

ELAINEHey! Look who's here! Hey Kurt, this is Jerry, and George, and Kramer.

KRAMERHey, Kurt. Taste these eggs.

KURTUh, no - I only eat cage-free, farm-fresh.

KRAMERYes! These are sweatshop eggs. <Kramer gets up to leave by climbing over the back of the booth. He loses it and falls on the floor, then regains his composure and walks out with his napkin still tucked in his collar.> KURT (to Elaine): I gotta call the office. Honey, would you order for me? ELAINE (sitting down): I'm a "honey." He's pretty great, huh?

JERRYIs he from the future?

ELAINENo, he just shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy.

GEORGEListen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. (Points to his head.) This is guts.

ELAINEWhat? Clinging to some scraps?

GEORGEThese are not "scraps." These are historic remains of a once great society of hair.

ELAINEOh, did you guys stop at the bodega today? Some moron bounced a clown check! New scene in the bodega, starts with a shot of Marcelino's cash register with Jerry's clown check attached under a sign that reads "checks no longer accepted from:".

JERRYAgain, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino.

MARCELINOPeople seem to like the clowns. JERRY (takes out his wallet): Look, let me just give you the forty, plus another twenty for your trouble.

MARCELINO'Kay. JERRY (turning to leave): Aren't you going to take the check down?

MARCELINOSorry, no. It's store policy.

JERRYBut it's your bodega.

MARCELINOEven I am not above the policy. (Jerry leaves while giving Marcelino a dirty look.) New scene - George touring the women's prison with Betsy, the "warden."

BETSYThose are our tennis courts.

GEORGETennis courts? What about the yard? Where do they have the gang fights?

BETSYThere's no fights here, Mr. Costanza. This is a minimum security facility.

GEORGEHmm. What about a hole? You ever put anybody in "the box"?

BETSYNo. GEORGE (to himself): This prison stinks.

BETSYAnd finally, the library, which has just been refurbished thanks to your generous donation. This is Celia Morgan, our librarian.

CELIANice to meet you.

BETSYI'll be in my office if you need me.

GEORGEThanks, Warden. BETSY (sweetly): Betsy. GEORGE (disappointed): Betsy.

CELIASo, are you the head of the foundation?

GEORGEWell, let's just say it wouldn't exist without me. (Notices another person in the library dressed the same as Celia.) So uh, you two shop at the same store?

CELIANo, it's standard issue.

GEORGEOh my God...you're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool! New scene in Jerry's apartment later that day.

JERRYYou asked her out?

GEORGEWell...not "out." She's in prison.

JERRYHow could you ask her out?

GEORGEWhy not?

JERRYI remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!

GEORGEThat was different!

JERRYI'll say.

GEORGEJerry, I like being with her. Plus, I know where she is all the time. I have relatively no competition. And you know how you live in fear of the pop-in? JERRY (shudders): The pop-in.

GEORGEYeah, no pop-in, no "in the neighborhood," no "I saw your light was on." And the best part is, if things go really well...

JERRYConjugal visit? GEORGE (giddy): Don't jinx it! (Kramer enters.)

KRAMERHey. What's up?

JERRYGeorge is dating a convict.

KRAMEROh? What's she in for?

GEORGEEmbezzlement. KRAMER (approvingly): Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.

JERRYYeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

KRAMERWell, not here. (Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag of chicken feed.)

JERRYKramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

KRAMERWell, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)

JERRYI sense something is afoot. KRAMER (closes fridge): Yeah, I bought a chicken. (Jerry is about to reply, but George interrupts.)

GEORGEAllow me. Why?

KRAMERCage-free, farm-fresh eggs. (George is about to reply, but Jerry interrupts.)

JERRYAllow me. What are you, an idiot? New scene - Elaine's apartment at night. Elaine is about to pay a delivery guy for some food.

KURTHold it, hold it, I got it. Catch. (Tosses his wallet to Elaine, she pays the delivery guy.) ELAINE (looking at Kurt's driver's licence photo): Hey, driver's licence. Oh...my God.

KURTWhat?

ELAINEYour hair. It's so thick and lustrous. I mean, it...it was.

KURTWell, it still is. I shave my head for my swim team. I just liked the way it looked, so I kept it.

