The Suicide

Monologue The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it’s worse because now they’ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that’s why these people don’t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don’t work, try a rope. Car won’t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There’s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

[Jerry’s Apartment]

JERRYLet me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

ELAINENa.

JERRYWhat are you doing? We’re going out for dinner in ten minutes.

ELAINEDo you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?

[buzzer]

JERRYYeah.

GEORGEIt’s George.

JERRYCome on up. . . . I never heard of this. You’ve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?

ELAINEI don’t know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?

JERRYI think I’ll take out the garbage.

ELAINEHey, have you ever fasted?

JERRYWell, once I didn’t have dinner until, like 9:00 o’clock, that was pretty rough. <em class="inline-stage">[exits to hall with garbage – meets George]</em> Hey, do me a favour will ya’? Throw out my garbage for me.

GEORGEYeah, right.

JERRYCome on, it’s just down the hall.

GEORGEGive me two bucks. I’ll do it for two bucks.

JERRYI’ll give you 50 cents.

GEORGEThere’s no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.

JERRYCome on. Fifty cents. <??> a piece of Drake’s coffee cake

GEORGEYou’re not getting no Drake’s Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I’m all set. I got the ticket. I’m going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.

JERRYI don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?

GEORGEIt’s an incredible deal. I don’t know why you don’t come with me.

JERRYNah, I don’t go for these non-refundable deals. I can’t commit to a woman. I’m not going to commit to an airline.

[Gina enters the hall]

GINAHi.

JERRYHi.

GINAHow are you?

JERRYGina, do you know what a Drake’s Coffee Cake is?

GINAOf course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.

JERRYHow much do they cost?

GINAThe junior?

GEORGENo, no the full size.

JERRYNo, no the junior.

GEORGEYou didn’t say "junior".

GINAI haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl.

JERRYReally? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! <em class="inline-stage">[MARTIN enters the hall]</em> How ya’ doing?

MARTINGood enough.

[MARTIN leaves with Gina]

JERRYBoy she’s sexy isn’t she?

[Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer’s apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry’s apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.]

JERRYDo you believe that guy?

ELAINEWhat guy?

JERRYMy neighbour:

ELAINEOh, that creepy guy?

JERRYYeah, did he think I was flirting with her?

GEORGEHe didn’t seem too pleased.

ELAINEMaybe I’ll get a steak with french fried onion wings.

GEORGEhey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.

JERRYWhat’s so amazing? You’ve seen him before.

GEORGEI haven’t seen him for months.

JERRYWhat was the dream?

GEORGEI was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

JERRYI think I’ve played there.

GEORGEI’ve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.

JERRYYou’re a little paranormal

ELAINEHey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic.

GEORGEReally?

ELAINEUh uh, you should go some time.

GEORGEI’d love to go. Make an appointment.

JERRYPsychics, vacations. How about getting a job?

GEORGEI just got fired.

JERRYAlright, come on, lets get out of here.

ELAINEI wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.

JERRYI heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.

ELAINEReally?

JERRYOh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits.

[They exit]

[Jerry’s apartment late at night there is knocking at the door]

JERRYWho is it? Who is it?

GINAIt’s Gina.

JERRYWho?

GINAMartine’s girl friend.

JERRYMartine?

GINAYou next door neighbour.

JERRYOh, Martin!

[Jerry opens door]

GEORGEIt’s Martine. I think he’s dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.

JERRYWhat?

GINACome on.

JERRYIn my pajamas? I better get my robe.

GINAWe don’t have enough time.

JERRYIt’ll take two seconds.

GINAThere is no time.

JERRYWe don’t have two seconds?

GINAAll right. Go ahead.

JERRYNah, forget it.

GINANo, go ahead.

JERRYNah. I’ll just wear the pajamas.

GINAWill you just get it.

JERRYAre you sure?

GINAForget it. Come on.

JERRYNah, I’ll go get the robe.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center]

JERRYThat’s not too bad. It’s not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.

GINAYou know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.

JERRYReally? It’s over?

GINAI could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man’s hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.

JERRYOh boy, did he say anything about me?

GINAHe does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake’s Coffee Cake.

JERRYHe said that?

GINAHe was screaming about it all night. How it’s too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

JERRYI’m sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.

GINAI wasn’t.

JERRYYou weren’t?

GINANo, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?

JERRYOf course.

GINATell me everything.

JERRYAre you sure he can’t hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN.

GINAI wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.

JERRYI, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they’re going to look at a thing like this.

GINAI saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.

JERRYNo, I just wanted to see what time it was.

GINAAre you afraid of him?

JERRYNo.

GINAThen kiss me.

JERRYHere?

GINAYes, right here.

JERRYIs this the proper venue?

GINAYou don’t want to?

JERRYNo, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to.

