Jerry and George continue their Hollywood search for Kramer — who has become a suspect in the Smog Strangler murders.
There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well..."listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?". I don't even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground..."aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."
GEORGE AND JERRY ARE IN A CAR. GEORGE IS GRABBING JERRY'S ARM
GeorgeHe's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!
JerryWould you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!
GeorgeWhat are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?
JerryObviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
GeorgeHope he's not the guy.
JerryCouldn't be the guy...nah.
GeorgeGod, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.
JerryHow can you think of food at the time like this?
GeorgeTime like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
JerryI told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!
GeorgeI couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.
JerryYou should've had some eggs.
GeorgeFor lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
JerryHave you ever heard of egg salad?
GeorgeWhy didn't you say something then?
JerryI've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
GeorgeI need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.
JerryI've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there.
GeorgePay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.
BACK TO GEORGE AND JERRY ON THE STREET
JerryI don't have any change. You've got any change?
GeorgeNo, I don't have any change. I never carry change.
JerryWell, we need change and all I have is twenties.
GeorgeI have a ten.
JerrySo, break it.
GeorgeI hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
JerrySo, buy something.
GeorgeWhat?
JerryI don't know, some mints or TicTacs.
GeorgeBreath problem?
JerryNo, I just want some change.
GeorgeTell me.
JerryYour breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious.
GeorgeYou know, I haven't eaten anything.
JerryI just wanna call the police!
GeorgeWhy don't you just call 911?
JerryBut is this an emergency?
GeorgeOf course it is.
JerryHow is this an emergency?
GeorgeYour friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.
JerryAll right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza...
GeorgeWhat's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!
JerryOh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
GeorgeWhat am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
JerryYour name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.
GeorgeReally?
JerrySure.
GeorgeYou think so?
JerryOh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. [George leans close] would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?
GeorgeI don't know.
JerryWe don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy.
GeorgeExcuse me, where are we?
ManEarth.
JerryHey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman.
GeorgeExcuse me Ms. which street are we on?
WomanI don't know.
GeorgeYou don't know?
WomanI don't know.
GeorgeHow come you don't know what street are you on?
WomanYou don't know.
JerryGeorge, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? [George shakes his head] No...do we know where 170 is? [George shakes his head] No...do we know where 134 is? [George just looks at Jerry] No. Aha, ok. [Jerry hangs up] He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up.
[Police car rolls by the sidewalk and stops. The police listens their conversation.]
GeorgeBlack and white?
JerryA cop car.
GeorgeWhy didn't you just say that?
JerryI thought it sounded kind of cool.
GeorgeOh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.
JerryOh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in.
GeorgeI'll bet you, how much?
JerryHer tip.
GeorgeYou've got a bet.
JerryOk.
GeorgeHow much do you tip a chamber maid?
PoliceWhich one of you is Costanza?
[Jerry and George point at each other.]
PoliceGet in.
GeorgeHi, how are you guys? Listen, does either one of you have like a mint or piece of gum or...
KRAMER IS SHAVING. HE SNEEZES AND GETS SHAVING CREAM ON THE MIRROR
BACK TO THE POLICE CAR WITH JERRY, GEORGE AND TWO COPS
GeorgeJerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.
JERRY SEARCHES FOR THE HANDLE, BUT CAN'T FIND ONE
JerryHey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here.
CopCut it up back there.
GeorgeHe started it.
JerryI did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?
CopI don't think so.
JerryBut you could?
CopOh yeah, of course we could. We can do anything we want.
Cop 2: We could drive on the wrong side of the road.
CopYeah, we do that all the time. You should see the looks on people's faces.
Cop 2: Shoot people...
GeorgeYou guys ever shot anybody?
CopsNo...
GeorgeHey, can I flip on the siren?
JerryWhy are you bothering them for?
GeorgeI'm just asking, all they have to do is say no.
CopYeah, go ahead.
GEORGE TRIES THE SIREN.
GeorgeWohoo, check it out.
JerryCan I try it?
CopYeah, go ahead, hurry up.
JERRY TRIES THE SIREN
JerryScared the hell out of that guy.
GeorgeYou know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waaaa, waaaa", you know now it "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?
JerryYeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Jerry and
GeorgeEee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
CopHey!
