The Cafe

[Opening monologue.]

There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.'

[George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.]

GeorgeShe thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice.

JerryThis is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.

GeorgeWhy is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

JerryWhat's that smell? What are you wearing?

GeorgeLittle cologne.

JerryManly.

GeorgeMonica wants me to wear it.

JerrySo why didn't you say no?

GeorgeI'm too nice.

JerryPoor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.

GeorgeShe wants me to take an IQ test.

JerryThat's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

GeorgeNo, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig.

JerryI've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.

GeorgeYou know, I can't talk to you anymore.

JerryAll right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.

GeorgeYeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.

JerryWho thinks you're smart?

GeorgeI'm not going to break a hundred in this thing.

JerryWhat thing?

GeorgeYou don't listen when people talk to you anymore!

JerryOh, the IQ thing...yeah.

GeorgeI'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

JerryWhat did you get?

GeorgeWhat did I get or what do I say I got?

JerryWhat do you say?

GeorgeI say fourteen o nine (1409).

Jerry1409, that's a good score.

GeorgeYou're telling me.

JerryWhat did you really get?

GeorgeYou are my friend.

JerryOf course.

GeorgeI tell you everything, right?

JerryI hope so.

GeorgeWell, this I take to the grave.

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.]

JerryHe's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in.

ElaineWhy do you keep watching?

JerryI don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.

ElaineAnd then you flush.

JerryWell, it's a spider.

ElaineYou know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.

[Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.]

ElaineYou have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.

JerryBazooka Joe.

[Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.]

JerryThe buzzer.

ElaineIt's your house.

JerryMy house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah?

IntercomIt's George.

JerryCome on up.

ElaineCasus belli.

JerryWhat's that?

ElaineIt's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.

JerryGo in, go in!

ElaineHave you gone in there?

JerryNo, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him.

[George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.]

GeorgeHi.

JerryYou know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.

[Elaine sniffs around.]

GeorgeI'm wearing some cologne, all right?

ElaineSure, fine.

JerryCasus belli.

ElaineCasus belli.

GeorgeWhat's that?

ElaineSince when do you wear cologne?

GeorgeWhy what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.

JerryHey, how did you do on that IQ test?

GeorgeI didn't take it yet.

ElaineWhat IQ test?

GeorgeWhat's casus belli.

JerryOh, it's nothing...

GeorgeIs it about me?

JerryWhy must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

ElaineIt's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?

JerryThis woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course.

ElaineOh, that sounds like fun.

GeorgeYeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.

ElaineYou'll do well, you're smart.

JerryNo see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.

ElaineWhat did you get on your SAT's?

GeorgeIt varies.

JerryYou know, I don't even know my IQ.

ElaineMine's 145.

George145!

JerryGet out of here!

ElaineYou get out of here!

JerryYou get out of here!

GeorgeYou should take the test for me.

JerryWell, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.

GeorgeYeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we do that again?

ElaineWhat?

GeorgeYou could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.

ElaineAre you serious?

GeorgeWhy not?

ElaineWhere would I take the test?

GeorgeI don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here or go to the coffee shop.

ElaineNo, that would be too noisy.

JerryTake it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

ElaineHey, what do you think?

JerryHey, I love a good caper.

ElaineYeah, that's what is is, a caper.

GeorgeYou'll do it?

ElaineWhat the hey.

GeorgeYeaah, beautiful...[They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.] Sorry...

[Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.]

Babu BhattWelcome to the Dream Cafe.

JerryWell, I've been looking forward to it.

BabuOh, how did you hear about us?

JerryEh, people, people are talking.

BabuSmoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both.

JerryNon smoking would be great.

BabuVery good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure.

JerryThank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]

BabuOur specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

JerryWell, what do you recommend my good fellow?

BabuOh, the turkey.

JerryOh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many years.

BabuYou're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...

Jerry thinksVery kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a nobel price?

[George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.]

GeorgeYou go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.

MonicaBut why?

GeorgeI can't concentrate in front of you.

MonicaOh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.

GeorgeAre you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence.

MonicaWell, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

GeorgeWell, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please.

MonicaGood luck.

GeorgeDon't need it.

[Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.]

ElaineWhat's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 minutes.

GeorgeI'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this.

ElaineAll right, what time do you want me back here.

GeorgeEh, twenty to three.

ElaineOk.

GeorgeThanks again.

ElaineAll right.

GeorgeAnd don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius.

[Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.]

JerryThank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.

BabuIt is in deed my pleasure.

JerryOh, please...

[Elaine comes in.]

BabuOh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today...

ElaineOh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.

BabuTea and toast.

JerryEat something! Babu...

ElaineUm, ok, I'll have the rigatoni.

BabuOh, very good choice. Very good.

[Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.]

JerryOh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.

ElaineI know.

[Kramer comes in.]

KramerHey.

JerryHey.

KramerOh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...

ElaineHey.

KramerThis guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.

JerrySo?

KramerWell, I'm not giving it back.

JerryWhy not?

KramerBecause I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him?

[Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.]

KramerOh, gees...

ElaineYeah, ok...[takes the test and goes to another table.]

KramerAnyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?

JerryStatute.

KramerWhat?

JerryStatute of limitations. It's not a statue.

KramerNo, statue.

JerryFine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

KramerJust wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?

ElaineStatute.

KramerOh, I really think you're wrong.

ElaineLook, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long of time.

KramerWhat test?

ElaineAn IQ test.

KramerWhy do you take an IQ test?

ElaineIt's for George.

KramerGeorge?

