An anonymous seductive voice on Jerry's comedy tape sends the gang into a frenzy — while George hunts a Chinese baldness cure.
Jerry....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant?
Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know
keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "We got the hair but I think we lost
the Zest."
....rejects the transplant with organs.
Is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . Guy just standin' there and suddenly...
..Bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt.
Jerry's apartment. A repairman is working on his fridge , Jerry doing work with headphones on.
Repairman.....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.
JerryAh..ha!.. really. <em class="inline-stage">( Jerry is barely listening to him )</em>
RepairmanSo I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you <em class="inline-stage">(stutters)</em> you've got some discoloration
JerryOh! well whatever you have to do.
RepairmanI was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">(sarcastically)</em> No you don't..
George enters the apartment.
GeorgeHey! what are listening to?
JerryMy show from last night.
GeorgeOh! you taped it?
JerryYeah , I was doing new material.
GeorgeHey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .
JerryHuh?
GeorgeYeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so
big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
JerryThe" coup d-toe"
GeorgeYeah. Did you do it?
JerryYeah!
GeorgeSo?
JerryNothin'.....nothing at all.
GeorgeNeed to use the phone.
JerryWho you calling?
GeorgeChina.
JerryChina really?
GeorgeYeah. I'll pay for it.
JerryWhat for?
GeorgeWhat for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair.
JerryHair?
GeorgeThe Chinese have done it my friend . The Chinese have done it.
JerryDone what?
GeorgeDiscovered a cure for baldness.
RepairmanDid you see that last night?
GeorgeIt was on CNN <em class="inline-stage">( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder)</em> This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau.
has discovered a cure for baldness.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">( to Kramer)</em> What's this?
KramerWell I just got it. Spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist.
GeorgeIs that the guy who likes fat women?
JerryDoesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism.
Kramer<em class="inline-stage">( to George)</em> You , you know what you should've done is watching that report on CNN last night.
GeorgeI did, I'm trying to call China.
KramerYou can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there
Jerry; Oh! my God!....
GeorgeWhat?
JerryOh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to
me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life.
Listen to this.
George<em class="inline-stage">(George puts on the headphones)</em> Oh! my god...
KramerGive me it..<em class="inline-stage">( tries to pull them off George's head)</em>
GeorgeWa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?
JerryI don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.
GeorgeThis is like a Penthouse letter...Why can't I meet women like this?
KramerAll right Come on....again attempts to pull headphones off)
GeorgeWAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder?
JerryIt was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it.
GeorgeMy god!!!
KramerC'mon it's my turn.
GeorgeAll right, All right, all, right!!<em class="inline-stage">( gives the headphones to Kramer)</em> How you gonna find out who this is?
JerryGood question.
KramerWhere's the volume..<em class="inline-stage">(finds it)</em> A, YAI..YA...YA..YA!!!!
GeorgeWhat do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?
JerryIf it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen.
ElaineHi boys.
BothHello...
ElaineWhat's happening?
JerryTell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
GeorgeThis woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder......
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">(pushes George)</em> NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
GeorgeWhat??
JerryThe Chinese , the Chinese bald cure.
GeorgeI thought you meant the..
JerryNo I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.
ElaineWhat did she say?
PeterSeinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the
table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk)
JerryHey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf.<em class="inline-stage">( leaves table)</em>
ElaineSo did you hear this message?
GeorgeOh!, he he, It was unbelievable
ElaineReally!
GeorgeYeah. I can't get over it.
ElaineHuh! Sexy?
GeorgeThis woman drove us out of our minds
ElaineLike ...humm...How did she sound?
GeorgeShe had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper.
ElaineReally , like a... like a....<em class="inline-stage">(leans over to George and whispers)</em> Jerry, I want to slide my tongue
around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....
GeorgeOh! my God!!......You?.....You?...That was you?....
ElaineShhhhhh!!!
Georgehow did ya?...
ElaineI stopped at the club to see him and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?,
and there was this tape recorder there and I.....got this impulse. Ha Ha Ha Ha....What?
GeorgeOh! no no nothing....
