Jerry and Elaine set George up with one of Elaine's friends — then break the rules by telling each other everything.
I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, tap-tap-tap, start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, okay, once it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see the cellist looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this" "Oh, okay, thank you very much."
First scene. Jerry and George are seated at a table in a restaurant.
GeorgeWhy even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it.
JerryOh, yes you will.
GeorgeNo, I won't.
JerryYeah, maybe you won't.
GeorgeI mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
JerryAre my nostrils getting bigger?
GeorgeNo. Why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?
Just then a beautiful woman walks past their table, George offers up a meek 'Hi' which the woman ignores as she passed. George then says 'Hi' a few more times as he reaches for and drinks from his water glass, as though we was saying that anyway and it had nothing to do with the woman. (Funnier to watch than read.)
CynthiaThere's just no men out there, you know?
ElaineI know.
CynthiaI mean the problem is that the good ones know they're good. And they know they're in such demand they're just not interested in confining themselves to one person.
ElaineI hate the good ones.
CynthiaIs Jerry one of the good ones?
ElaineThat's a good question, I think he thinks he is.
CynthiaWell, the mediocre ones are available, but they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they're always going, "Well I'm not good enough for you, what are you doing with me?" and eventually I just go, "You're right."
ElaineYou know, maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.
CynthiaNo, maybe I need somebody who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with me because he's so desperate.
Cut back to George and Jerry, George is eating sloppily.
GeorgeI mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.
JerryOh, so there's still hope.
GeorgeI don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
JerryOh, so hopelessness is the key.
GeorgeIt's my only hope.
Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.
CynthiaSee, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.
ElaineWell, at least you're not bitter.
CynthiaWho says I'm not bitter?
ElaineAren't you too young to be bitter?
CynthiaNo, you can be young and bitter, just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.
ElaineDon't worry, your bitterness is safe with me.
CynthiaUm, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.
JerryLook at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.
ElaineSo what'd you do last night?
JerryWent out with George, you?
ElaineWent out with Cynthia.
JerryHow was it? What'd you talk about?
ElaineWell, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you?
JerryWe brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody.
ElaineI know, Cynthia too. She's really given up.
JerryGeorge too.
They look at each other for a moment.
Jerry and Elaine (together): Yeah, right.
JerryI've never fixed anybody up.
ElaineUh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.
JerryWell why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?
ElaineI didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'?
JerryWell you implied it.
ElaineI didn't say it.
JerryBecause if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?
ElaineWho is he?
JerryHe's George!
ElaineShe's Cynthia!
JerrySo what?
ElaineWhat, you don't think she's beautiful?
JerryI don't know, what's with the eyebrows?
ElaineYou know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
JerryI went out with you.
ElaineThat's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.
JerryWell let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
ElaineHe can really do that?
JerryCome on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along.
ElaineWhat, are you into this?
JerryYeah, come on, it's a good match.
ElaineNo, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?
JerryNaturally.
ElaineWell, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?
JerryEverything.
ElaineWhat if it worked out?
Jerry (dialing): Yeah right.
GeorgeOut of the question. Out of the question!
JerryWhy?
GeorgeNo! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like?
JerryShe's good looking.
GeorgeHow good looking?
JerryVery good looking.
GeorgeReally good looking?
JerryReally very good looking.
GeorgeWould you take her out?
JerryYes, I would take her out.
GeorgeOh, you hesitated.
JerryWhat hesitate? I didn't hesitate!
GeorgeNo, something's off here, you hesitated.
JerryI'm telling you, she's good looking.
GeorgeWhat about the body, what kind of body?
JerryGood body, nice body.
GeorgeHow nice?
JerryNice.
GeorgeJust nice?
JerryPretty nice.
GeorgeReally good?
JerryReally very nice and good.
GeorgeWhat about personality?
JerryGood personality. Funny. Bright.
GeorgeSmarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.
JerryHow could she be smarter than you?
GeorgeAlright, let's see, let's see. What else. What else. Oh yeah, what does she do?
CynthiaFirst of all, what does he do?
ElaineHe was in real estate, um, now, he's not working right now-
CynthiaHe's not working?! How come he's not working?
ElaineWell, um, he, he got fired.
CynthiaWhy did he get fired?
ElaineUh. Why? Oh, right. Um, well, he tried to poison his boss.
CynthiaExcuse me?
ElaineSuch a long story, Cynthia, seriously, I mean he just had some problems at work.
