Jerry and Elaine get stranded at a Long Island party after George ditches them — then the party ends up back at Jerry's apartment.
So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"
First scene. Jerry and George are in a drug store.
JerryHow did you get fleas?
GeorgeBecause my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.
JerryMaybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.
GeorgeThat's not funny. So, are you coming to the party?
JerryI'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"
GeorgeYou know Ava's gonna be there.
JerryWho?
GeorgeThe nice one that works in my office.
JerryNah.
GeorgeI'll drive.
JerryOh, well, now you're talking.
GeorgeIt's supposed to be a good party.
JerryWhat does that mean, good dip?
GeorgeNo, there'll be girls there.
JerryThere's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?
GeorgeThere's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? <em class="inline-stage">(They each grab a box and check the ingredients)</em> You got propylparabin?
JerryGot it.
GeorgeYou got isobutane-30?
JerryI got isobutane-20.
GeorgeA-ha.
JerryYou got sorbitant sesquioliate?
GeorgeGot it.
JerryI have aloe!
GeorgeYou got aloe? I love aloe.
JerryWhere do they make yours?
GeorgeJersey.
JerryWhite Plains.
George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry and they go to the check out counter. Two women are standing at the magazine rack in the background.
JerryGirls. There's girls right here in the store. Look, look, there's one over there. Look, there's another one. Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there. What's the matter?
GeorgeI gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.
JerryAre you sure? Oh boy, here we go.
George (to the cashier): Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.
CashierYou gave me a ten.
GeorgeI'm positive I gave you a twenty.
CashierI know what you gave me.
GeorgeYou owe me ten dollars.
CashierWill you please step aside? Next?
GeorgeAlright, let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? Or you--
CashierYou.
GeorgeNo, no, no, see you're not really listening.
Security GuardWhat's the problem here?
GeorgeNo problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.
CashierHe's claiming short.
Security GuardAlright, let's just take it outside.
GeorgeOh, so you don't believe me either?
Security GuardCome on, let's go.
GeorgeYou haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. Alright, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.
ElaineWell don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.
JerryNo, let's survey first. Camp here.
George (waving): Eva.
A beautiful woman starts walking over.
JerryWhat could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.
AvaSo, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.
GeorgeOh no you didn't. Get out, when?
AvaYesterday
GeorgeI don't believe it.
AvaAsk Mark.
GeorgeMark, is this true?
A man across the room nods. George and Ava walk towards him.
JerryYeah, this has got disaster written all over it.
ElaineHow did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.
JerryNow listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
ElaineHow old are you?
JerryThirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting.
ElaineWhatever you want.
Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.
GuyYou came all the way out from Manhattan for this?
JerryYeah, yeah I did.
GuySo what do you do?
Jerry (Patting his head): I'm a comedian.
GuyAre you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry (still Patting): I hear a voice.
GuyWhat kind of voice?
JerryA man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
GuyHow come you keep tapping your head.
JerryIt's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
GuyOn the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver. The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something.
Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.
GuyYa know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.
Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'. She's still tapping madly.
GuyI've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.
ElaineYeah, me too.
GuyNow is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.
GeorgeHow's it going?
JerryGreat, how about you?
GeorgeI can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.
JerryHow do you account for this?
GeorgeI don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.
JerryWell, she obviously liked you all along.
GeorgeNo, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him."
JerryAnyway, I'm ready to go.
GeorgeNow?
JerryIf not now, when?
GeorgeGimme a half-hour.
JerryOkay, half-hour.
GuyPeanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...
Jerry (interrupting): Can I talk to you for a second?
ElaineOh, excuse me. <em class="inline-stage">(gets up to talk with Jerry)</em> What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.
JerryHey, I was dying over there.
ElaineThis guy's going off on the peanut. Now pay attention.
Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.
EllenYeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of every day things, right?
JerryRight.
EllenYeah, I remember you.
Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman.
WomanI wonder what happened to my fianc. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fianc?
EllenHe's upstairs.
WomanAre you going upstairs? Tell my fianc I'm looking for him. I have lost my fianc, the poor baby.
ElaineMaybe the dingo ate your baby.
WomanWhat?
ElaineThe dingo ate your baby!
JerryYou ready?
GeorgeListen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.
JerryI do favors.
GeorgeI think something's happening here.
JerryWhat?
GeorgeI think she wants me to take her home.
JerryWow.
GeorgeWhat should I do?
JerryGo! What could you do?
GeorgeWhat about you and Elaine?
JerryWe'll get a ride.
GeorgeAre you sure?
JerryWe'll be fine, what did she say?
GeorgeShe told me she wants-- <em class="inline-stage">(Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)</em> She told me she wants me to make love to her.
