Kramer finds the set of the old Merv Griffin Show and reconstructs it in his apartment. Jerry dates a woman just to get access to her vintage toy collection. George runs over pigeons.
<Jerry and Kramer in an alley>
JERRYWhy were you making gravel?
KRAMERWell ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it. Hey, those look familiar.
JERRYOf course. It's garbage.
KRAMERNo, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
JERRYYeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
KRAMERLook at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.
JERRYCome on, Kramer, get out of there.
KRAMERNo, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
JERRY(moans) (In George's car)
GEORGEYou know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can y'a?
MIRANDABanana?
GEORGERight.
MIRANDAGeorge watch out for those pigeons.
GEORGEOh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana? (George hits the pigeons.)
MIRANDAOh my God. Oh.
GEORGESo uh where are we eating? (Celia's apartment)
JERRYAnd it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
CELIAYou're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.
JERRYWow!
CELIAOh yeah the toys.
JERRYWhere did you get all these?
CELIAMy dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ...
JERRYSuper bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit.
CELIAJerry, what are you doing?
JERRYI'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
CELIANo Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with.
JERRYI just want to touch them a little.
CELIAI said no. Now come here. (Peterman's)
LOUHi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
ELAINEHey Walter what is the deal with that guy?
WALTEROh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.
ELAINEYou've been an enormous help. (Monk's)
JERRYYou ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGEWhat ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
JERRYOf course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
GEORGERight! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this.
JERRYSo Maranda's cooled on y'a?
GEORGEI'm getting nothing.
JERRYYeah, me neither.
GEORGEReally? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
JERRYOh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it! (Elaine enters)
GEORGEI don't understand women.
JERRYHere comes one.
ELAINEHey. What's going on?
GEORGEHey (sees coffee marks) Art Garfunkle?
ELAINENo, Castro.
GEORGERight.
ELAINEAll because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!
JERRYSo he just sidles up?
ELAINEThat's right! He's a real sidler.
JERRYMaybe you didn't see him.
ELAINEYou never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup singing that song from "The Lion King".
JERRYHakuna Matata?
ELAINEI thought I was alone.
JERRYThat doesn't make it right. (Outside Jerry's apartment door)
JERRYSee, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ...
ELAINEWould you just let it go?
KRAMERHey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
JERRYOh my God!
KRAMERIt's the Merv Griffin set
JERRYHow did you get this in here?
KRAMEROh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
JERRYSo where are you gonna sleep?
KRAMERYeah ... backstage.
ELAINEPhew! This chair smells like garbage.
KRAMEROh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV yeah, you can take Mannix for example. (phone rings)
JERRYI'm gonna get that.
KRAMERAll right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime( Jerry exits) Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! (Elaine suts down) Why, is it possible that you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?
ELAINE(giggles) ( Central Park) (George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him)
GEORGEWe had a deal! ( Peterman's Office)
ELAINEMr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
PETERMANOne moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
ELAINEWhat? (Lou Filerman is standing behind her) ( Kramer's Apartment)
JERRYSo three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
KRAMERThat's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up.
JERRYYeah, that was me.
KRAMEROh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had.
JERRYAn Army Pete.
KRAMERRight.
JERRYHe was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
KRAMERAnd we all know how painful that can be. (Elaine enters)
ELAINEJerry
KRAMEROh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.
ELAINEWell, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
KRAMERExcuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way.
ELAINEWell, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
KRAMERNow, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
ELAINEKramer, what is wrong with you?
KRAMERWhat do you mean?
ELAINEWell, for starters, you're looking at note cards (to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.
JERRYYou, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
ELAINENot with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
KRAMEROnly in New York. ... ha ha
GEORGEJerry? (George enters)
KRAMEROh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise! Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!
GEORGEWell, it happened again.
JERRYWhat happened?
KRAMERtut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened?
GEORGEWell, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
KRAMERAll right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what was that like? That was the wrong card.
GEORGEI I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
JERRYSo they're like everyone else.
KRAMER(laughs too loudly) All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back! (George's Car)
GEORGEBoy that bank clock is eight minutes off.
MIRANDAThen why don't you just run IT over too?
GEORGEZing.
MIRANDAGeorge, what are you doing?
GEORGEDid you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved that pigeons life!
MIRANDAWhat pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. (leaves the car)
GEORGESquirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM! ( Celia's Apartment) (Jerry tries to play with the toys)
CELIAJerry! Those hands! They never stop!
JERRYI'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped!
CELIANo thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?
JERRYAll right. (Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness") ( Peterman's office)
LOUHere's the new copy you wanted.
PETERMANAh, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you.
ELAINE(quietly standing behind Lou) Thank you. ha ha
PETERMANUnfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm assuming I need it right away.
ELAINEWell, I guess we'll just (Lou has left) Hey, just gimme that. ( Celia's apartment)
JERRY(playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping) Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (Veterinarian's office)
MIRANDADoctor, is the squirrel going to live?
DOCTORThere's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly, difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.
GEORGEWell, uh, are there any other options?
DOCTORWe could put him to sleep.
GEORGEWhat might that cost?
DOCTORWell, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.
GEORGEWell? (Miranda hits George) I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do everything possible.
DOCTORHe, um. he's not going to be the same, you know?
