The Alternate Side

Opening monologue. Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.

First scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.

JerryDo you believe this? The car was parked right out front.

GeorgeWas the alarm on?

JerryI don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son.

GeorgeI don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?

JerryThey cross the wires or something.

GeorgeCross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

Kramer enters.

JerryThey stole my car.

KramerWho did?

JerryThey did.

KramerWas it more than just one?

JerryWhat should I do, should I call the police?

KramerWhat are they gonna do?

JerryI'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service.

GeorgeMaybe you should call your car phone.

JerryYeah, he's probably driving it right now.

GeorgeWait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.

JerryAre you serious?

GeorgeYeah, go ahead, call.

JerryI don't even know if I remember the number.

Jerry dials.

JerryWhat do I say if he picks up?

Car thiefHello?

JerryHello? Is this 555-8383?

Car thiefI have no idea.

JerryCan I ask you a question?

Car thiefSure.

JerryDid you steal my car?

Car thiefYes I did.

JerryYou did?!

Car thiefI did.

JerryThat's my car!

Car thiefI didn't know it was yours.

JerryWhat are you gonna do with it?

Car thiefI dunno, drive around.

JerryThen can I have it back?

Car thiefMmmm, nah, I'm gonna keep it.

Kramer gestures for Jerry to hand him the phone.

KramerHello?

Car thiefYeah, who's this?

KramerKramer.

Car thiefHello, Kramer.

KramerListen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.

Car thiefWait, hold on... Brown ones?

KramerYeah. Listen, could you mail those to me? Or bring them by my building, it's 129 West 81st St.

Car thiefOne-two-nine, okay.

KramerThanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.

Jerry (derisively at Kramer): Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?

Car thiefJerry?

JerryYeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?

Car thiefI didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.

JerrySid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully.

Car thiefJerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the--

Jerry hangs up.

JerrySid left the keys in the car.

GeorgeWho's Sid?

JerryHe's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block.

GeorgeWhat do you mean?

JerryHe moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.

GeorgeWhat, do you pay him for that?

JerryYeah, like fifty bucks a month.

GeorgeHow many people does he do that for?

JerryThe whole block, forty, fifty cars.

KramerHe only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. Course he's been doing that for years, right Jerry?

GeorgeCould anybody do that?

Sid enters.

JerryHey Sid, what happened?

SidI'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.

JerryYou left the keys in the car?

SidWell, you know they're making that Woody Allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when I saw him I must have got a little distracted.

KramerYou know I'm in that movie?

GeorgeYou are?

KramerYeah, I'm an extra.

GeorgeHow'd you get that?

KramerWell, I was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me.

GeorgeRight out of the clear blue sky?

KramerClear blue sky!

GeorgeWell, why didn't they ask me?

KramerI got a quality.

SidJerry, you got insurance, right?

JerryYeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.

SidWell I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.

JerryThis Wednesday?

SidNo, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.

JerryBut the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

SidIf I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.

GeorgeSid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?

SidWhoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.

GeorgeMaybe I could move them until you get back.

SidWhat's a young man like you want to move cars for? You don't work?

GeorgeI'm in a transition phase right now.

SidWell if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all.

Phone rings.

JerryHello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome.

New scene. Jerry and Elaine are in line at the rental car agency.

ElaineI'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels.

JerryOwen March, I never heard of him.

ElaineWell, he's not a baseball player.

JerryYeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good.

ElaineYeah. Well, there is one little problem.

JerryWhat's that?

ElaineHe's sixty-six years old.

Rental car agentNext please.

ElaineWell, go, go.

AgentCan I help you? Name please?

JerrySeinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.

AgentOkay, let's see here.

JerrySixty-six years old?

ElaineYeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.

JerryWhy do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?

ElaineWhat do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?

JerryWell, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.

AgentI'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.

JerryI don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?

AgentYes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.

JerryBut the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.

AgentI know why we have reservations.

JerryI don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

AgentLet me, uh, speak with my supervisor.

The agent goes into an office with a window in the door so she can be seen speaking with someone.

JerryUh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?

ElaineWhat?

JerryHey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking.

ElaineOh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?

JerryNow you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.

ElaineOkay, that's it. I think that's enough, see you later.

The agent returns.

AgentI'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.

JerryYeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there.

AgentBut we do have a compact if you would like that.

JerryFine.

AgentAlright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?

JerryYeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.

AgentPlease fill this out.

ElaineWhat do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?

JerryHey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.

ElaineI love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him.

New scene. Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.

ElaineI just don't enjoy being with him.