CynthiaIs he nuts?
ElaineNo, no, no, he's a really really funny guy.
CynthiaWhat does he look like?
ElainePardon?
CynthiaWhat does he look like?
ElaineUm, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
CynthiaFat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
ElainePowerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
CynthiaHe's bald?
ElaineNo! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
CynthiaSo he will be bald.
ElaineYup.
Cut back to Jerry and George.
GeorgeWhat kind of hair?
JerryYou know, long dark hair.
GeorgeFlowing?
JerryFlowing?
GeorgeIs it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?
GeorgeYeah, that's right.
JerryJust clarifying.
GeorgeLet me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?
JerryDo you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?
GeorgeI'd like to be able to get it out.
JerryI think you'll get it out.
GeorgeWhat about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.
JerryShe's got a fine cheek.
GeorgeIs there a pinkish hue?
JerryA pinkish hue?
GeorgeYes, a rosy glow.
JerryThere's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.
GeorgeWho cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that.
JerryI don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up.
Cut back to Elaine and Cynthia.
CynthiaHas he ever been married?
ElaineNo.
CynthiaHas he been close?
ElaineHe once spent a weekend with a woman.
CynthiaHe didn't really try to poison his boss?
ElaineYeah, he did.
GeorgeWe had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?
JerryI think it's tamber.
GeorgeWhy'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?
JerryI didn't notice the voice.
GeorgeIt's mellifluous!
JerrySo, Saturday night.
GeorgeShe had to be impressed by that conversation, had to! It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant, done.
Elaine enters.
ElaineHi.
GeorgeHey! Saturday night!
ElaineI know!
GeorgeSo, what did she say?
ElaineShe said you're getting together Saturday night!
GeorgeThat's it?
ElaineYeah!
GeorgeShe didn't mention anything about the conversation?
ElaineNo.
GeorgeNow, you see, I don't get that. We had a relaxed stimulating, great conversation, she doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it?
ElaineWhat?
JerryShe could have mentioned the conversation.
GeorgeAlright, alright, I'll go on the date, but that's that.
Kramer enters.
KramerHey.
JerryHey.
KramerYou know my friend, Bob Sacamano?
JerryOh, the guy from Jersey?
KramerYeah. He just got a job at a condom factory in Edison. Look at this, he gave me a gross.
GeorgeWhat are you gonna do with all of them?
KramerOh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.
JerryNo thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box.
KramerCome on, Elaine, here, take half a bag.
ElaineHalf a bag? What am I, a hooker? Anyway, they look kind of cheap.
GeorgeI'll take one. It's possible.
Mid-episode monologue.
The problem with the condom is still buying them. I think we should have like a secret signal with the druggist that you just walk into the drugstore, you go up to the counter, he looks at you and if you go like this (nods) he puts them in the bag for you, that's it. You show up there, you put your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste, you know, "How are you today?" (nods) "Have a nice day." "You too."
JerrySo where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?
ElaineI think they went out to dinner.
JerryWait, I got another call. That must be him. <em class="inline-stage">[clicks over]</em> Hello?
GeorgeYeah, it's me, I just got home.
JerryOh, hold on. <em class="inline-stage">[clicks back]</em> It's George, he just got home.
ElaineYeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line.
JerryAlright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.
ElaineRemember our pact. Full disclosure.
JerryOf course. <em class="inline-stage">[clicks back to George]</em> Yeah, go ahead.
GeorgeAlright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.
JerryYou can tell me, I'll vault it.
GeorgeIt's in the vault?
JerryI'm locking the vault. What?
GeorgeWe had sex.
JerryOh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?
GeorgeI don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.
JerryAt your apartment?
GeorgeYeah.
JerryShe didn't stay over?
GeorgeNo, she left. Listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine. Cynthia will kill me, we made a deal.
ElaineOh my god.
CynthiaHe was uncomfortable because it was our first time so he felt he would perform better if we did it in the kitchen. He said the kitchen is always the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.
ElaineSo? How was it?
CynthiaHow good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.
ElaineWait, I got another call, that must be Jerry.
CynthiaOh wait, don't you tell him any of this.
ElaineYeah, ok. <em class="inline-stage">[clicks over]</em> Hello?
JerrySo, what did she have to say?
ElaineWhat did he have to say?
JerryHe said they had a good time.
ElaineHer too.
JerryOh, good.
ElaineAnything else?
JerryNope. You?
ElaineNope.
JerryYou sure?
