Kramer has gone to Hollywood to pursue his acting dream — so Jerry and George fly out to bring him back, only to find him embroiled in a murder investigation.
It's amazing to me that people will move thousands of miles away to another city, they think nothing of it. They get on a plane, boom. They're there, they live there now. Just, uh, I'm living over there. You know, pioneers, it took years to cross the country. Now, people will move thousands of miles just for one season. I don't think any pioneers did that, you know. Yeah, it took us a decade to get there, and, uh, we stayed for the summer, it was nice, we had a pool, the kids loved it, and then we left about ten years ago and we just got back. We had a great summer, it took us 20 years and now our lives are over.
GeorgeKramer was on Murphy Brown?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeAre you sure?
JerryYeah.
GeorgeMurphy Brown, the TV show.
JerryC'mon, will ya?
GeorgeKramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!
JerrySomething, isn't it?
GeorgeWith Candace Bergen!
JerryI know!
GeorgeI've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?
JerrySure.
GeorgeDid she show her breasts in that?
JerryShe's not really the naked type.
GeorgeI can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.
JerryHe did?
GeorgeYeah, I turned him down.
JerryHow come you didn't tell me?
GeorgeHe asked me to keep it a secret.
JerryBut you can never keep a secret.
GeorgeI know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.
JerryWell, you've come a long way.
GeorgeI've matured.
JerryHey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?
GeorgeA free ticket?
JerryYeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys.
GeorgeWhat about accommodations?
JerryAll taken care of.
GeorgeIs there a meal allowance? What about seat assignments? Could I have the Kosher meal? I hear the Kosher meal is good. And I need clothes. Gotta get a haircut. Gonna have to, I have to refill my allergy medication. Oh, do I need a hat? I need a hat, don't I? Could we do the Universal tour? They have that Backdraft exhibit now, that looks very cool to me...
KramerSo my acting technique, my personal acting technique is working with color, imagining color, then finding the emotional vibrational mood connected to the color. See, if you look through my scripts, you'll see that all my lines have a special color, so I don't memorize language, I memorize color. This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue. And I have a full palette of emotions.
Studio GuardHey, didn't I tell you to get out of here?
KramerUh, did you?
Studio GuardC'mon, let's go.
KramerWell, I was just--
Studio GuardYeah yeah, you were just nothing. C'mon, let's go.
KramerAlright, we'll talk about this a little later. Are you an actor?
VoiceMurphy Brown.
KramerUh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
VoiceWho's calling please?
KramerWell, just tell her that it's Kramer.
Dial tone.
KramerAlright I'll uh, I'll call her at home. (To man waiting behind him) Go ahead, it's all yours.
Helena, a neighbor, steps into the hallway.
HelenaHello Kramer.
KramerOh, uh, Helena, how are you?
HelenaI haven't worked since 1934, how do you think I am?
KramerWell, that's only uh, 58 years.
HelenaIt was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappy." I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?
KramerYeah, right, right, yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?
HelenaNo, a Curly. The boys played three sailors who find a baby, the baby's been kidnapped and the police think that they did it.
KramerUh huh, right.
HelenaBut, but of course they didn't do it, the police had made an awful mistake.
KramerRight.
HelenaMoe hits Curly with an axe,
KramerUh huh.
HelenaThe Stooges catch the kidnappers,
KramerRight.
HelenaBut it's too late.
KramerReally.
HelenaThe baby's dead.
KramerReally?
HelenaThe boys are sent to Death Row and are executed.
KramerWell I don't remember that part.
HelenaI play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.
KramerOh, yeah, yeah, you were, you were very good.
HelenaYeah, it was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
KramerWell, that was an unusual choice for the stooges.
HelenaWould you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt at the store, Kramer?
KramerUh, well, uh, you know I can't right now, you know, uh, I got a very big meeting, I got these people interested in my movie treatment. So, uh, I guess we'll have to make it another time, alright?
HeleneWell No! No, don't go out there, Kramer, they'll hurt you, they'll destroy you. You'll never make it in this town, you're too sensitive like me,
KramerHelena, you're wrong, you know I'm not that sensitive at all.
HelenaI was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!
JerryWhat is this?
GeorgeWhat?
JerryWe're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?
GeorgeI happen to dress based on mood.
JerryOh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
GeorgeSeemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry(referring to George's outfit): And what mood is this.