ELAINEAre you saying that I could be dating this hair? With you under it? (Kurt shrugs.) New scene - Jerry in bed at the crack of dawn. We hear a rooster crowing. Jerry gets up and knocks on Kramer's door, bleary-eyed. Kramer answers the door with a rooster under his arm.

JERRYIs that your "chicken" making all that noise?

KRAMEROh, Jerry loves the morning.

JERRYWho?

KRAMERLittle Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.

JERRYThanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.

KRAMEROf course it is. I picked it out myself.

JERRYWell, you picked out a rooster.

KRAMERWell, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production. (Jerry nods and shuffles back to his place. Kramer turns Little Jerry upside down to see if he's actually a rooster or not...) New scene - George visiting Celia at the prison.

CELIAThis was fun.

GEORGEYeah. I had a great time.

GUARDFive minutes, Mr. Costanza.

GEORGEThe whole hour just flew by. (Begins cleaning up the table.)

GUARDI'll get that.

GEORGEOh, thanks, Bobby. (To Celia) Well, I guess I'll see you in four days.

CELIAGo out and have a ball with the guys. I'll be waiting right here for you.

GEORGEOf course you will. You're the best. New scene - Jerry's apartment, the same day. The phone rings.

JERRYHello? HELEN (in Florida with Morty): Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems?

JERRYI'm not having money problems.

HELENEnough with the comedy! You're very clever, you should look into advertising.

MORTYHe never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!

JERRYI'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine! (George enters.)

HELENThat's it. I'm going to send you fifty dollars.

JERRYYou are NOT sending me fifty dollars!

HELENWe're sending you fifty dollars! Morty, get me an envelope. JERRY (angrily): I swear to God, if you send me fifty dollars, you are gonna be so sorry!

MORTYI don't see envelopes!

HELENThey're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.)

JERRYMa! Ma! MA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.)

GEORGEHow're the folks?

JERRYGood.

GEORGESo? Movie tonight?

JERRYI thought you were going out with Celia.

GEORGEI did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!

JERRYHaving her in jail.

GEORGEThe only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.

JERRYYeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it. (Elaine enters.)

ELAINEHere. (Shows Kurt's driver's licence to Jerry.) Take a look at that.

JERRYHuh. Kurt's an organ donor.

ELAINENo! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair. (George overhears and stands up, concerned.)

JERRYSo he just shaves his head for no reason?

GEORGEThat's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

ELAINEAnd he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine.

JERRYIt's just hair.

ELAINEIt's not just hair! Look! (Shows Kurt's licence to Jerry again.)

JERRYIt's brown.

ELAINEIt's chestnut with auburn highlights!

JERRYSo?

ELAINEYou're not around women. You don't know how important a man's hair is. (They both look at George, who is reading a newspaper and struggling to keep his composure.) I'm sorry, George, but it's true. GEORGE (close to tears): I knew it. New scene - Kramer walking Little Jerry Seinfeld down the street on a leash. He goes into Marcelino's.

MARCELINOHey, Kramer. Nice rooster. What's his name?

KRAMERWell, this is Little Jerry Seinfeld.

MARCELINOLittle Jerry Seinfeld. Does he bounce checks? (laughs)

KRAMERLook, can't you take Jerry's check down?

MARCELINOSorry Kramer, can't help you. (A guy walks into the bodega with his dog. The dog and Little Jerry get into a tussle, and Little Jerry sends the dog packin.') MARCELINO (impressed): I like the way he handles himself. (Kramer picks Little Jerry up. He's upside down. Kramer turns him around the right way.) New scene - Elaine checking out Kurt's head at her apartment.

ELAINEOh, it's coming in already! Wow, you have some very nice little seedlings here. Huh...

KURTWhat?

ELAINEWell, it doesn't seem to be coming in so good over here. Or here.

KURTWhat do you mean? (Goes into the bedroom to look in the mirror.)

ELAINEWell, I don't know...how long have you been shaving your head for? KURT (from the bedroom): About three years.

ELAINEHuh.

KURTOh my God! (Steps into the doorway) I'm going bald! New scene - George and Celia in the prison library.

CELIAGeorge! I'm so glad to see you!

GEORGEHey, I brought you some cigarettes. You buy yourself something nice.

CELIAGood news - I'm up for parole.

GEORGEParole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite! New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.

JERRYSo Marcelino's going to take down the check?

KRAMERWell, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.

JERRYGreat! (realizing) What?

KRAMERWell, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.