JerryWhat? She said that?
GeorgeYeah.
JerryGet out of here.
GeorgeI swear.
JerryWhat did you say?
GeorgeI, I, I can't.
JerryWhat did you say?
GeorgePlease, it's--
JerryWhat?
GeorgeI... I... I long for you.
JerryI long for you?
GeorgeI was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.
JerryIt's okay, that's not bad.
GeorgeI don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
JerryReally?
GeorgeThat's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
JerryOh, come on.
GeorgeI can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
JerryGeorge, you're thinking too much.
GeorgeI know, I know, I can't stop it!
ElaineWell, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.
Jerry (walking up): Pendant? Those bastards.
ElaineExcuse me.
JerryListen, George is going home with this Ava from his office
ElaineReally? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?
JerryUh, no, he's taking the car.
ElaineWell, what are we gonna do for a ride?
JerryI don't know.
ElaineYou don't know?
JerryMaybe Kramer can come pick us up.
ElaineOh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?
JerryThere's nothing I could do, it's part of the code.
Mid-episode monologue
All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are, I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?"
Elaine (noticing Ava in a fur): Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?
JerryYeah, yeah, alright.
ElaineI can't believe she's walking around in that.
JerryJust don't make a scene.
ElaineHey, is that real fur?
JerryOh boy.
EvaIt better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.
GeorgeYeah, good night.
ElaineYou don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
GeorgeCould we talk about this some other time?
AvaAre you a vegetarian?
JerryHere we go.
ElaineYeah, I eat fish occasionally.
AvaSo you're a hypocrite.
GeorgeHey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway-
AvaWell, talk to me when you stop eating fish.
ElaineFish don't feel any pain.
AvaHow do you know? Do you communicate with fish?
ElaineWell, they're not kept in little cages.
AvaEver seen a goldfish?
GeorgeGoldfish.
ElaineYeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.
AvaOh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. <em class="inline-stage">(To George)</em> Let's go.
ElaineOh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
GeorgeThat's why we're here in America.
JerryYou're beautiful.
ElaineCall Kramer.
JerryAlright. <em class="inline-stage">(Approaches host)</em> Excuse me, this is your party, right?
SteveNo, I just live here.
JerryCan I use your phone?
SteveWhat's in it for me?
JerryA bigger bill?
SteveHe he, go for it.
Jerry picks up the phone and dials.
JerryKrame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions.
ElaineYou sure you don't need any help?
JennyNo, not really.
JerryI'm sure he'll be here any minute.
Jenny (To Steve): I want them out of here.
ElaineCall him again.
JerryI called, what should I do? <em class="inline-stage">(To Jenny)</em> We really appreciate this.
Jenny (To Steve): It's two o'clock in the morning.
Jerry (noticing a coffee table book): Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
ElaineSix hundred and twenty million people died.
JerryThousand.
ElaineThousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. <em class="inline-stage">(To Jerry)</em> The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions?
JerryYes. <em class="inline-stage">(To Jenny)</em> You're sure there's nothing we can do?
JennyNo! <em class="inline-stage">(To Steve)</em> I am not going to bed with them in out house, this is ridiculous.
JerryYou know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them.
ElaineHave you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason.
JennyYou know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.
JerryOh, he's coming.
JennyMaybe you should take a look at a train schedule.
Jenny sees a figure outside the kitchen window and screams.
JerryThat's him.
JennyI'm going to bed!
ElaineThanks a lot.
JerryThanks, great party.
As Jenny storms up the stairs there's a knock at the door, Steve answers.
KramerHey, how ya doing?
SteveAh, look who's here.
KramerI'm sorry.
JerryHey, it's okay.
KramerI had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window.
ElaineThen how did you find the place?
KramerWell I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173.
JerryAnyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one.
SteveNo problem.
JerryAnd if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever.
SteveHey, I might take you up on that.
Jerry (writing): Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again.
Kramer (to Elaine): You better zip up. I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.
ElaineBut it's cold out.
KramerYeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.
JerryGeorge, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye.
Jerry hangs up and grabs his coat and there's a knock at the door.
JerryWho is it?
VoiceMr. Pocatello.
JerryWho?
VoiceYou mean you don't recognize my voice?
Jerry opens the door. Steve steps in.
SteveJerry, baby!
JerryDo I know you?
SteveBoy this comedy's really frying your brain.
JerryI'm sorry, uh-
SteveSee, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.
JerryOh, okay.
SteveYou said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.
JerryYou certainly are. What's going on?
SteveI'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business.
JerryListen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend.
SteveOh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.
JerryNo, really, I just got off the phone with him.