GINAThen kiss me right in front of him.

JERRYI can’t. What if he wakes up?

GINAA man is lying here unconscious and you’re afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?

JERRYA man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy’s got a coma going like this … you don’t want to mess with it.

[Jerry’s apartment]

KRAMERHey.

JERRYHey.

KRAMERDid you hear about Martin?

JERRYYeah, I heard.

KRAMERI can’t believe he’s in a coma.

KRAMERHe’s got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?

JERRYWho told you about Martin?

KRAMERNewman! He’s good friends with him.

Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed.

KRAMERHe’s got all of my attachments, you know.

JERRYHey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?

KRAMERWhat, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?

JERRYYou know I don’t get that whole suicide machine. There’s no tall buildings where these people live? They can’t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

KRAMERSo what’s going on between you and Gina?

JERRYWell, I went with her to the hospital last night.

KRAMERUh, uh.

JERRYSo we’re in the room and she’s trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.

KRAMERUh, uh, you see that’s the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?

JERRYNothing.

KRAMERAh, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don’t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

JERRYI didn’t know what the coma etiquette was.

KRAMERThere is no coma etiquette. You see that’s the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn’t matter what you do around it.

JERRYSo you’re saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it’s all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.

KRAMERI’d give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can’t get out of it in 24 hours, it’s a land rush.

JERRYSo if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he’s thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there’s nothing left?

KRAMERNOTHING LEFT! That’s why I’m trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody’s going to grab it.

[The psychic’s apartment]

RULAMartin’s spirit came to you as a warning.

ELAINEWhy would he come to George?

RULABecause George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE.

GEORGEI knew it. I always felt different.

RULAYou are. Some coffee cake?

GEORGEDrakes?

RULAYes.

GEORGEDid you buy this for me?

RULANo, why?

GEORGEHa, because I love Drake’s Coffee Cake.

RULAMaybe I did.

ELAINETake it away.

GEORGEShe hasn’t eaten in two days.

RULAWho’s Pauline?

GEORGEPauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline.

RULADo you think about her?

GEORGEWhen I hear her name mentioned.

RULACut these with your left hand.

GEORGEThere was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose.

RULAI see an Audrey, but with a small nose.

GEORGEYes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again?

RULANot in this life.

ELAINEShould you be smoking?

RULADoes it bother you?

ELAINEYou’re pregnant.

GEORGEElaine.

RULAI smoked when I had Faisy.

RULAAh oh.

GEORGEAh oh? What? What Ah oh?

RULAI don’t know about this trip George.

GEORGEYou can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What?

ELAINEIt’s really bad for the fetus. Do you know that.

GEORGEElaine, she’s a psychic. She knows how the kid’s going to be.

GEORGEShould I not go on this trip?

RULAGeorge, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me.

ELAINENow listen. I just don’t know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth.

GEORGEElaine, what are you doing?

ELAINEIt’s disgusting.

RULAI DON’T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave.

ELAINEOh fine, I don’t like to be around people who are just so irresponsible.

RULAGet the hell out.

[Elaine leaving] GEORGE: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

RULADo you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.

GEORGEIf you don’t say anything I will assume it’s a plane crash.

RULAGet out.

GEORGENot a plane crash. <em class="inline-stage">[leaving]</em> Is it a plane crash?

[Jerry’s apartment]

GINAI do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.

JERRYYou can say what you want about me but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

GINAIt is too small for someone with such a big mouth <em class="inline-stage">[kisses Kerry]</em>. Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?

JERRYNo, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

GINAWho are these Stooges you speak of?

JERRYThey’re a comedy team.

GINATell me about them. Everything.

JERRYWell, they’re three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot.

GINAYou will show me The Stooges?

JERRYI will show you The Stooges.

GINAWhen?

JERRYWell, I don’t really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know.

GINACome, you walk me to a cab.

JERRYWell, uh, I uh, I don’t want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it’s not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.

GINAYou’re still afraid. You are not a man.

JERRYWell then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?

GINAAre you going to walk me to a cab or not?

JERRYYeah, all right. All right.

[Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman]

KRAMERYou should just eat fruit.

NEWMANI can’t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.

KRAMER???

NEWMANHello Gina. Hello Jerry.

JERRYHello Newman.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

JERRYDo you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me.

GEORGEPeople smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn’t hurt me.

ELAINE<em class="inline-stage">[jumps with fear to Jerry]</em> Did you see that wall move?

JERRYBoy, it’s a good thing we came.

GEORGECould there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there’s native unrest.

ELAINEHi, I haven’t eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray.

NurseWe’ll call you.

JERRYGeorge, I want you to promise me something. If I’m ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage.

GEORGEHow come?

JERRYLooters.

ELAINEHow do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?

JERRYShe’s really hungry.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERHey.

