Jerry's Pez dispenser causes a giggling fit at a piano recital — while George uses a phoney drug intervention to break up with his girlfriend.
Jerry's Apartment
George...pianist. A *classical* pianist. She *plays* the piano. She's a
*brilliant* woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the
*Waldstein Sonata*! The *Waldstein*!
GeorgeWe did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun
I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*!
Y'know?
Jerry enters
JerryWere you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
GeorgeI was telling you about Noel.
JerryOh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos...
George<em class="inline-stage">[sarcastically]</em> Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...
JerryAll right, I'm sorry. What about her?
GeorgeWhat, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?
JerryI know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.
GeorgeNo everything is *not* going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have
no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. *Once* in
my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at
all. She has the hand; I have *no* hand...
GeorgeHow do I get the hand?
JerryWe all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the
hand right from the opening.
GeorgeShe's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...
JerryYeah, that sounds like somethin'...
GeorgeThen afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll
see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself.
Maybe I can get some hand that way.
Kramer enters
KramerHey, smell my arm... Smell it!
GeorgeWith all due respect, I don't think so...
JerryThat smells good, what is that?
KramerThe *beach*!
JerryThe *beach*?
GeorgeWhat, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!
KramerI just joined the Polar Bear Club.
JerryYou joined the *Polar Bears*?!
GeorgeWhat the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?
KramerWell, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....
JerryYeah... So's shock therapy.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">[with glee]</em> What is that, a Pez dispenser?!
KramerWant one? Yeah, I just bought it at the Flea Market.
GeorgeHey, what goes on there, exactly?
JerryYou don't know?
GeorgeNo, I-I-I know... <em class="inline-stage">[retreats back to his Chinese take out]</em> I know...
JerryYou think they have fleas there, don't you?
George*No*...
JerryYes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you
think they have fleas there.
GeorgeAll right, I think they have fleas there. So what...
ElainElaineI don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking...
How do they warm up their fingers?
JerryThey have a piano backstage they warm up on.
ElainElaine*No*, we would have heard it.
JerryWhat, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?
GeorgeI told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud
when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.
Jerry<em class="inline-stage">[quickly whispering]</em> I resent that you said that! That's
directed at *me*, isn't it?!
A very elegant Noel comes out and sits at her piano.
JerryIs this okay? Can I do this? <em class="inline-stage">(he claps)</em>
% Noel begins. Dramatically. It's enough to make a man reach for his
% candy pooper. Jerry helps himself to a Pez, he stands Tweety up on Elaine's
% purse on her lap. Elaine valiantly tries to hold back her laughter,
% but it escalates from a giggle to a chortle to a chuckle to laughter
% to snorting. Noel is visibly shaken and she has difficulty playing
% with this anonymous distraction from one of the unwashed masses. Elaine
% removes herself from the auditorium, all the while snorting and gasping
% for breath, (we're talkin' full-on gales of laughter, here). Outside,
% she runs into an old acquaintance.
SteveSomething I said? <em class="inline-stage">[no response]</em> It's John... Mollika.
ElainElaineOh, oh, *John*... Oh, hi John... Hi...
SteveWhat're you doing down here?
ELAINEOh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I
started laughing.
MOLLIKAJerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up.
ELAINEWe did. We're just hanging out.
MOLLIKAREally. ... You really look great.
ELAINEOh, uh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?
MOLLIKAOh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He
just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up. On drugs.
I don't know what to do for the guy.
ELAINEHave you thought about an intervention?
MOLLIKAWhat's that?
ELAINEYou get all his friends in a room, They confront himm to try to get
him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.
MOLLIKAHe'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to
Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.
Outside Noel's dressing room
ElainElaineI'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!
GeorgeWhat did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first
place?
JerryI dunno, it was an impulse.
GeorgeWhat kind of a sick impulse does that??
JerryHow could I know she would start to laugh?
ElainElaineI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!
JerryCan we just go in already?
GeorgeWhat are we gonna tell her?
ElainElaineI'll tell her I was the one who laughed.
GeorgeNo, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then
I'm a *jerk*...
ElainElaine<em class="inline-stage">[To Jerry]</em> Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.
JerryWhat about?
GeorgeHey, hey! We're discussing something!
JerryI know, but I'm distracted now.
GeorgeWhat are you? A *baby*!? All right. Tell her.
E When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.
JERRYReally John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?
ELAINEHe's good.
GeorgeUh, can we cut to the chase?