JerryWell that's what's important.

ElaineI'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?

JerryHow many times you been out with him?

ElaineSeven?

JerryFace to face.

ElaineSeven dates is a face-to-face break up?

JerryIf it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.

ElaineHmm... How's the pasta over there?

Kramer enters, as he's walking in, George rushes in, pushes him out of the way and heads for the kitchen sink.

KramerWhoa, whoa!!

JerryWhat is going on out there?

GeorgeI need like a bucket of water! I got a car overheating, I got an alarm that won't go off, I'm pressing 'one', I'm pressing 'two', nothing! What do I do?! Help me! Help me!

George runs off into the bathroom.

KramerHey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today?

ElaineToday?!

KramerYou know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.

ElaineYeah.

KramerSo I start to walk, and I trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody, Woody starts laughing.

ElaineHe was laughing?!

KramerOh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.

JerrySo then what?

KramerI got a line in the movie!

ElaineGet out!

JerryThat's great!

GeorgeYou got a line in the Woody Allen movie?

KramerPretty good, huh?

GeorgeYou're in the movie? Is he in the scene?

KramerOh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?

JerryYou mean *a* career.

ElaineSo was Mia Farrow there?

KramerUh, I didn't see him.

ElaineWhat's your line?

KramerOh, well uh, okay I'm there with, uh, Woody, you know, I'm at this bar and, uh, I'm sit-- you know it's Woody Allen, did I mention that?

The other three impatiently encourage Kramer to continue.

KramerSo I'm sitting there with Woody and I say, I turn to him and I go, "Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

GeorgeIs that how you're gonna say it?

KramerNo, no, I'm working on it.

ElaineDo it like this. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

JerryNo. "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

KramerNo, no. See, that's no good. See, you don't know how to act.

George"These pretzels are making me thirsty!!"

Jerry pinches his nose.

GeorgeThat was no good?

KramerI didn't say anything.

ElaineI'm gonna go break up with Owen.

GeorgeWhat was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!

George storms out.

New scene. Still Jerry's apartment, some time later. There's a pounding on the door, Jerry opens it and Elaine enters with an unconscious older man.

JerryOh my god.

ElaineCall an ambulance.

JerryBoy, he took it hard.

New scene. Owen is now lying on Jerry's couch and Elaine is explaining what happened.

ElaineWe were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.

Jerry (on the phone): Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A.

ElaineTell then to hurry! Hurry!

Jerry (To Elaine): It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious.

Kramer enters.

KramerThese pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

JerryKramer.

KramerWhat happened here?

ElaineI don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid?

JerryShouldn't you do something with the extremities?

ElaineWhat extremities?

KramerWhat's an extremity?

JerryYou raise the feet, get blood to the head.

KramerYou raise the head, you get blood to the feet.

ElaineOkay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.

JerryI don't have a washcloth.

ElaineWell use a paper towel.

JerryYou can't put a paper towel on his head.

KramerWhat about a big sponge?

JerryHow you gonna hold it on there?

KramerUse a belt.

ElaineNo no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.

JerryShould we walk him around?

Elaine and Kramer (at the same time): Yes, yes.

KramerYeah, I've seen them do that.

JerryNo, no that's for a drug overdose.

KramerMaybe that's what he's got.

ElaineNo no no no, Kramer, I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.

KramerWell he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.

ElaineHe is not a drug addict!

JerryHey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something.

ElaineA cookie!

KramerCan you give him a cookie?

ElaineHow's he gonna chew it?

JerryWe'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him.

Kramer puts a cookie into Owen's mouth and starts working his jaw up and down.

ElaineCareful, you're getting crumbs all over him.

KramerI got him chewing but I don't think he's gonna swallow.

ElaineYou know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.

JerryCookies don't liquefy.

ElaineYes they do, you can liquefy a cookie.

KramerAlright I'll get a blender.

JerryWhat blender? I don't have a blender.

KramerYou got a blender.

JerryI would know if I had a blender.

ElaineWhere is the ambulance?!

Just then a siren can be heard followed by a skidding sound followed by a crashing sound.

The frame dissolves out and in as if to show time passing.

Jerry (on phone): Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago.

ElaineI can't believe what's going on out here.

JerryThis is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?

VoiceParamedics.

JerryCome on up. Okay, they're here.

ElaineHe seems to be breathing.

JerryYa know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy.

ElaineI know.

JerryThose eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?

ElaineAlmost.

JerryHey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there.

ElaineIt's not an easy thing to bring up.

JerryYeah, that's true.

ElaineAw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.

JerryYeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.

