The gang wanders a mall parking garage for hours trying to find George's car — shot in real time.
GEORGEOne left...what a joke.
KRAMERYou can have this one.
GEORGENo, that's not enough BTUs for my living room...That was a complete waste of time.
ELAINEHey, I didn't get one either.
JERRYWhy do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
ELAINEThis is what people do.
JERRYNo they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.
GEORGEYou should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. He'd go from state to state. He was away for weeks at a time. It was like he was running for President and he was going through the primaries. We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.
ELAINESo we took a little ride. What's the big deal?
GEORGEWell at least you accomplished something. You got fish.
JERRYBig accomplishment. GEORGE Fish. What do they do?
ELAINEWhat do you do?
KRAMER(RE: CAR) It's this way.
GEORGEWhat time is it?
JERRYFive o'clock.
GEORGEAlways late. Always late.
JERRYYou're not late.
GEORGEI told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen.
ELAINEWho?
GEORGEMy parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?
JERRYOf course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
ELAINEIsn't it going the other way? JERRY There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
ELAINEBut it's Saturday. JERRY You got the picnic and burger traffic. GEORGE I always get myself in this position. Can't be on time. Gotta rush.
ELAINEWhat's the matter?
JERRYI have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?
JERRY(CONT'D) You want me to help you with that?
KRAMERNo, no, I got it.
JERRY(TO GEORGE, RE:WOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?
GEORGEDid I need that pointed out for me? What is that going to do for me? How does that help me, to see her? I'm trying to live my life. Don't show me that.
KRAMERIf you like her, go talk to her.
GEORGEYeah, right. I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how ya' doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?" JERRY Before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. She's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. Any sudden movement in the area could set her off.
KRAMERShe's fat.
ELAINEOh she's fat?
ELAINEWhat? JERRY Where's the car?
KRAMERI thought it was here.
GEORGEYou don't know where we parked?
GEORGEOh, this is great.
KRAMERBlue-one. I thought it was blue-one.
JERRYI thought it was green. I remember seeing green.
ELAINEI didn't pay attention.
GEORGEThis is just what I need.
ELAINEI'm sure it's right around here.
KRAMERIt looks familiar. I remember the elevator.
GEORGEThere's elevators all over! It all looks the same.
JERRYIt's over there. I know where it is.
ELAINEIt's black, right?
KRAMERDark blue.
GEORGE(MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?
JERRYThere it is!...No, no that's a Toyota.
JERRY(CONT'D) Hmmm...I thought it was...
KRAMERDidn't we come in over there?
JERRYI thought it was over there.
ELAINEHow long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?
KRAMERAbout two hours.
ELAINE(SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH) You'd better find this car.
GEORGEIt's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF:
JERRYI really have to go to the bathroom.
KRAMERWhy don't you go behind one of these cars? J
KRAMER(CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around. JERRY I'll wait.
KRAMERYou know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. JERRY Alright.
KRAMERJerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?
JERRYMaybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
ELAINE(RE: CAR) There it is!...No that's not it.
ELAINE(CONT'D) Hey, watch it. ...Did you see that car? Maniac. Can you explain something to me? I got six questions wrong on my drivers test. That's the maximum. I read the book, I'm a college graduate. This is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate Europe on a map. How are they all passing that test? It's a mystery.
GEORGE...Six wrong?
ELAINEThose school zones are a killer.
JERRY(TO KRAMER, RE:BOX) Will you let me help you with that?
KRAMERI'm gonna put it down behind that car.
JERRYYou're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
KRAMER(TO GEORGE) Pink eleven. Remember that.
GEORGEOh I got it. (TO JERRY) That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.
ELAINE(LOOKING AT FISH) I think they're laboring.
KRAMERLook at this place. It's huge...
GEORGEI can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.
JERRYParents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, "Make sure you hang on to your jacket."
GEORGEWhere the hell is this car, Kramer?
KRAMERIt's got to be here.
ELAINEWhy are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.
JERRYMaybe it's not on this level.
GEORGEWhat?
JERRYThere are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINEIt felt like a couple of levels.
JERRYYou should always carry a pad and pen. GEORGE I can't carry a pen. I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.
KRAMERI have a pen.
JERRYWhere was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, "Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."
MOTHER (O.C.) Don't you dare talk to me like that! You hear me?