KRAMER IS COMBING HIS HAIR. TRYING TO GET THE COMB THROUGH.
KramerI'm dizzy.
BACK TO THE POLICE CAR
JerryNice shotgun.
CopThanks.
JerryClean as a whistle.
GeorgeYou could eat of that shotgun.
JerryWhat is that, a 12 gauge?
CopYeah.
Jerry12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
GeorgeMy favorite.
JerryMine too, love the 12 gauge.
GeorgeMakes the 11 gauge look like a cap pistol.
CopWhat do got over there?
Cop 2: I don't know.
CopLooks like a possible 5-19.
Jerry5-19? What's a 5-19?
GeorgeWhere?
Cop 2: Think so?
CopLooks like it.
JerryI can't believe this. A 5-19?
GeorgeWhere, where? I can't see.
CopThis is car 23, we have a possible 5-19 in progress, over.
Cop 2: All right, let's pull over and check it out.
JerryPull over? You can't pull over.
GeorgeWhat are you doing? Where do you think you're going?
JerryPull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
GeorgeHey hey hey, we're in a rush here.
JerryWe have an appointment!
GeorgeWhat are you doing?!
JerryGreat.
COPS GO TO ARREST A GUY FOR TRYING TO STEAL A CAR
GeorgeThere's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
JerryWhich flavor?
GeorgeMilano.
JerryCops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
GeorgeShould I take some?
JerryI think that's a 5-19.
GeorgeI'm starving...
GEORGE REACHES FOR THE COOKIES AND THE COPS SLAM A GUY ON THE HOOD AND GEORGE BACKS AWAY
JerryThey're busting this guy.
GeorgeThey're cuffing him.
JerryI can't believe this.
GEORGE GET CLOSER TO JERRY AND THEY THROW THE GUY NEXT TO GEORGE
MONOLOGUE:
I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole "you have the right to remain silence"-speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."
BACK TO POLICE CAR
GeorgeHi.
JerryHi, I'm Jerry.
GeorgeGeorge, how you doing?
GEORGE OFFERS HIS HAND, BUT THE GUY IS IN CUFFS
GuyWhat did you do?
GeorgeNothing.
JerryNothing.
GuyOh yeah right, me neither. Hey I didn't do nothing!
CopShut up.
JerryHot out.
GuyBrutal.
GeorgeWhat do you tip a chamber maid.
GuyI don't know, five bucks a night.
JerryNo, a dollar, two tops.
GuyHey, you guys aren't cuffed. What are you, narks?
GeorgeNarks?
JerryImagine, us narks?
GeorgeNo no no, you know actually we are friends of a serial killer.
GuyReally? Well, that's very nice.
GeorgeOh, thank you.
JerrySuspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it.
GeorgeYeah well, we don't think.
JerryWe're pretty sure.
GuyA dollar a night?
JerryYeah, that's a good tip!
GuyThat stinks!
JerryI read it in Ann Landers.
GuyOh, Ann Landers sucks!
Cop 2: Hey, shut it up back there.
Police radioAttention all units, attention all units, all units code 3. All units in the area, code 3 in progress, 1648 North Bartholis, units required for assistance in apprehension of 702.
CopThat's smog strangler.
JerryKramer.
Cop 2: Got him. Let's go.
POLICE CAR COMES TO THE SCENE. JERRY OPENS THE BACK DOOR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND THEY GO AFTER THE COPS
JerryI wanna see what's happening.
GeorgeI don't know why I'm doing this.
LT MARTEL KNOCKS ON A DOOR AND KRAMER OPENS
KramerJerry, George!
Lt. Martel: You are under arrest in first degree murder and death of Ms Chelsea Lang.
THE CAR THIEVE GUY RUNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR THAT JERRY AND GEORGE LEFT OPEN
KRAMER IS RUSHED THROUGH A GROUP OF PRESS
ReportersWhy did you do it? What possessed you?
KramerI don't know...
COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES CENTRAL JAIL
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE VISITING KRAMER
KramerHey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
JerryWe're doing fine. How are you?
KramerWhat me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm in developed vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up at it. Yeah, I'm a player.
GeorgeA player?
KramerYeah, a player...
JerryKramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?
KramerWhat? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
JerryKramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!
KramerSo? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?
JerryWell, yeah...sure.
PoliceKramer, let's go. The Lieutenant wants to see you.