ElaineYeah, can I...can I explain it to you later?

KramerWhy are you taking an IQ test for George?

ElaineWould you please?!

KramerWhat, is it for a job or something?

ElaineLater!

KramerYou're positive it's statute?

ElaineYes, yes!

BabuWelcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...[gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.]

[Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.]

MonicaGeorge?

GeorgeYeah?

MonicaThe door is locked.

GeorgeOh, it's locked?

MonicaI need to get something.

GeorgeMonica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer.

MonicaGeorge!

GeorgeWish I could.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.]

BabuLadadeeda, laadadeeda....

ElaineBabu! If you don't mind?

[Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.]

ElaineOh my God! It's all over the test!

BabuOh, I'm terribly sorry.

ElaineOh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway.

BabuPlease, forgive me, please...

JerryGo ahead, I'll take care of it.

BabuI'm very sorry. Tell your friends!

JerryIt's all right, she was cheating anyway.

BabuYou're a very kind man.

JerryBabu, you're Pakistani?

BabuYes, Pakistani, yes.

JerryBabu, may I say something?

BabuOf course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen.

JerryI'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans for example.

BabuBut there are no Pakistani people here.

JerryDoesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.

BabuYes, you see everything, don't you?

JerryWell, not everything. I do what I can.

BabuI'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, very special.

[Babu leaves]

Jerry thinkingI am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

[Elaine is giving the test back to George.]

ElaineIt was an accident.

GeorgeWhat did you go on a picnic?

ElaineBabu Bhatt did it.

GeorgeBabu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?

MonicaTime's up George.

GeorgeOk. [George opens the door.] Here you go.

MonicaHow did you do?

GeorgePiece of cake.

MonicaWhat happened to the test?

GeorgeWhat? I spilled some food on it.

MonicaFood? What food?

GeorgeWhat are you talking about?

MonicaWhere did you get food?

GeorgeFrom my pocket.

MonicaWhat?

GeorgeI eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

MonicaAnd coffee?

GeorgeYeah, had some coffee, yeah.

MonicaWhere did you get the coffee?

GeorgeWhere did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.

MonicaHow did you get there?

GeorgeI walked.

MonicaHow did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.

GeorgeI climbed out the window.

MonicaYou climbed out the window?

GeorgeOf course.

MonicaWhy didn't you go out the door?

GeorgeThe door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.

MonicaYou are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign on the window: Closed for renovation.]

JerryMost people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.

ElaineYou're very special.

[Kramer enters.]

KramerHey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.

JerryOf course, I always do.

KramerNo, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.

ElaineJust give it back to him.

KramerOh, he'll have to kill me. [leaves.]

[Jerry sees George from the window.]

JerryHey Georgie!

GeorgeComing up.

JerryHow did you do on the IQ test?!

George85!

JerryWhat?!!

George85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

[Jerry laughs.]

Elaine85?

JerryWell, well, well...

ElaineHe's coming up?

JerryWell, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

ElaineYeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

JerryWell, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

[George comes in looking angry.]

GeorgeOh, hello professor.

ElaineGeorge, I cannot believe...

GeorgePlease...

ElaineNo there has got be a mistake.

GeorgeYou should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

JerryBut an 85?

ElaineThere were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry mockingIt was a madhouse.

ElaineJerry! It was! Let me take it again.

GeorgeWhow, forget it.

ElaineOh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?

GeorgeYou could do worst!

ElaineNo, no, I guarantee it.

GeorgeAll right, I'll ask her.

ElaineOk, now where I'm going to take it.

JerryTake it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.]

JerryWell, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

BabuYou see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money.

JerryI think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.

BabuYou wish to eat?

JerryLet me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works.

BabuVery good.

Jerry thinkingVery good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.]

[Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.]

[Jerry's monologue.]

You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the circle ok?

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.]

[Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.]

ElaineWhat are you doing?

KramerQuiet. Shh, don't say anything.

ElaineWhat's going on?

Man behind the doorHey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. [Bangs on the door] Open up Kramer!

ElaineWhy did you come in here for?

KramerI thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

ElaineWell Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.

KramerI thought you took the test.

ElaineI had to take it again.

KramerHow come?

ElaineWhat's the difference?!!

KramerWell, you can't leave now.

ElaineWhat?

Man behind the doorCome on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!

KramerNever!

[Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.]

MonicaGeorge, open up.

[George opens the door.]

MonicaWell?

[George shakes her hand.]

GeorgeHow' you doing?

MonicaWhere's the test?

GeorgeYou know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...

[Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.]

JerryBabu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?

BabuThe shrimp is stringy?

JerryWell, maybe your refrigerator...

BabuQuiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!

JerryYou know, I think I'll just take the check.

BabuYou bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]

Jerry thinkingBad man? Could've my mother been wrong?

[Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open.]

MonicaAre you looking for George?

ElaineWell eh, kind of....

MonicaGeorge left.

ElaineOh.

MonicaIs that the test?

ElaineOh, this...emm...yeah...here you go.

MonicaThanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time.

ElaineActually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entreat.

[At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.] [George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.]

JerryYou know what it was, bad location.

GeorgeLets not stand here, we might run in to her.

JerryAren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

KramerYeah...

JerryOh, I'm sorry.

KramerI'm going upstairs.

[Elaine comes.]

ElaineHey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.

Jerry151?

GeorgeThat's a good score.

JerrySo, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

GeorgeItalian.

ElaineNo, Chinese.

JerryYou know, what would be great?

[George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.]

[Closing monologue.]

It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"

[END SHOW]