The Muffin Tops

Jerry and George walking down the street.

JerryHang on just let me pick up a paper.

ManExcuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

GeorgeYeah. No problem.

JerryLet's go.

GeorgeWoah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.

JerryFor how long?

GeorgeI'm sure he'll be back in a second.

JerryCome on.

GeorgeExcuse me sir. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute?

Man 2Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back? Jerry starts to leave.

GeorgeWhere are you going?

JerryI'm going to be this guy's friend.

(Commercial)

Jerry and George at Monk's.

JerryNew clothes?

GeorgeYeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?

JerryStrange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!

GeorgeThe guy never came back.

JerryHe asked you to watch them not wear them.

GeorgeI'm still watching them.

JerryYou look like a tourist.

GeorgeAll right, let me ask you something: When do you start to worry about ear hair?

JerryWhen you hear like a soft russeling.

GeorgeIt's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this: Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.

JerryOh right, the new job, how is it?

GeorgeI love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.

JerrySo who's the new you?

GeorgeThey got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

JerryOh hi Alex.

AlexI'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?

JerryNo.

AlexI'll be right back.

GeorgeWhere are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?

JerryRight here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world.

GeorgeThanks. Thanks a lot. Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Kramer searches in Jerry's couch for something and picks it up. Elaine enters. Kramer hurriedly puts the cushions back on the couch. (What was he looking for anyway? Anything specific?)

KramerHey.

ElaineHey.

KramerHi.

ElaineWhere's Jerry?

KramerWell he's in the shower. You want me to get him?

ElaineNo. No no. Actually I kind of need to speak to you.

KramerWell let's sit down.

ElaineKramer, ahem, remember that whole deal with you selling Peterman your stories for his book and then he gave them back to you?

KramerVaguely.

ElaineWell I was kind of, hehehe, short on material and I, um, I put them in the book anyway.

KramerYou put my life's stories in his autobiography?

ElaineKramer listen, it is such a stupid book. It doesn't matter.

KramerOh no. Sure. It matters. Wow. I've broken through, huh. I'm part of popular culture now. Listen I've got to thank Mr. Peterman.

ElaineHe's doing a book signing at Waldenbooks this afternoon.

KramerWaldenbooks? That's a major chain huh. Kramer enters the bathroom.

KramerHe Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.

Jerry(yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.

KramerAll right, let's go. At Waldenbooks.

ElaineMr. Lippman, how are you?

Mr LippmanWell I'm not bad. Not bad.

ElaineWhat are you doing here?

Mr LippmanI work for Pundant Publishishing. This is our book.

ElaineOh.

Mr LippmanIf you can call it that. Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?

KramerHey buddy. Remember me?

Mr PetermanYou're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.

KramerYeah, I'm just here to do my part. What's your name darling?

WomanWho are you?

KramerI'm the real Peterman.

Mr PetermanAll right playtime's over.

KramerRelax man. There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggley.

WomanI can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.

ElaineThat was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.

Mr LippmanSo you just eat the tops.

ElaineOh yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy, it's explosive, it's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of (makes hand motions) does it's own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollor idea right there. Just sell the tops. Two men forcefully pick Kramer up and push him out of the store.

KramerI have a right to be here. These are my fans. Hey you're hurting my elbow. George is walking down the street looking down at his map. He is bumping into people.

Man 1Try looking up hayseed.

Man 2You wanna sightsee? Get on a bus.

Mary AnnePlease don't think all New Yorkers are so rude.

GeorgeWell actually I'm...

Mary AnneI'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitor's Center. Where are you visiting from?

GeorgeLittle Rock, Arkensas.

Mary AnneOoh. Jerry is in his bathroom shaving. He thinks. He tilts the mirror down.

JerryHmm. That looks new. He thinks some more. He picks up his razor.

KramerSo get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.

Jerry(uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.

KramerWhat's the matter with you?

Jerry(uncomfortably) Nothing.