JERRYAh ha...

KRAMERSo, he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.

JERRYKramer, cockfighting is illegal.

KRAMEROnly in The United States.

JERRYIt's inhumane!

KRAMERNo, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.

JERRYIt's two roosters peckin' at each other!

KRAMERWhat?

JERRYYeah!

KRAMERWell, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like "American Gladiators."

JERRYNo Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt.

KRAMERWell, I left him with Marcelino! (Jerry shrugs and holds his hands out.)

KRAMERMy Little Jerry! (Runs out.) Commercial break. Continuation of last scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.

JERRYHey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?

KRAMERWell, he's more than O.K., he won!

JERRYYou let him fight?

KRAMERI couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.

JERRYHow long do they usually last?

KRAMERFive seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.

JERRYGreat! (George walks in.)

KRAMERHey.

GEORGECelia's up for parole.

KRAMERHey, Little Jerry won his cockfight.

GEORGEWhat?

KRAMERWho? (They both look at Jerry.)

JERRYI'm too tired. KRAMER (to Jerry): O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.

JERRYAlright. (Kramer leaves.) GEORGE (sadly): It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.

JERRYAh, I'm so sorry.

GEORGEShe's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...

JERRYIn other words, a normal relationship.

GEORGEAnd that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.

JERRYWell, she'll still be an ex-con.

GEORGEIt's not the same.

JERRYHey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something. New scene - Elaine meets a bummed-out Kurt at the coffee shop.

ELAINEKurt? What's with the sweats? Aren't we going out?

KURTI don't care.

ELAINEYou, uh...got a big stain on your shirt.

KURTYeah...meatball...fell out of my sandwich.

ELAINEYou already ate?

KURTIt's from yesterday. New scene - Jerry and Marcelino at the bodega.

MARCELINOJerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.

JERRYThen what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!

MARCELINONow we have a new deal.

JERRYNew deal?

MARCELINOWhen Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.

JERRYThis is outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit. MARCELINO (puts the gum on the counter): 85 cents.

JERRY85 cents? That is outrageous! New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's apartment.

JERRYKramer, Marcelino wants us to sell him Little Jerry Seinfeld.

KRAMERWell, that's out of the question.

JERRYBut Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity.

KRAMERYeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!

JERRYNo, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!

KRAMERYou know, I think you're jealous.

JERRYOf what? KRAMER (points at Jerry like he's found him out): Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!

JERRYKramer, give me that rooster!

KRAMERNever! You hate him because he's doing more with your name than you ever will! Yah-yah! (Kramer leaves.) New scene - George in Betsy's office at the prison.

BETSYGeorge, Celia has listed you as a character reference. Whatever you can tell us would certainly be helpful in her getting paroled.

GEORGEWell, anything I can do to help, um...she's a wonderful girl. Very smart. Very...crafty.

BETSYDoes she have any plans after she's released?

GEORGEPlans. Schemes. She keeps talking about getting back together with her old friends - "the gang," as she likes to call them, you know. Yeah, they're hatching something, you can count on that. New scene - Marcelino at Jerry's apartment door.

MARCELINOJerry! Tonight's fight-night. Where's my rooster?

JERRYKramer won't sell.

MARCELINOWell, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway.

JERRYWell, thank you, Marcelino.

MARCELINOWell, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event.

JERRYYou want Little Jerry to take a dive?

MARCELINOShhh, not so loud.

JERRYFirst of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive.

MARCELINOCan, too!

JERRYSecond of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave. MARCELINO (leaving): Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.

JERRYWe'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!

KRAMERO.K.! New scene - Kurt at George's apartment.

KURTElaine said you would be the best person I could talk to. GEORGE (examining Kurt's head with a lamp): Yep. Classic horseshoe pattern. I've seen a lot of this.

KURTOh, God.

GEORGENo, no, Kurt - wrong attitude. You should be happy now.

KURTHappy? Why should I be happy?

GEORGEYou've still got pretty good coverage. Once the enemy advances beyond this perimeter - (points at Kurt's head with a pen) - then you won't be Kurt anymore.

KURTWho will I be? (George points at himself. Kurt shudders.)

KURTHow long do I have? GEORGE (solemnly): 14 months. Maybe 10.

KURTIs there anything I can do?

GEORGEYes. Live, dammit. Live! Every precious moment as if this was the last year of your life. Because in many ways...it is. (There's a knock at the door.) Excuse me. (George answers the door. Celia enters.)