ELAINEKramer

KRAMERWell, Newman’s upstairs visiting Martin.

GEORGEWould you buy my Cayman Island ticket?

KRAMERYou’re not going?

GEORGENo.

KRAMERWhy not?

GEORGEThe psychic said something terrible will happen.

KRAMERI dig.

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin’s room]

KRAMERI want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she’s going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she’s going to kill me.

W: He can’t hear you, you idiot. Why don’t you just buy another one.

KRAMERWhy would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one?

W: I have a carpet sweeper you can use.

KRAMERI don’t want a carpet sweeper. They don’t do anything.

W: It gets my rug clean.

KRAMERThe carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

W: Well, you should take a look at my rug then.

KRAMERI wouldn’t set foot in your house.

[Jerry enters]

JERRYHello.

NEWMANHello Jerry.

JERRYHow’s he doing?

KRAMERHe looks happy to me.

NEWMANI hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.

JERRYWhy wouldn’t he?

NEWMANNo reason.

JERRYHe’ll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess.

NEWMANI’ll bring him up to date.

JERRYHow up to date?

NEWMANOh, all the way up.

JERRYAnd nothing could change your mind?

NEWMANWell, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn.

KRAMEROkay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He’s not going.

NEWMANI don’t care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..

JERRYDrake’s Coffee Cake

NEWMANWow, where did you get that?

JERRYFrom my house. I got a whole box of them.

NEWMANBoy, that’s the full size.

JERRYThat’s your big boy.

NEWMANCan I have a bite?

JERRYI don’t give out bites. I got another one. But I’m saving it for later.

NEWMANJust one bite?

JERRYI don’t think so. You know they, they’re so fragile.

NEWMANAll right! All right. I won’t say anything.

JERRYYou swear?

NEWMANI swear.

JERRYOn your mother’s life?

NEWMANOn my mother’s life.

KRAMERoh oh oh oh oh

NEWMANOooh,

[Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway]

ELAINEAnd there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.

[George sees the Psychic’s girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic’s room]]

GEORGE…sweetheart, no come here, … sweetheart

RULApew, pew, pew, pew <em class="inline-stage">(breathing)</em>

GEORGEhow did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal.

RULAThe nurse said she would be right back. They’re supposed to take me into the delivery room.

GEORGEOh, that’s great. That’s great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don’t even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn’t get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off ..

RULAOh, where’s the nurse

GEORGEI don’t know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don’t you get a nurse for mommy? … Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip.

RULADon’t take that trip.

GEORGEYeah, why? Why?

RULA<screams> EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit.

[Doctor enters]

DxAll right, Rula, it’s time to go.

GEORGEBecause? Because?

[Elaine enters Martins room]

ELAINEAssassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! … Drake’s Coffee Cake? … Give me that.

NEWMANJerry, you better stop her or I’ll tell.

JERRYElaine! No! No!

MARTINOoooh, ahhhh,

[In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth]

GEORGEAre there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

[Martin’s room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake’s Coffee Cake]

NEWMANHe did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you.

KRAMERI want my vacuum cleaner!

JERRYHey!

NEWMANIt was disgusting.

[Jerry’s apartment]

JERRYWhat are you doing? We’re going out to dinner in ten minutes.

GEORGEI never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

JERRYWhat did she name the kid?

GEORGEYou wouldn’t believe it. Rasputin.

[Kramer enters]

KRAMERHeey!

GEORGEHey.

JERRYHey.

GEORGEwhen did you get back?

KRAMERA couple of hours ago.

GEORGESo how was it?

KRAMERGeorge, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.

JERRYosh.

KRAMERThey were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.

JERRYWoah. <em class="inline-stage">[hitting George]</em>

KRAMERNot only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.

JERRYWow! <em class="inline-stage">[hitting George]</em>

KRAMERI was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson

JERRYOh! <em class="inline-stage">[hitting George]</em>

KRAMERWe played Backgammon in the nude.

JERRYOh! <em class="inline-stage">[hitting George]</em>

KRAMERShe’s a sweet kid.

JERRYNude backgammon with swimsuit models!

KRAMEROh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That’s probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.

GEORGEYeah, you gotta’ watch for the jellyfish.

KRAMERYeah.

KRAMERWhat’s this?

JERRYOh, it’s an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina.

KRAMERThey moved in together?

JERRYYeah, it’s some place down in the village.

KRAMERPhew.

[buzzer]

JERRYYeah.

ELAINEIt’s Elaine.

JERRYAll right we’re coming down.

KRAMERHey, where ya’ going?

JERRYWe’re taking Elaine to dinner. She’s got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?

KRAMERUm, I’d like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we’ll be getting together.

GEORGEElle McPherson going to be there?

KRAMEROH! I got to call her back.

[Kramer exits]

The End