ElaineYup. You?
JerryYeah.
ElaineAlright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.
JerryYeah. Okay then.
ElaineAlright. Goodnight.
JerryGoodnight.
GeorgeI left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.
JerryWell, I'm gonna do something about this.
GeorgeWhat are you gonna do?
JerryNevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this.
GeorgeI keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.
JerryI'm gonna call her.
GeorgeNo, don't call her.
JerryNo, I'm calling her.
GeorgeNo, Jerry, don't call.
JerryNo, forget it, I'm gonna call.
GeorgeI don't want you to call.
JerryGet away from me, I'm gonna call her.
GeorgeGive me the phone!
JerryGeorge, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight?
GeorgeJerry, I'm gonna kill you!
Kramer enters and gets between them to break up the fight.
KramerHey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it!
JerryI'll just call her when you leave!
GeorgeYou can't do that, it's none of your business!
JerryIt is so my business!
KramerHey hey hey! I don't want to hear another word out of either one of you!
GeorgeBut tell him to give me the--
KramerAy ay ay! The next one of you that opens up your mouth, says something, you're gonna have to deal with me. You know, I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?
GeorgeNo.
JerryYeah, but--
KramerYeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.
JerryBut Kramer--
KramerNoh noh noh! I want you guys to shake hands. Come on, there are plenty of women out there for all of us, let's go.
Jerry and George shake hands.
KramerYes. You see? Isn't that better than fighting? Animosity? I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? They're defective, don't use them.
GeorgeWhat?
KramerRight.
GeorgeDefective?!
KramerDefective.
George (attacking Kramer): How could you give me a defective condom?!
KramerI didn't even know they were defective.
Jerry gets between them to break up the fight.
KramerDidn't even thin you were gonna use them.
GeorgeWhat do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?!
JerryTake it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already!
CynthiaI missed my period.
ElaineOh my god.
CynthiaI am very worried, I am never late.
ElaineBut he used a condom, right?
CynthiaI know, but these things aren't always foolproof.
ElaineOh no.
CynthiaWhat?
ElaineWas it blue?
CynthiaYeah. How'd you know?
ElaineJust a hunch.
JerryOw! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off!
Elaine walks in and give him a funny look.
JerryOh, hi. Soda?
ElaineNo thanks.
JerrySo tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?
ElaineWho are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her.
JerryOh, I know her. I know her type.
ElaineHer type? What type?
JerryThe type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!
ElaineYou told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea!
JerryI was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend.
ElaineShe's not bitter!
JerryWell, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!
ElaineTwisted? God, I did you a favor.
JerryI thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me?
ElaineAre you calling me a liar?
JerryI'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?
ElaineAre you?
JerryGet your finger out of my face.
ElaineYou get yours out, I was here first!
JerryI don't care.
ElaineGet it out!
Kramer walks in just as this argument begins to turn into a slap fight, and gets in the middle.
KramerHey hey, alright, hey hey, stop it! Come on, break it up! What's the matter with you? Now don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around out there looking for something that's not even there, when everything that you dream of is right here, right here in front of you. Now why can't you admit that? By the way, when you see George give him these, these'll work.
ElaineI knew those condoms were defective!
JerryHow did you know they were defective?!
George walks in.
ElaineBecause! Because she missed her period!
GeorgeShe missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!
George rushes out, hysterical.
CynthiaSo he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And he tells me that no matter what happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and that I could depend on him, and that he would be there to support me in whatever way I need. Elaine, I was speechless.
ElaineWow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody.
CynthiaI said to him, "I really appreciate this, but I just got my period." And so, I asked him to come in, he came in--
George and Jerry walk up, Jerry is limping.
ElaineHi!
GeorgeSorry, we're a little late. We got so hung up in traffic.
ElaineWhat happened?
JerryActing.
ElaineVery mature.
JerryThank you. Hi Cynthia.
CynthiaHi.
JerryWell this is a great place to sit you got here.
CynthiaBest seat in the house. <em class="inline-stage">(Looking at George)</em> right next to the kitchen.
George (hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin): Stop it, stop it.
JerrySo what are these?
ElaineOh, we ordered some appetizers. Start eating.
George stars eating like a slob, Cynthia looks at him funny. You get the idea that the relationship has just ended.
George (with a mouth full of food): This is good. Oh, this is good.
Closing monologue.
Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now, you're playing god. Of course god was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake, I think that's over though."
[END SHOW]