ElaineNow listen , promise me you won't tell him Okay.I want to have a little fun with this.
GeorgeI had no Idea you were filled with such....sexuality..
ElaineOh! That was nothing. So listen, what about this bald thing?
GeorgeAh! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing
Jerry comes back
JerryRemember Peter?
GeorgePeter?
JerryYou remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this
jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
ElaineSo listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder?
JerryOh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
ElaineI don't know.
JerryShe went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults.
Things you would know very little about.
ElaineOh! really.
JerryWell this type of things is very common when you're in show business.
ElaineSo what, Are you gonna ask her out.
JerryNo I can't she didn't leave her name or number.
ElaineBummer...Okay , good luck finding her . I'm taking off.
GeorgeWh.. Where you going?
ElaineHome.
GeorgeWhy you going home for?
ElaineWell , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.
JerrySure.
Back to Jerry's
GeorgeOh! my god. Oh! man...
JerryI don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">(coming out of the shower in a bathrobe)</em> May be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off
the George Washington Bridge.
George<em class="inline-stage">(phone rings ,picks up)</em> Operator? Beijing?
JerryWhy are you doing this?
GeorgeWhy do I do anything? tsss...For women.
JerryElaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?
ElaineNo.
JerryYou know what that makes you?...A baldist.
GeorgeOh. This I need. Hello!! Hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...Does anyone speak English?
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">( to Kramer who just got in with his camcorder)</em> Ooooh! You're taping.
KramerJust be yourselves. <em class="inline-stage">( Elaine plays with her hair flirtingly)</em>
ElaineAah! Okaaay.
KramerWell we're talking with Elaine Benes; Adult film star on the set of her new picture "Elaine does the Upper
West side"
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">( to the camera)</em> Hi. How 're you doin'?
KramerI'm doin' fine.
GeorgeDo you speak English?...English!!
KramerWhooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?
JerryWell yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed
that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.
GeorgeEnglish. Does anybody speak English .Nobody speaks English.
KramerSo What scene are you ready to shoot now , Elaine?
GeorgeIn this scene my co-star who's right over here <em class="inline-stage">( goes over to George who is still on the phone)</em>
Follow meeeee... is George Costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome
and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.
Door buzzer rings
KramerThat's my Chinese food...So George is this your first movie with Elaine?
George<em class="inline-stage">(visibly disturbed)</em> I...I..I dunno.
KramerSo Elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated?
ElaineOh. it's always simulated....except with George that's in my contract.
GeorgeAll right, Kramer that's it.....<em class="inline-stage">( pushes the camera)</em> Hello . English. Does anyone speak English
Kramer<em class="inline-stage">( to the Chinese delivery boy)</em> How much do I owe you?
Ping$15.90.
Kramer$15.90.?
GeorgeHuh. Excuse me <em class="inline-stage">(to Ping)</em> Hum... Do you speak chinese?
PingChinese....Yeah.
GeorgeLook...humm..I'm on with Beijing with the hair restauration clinic. Could you talk to them for
me and tell them I'd like to place an order.
Ping<em class="inline-stage">(sounds like)</em> Gwen , Ayon. Wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.<em class="inline-stage">( looks at George and laughs)</em>
GeorgeThey got a billion people over there and he found a relative.
PingAh Fuka suma. If you send money they send cream.
GeorgeThey send me? Aw right ..ask 'em Does it really work?
PingGym a gun sen tokomo. Chin che .They say you grow hair, Look a like Stalin
GeorgeAsk' em Are there any side effects?
PingDowe o futo yum.... Impotence. ....<em class="inline-stage">( makes a just kidding gesture)</em>
GeorgeAw! Funny he's a funny guy.
PingGet a money order from the Bank of China , be here three days after they get check.
George leaves all excited.
Ping<em class="inline-stage">(continues his phone call)</em> Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher...
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">( as Ping rambles on )</em> ...S'cuse me <em class="inline-stage">( Ping looks up)</em> Kind of an expensive call.
On a street at night in George's car
ElaineThanks for driving me home. What did I do to deserve this?