GeorgeThis is Morning Mist.
Lt. Coleman: What do you figure, 20? 21?
Lt. Martel: Close enough.
Lt. Coleman: Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.
Lt. Martel: No ID?
Lt. Coleman: No ID.
Lt. Martel: No witnesses?
Lt. Coleman: Just the trees, Johnny. Pretty young thing.
Lt. Martel: She was. Not any more. Somebody saw to that.
Lt. Coleman: Sure did, Johnny. Damn shame too. What do you make of it?
Lt. Martel: I don't know, but I don't like it.
JerryLook at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him.
GeorgePersonally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.
JerryJust go.
George braces himself and walks through the detector.
GeorgeHeh he, I made it.
Jerry walks through and the machine beeps.
Security GuardEmpty your pockets please.
Jerry empties his pockets and walks through again, the machine beeps again.
Security GuardWalk through again please.
Jerry walks through, the machine beeps again.
Security GuardAre you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?
JerryAnklets?
Security GuardA lot of men wear anklets.
JerryReally?
Security GuardYeah.
Other Security Guard (to George): What do you have in your bag, sir?
GeorgeMy bag?
Security GuardStep over here please.
JerryOver here?
Other Security GuardDo you have a knife in the bag?
GeorgeA knife?
Other Security GuardOpen the bag, please.
George opens his bag, the other security guard begins rummaging.
Other Security GuardWhat's this?
GeorgeMoisturizer?
Other Security GuardYour wife?
GeorgeNo, I uh... I use it.
Security GuardSpread your arms and legs please.
The security guard begins waving a small beeping detector up and down Jerry's body.
Jerry (facing the lengthening line behind him): Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you.
Other Security GuardHave a good trip.
Security GuardAlright, go ahead.
JerryThat's it?
Security GuardThat's it.
JerryAlright.
GeorgeC'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?
JerryI must have iron rich blood.
GeorgeHere we go, LA.
JerryThe Coast,
GeorgeLa-la Land. I got the window seat, right?
JerryWho said that?
GeorgeI called it.
JerryOh no.
Seems to me that the closest thing we have to Royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little carts through the airport. Don't you hate these things? They come out of nowhere; Beep Beep, cart people, look out, cart people! Look out! We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants. Oooh! It's cart people! I hope we didn't slow you down. Wave to the cart people, Timmy, they're the best people in the world. Ya know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you're not ready for air travel. The other people I hate are the people that get on to the moving walkway and then just stand there. Like it's a ride? Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears along the way here. Do your legs work at all?
KramerYeah, I'm here for the audition.
ReceptionistWhich audition, the music video, the horror movie, the exercise tape or the infomercial?
KramerUh, let's see... well.
KramerYou scream good.
ChelseaYou too.
ChelseaSo, can I keep this treatment?
KramerOh yeah, yeah, I got 20 copies.
Chelsea'Cause I can, uh, show it to my manager. He has connections with West German television money.
KramerReally.
ChelseaYeah, they're trying to put together a miniseries for me on Eva Braun. I mean think about it, is that a great idea? We know nothing about Eva Braun, only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.
KramerUm-hm.
ChelseaWhat was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law? I mean it could just go on and on...
KramerWait wait, hold it, hold it. Look who's over there. Don't look, don't look! It's Fred Savage.
ChelseaBig deal.
KramerHe'd be perfect for my movie. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (takes a deep breath) I gotta go over there, I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.
ChelseaWhy are you breathing so hard?
KramerWell, I'm just a little nervous. OK, I gotta relax. Phew. Wish me luck, huh?
Kramer gets up and approaches Fred Savage who's sitting at a table nearby.
KramerHey. Oh, did I frighten you? I'm not crazy. I mean, I may look weird, but I'm just like you, I'm just a regular guy just trying to make it in this business. You know I really like your work, the, uh...
Fred SavageThank you.
KramerYeah, I can't remember the name of it.
FredThanks.
KramerYeah, my mind's a blank, I'm sorta nervous, you know, uh...
FredThat's ok. Relax, relax.
KramerOk, but I got this...
Kramer lifts his leg and places his foot on a low table and the table collapses.
KramerStupid table. You know, I'm not normally like this, usually I'm very cool and charming, I don't mean to bother you or anything but I think it's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me.
Fred (a little frightened and backing away towards the door): Yeah, its fate, you know, can't avoid your fate.