Jerry"Cut to the chase"?
GeorgeYeah...
JerryWhat're you, "Joe Hollywood"?
GeorgeA lot of people say it.
JerryI would lose that.
George<em class="inline-stage">[Accusingly]</em> What's *that*?
Jerry"Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!
George<em class="inline-stage">[Realizing full well it isn't]</em> ...Yes it is.
ELAINEAnyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from
Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told
him that he should do an intervention.
JERRYReally, an intervention ...
GeorgeY'know people, we got a situation over here!
ELAINEYeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.
JERRYMe? Why me?
ELAINE'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.
JerryY'know these things are *really* hard to load...
GEORGEAll right, OK, I'm goin' in.
JERRYWe've got to talk about this <em class="inline-stage">(to Elaine)</em>
ELAINEAll right.
[They Enter]
GEORGEHi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.
NOELNo..
GEORGEOh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel
JerryYou play a *Hell* of a piano.
ElaineYeah, I was really moved, *really* moved.
NOELWell didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was
*humiliated...
ElaineWell, I'm sure it wasn't *at* you.
NoelWell then, what was she laughing at?
JerryPez?
NOELUh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?
GEORGEMe, uh, uh, no, ...
JERRYAnyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
ELAINEMaybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
JERRYEven if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
NOELI'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. <em class="inline-stage">[exits]</em>
ELAINEI'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being.
GEORGEIf she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful <em class="inline-stage">(hitting each other)</em>
[Noel enters]
GEORGEAll right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat.
NOELI don't feel like it tonight.
JERRYWe'll be outside
ELAINEYeah
JERRYIt was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?
N: I just crack my knuckles.
GEORGEWe'll have a good time
N: I don't feel like it
GEORGEAh, come on
N: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!
GEORGEUm, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. <em class="inline-stage">[exits]</em>
[MONKS]
JERRYYou know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
ELAINEWhat? How?
JERRYA few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable.
Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
ELAINESo? What happened?
JERRYWhat happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia,
and a month later he was dead.
ELAINEShut up!
JERRYAll the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
ELAINEWhar about Kramer?
JERRYHe's the same!
[Jerry on phone at home]
JERRYAre you sure you want me John. I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for
an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.
[to Kramer] Remember Ricie Appel?
KRAMER<em class="inline-stage">(looks shocked)</em> Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?
JERRYRight, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.
KRAMERCan I get in on that?
JERRYWhat do you think? It's like a poker game?
KRAMERIs Elaine going?
JERRYYeah
KRAMERWell, I knew him as well as she did.
JERRYYeah, but John invited her.
KRAMERSo what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?
JERRYNo, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.
Buzzer
GEORGEIt's George
JERRYStop smelling your arm.
KRAMERYou know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just
came home from the beach
JERRYHum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, "That's not a bad idea."
KRAMERTell me about it!
JERRYWhy don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein.
In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.
[George enters]
GEORGEWell it's over. It's definitely over.
JERRYShe broke up with you?
GEORGENo, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation.
I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.
JERRYWhat was on the list?
GEORGELet's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,
JERRYYeah, Postum is under-ratted,
GEORGEAnyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said
"no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.
JERRYWhat's wrong with lunch?
GEORGELunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.
I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.
KRAMERI like the Jumble You ever do the Jumble?
GEORGEI have no power Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.
KRAMERBreak up with her
GEORGEWhat?
KRAMERYou break up with her. You reverse everything that way.
JERRYA preemptive breakup.
GEORGEA preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose.
We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some
Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
[MONKS]
GEORGESo, I am have to going to break up with you.
NOELYou're breaking up with me?
GEORGEI, ... am breaking up with, ... you.
NOELWow.
GEORGEShocked?
NOELI really am.
GEORGENever expected this did you?
NOELI thought everything was fine.
GEORGEWell, live and learn.
NOELI don't understand. You're breaking up with me. Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?
GEORGEKind of.
NOELI'm very confused.
GEORGEWell, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.
NOELI thought,...
GEORGENow, stop it ...
NOELWhat do you want, I can make you happy.
GEORGEWhen you're playing the piano do you think about me?
NOELI don't know.
GEORGEThis is what I'm talking about.
NOELOK, I'll think about you.
GEORGEAll the time.
NOELAll the time? ... OK, All the time.
GEORGEI can't hear you.
NOELAll the time. ALL THE TIME.
GEORGESee, It's not so hard.
[CALVIN KLEIN]
KRAMERGo ahead smell, smell
STEVEYeah, so?