GEORGEyeah. yeah. I know. ( Kramer's apartment)
GEORGESo they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
KRAMEREl Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN(laughs)El Paso!
JERRYWhat's he here for?
KRAMERTo take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm
JERRYWell, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
KRAMERWell. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
NEWMANAre you married right now?
JERRYActually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out!
KRAMERWhat do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
JERRYShe's even got that old Matel football game that we love!
GEORGEOh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
KRAMERWait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
NEWMANI told you he was a risk.
JERRYOh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
NEWMANYeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
KRAMERSmile, everyone! We're back! ( Elaine's office)
LOUYou wanted to see me, Elaine?
ELAINEYes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your...
LOUMy dead tooth?
ELAINENo. Your. (breathes)
LOUMy breath?
ELAINEEechh.
LOUWhat can I do?
ELAINEWell, you should never ever go anywhere without these. (Tic Tacs)
LOUThanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! (he clicks ans clicks now when he walks) ( Celia's apartment)
GEORGEMore wine and turkey? (Pours Celia more wine)
JERRYSo when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought: ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIAWhat is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
JERRY and GEORGETriptaphen.
JERRY... I think. Have some more wine.
CELIAWhat video did you get?
JERRYOh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGEFour hours.
JERRYMore heavy gravy? (Celia is sleeping )
GEORGE(playing with toys) Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry. ( Kramer's apartment)
NEWMANLately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know. I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
KRAMERWell, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?
NEWMANWe've got no one!
KRAMERWe need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool. (pulls the plug and the show goes dark)
NEWMANWhat about a guest-host?
KRAMERI'll pretend I didn't hear that. ( Veterinarian's office)
MIRANDADoctor, how's the squirrel?
GEORGEIs he dead?
DOCTORNo. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
MIRANDAYes he would.
DOCTORYou have 30 minutes. (exits)
GOERGESo ... uh, squirrel. (Doctor enters)
DOCTOROne more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up tomorrow.
GEORGEWhat's that?
DOCTOROh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
GEORGEHe has no home. He's a squirrel.
DOCTORYour home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits) (Monk's)
JERRYMaybe it'll be fun having a pet.
GEORGEIt's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep! (Kramer enters)
KRAMERJerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
JERRYWhat about my "questionable material"?
KRAMERNope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
JERRYJim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
KRAMERWell, I practically raised his kids.
GEORGEThat's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by?
KRAMERWhat? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm sorry, but maybe another time, all right? (exits)
GEORGEI gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically bionic! (Elaine enters)
ELAINEHey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved.
JERRYTic-Tacs worked?
ELAINEHe's a human maraca.
GEORGEBoy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
ELAINEYou took him over to Celia's?
JERRYWhat? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINEWhat about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
JERRYOkay, one victim.
ELAINEI think it's unconscionable.
GEORGEHey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
ELAINEEZ Bake oven? (Celia's apartment)
ELAINEWho wants cupcake?
GEORGEOh, me, me, me, me, me!
JERRYYou know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
FRANK(on TV) You step on it and it flushes.
ELAINEWhy is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
ESTELLE(on TV) Stop squirming.
GEORGEOh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.
JERRYYou're like eight years old.
ESTELLE(on TV) Georgie.
GEORGEI was seven and a half. ( Elaine's office)
PETERMANThat noise. that's the noise.
ELAINEWhat?
PETERMANThat inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
ELAINENo, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
PETERMANThat reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?
ELAINENo Mister Peterman.
PETERMANBecause, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead - I'll find out about that too. (Exits) (Coffee room)
ELAINELou! In here! We have to talk.
LOUOh, right.
ELAINE(Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou) No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
LOUWhy?
ELAINEBecause they're turning your teeth green?
LOUI only buy the white ones.
ELAINEOkay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay? Just ... just mouth wash.
LOUI can't. It burns my cankers.
ELAINEBinacca?
LOUAgain.
ELAINERight, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
LOUI hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped making that about 20 years ago.
ELAINEWell, stinky, this is your lucky day. ( Kramer's apartment)
KRAMEROkay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
FOWLERWhere are the cameras?
KRAMERBut first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that?
JERRYIt was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
KRAMERAnd she doesn't know anything about this?
JERRYNo, not a thing.
Newmanlaughs
KRAMERWell, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
CELIAWhat kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
NEWMAN and KRAMERWoah.
JERRYWhat is this? What is she doing here?
KRAMERIt's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it.
CELIAIf you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
NEWMANGo girl!
JERRYWell, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?
NEWMAN and KRAMEROhhh! (George enters with the squirrel)
GEORGEMister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!
KRAMERGeorge I told you we're booked!
FOWLERCareful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
KRAMEROhhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
FOWLERNo, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
KRAMERAre we getting this? (Monk's)
JERRYSo the whole set was destroyed?
KRAMERWell, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
GEORGEWell, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set.
KRAMERI tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.
MIRANDAI got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits)
JERRYSo the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGEYeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
JERRYSleeping on the couch? So you're...
GEORGEStill getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last think I heard ... we have NO DEAL! ( Celia's )
CELIAI'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.
ELAINEOh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
CELIAWho's he? (Lou)
ELAINEOh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a.
[END SHOW]