KramerI got this treatment I think you'll be great in.
FredYeah.
KramerSo I'd like to give it to you.
FredYeah, thank you, thanks a lot. Bye!
Kramer (bumping into a lamp): Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.
Fred takes the treatment and bolts for the door. After he leaves, Kramer gives the rest of the patrons a thumbs-up.
JerryYeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?
GeorgeCurly.
JerryWavy.
GeorgeWhat'd you ask me for?
JerryYeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?
GeorgeNope.
Jerry'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?
George (from the bathroom): Hey, a shoe buffing machine!
JerryI don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?
GeorgeYou got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body lotion!
JerryAbout 6-3.
GeorgeOoh, a shower cap!
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
JerryComing.
George walks to the door wearing a shower cap.
LupeHello. I have more towels.
GeorgeOh good, good, come in. Come in, welcome. I'm George. And this is Jerry, over there, on the phone, that's Jerry. And you are, um?
LupeLupe.
GeorgeLupe. That's very nice, very nice. Listen, are you going to be making up the bed in the morning?
LupeYes.
GeorgeFine. Excellent. Could you do me a favor? Could you not tuck the blankets in? 'Cause I can't sleep all tucked in.
LupeOh, yes, yes.
GeorgeYes, I like to just be able to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them, you know what I mean? You know, I don't like being all tucked in. I like to have a lot of room, you know I like to have my toes pointed up in the air. Just like to scrunch up the blankets.
LupeYes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.
GeorgeExactly, you know what I'm talking about, right?
LupeIt's too tight. (Gesturing towards Jerry) Him too?
GeorgeUh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?
JerryExcuse me, what?
GeorgeYou want your blankets tucked in?
JerryWhat blankets?
GeorgeWhen Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.
JerryI don't know, whatever they do.
LupeI tuck in? Yes?
JerryTuck in, tuck in.
GeorgeAlright, so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.
LupeOkay.
GeorgeYeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.
JerryExcuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck.
George (to Lupe): Two no-tucks.
JerryUh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck.
GeorgeYou just said you weren't tucking.
JerryI'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway.
GeorgeAlrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?
JerryExcuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?
LupeOh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.
JerryOh, okay, thanks.
LupeThank you.
GeorgeThank you.
LupeBye-bye.
GeorgeAlright, Lupe, bye-bye now.
LupeBye.
GeorgeBye-bye.
Lupe exits.
JerryI can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it.
GeorgeWell what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table.
JerryThey're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
GeorgeHey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out.
JerryAlright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here.
GeorgeAlright, now. What mood am I in, what mood am I in?
GeorgeYou shouldn't have tucked.
JerryI like it tucked.
GeorgeNobody tucks anymore.
As Jerry drives past, Kramer exits a printing shop, gets into his car and drives off, spilling dozens of 8"x10" publicity photos. A police office notices this and picks up one of the photos.
OfficerHey, Lieutenant.
Lt. Martel: Yeah.
OfficerThis was found on her person.
Lt. Martel: On her person? What kind of expression is that?
OfficerI don't know, sir. Police lingo.
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
OfficerRoss.
Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?
OfficerYes sir.
Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that?
OfficerYes sir.
Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
OfficerYes sir.
The Lt. examines the evidence. It's a title page that says "The Keys" A movie treatment by Kramer. The paper is torn so that the space where Kramer's first name was is missing.
Lt. Martel: I think we just caught a break.
GeorgeThis is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?
JerryI don't know.
GeorgeMight meet a celebrity.
JerryI can't believe she threw out my napkin.
GeorgeWhat are you worried about, you know it.
JerryYou gonna be alright here?
GeorgeYeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around.
JerryAlright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes.
GeorgeGo, go, go, don't worry about it.
Jerry leaves and Corbin Bernsen enters through a stage door. he stands near George, obviously waiting for someone.
GeorgeHey. (pointing at him) Corbin Bernsen.
Corbin BernsenHow ya doing?
GeorgeBig fan! Big fan.
Corbin BernsenYeah.
GeorgeHey, you grew a beard, huh?
Corbin BernsenYeah, yeah. I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.
GeorgeHey. You know, do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.
Corbin BernsenReally.
Flash forward to the middle of George's 'pitch'.
George...so mind you, at this point I'm only going out with her two or three weeks. So she goes out of town and she asks me to feed her cat. So at this time, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life and, uh, it slips my mind for a few days. Maybe a week. Not a week, five, six days.