KramerNo, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.

JerryI did something stupid.

KramerWhat did you do?

JerryWell I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone.

KramerDon't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.

JerryWell women do it.

Kramer(high pitched voice) "Well women do it." I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.

JerryWell what am I going to tell Alex?

KramerListen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?

JerryUm hum. George enters

KramerHey, Jerry shaved his chest.

JerryHey!

KramerI forgot. Wait. Never mind. Jerry and Alex walking.

AlexHow about the beach this weekend?

JerryYou couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...

AlexAll right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.

JerryReally? Elaine walks into a muffin shop.

Elaine"Top of the Muffin to you!"?

Mr. LippmanTop of the muffin to you. Elaine!

ElaineMr Lippman? George and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.

JerrySo you're pretending to be a tourist?

GeorgeIt's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup

JerryHow do you explain your apartment?

GeorgeI got a hotel room.

Jerryyou moved into a hotel?

GeorgeWell I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?

JerrySo get this: we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.

GeorgeSo?

JerrySo. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.

GeorgeOh really. You tell her you shaved it?

JerryAre you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest. Kramer is in a school bus. He honks his horn. Camera shot down on the bus.

Kramer(yelling up at Jerry) Hey Jerry. Jerry pulls up the blinds on his upstairs window and looks down.

Kramer(yelling) I'm starting a Peterman Reality Bus Tour. Check it out. Hahaha.

GeorgeReality tour?

JerryThe last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality. Elaine at the muffin shop.

ElaineThis was my idea you stole my idea.

Mr. LippmanElaine these ideas are all in the air. They're in the air.

ElaineWell if that air is comming out of this face then it is my air and my idea.

Mr. LippmanYou want a muffin or not?

ElainePeach. Gerge and Mary Anne at Monks.

Mary AnneSo I notice you don't have much of an accent.

GeorgeYeah my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.

Mary AnneLook george, I'm really enjoying spending time with you but I'm not sure this is going to work out. At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog Willie.

GeorgeWillie. Yeah.

Mary AnneAnd I'm still going to be here.

GeorgeWell what if I told you I'm thinking of moving here?

Mary Anne(laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.

(Commercial)

JerryYou're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.

GeorgeEat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town.

JerryWhat is it she think you can't do?

GeorgeFind a job. Get an apartment.

JerryHow did you do those things?

GeorgeNever mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.

JerryHey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?

KramerHere you go, here you go, check it out.

Jerry"The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour". I'm confused.

KramerPeterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.

JerryNobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.

KramerI'm only charging $37.50, plus you get a pizza bagel and desert.

GeorgeWhat's desert?

KramerBite-size Three Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats.

GeorgeHe eats those?

KramerNo. I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.

GeorgeI think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.

KramerTalk to me.

GeorgeBut your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.

KramerUnderstand?

JerryYeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers. Elaine and Mr. Lippman at Monk's.

Mr. LippmanElaine. I'm in over my head. Nobody likes my muffin tops.

ElaineSo? What do you want me to do about it?

Mr. LippmanYou're the muffin top expert, tell me what I'm doing wrong.

ElaineMr. Lippman, when I worked for you at Pendent Publishing, I believed in you, you know as a man of integrity. But, I saw you in that paper hat and that aprin...

Mr. LippmanWhat if I cut you in for 30% of the profits?

ElaineDeal. Here's your problem. You're making just the muffin tops. You've gotta make the *whole* muffin. Then you... Pop the top, toss the stump. Taste.

Mr. LippmanAh. (takes a bite of the top.) Mmmmm. Ah hah?

ElaineYeah.

Mr. LippmanSo what do we with the bottoms?

ElaineI don't know, give em to a soup kitchen.

Mr. LippmanThat's a good idea.

ElaineAnd one more thing, you really think we need the exclamation point? Because, it's not "Top of the Muffin *TO YOU!!!*"

Mr. LippmanNo. No. It is. At Jerry's apartment.