SteveI understand.
JerryLook, you can hang out here if you want.
SteveDon't be so enthusiastic.
JerryNo, it's-
SteveI'm not gonna steal anything.
JerryNo, of course not, just close the door when you leave.
SteveI think I can do that.
JerryReally, I'm sorry. Maybe another time.
SteveYeah. Let's have lunch.
JerryThey guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone.
GeorgeYeah, me either.
JerryOh, come on.
GeorgeWhat come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?
JerryI've never had a job.
GeorgeYou know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
JerryThat's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
GeorgeAva was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.'
JerryWhat are you gonna do?
GeorgeI have no choice, I'm quitting.
Cut back to Steve sitting alone on Jerry's couch watching TV. Kramer walks in and it takes a moment for him to recognize the visitor.
KramerThe party, Long Island?
SteveKramer, right?
KramerHey, what are you doing here?
SteveI'm waiting for my ride.
KramerWhere's Jerry?
SteveHe split. Let me ask you something. Is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question?
KramerWell, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. <em class="inline-stage">(Sensing Steve's disappointment)</em> Well, but I might have something.
Cut back to Jerry and George at the drugstore. Jerry is selecting medication.
JerryAlright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good.
GeorgeHow much is that?
JerryNine sixty.
GeorgeNine sixty? Give it to me.
JerryWhy?
GeorgeDon't worry, I got it.
JerryWhat do you mean, you got it?
GeorgeI got it.
George takes the box and begins to place it in his jacket.
JerrySince when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you?
GeorgeI'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me.
JerryYou're a lunatic.
GeorgeI have to do this, it's a matter of honor.
JerryWhat do you say to a person like you?
GeorgeJust walk.
JerryOh.
A security guard approaches George.
Security GuardScuse me. What do you got there?
GeorgeWhat?
Security GuardWhat do you got in your shirt?
GeorgeOh, I was gonna pay for this.
Security Guard (grabbing George by the elbow and walking him to the counter): Come with me.
George (nervous): Where are you taking me? I was gonna pay for it.
Cashierum-hmm.
Security GuardYou don't think I remember you?
George (more nervous): What are you talking about?
Security GuardI know who you are, I was watching you.
George (panicky): What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police?
The Security Guard drags George away and Jerry steps to the counter.
JerryCan I still buy this or is this evidence now?
Cut back to Kramer and Steve, they're obviously tanked. Kramer is in the middle of a story.
KramerSo, I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turned brown! Well I followed the instructions!
They both erupt in raucous laughter.
Steve (hysterical): Ah, they turned brown!! Brown!! (the laughter winds down) So let me ask you something, you know any women we could call?
KramerNot really.
SteveMaybe we should call one of those escort services. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station.
Kramer (handing Steve the phone) 555-LOVE.
SteveHey, you want in on this?
KramerNo, I got a girl in the next building
VoiceNow I want my money, mister, and I ain't leaving until I get it. Now I am through playing games with you, I got things to do.
Steve (drunk and slurring): Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry
JerryWhat the hell?
SteveJerry, this is Patti.
JerryNice to meet you.
PattiIt's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.
JerryWhat the hell is going on here?
SteveI don't know, but I gotta do this more often. <em class="inline-stage">(The buzzer goes off)</em> Ooh, there's my ride, finally.
PattiI'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.
SteveSee ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow.
JerryOh, Kramer huh?
SteveYeah, he's a hoot. Oh, goodbye, my dear. <em class="inline-stage">(trying to kiss Patti's hand as she pulls it away)</em> Ouch. <em class="inline-stage">(To Jerry)</em> Weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party.
Steve walks out, leaving the front door open.
PattiI ain't leaving.
JerryPatti?
PattiYou got anything to drink?
JerryAlright, how much does he owe you?
PattiFifty dollars.
Jerry (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly): Fifty dollars.
In mid-payment, a police officer walks through the open door.
CopThis your apartment?
JerryYeah, but--
CopYou're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.
JerryWait a second, I--
Elaine walks in.
ElaineI brought you chicken soup. <em class="inline-stage">(To Patti)</em> Is that real fur?
Jerry (and the cop, in unison): Oh boy.
GeorgeYou had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.
JerryHe was a nice guy.
GeorgeOh, great guy.
JerryWas there a red-headed guy there?
GeorgeThe one with the long sideburns?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeWhere does he come off?
JerryYeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude.
GeorgeOne of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.
JerryOh, we all hated him.
Closing monologue.
There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to 'do me a favor.' Small favor, small pause. Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil? No pause at all. Big favors are, 'Could you do me a favor...' (huge pause, followed by closing credits.)
[END SHOW]