Corbin BernsenYeah yeah yeah. So what happened?
GeorgeWell, it's the damnedest thing. The cat dies. So she comes back into town, she finds the cat lying on the carpet stiff as a board.
Corbin BernsenSo you killed the cat.
GeorgeThat's what she says. I say, listen. It was an old cat. It died of natural causes. So get this, now she tells me that I gotta buy her a brand new cat. I say listen, honey. First of all, it was a pretty old cat. I'm not gonna buy you a brand new cat to replace an old dying cat. And second of all, I go out to the garbage, I find you a new cat in fifteen seconds. I say, you show me an autopsy report that says this cat died of starvation, I spring for a new cat. So she says something to me, like, uh, I dunno, get the hell out of here, and she breaks up with me. Now don't you think that would be a great case on L.A. Law?
Corbin Bernsen just stares at George.
Flash forward, George is now talking with George Wendt in the same hallway.
GeorgeI don't wanna tell you how to run your show.
George WendtOh, of course not.
GeorgeBut really, it's enough with the bar already.
George WendtYeah, well.
GeorgeSeriously, have they though about changing the setting?
George WendtDoubt it, I doubt it. Yeah.
GeorgeReally? Because people do meet in places besides a bar, huh?
George WendtWell yeah, they do, heh heh.
GeorgeWhat about a rec room? Huh? Or a community center.
George Wendt (checking his watch, obviously uncomfortable): Yeah, you oughta write one of those.
GeorgeYeah?
George WendtYeah, I'll bring it up with the producers, I gotta... uh...
GeorgeFabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!
Jerry walks up as George Wendt leaves hastily.
JerryHow's it going?
GeorgeGreat! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.
JerryReally?
GeorgeYeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!
JerryYou got toilet paper on your heel there.
George looks down, Jerry walks away.
AnnouncerIt's the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen, George Wendt and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Quick cut to Corbin Bernsen, mid-interview.
Corbin BernsenOh yeah, yeah, people are always coming up to me trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law, just a few seconds ago, right here, right outside in the hallway this nut, some sick nut comes up to me and says he's supposed to watch this girl's cat while she's away out of town. Anyway he forgets to feed the cat, the cat dies, starves to death, he kills the cat, refuses to get her a new one, won't give her any money, won't pay her, and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy. Yeah, that'd make a *great* case for L.A. Law. Thanks a lot.
Quick shot of the audience, everyone is laughing besides George.
HelenaHe's a very handsome man. Passionate, intense, but troubled, strange. I think he may be in love with me. Of course there's nothing abnormal about that, I have many suitors.
Cut back to the Tonight Show, George Wendt, mid-interview.
George WendtIt's funny, 'cause even after all these years, we still get people giving us advice, how to improve the show. Actually, a few moments ago I ran into a nut back there, he said, you know, that maybe we should think about, you know, not doing the show in a bar.
Another quick shot of the audience, again everyone is laughing besides George.
Cut back to the police station. One of the kids from the van Kramer hitched a ride to LA in (see "The Keys") known only as 'The Freak' is being questioned by the Lt.
The FreakSo that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude. You ever killed a man before?" And he said, "What do you think, Junior? These hands have been soaking in Ivory liquid?
Cut back to the Tonight Show, Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt are talking between takes.
George WendtThe guy you talked to, what did he look like?
Corbin BernsenShort little bald guy with glasses.
George WendtYeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.
Corbin BernsenIt never ends, does it?
JerrySo I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt.
Quick shot of the audience, nobody is laughing.
Quick shot of an extremely uncomfortable Jerry.
Cut back to the police station. The Lt. is on the phone.
Lt. Martel: Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer.
JerryI was terrible.
GeorgeWhat are you, crazy? You were fine.
JerryNah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh...
GeorgeConveyor belt.
JerryYeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
GeorgeI can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?
JerryYes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe.
George and Jerry walk past a TV and stop as a special report is being broadcast.
TV NewscasterOur top story tonight, there has been a break in the so called 'Smog Stranglings'. Police have just released a photo of the suspect being sought in connection with the slayings. He is known only as "Kramer".
George and Jerry stare at each other in disbelief.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Closing monologue.
Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show. You know, they're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How we doin' on time? Anybody know what the time is? What's the time? Check the time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast, stay with us."
[END SHOW]