ELAINELook at that woman.
MOTHER I told you! I don't care! You'll have to wait.
GEORGE(TO WOMAN) Hey, is that necessary?
MOTHER (TO GEORGE) Why don't you mind your own business?
GEORGEI think hitting a defenseless child is my business.
KID (TO GEORGE) You're ugly.
GEORGE...What?
KID You're ugly.
GEORGEYou are!
KID You are!
GEORGEI should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.
KRAMER(RE: CAR) I found it!
ELAINEHe's got it.
KRAMEROh...no.
JERRYAll right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?
ELAINEJerry, look at my fish.
JERRYHis eyes look a little cloudy.
GEORGEOh are they gonna be furious.
JERRYWho's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!
KRAMERIt was easy the last time.
ELAINEMy fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.
JERRYNo one's going to do that.
ELAINEExcuse me, we can't seem to find our car. I was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look.
MAN#1 (HOLDING HIS HANDS UP) ...Sorry.
ELAINEFive minutes.
MAN#1 Can't do it.
ELAINEWe're not wilding.
ELAINE(CONT'D) Excuse me - I can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me...
ELAINE(CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?
JERRYThose are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
KRAMERRight here at the mall.
ELAINEExcuse me...
ELAINE(CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.
JERRYIt's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
KRAMERYou drank a whole bottle of water.
JERRYI know.
KRAMERSo why don't you just go? JERRY No I can't.
KRAMERDon't you get tired of following rules? JERRY You think I'm too cautious?
KRAMERWhy be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.
JERRYOrganic. So's Buddy Hackett.
KRAMERBuddy Hackett?
JERRYHe's a comedian.
KRAMERI know.
JERRYAll right. All right.
KRAMER(pointing) You can go over here.
JERRYI can manage.
KRAMER(turns away and spots George) George! (leaves scene)
KRAMERIt'll take you ten seconds.
JERRYOkay, okay. I'll be right back.
SECURITYGUARD Okay, let's go. Come with me.
JERRYBut...
SECURITYGUARD Come on.
JERRY(STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer
JERRYI've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SECURITYGUARD Well you're still not allowed.
JERRYDo you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SECURITYGUARD That's up to you.
JERRYSo you don't care if I die.
SECURITYGUARD What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. JERRY It was life and death.
SECURITYGUARD Uh huh.
JERRYOh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITYGUARD I don't know.
JERRYBecause I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.
JERRY(C0NT'D) Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. You want to call the Department of Social Services? Oh, it's Saturday. They're closed today. My luck.
SECURITYGUARD You can tell the police all about it.
KRAMER(CALLING OUT) Jerry!
ELAINEJerry!
GEORGEUnbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
ELAINEMaybe he went to one of the other levels. I'll go look for him.
GEORGEOh now you're gonna go? ELAINE I'll be back in five minutes.
GEORGEIf you go now, I know what's gonna happen. We'll find the car, Jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you.
ELAINENo, no, I'll be back.
GEORGEOh what's the difference? We'll all be dead eventually.
KRAMERDoes that bother you?
GEORGEYeah, it bothers me. Doesn't it bother you?
KRAMERNot at all.
GEORGESee now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. How could it not bother you?
KRAMERI once saw this thing on T.V. with people who are terminally ill. And they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment.
GEORGEYeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?
JERRYFirst of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
SECURITYGUARD I know what you did.
JERRYOh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating.
JERRY(CONT'D) And you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. That's all it is.
SECURITYGUARD Yeah I'm sure.
JERRYYou know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.
ELAINEAnd now he's gone. I'm sure he's looking for the car. Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.
MAN#1 I can't do it.
ELAINEBut why? Why can't you do it?
MAN#1 I can't.
ELAINENo, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
MAN#1 That's right.
ELAINEBut why? Why don't you want to?
MAN#1 I don't know.
ELAINEBut wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
MAN#1 No, I wouldn't.
CUT TOACT TWO SCENE G INT. SECURITY SHACK - JERRY (A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen.
JERRY(CONT'D) What I haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison for the past fourteen years.
KRAMERThe guy's got a fat fetish. Spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds.
GEORGE(NOT INTERESTED) Really.
KRAMERWhat does he do with all that fat? Does he just jump up and down on it? Does he gouge it like Killer Kowalski?