KramerHey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?

JerryWhat? Can't I get a moment's peace?

KramerWhat are you doing to yourself? Jerry walks into camera view with his chest covered with shaving cream.

JerryI can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.

KramerYou can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.

JerryOh that's an old wives tale.

KramerIs it? Look at this. Kramer walks off-screen and opens his shirt. On-screen, Jerry reels from the sight.

Kramer(high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.

JerryOh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.

KramerWon't it? Or is it already starting to happen? Elain at the muffin shop.

ElaineWow. Look at this. We're cleaning up. Lippman Oh, Rubin, get me another tray of lowfat cranberry.

RebeccaExcuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.

ElaineOh, hi.

RebeccaAre you the ones leaveing the muffing pieces behind our shelter?

ElaineYou been enjoying them?

RebeccaThey're just stumps.

ElaineWell they're perfectly edible.

RebeccaOh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?

Mr. LippmanNo no, we just thought...

RebeccaI know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.

ElaineIf the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.

RebeccaThe homeless don't like them.

ElaineFine.

RebeccaWe've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"

ElaineWe were just trying to help.

RebeccaWhy don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells.

ElaineI think I might. Mary Anne and George at George's "new" apartment.

Mary AnneI can't believe you found something so quickly. How much you pay?

George$2300.

Mary AnneOuch. A month?

GeorgeYeah.

Mary AnneWell, guess that's all right for now, but if you say here for more than a few months, you're a real sucker.

GeorgeYeah, well I uh got lots of other stuff to show you too. Wait till you see the plum job that I landed.

Mary AnneYeah. We should let this place air out anyway. It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something. Mary Anne exits. George sniffs his armpit. On Kramer's bus.

KramerComming up on the right, if you glance up you can just make out my bedroom window. It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.

WomanHey if you're the real Peterman, who come you're wearing those ratty clothes? The're not very romantic.

Kramer(over the speaker) Well that's your opinion.

Man 1Can I have another Three Musketeers? They're rather small.

KramerForget it. Okay Newman's postal route is around here somewhere.

Man 2Who's Newman?

Man 3Who cares.

Man 4Hey fake Peterman, let me off. I'm nautious.

Man 1Can I have his candy bar?

KramerAhh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here. At Jerry's apartment.

JerryWhy do I have to go on the tour?

KramerJerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks. Elaine enters

JerryHey, how's business?

ElaineOoh, I've got stump troubles. The Sanitation Department won't get rid of them all, I can't get a truck to haul this stuff until next week. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on a mountain of stumps.

KramerAll right, I've got to hose the puke off the floor of the bus.

ElaineBus? Wait a minute, wait a minute, bus? You've got a bus?

KramerYeah.

ElaineYou got any room on that thing?

KramerYeah there are a few seats still available.

ElaineDo you think you could transport some stumps for me? I'll make it worth your while.

KramerWell, if they don't mind sitting in the back.

ElaineNo they don't.

KramerAre they war veterans? Elaine looks at him confused. In George's office.

Mary AnneWow this is your office.

Mr. SteinbrennerWoah. Hello. Sorry George, didn't know you got a girl in here. Give me a signal on the doornob like a necktie or a sock or something. Come on George, help me out.

Mary AnneMr. Steinbrenner, I would like to thank you for taking a chance on a hen supervisor at Tyler Chicken like our boy George here.

Mr. SteinbrennerHen supervisor from Tyler Chicken?

GeorgeYes. Very nice to have had her to mention... (starting to leave)

Mr. SteinbrennerWait a minute George.

GeorgeBe right with you. Look Mr. Steinbrenner.

Mr. SteinbrennerMoonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive George. Days with the New York Yankees and nights in Arkensas with a top flight bird outlet. And a hen supervisor to boot. I am blown. Bloooown away. Blown George. (vibration in the "o"'s) Bloooooooooooooooooooown. On Kramer's bus.