GeorgeYoohoo ,Plenty......Wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in?
ElaineWell ya. I guess so Why? You wanna do something?
Georgeyeah....euh...I dunno What?
ElainePffft....there's really nothing to do.
George<em class="inline-stage">( becoming more and more awkward)</em> Yeah.....
ElaineDo you think of anything?..
GeorgeNo, no....<em class="inline-stage">(mumbles)</em>
ElaineI am up for anything.
GeorgeReally...<em class="inline-stage">(he honks the car and is startled, Elaine laughs)</em>......I have to say...You were really good
doing that porno thing....you're talented.
ElaineI was just kiddin, around.......
GeorgeI thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . That was really funny.
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">( feeling awkward as well)</em> Yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?.
George; So all right I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.
ElaineOkay...Thanks a lot for the ride.
Elaine gets out of the car , George tries to catch his breath.
Back to Jerry's.
Jerry..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye.
HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly
erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely...
KramerWhat is that?
JerryThat's my cockney accent.
kramer: Naw ,na , that's no good.
JerryLets hear yours.
KramerNot bloody likely..
JerryThat's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.<em class="inline-stage">( George enters)</em> Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I
got.
George; Guess, what I got.
JerryOh! Is that the bald stuff?
GeorgeFrom China. All the way from China.
KramerWait,wait wait...Let me get the camera.
GeorgeNo Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe
in the Chinese.
JerryYes I am skeptical.
GeorgeWhy do you have to be so suspicious of every one. This is a great man Zeng Zau, he wants to help bald people.
KramerW..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch
how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right.
JerryMake sure you get this area here, where he needs the help....
GeorgeAll right, all right <em class="inline-stage">( Goes to the bathroom)</em>
KramerHe's a happy camper huh?
JerryHappy camper , I don't hear that expression enough.
Kramer; Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.
JerryYeah.
KramerMy mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud
JerryNo kidding?
KramerHe's in jail.
JerryWhat happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
KramerThat's what I intend to find out. <em class="inline-stage">(George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head)</em>
JerryYou can see it. You gonna walk around like that?
KramerIt stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink.
JerryHow long are you suppose to leave it on for?
GeorgeAll day. <em class="inline-stage">( phone rings , Jerry picks up)</em>
JerryHello.
ElaineIt's Elaine Marie Benes.
JerryWell Hello..
ElaineHello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?
JerryYes , I got her number.
GeorgeIs that Elaine?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeHI ELAINE...
ElaineI guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night?
JerryWell , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business
ElaineWell listen I'm going to <em class="inline-stage">(?)</em> do you want me to stop by?
GeorgeDid she say Hello?
JerryWhat? I dunno.
GeorgeI mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?
JerryI don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos.
GeorgeIsn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?
JerryShe's coming up.
GeorgeElaine's coming up?
JerryYeah. What's wrong, why? <em class="inline-stage">( George runs back to the bathroom)</em>
KramerHow often do you cut your toe nails?
JerryI would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
Kramer'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle
with my big toe.
JerryThe big toe; The captain.
KramerWhat?
Jerry; The captain of the toes. ( phone rings) Hello.
ElaineJerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.
JerryOkay....too bad.
ElaineSo humm....When you gonna call her?
JerrySoon as I get off the phone wih you.
ElaineGood luck.
Jerryokay , bye <em class="inline-stage">( to George)</em> What happened , did you take it off?
GeorgeYeah, that was enough.
JerryThat's it, you gave up?
GeorgeNo No I'm working on a system...Who was that?
JerryThat was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over.
As Jerry dials the girls number, George races to the bathroom one more time.
AliciaHello.
JerryHello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld.
AliciaYeah.
jerry: This is Jerry Seinfeld.
Cuts to commercial. Back to Jerry's after an implied date with Alicia
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">(to Kramer)</em> ...<em class="inline-stage">( words missing)</em>...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night I go for
a little contact. I get the PULL BACK. This woman said the filthiest things I've ever heard in
my life. I get the Pull Back.
Door buzzer
JerryYeah..
GeorgeIt's George.