GEORGEWho's Killer Kowalski?
KRAMERHe was a wrestler. He would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave.
GEORGEI've gotta go to the bathroom.
KRAMERSo go. GEORGE Here?
KRAMER(SHAKING HIS HEAD) You and Jerry.
GEORGEDon't you believe me? It's their fiftieth anniversary. You know this is gonna kill him. You're aware of that. Kill him. On the biggest night of his life...
SECURITYGUARD Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?
NOW GEORGE SPOTS JERRY. SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D) (TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison? GEORGE (TO JERRY, SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED) A Red Chinese prison? CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE K INT. PARKING GARAGE - KRAMER, WANDERING AIMLESSLY. KRAMER George! George! CUT TO: ACT TWO SCENE L INT. PARKING GARAGE - ELAINE Jerry! THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH... DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE M INT. PARKING GARAGE - JERRY AND GEORGE ARE BACK IN THE GARAGE EACH HOLDING THEIR SUMMONS.
JERRYWell what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy.
JERRYWell General Chang was a very flamboyant man. A complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook.
ELAINE(O.C.) Jerry! JERRY Elaine?!
ELAINE(O.C.) Jerry! Over here...
ELAINE(CONT'D) Where have you been? JERRY I was arrested for urinating.
GEORGE(PROUDLY) Me too.
ELAINEYou what?
JERRYI have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.
ELAINELook at my fish... JERRY EXAMINES IT... ELAINE (CONT'D) Is he... JERRY No, but he's not looking good... ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR...
ELAINE(DESPERATE) Please, we can't find our car. Please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. My fish are dying.
MAN#2 Can't do it.
ELAINEI can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. But what about the fish? The fish?
MAN#3 Sorry. THEY KEEP WALKING.
ELAINEThat's right, go. Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I'm really impressed.
ELAINE(CONT'D) That's right you heard me. You got a problem with that?
GEORGEElaine, shut-up.
JERRYHey, where's Kramer?
GEORGEI don't know. (TO ELAINE) Where's Kramer?
ELAINEI thought he was with you.
GEORGESee, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen...
GEORGE(CONT'D) Look at the time, that's it.
ELAINEHave we looked over there? Have we checked that side? GEORGE We came in over there!
ELAINEWe didn't come in over there! JERRY Where's Kramer?
JERRYHey George, there she is again. ...
GEORGESo what do you want me to do? JERRY Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
GEORGEThat is an opening.
GEORGE(CONT'D) Excuse me...I really... What's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if...
AMY Oh sure, I'll drive you around.
GEORGEYou will?
AMY Sure.
GEORGEThanks a lot. I'm really late. My parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here.
AMY I wouldn't want to get lost in here. It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.
GEORGEYeah, right.
JERRYFilthy pigs.
GEORGEIt's a blue Honda...
AMY This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.
ELAINEHi, I'm Elaine.
JERRYJerry.
AMY Hello.
ELAINEIt's very nice of you to do this. I've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me.
AMY I'm happy to do it. (TO GEORGE) I'm Amy.
GEORGEHi Amy, I'm George.
GEORGE(TALKING IN PASSENGER WINDOW) I didn't mean anything by it. I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard! I didn't know you were...
GEORGE(CONT'D) ...with that group.
ELAINE(SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?
JERRYBoy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive.
ELAINEI'll say.
ELAINEWhat is it? THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT: ELAINE (CONT'D) The car!
JERRYThe car!
GEORGEThe car!
ELAINEWe found it. I can't believe it!
GEORGEKramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!
JERRYKramer!
JERRYKramer.
KRAMERJerry?
JERRYYeah, over here.
KRAMERBoy I had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. I looked everywhere. I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was?
GEORGEPurple 23.
KRAMERIt's purple 23. Remember that.
GEORGESometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down.
KRAMERWhat time is it?
GEORGESeven forty-five.
KRAMERWell at least there's no traffic.
GEORGERight.
KRAMERWhat time does that play start? GEORGE Eight o'clock.
KRAMERThat might be a problem. (TO ELAINE) Where's your little bag of...
KRAMER(CONT'D) Oh...(TAKES OUT PARKING STUB) Boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. You know how long we were here?
[END SHOW]