ElaineHe does, how'd you know that?

JerryI could tell.

Two paramedics enter with a stretcher.

ElaineWhat happened, what took you so long?!

ParamedicWe got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.

JerryBlue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!

George enters, blotting his forehead with a washcloth.

GeorgeOh man.

JerryWhat happened to the car?

GeorgeSorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at Owen) Who's he?

ElaineThis guy I'm seeing.

GeorgeWhat happened?

JerryWe don't know!

ParamedicWho put cookies in his mouth?

Jerry and ElaineCookies?

ParamedicYou're not supposed to do that.

JerrySo how'd you hit the car?

GeorgeI was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.

JerryIt's not even my car, it's a rental.

Kramer enters.

KramerWhat are you doing out there?! You're holding up the production of the movie! We can't shoot and Woody, he's really mad at you.

GeorgeWoody mentioned me? What did he say?

KramerHe said, 'Who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?'

GeorgeShould I apologize to Woody?

KramerAlright, I'll tell you what. Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up. I'll feel him out.

Mid-episode Monologue. What do you think first aid was like though, like hundreds of years ago? You know, I mean they had no medicine, no drugs, no technology, no equipment. Basically, they were there first. That was it, that was the whole first aid. They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, no we can't help you, we were the first ones here, I don't know if you know that. Did you see out truck? First aid, that's our motto. We show up before anybody.'

New scene. Jerry, George and Sid are in Jerry's apartment.

SidNow you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. You should have mentioned that.

GeorgeWell I know how to drive.

SidThen how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.

JerryCan I get anybody anything?

SidMoving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?

GeorgeI put my pants on, Sid.

SidI don't believe you. If you can put your pants on, you can move those cars.

GeorgeWell I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

SidWho's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia? Her little boy needs surgery on his foot. Now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars.

GeorgeMaybe I could call my father.

Kramer enters holding a newspaper.

KramerHey, you seen the paper yet?

JerryInterestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper.

KramerYeah. There's an article in there about that writer.

Jerry (reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend.

KramerUh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.

Jerry (continuing): The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

SidOh lord.

Jerry (finishing): The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over.

New scene. Elaine and Jerry are back at the car rental agency, Jerry's eating a bag of pretzels.

ElaineFive seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'

JerryCan he communicate?

ElaineYeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him.

JerryAlright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed.

ElaineSo listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.

JerryWhat community? There's a community?

ElaineOf course there's a community.

JerryAll these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

AgentSir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.

JerryHmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so...

AgentYes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.

JerryThat is right, somebody else was driving.

AgentAlright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.

JerryUh huh, what's that?

AgentYou're not covered for other drivers.

JerryOther drivers?

AgentUm hm.

JerryYour whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?

AgentNot that particular one.

JerryWell I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care.

AgentSir, if you had read the rental agreement--

JerryDid you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?

AgentMr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.

JerryThese pretzels are making me thirsty.

New scene. Elaine and Owen are at Owen's apartment, Owen is in a wheelchair and in generally unresponsive as Elaine feeds him soup.

ElaineAhh, it's good, isn't it? Yankee Bean. Why Yankee Bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the south? I mean if you order Yankee Bean in the south, are they offended? Huh? (singing) Yankee Bean, Yankee Bean, I like my Yankee Bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes Owen's mouth with a napkin) Owen, I think we have to talk. I mean, uh, *I* have to talk. It would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. Um, don't get me wrong, I like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. Good stuff! I have a wonderful time when I'm with you, wonderful! But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person. I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. For example, I like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, Owen, it's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at Forty-second Street to take the double-R. Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. These pretzels are making me thirsty.

New scene. Coffee shop. Elaine, Jerry and George are at their usual booth.

ElaineCan you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?

JerryAn overdose of odor? Good question.

GeorgeDo I smell?

ElaineNo no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.

JerryAhh.

GeorgeHe's alright?

ElaineYeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.

The waitress brings the check.

JerryLet me get that.

GeorgeNo no no, I got it.

JerryPlease.

GeorgeNo come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars,

JerryYeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.

Kramer enters and sits down.

JerryWhat are you doing here?

KramerI got fired from the movie.

GeorgeGet out of here, why?

KramerWell, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then Woody yells 'Action!' and I turn to him and I say, 'These pretzels are making me thirsty' and I took a swig of beer, ya know, and I slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered.

ElaineAww.

KramerWell, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.

Kramer drops a pair of gloves on the table. Jerry picks up the gloves.

JerryAw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.

Closing monologue.

I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

[END SHOW]