KramerOk, yeah. All right look, I'll be out of here by noon. Maybe we'll have lunch together, huh?
KRAMER GOES WITH THE POLICE OFFICER, BUT ASKS IF HE COULD SAY JUST ONE MORE THING
KramerHelp me!! Help me!
OFFICER DRAGS KRAMER AWAY
KRAMER IS BEEN INTERROGATED BY LT. MARTEL
KramerI didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!
Lt. Martel: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you, have you got that?
KramerYou're making a big mistake.
Lt. Martel: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay.
KramerWhat?
Lt. Martel: Now you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.
KramerWow wow wow wow, you've got the wrong man!! It wasn't me!
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
KramerOk, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...
Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough, maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raised, maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory
Krameryou're a weed.
KramerNo...
Lt. Martel: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers.
KRAMER SOBS
Lt. Martel: You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer?
KRAMER CRIES
Lt. Martel: You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?
PHONE RINGS
OfficerLieutenant, it's for you.
Lt. Martel: Martel...yeah...yeah...yeah...yeah.
KRAMER KEEPS CRYING
OfficerWhat it is, Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: Let him go.
OfficerWhat, but Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.
KramerHey, how did you know about the guy in the park?
Lt. Martel: I said beat it!
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE WAITING OUTSIDE OF THE JAIL
KRAMER WALKS OUT
KramerHahaa!
GeorgeWhat?
JerryWhat happened?
KramerSomebody got killed while they had me in custody.
JerryReally? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!
GeorgeYou're kidding? Somebody else got killed?
JerryWhile you were in jail. So you're free.
KramerYes, I'm free. [singing] 'cause the murderer struck again!
THEY ALL DANCE A FEW STEPS AND THEN AS A POLICE GOES BY THEY LEAVE QUIETLY
KRAMER, JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HILLS OF L.A.
JerrySo Kramer, what are you going to do?
KramerDo? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
GeorgeKramer, what the hell are you talking about?
KramerWhat do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
GeorgeI'd like to hear that.
JerryYeah...
KramerWell, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
JerryKramer, she was murdered!
KramerYeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
GeorgeAs a suspect in a serial killing.
KramerOk, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.
GeorgeWhat did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.
JerrySo you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
KramerNo no I'm not ready, things are starting to happen.
GeorgeTaste this, is this a dill?
JerryNo, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything.
KramerOk, it's forgotten.
GeorgeTarragon? Oh, you're crazy.
JerryWell, take it easy.
KramerYeah, ok.
GeorgeYeah, take care. Stay in touch.
KramerHey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...
JerryOh, no...
GeorgeNo, you're crushing my sandwich.
JERRY AND GEORGE AT THE HOTEL. GEORGE IS KICKING THE TUCKED COVERS.
JerryYeah, it's so nice when it happens to you.
BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JERRY ARE WATCHING TV.
GeorgeMint?
JerryNo thanks.
GeorgeI've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.
JerryIt's been three days already, forget about Lupe.
GeorgeDo you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
JerryNo, I don't.
GeorgeYou would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
JerryYeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
GeorgeI'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
JerryHow much did you wound up tipping her?
GeorgeOh my God, I forgot!
JerryWell, communism didn't work.
KRAMER WALKS IN
KramerHey!
KRAMER GOES TO THE FRIDGE
KramerAny mustard? This is empty.
JerryYeah, there's a new one in there.
KramerNo no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?
JerryHelp yourself.
KramerYeah, all right.
GeorgeKramer, what are you doing here?
KramerGetting something to eat.
JerryKramer, here!
JERRY THROWS THE APARTMENT KEYS TO KRAMER. KRAMER WALKS OUT AND COMES BACK WITH HIS KEYS. HE THROWS THEM TO THE TABLE KNOCKING JERRY'S SODA.
ACTION NEWS. KEITH MORRISON.
NewscasterAuthorities exposed today, that the latest suspect in the smog strangling was apprehended this week on an unrelated charge, but somehow managed to escape from the police car, in which he was being held. Tobias Lehigh Nagy, who is also wanted in connection with a series of unrelated slains in the North West is still at large, his whereabouts unknown. He's described as 5'5" bald and reputedly a very generous tipper.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off, but don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange, do you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors."
[THE END]