KRAMERDo you recognize it? ... The beach.
STEVEWhat are you talking about?
KRAMEROh, I'm talking about the beach.
STEVEWhat about it?
KRAMERYou know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach?
Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell.
Oh yeah.
STEVEThat is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.
KRAMEROh, wait, Did you here what I just said?
STEVEDo you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead
fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come
home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odour.
KRAMERSo you don't think it's a good idea?
The Intervention [NOTE: I may have confused the names of some of the male interveners below]
To Elaine
GUYThe membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a
kid so I have to stick tissue up there
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(very uninterested)</em> Uh, you have to work like that?
GUYNobody minds Nobody has ever said anything to me.
To Jerry
OTHER GUYAre there any ice cubes?
JERRYIn the freezer.
OTHER GUYI looked. There aren't any ice cubes.
JERRYWell I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
OTHER GUYI can't drink this. It's warm! <em class="inline-stage">(walks away)</em>
GuyShouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?
SteveWhat's the plan?
JERRYDo I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
OTHER GUYWell, if he's not going to talk I'm not going to talk either.
GUYNo, we all have to talk.
ELAINEWhat's the order?
GUYWe'll go in alphabetical order. First Roberta.
ROBERTAWhy am I first?
ELAINEAlbano is your last name.
ROBERTAThat's not my name any more. I'm divorced.
SteveI'll go first.
Kramer enters
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERIs this the interference?
JERRYIntervention.
OTHER GUYWhat are you doing here?
KRAMERUh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?
SteveHey, this is for close friends only.
KRAMERI'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade
over Marty Benson's head?
OTHER GUYLet him stay.
KRAMERHey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.
SteveSomebody's going to make that crap?
Some old guys enter
Old GuyKramer!
KRAMERHey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies.
OTHER GUYThey can't stay.
Old GuyWe're having a party here?
JERRYNo, we're having an intervention
Old GuyAn intervention? Who's intervening?
JERRYThere's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
OLD GUYSure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped
coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a
polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"
Buzzer
GUYIt's him.
RobertaWhat should we do?
ELAINEHide!
JERRYIt's NOT a surprise party! Yeah <em class="inline-stage">(to intercom)</em>
GEORGEIt's George
JERRYYeah, come on up. ... It's not him.
GUYIf you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender.
ELAINELook, I don't think this is appropriate right now.
GUYIs it because I have a tissue in my nose?
ELAINEYou're getting warm.
George and Noel enter (Noel looks awful)
GEORGEWe just came from Chadway's<em class="inline-stage">(?)</em> What's going on.
JERRYWe're having the intervention for Richie.
GEORGEOh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?
JERRYWell, uh..
NOEL<em class="inline-stage">(happily)</em> Elaine, hi.
ELAINEOh, hi Noel
(Noel sits on couch with Elaine with Old Guy between them)
JERRYWell, you're looking well.
GEORGEJerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man."
I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I got to thank Kramer.
SteveEven if I were dragged through manure I still wouldn't put that stuff on.
GEORGE<em class="inline-stage">(to Kramer)</em> This man is a genius. Genius!
SteveYou think so?
GEORGEI don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I got to talk to you
Old ManThe male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. The male has pouch envy.
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(Chuckles)</em>
Old GUY; at least give me a pocket.
ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">(laughs)</em>
Noel turns to Elaine. Jerry raises his eyes to heaven
NOELThat laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.
ELAINENo, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry.
Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.
NOELYou put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.
JERRYI didn't know she would laugh.
NOELYou lied to me George, you lied to me.
GEORGENo, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?
NOELI ... am breaking up ... with you!
GEORGEYou can't break up with me. I've got hand.
NOELAnd you're going to need it.
Noel exits, George chases her
Richie and John enter
JERRYHey Richie
RICHIESo what's going on?
Later
JERRYIt was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's
talking back.
GEORGEI can't do these puzzles.
JERRYSo he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
GEORGEAh ah Pez dispenser.
JERRYHe picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's
telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and
his father was trying to load one of them
GEORGEWell they're hard to load.
JERRYTell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control
of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all
over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
GEORGEPoor kid.
JERRYSo as he's telling the story he starts crying.
GEORGEWhat did you do?
JERRYWhat do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
GEORGEWow
JERRYTwo hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday.
He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
GEORGEWhat's a three letter word for candy?
JERRYI can't do those things.
[END SHOW]