JerryCome on up . <em class="inline-stage">(looks at his watch)</em> ...What's he doing here now?
KramerSo , you blew it?
JerryShe must be psychotic or something.
KramerLet me have her number.
JerryI'm not giving you her number.
KramerI know how to handle these psychotics.
George comes in wearing a huge cowboy hat.
JerrySheriff?........What's with the hat?
Kramer<em class="inline-stage">(George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again)</em> Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.
JerryWhat are doing here now?
GeorgeI have to talk to you about something .
KramerAll right lets take a look to see what we got <em class="inline-stage">( examines George's head)</em> Wait a second..
I think I see something here George. Lets go to the videotape.
GeorgeAahh..No..No..
JerryWhat's up?
GeorgeI can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.
JerrySo just start it.
GeorgeI can't.
JerryOh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there.
C'mon so what is this about?
GeorgeAll right.........I've become attracted to Elaine..
Kramer burst in with is video setup.
Kramer; All right....Sit down George.
GeorgeKramer, can we do this later..
KramerNo, I got the tape right here.
JerryKramer, let's do this later.
Kramer<em class="inline-stage">(ignoring them)</em> Now.. This is the tape that we made earlier and I think ,that I see. a couple of buds
right here.
GeorgeReally? ..You think.
JerryKramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please.
Kramer'bout what?
JerryIt's kinda private.
KramerLike the big toe captain..
GeorgeSo now you're doing my bits?
JerryI'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!
KramerOkay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.<em class="inline-stage">( leaves)</em>
JerryDoes she know?
GeorgeNO!!
JerryHow did it happen?
GeorgeI can't say.
JerryWell, why can't you say it?
GeorgeBecause I promised her.
JerryI thought you just said she doesn't know??
GeorgeShe doesn't.
JerrySo how can you promise her?
GeorgeBecause she asked me to.
JerryWhat is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
GeorgeAll right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice
on your tape recorder.
JerryWhat, Elaine?
GeorgeYeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">(picks up the headphones)</em> That was Elaine...
GeorgeWell let me hear....<em class="inline-stage">( they struggle for the headphones)</em>
JerryWait a second. .Just give me a second
GeorgeYou heard it fifty times already.
JerryShe's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence
Door Buzzer
JerryYeaaaah!!!
ElaineHi, It's Elaine is this a bad time?
George grabs his hat and rushes to the bathroom again.
George<em class="inline-stage">( Yelling from the bathroom)</em> Don't tell her anything , she'll kill me!!
JerryOkay, Okay ,I promise. <em class="inline-stage">( puts on the headphones again)</em> Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God..
Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa ( Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly)
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">( Concerned)</em> What's the matter?
JerryOooh! I got a pain in my side.
Elaine<em class="inline-stage">( to George returning)</em> Hi George. Something stinks in here.<em class="inline-stage">( George motions to Jerry, she nods)</em>
JerryWhat are you doing here?
ElaineI was the one who talked into your tape recorder.
Jerry; I know, George told me.
Elaine; You told him!!!!
GeorgeHe..He threatened me.
JerryWhere did you come up with all that stuff?
ElaineThat was nothing.
GeorgeElaine.. I have to tell you something...
JerryGeorge NO!!
GeorgeNo no no no no no no..
JerryGeorge I'm telling ya..
ElaineWhat is it?
GeorgeI'm very attracted to you..
JerryAye......
Kramer comes in and yells
KramerI'VE FOUND A HAIR!!! Yes <em class="inline-stage">( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape)</em>
Hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this.
GeorgeEver since I found out that you let that message on Jerry's tape recorder I...
Credits start to roll
KramerWhoa!!!....That was you?
ElaineIt was a joke...
KramerWait..<em class="inline-stage">( picks up the walkman)</em> Oh my god...Oh yeah....Elaine , I can't believe that that is
you.
ElaineAah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the Daltons ,all looking at her
with lust.) I think I'll get going...
GeorgeHeuh. huh. Stick around a while.
JerryIt's early.
KramerWe'll order Chinese.
She leaves and they all scramble for the tape recorder.
[END SHOW]