GEORGECelia? What are you doing here?

CELIAWell, I didn't get my parole, so I busted out. GEORGE (nervously): And you just decided to pop in...! New scene - Kurt shows up at Elaine's apartment.

ELAINEKurt!

KURTElaine...(holds out a wedding ring) Will you marry me? (Elaine is shocked.) New scene - Jerry and Kramer in Jerry's kitchen, training Little Jerry for his cockfight.

KRAMEROh, yeah. He's lookin' good, huh Jerry?

JERRYYeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?

KRAMERI'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.

JERRYHey, Kramer...? (Kramer looks at Jerry.)

JERRYBe careful. (George enters.) Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!

GEORGEIs that good?

JERRYI don't know. Where have you been?

GEORGECelia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!

JERRYOh my God! The break-out/pop-in!

GEORGEYeah. Hey Jerry, listen to this. I discovered something even better than conjugal visit sex. Fugitive sex! Now, it's like everytime - JERRY (interrupts): George, this is a little too much for me - escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on. (Jerry leaves.) Cut back to Elaine and Kurt at Elaine's apartment.

ELAINEHey Kurt, slow down! I just can't marry you, whim-bam-boom! I mean, I need some "fiance-time," I need some "make-my-girlfriends-jealous" time...

KURTPlus, you want to get to know me.

ELAINEYeah, yeah, that too.

KURTWell, how much time?

ELAINEI don't know...a year?

KURTNo, no, no...it has to be now.

ELAINECould I see the ring again? New scene - Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer at the cockfight in back of Marcelino's store. JERRY (to Elaine): So, you're actually considering it?

ELAINEWell, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.

JERRYMarriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change.

ELAINEJerry, it's three-thirty in the morning. I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to? (George comes over.)

GEORGEHey, sorry I'm late.

JERRYWhere's Celia?

GEORGEShe didn't want to come, she's not really into sports. (Kramer comes over with Little Jerry.)

JERRYHey, how's he doin'?

KRAMERHe's got a big sweat going. (Takes an envelope out of his pocket.) Oh, this came for you express-mail. It's from your parents. JERRY (opens the envelope): Fifty dollars. I don't believe this!

KRAMERThere's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.)

JERRYLook at the size of his bird!

KRAMERThat looks like a dog with a glove on his head. New scene - Kurt at George's door. Celia answers.

KURTHi, is George back from the cockfight yet? You know, I gotta thank him, he changed my life.

CELIANo, it must have been a good fight, he's not back yet.

KURTAh, damn. (Two detectives show up at the door behind Kurt.) DETECTIVE #1 (to Kurt): Sorry to bother you, Mr. Costanza. Well, well, well. Look who's here.

CELIAAw, man! DETECTIVE #2 (to Kurt): Mr. Costanza, you're under arrest for aiding and abetting a known fugitive. KURT (laughs): I'm not George Costanza. DETECTIVE #2: Save it. We know you're bald. We know it's you. Let's go! (They escort Kurt and Celia out.) Cut back to the cockfight. ELAINE (to a woman at the fight): Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!

JERRYHe's a ringer!

GEORGEWhere's the tamale guy? (The bell rings, and the cockfight begins.)

KRAMERLittle Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there. (A man at the edge of the ring drops Little Jerry in. Everything now happens in slow-motion.) KRAMER (lunging for Little Jerry): Little Jerry!

JERRYKramer!

ELAINEStop the fight! GEORGE (holds up one finger): Tamale! <Kramer lands in the ring and grabs ahold of Little Jerry. Marcelino's rooster closes in. We see Jerry, George and Elaine with shocked expressions on their faces, then hear pecking sounds and Kramer yelping and screaming from inside the ring.> Commercial break. New scene - Elaine talking to Kurt in jail on a phone through the glass.

ELAINEWhy did you get into a fist fight with the cop? You were innocent!

KURTThey thought I was George. I'm not that bald. I have too little time left to take that kind of crap, so I slugged him.

ELAINESo, how long are you gonna be in here for?

KURTWell, my lawyer says 14 months, but with good behavior, maybe...10?

ELAINESo, 10 to 14 months.

KURTYeah. (Elaine hangs up the phone, takes Kurt's ring off her finger, drops it in the tray and leaves.)

[END SHOW]