AlexYou know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.

JerryYou also shouldn't use a donut. Kramer gets on the bus. He starts the tape player playing banjo music.

KramerAll right ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Peterman Reality Tour...

Tape PlayerTurn music off.

JerryCan we just go?

KramerAnd go we will.

ManWhat is this, a pizza-pound cake?

KramerWe have a bonus reality stop today. We will be hauling muffin stumps to the local repository.

Man 2We're going to a garbage dump?

KramerAnd we're off.

JerryYou know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close. Mr. Steinbrenner is sitting at his desk on the phone with the manager at Tyler chicken who is also sitting at his desk.

Mr. Steinbrenner(the back of his head to the camera) John Tyler? George Steinbreener here. I want to talk about George Castanza. I understand he's been dividing his time between us and you. I cannot have that.

John Tyler(the back of his head also to the camera) Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.

Mr. SteinbrennerOh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?

John TylerHow about this. You give me Castanza, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.

Mr. SteinbrennerHow do you make that alcoholic chicken?

John TylerLet if ferment, just like everything else.

Mr. SteinbrennerThat stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus. Kramer at a garbage dump carrying a garbage bag.

ManHey hey hey hey hey. Where do you think you're going?

KramerI was going to dump this.

ManIt doesn't look like garbage.

KramerWell it's muffin stumps

ManWhere are the muffin tops?

KramerThis is a garbage dump. Just let me dump it.

ManCan't do it.

KramerIs this a joke?

ManThat's what I'd like to know about it.

AlexYou have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?

JerryWhat's that?

AlexWell look it's almost time for you to shave again.

JerryOh. Yeah.

Kramer(gets back on the bus, yelling) Well maybe I will take it up with Consumer Affairs. Ladies and Gentlemen you're in for an additional treat. We're going to extend the tour at no extra charge.

ManWhere are we going?

Kramer(looking at a map) I don't know. (over the speaker) Uh, no more questions. Banjo music plays as they look for garbage dumps. Next scene. Kramer argues with someone at a dump. Next scene. A man vomits on the floor. Next scene. Kramer is driving. He is sleepy. His head nods down onto the horn. The horn blows. Startled, Kramer sits back up. Banjo music finishes.

WaitressSo, the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler chicken.

GeorgeDogs, twists, a kind of fermented chicken drink.

ManHey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes?

GeorgeWhat clothes?

ManThese clothes. The ones you're wearing. On Kramer's bus.

Jerry(in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.

KramerDon't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.

JerryI'm telling you man, I'm losing it. Kramer gets off the bus, carrying a garbage bag. Eerie music is playing. Jerry looks out the bus window at a full moon. A dog starts barking.

JerryI can't sit on this bus anymore. I think I'll go play with that dog.

KramerI don't know where the tops are. Jerry runs past Kramer and another person. Eerie music still playing.

KramerJerry what's the matter? In slow motion Jerry runs into the woods. At normal speed he runs behind a tree. Camera shot down on him as he starts scratching his chest.

Jerry(for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good.

(Commercial)

BartenderHey, you looking for George?

Mary AnneYeah.

BartenderHe's been in the bathroom awhile. You might want to check on him.

George(talking on the phone) Jerry you gotta bring me some clothes down here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in the men's room on 43rd street in my underpants.

Mary AnneI told you this city would eat you alive. At the muffin shop.

Mr. LippmanWhat is this guy again?

ElaineThey call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away. Newman enters.

NewmanHello Elaine. Where are they?

ElaineIn the back.

NewmanAll right, I'm going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.

Mr. LippmanWhat is going on here?

NewmanIf I'm curt, then I appologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence. Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. He bites into a stump, then takes a drink of milk from the glass. (continuity error: he never actually poured the glass of milk.) He swishes the muffin and the milk together and swollows. He takes another stump.

[END SHOW]