George loses his glasses and thinks he sees Jerry's girlfriend kissing his cousin — but can't be sure without his prescription.
[location: nightclub]
JERRYI never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I'm Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. 'What about getting up after five hours sleep?', oh that's Morning Guy's problem. That's not my problem, I'm Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you're ..... (?), you're exhausted, groggy, oooh I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There's nothing Morning Guy can do. The only Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy looses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.
[location: Jerry's apartment]
(Elaine and Jerry hang out the window)
ELAINEDo you ever spit on anybody from here?
JERRYNo. You?
ELAINENo. Do you ever think about it?
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEMe too.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMERHey.
JERRYHey.
KRAMERWell I got it!
JERRYYou got me the air conditioner?
KRAMERWhat do you think?
JERRYBeautiful!
ELAINEWhat air conditioner?
KRAMERMy buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.
JERRYIs it a good one?
KRAMERGood one? It's the Commando 8.
JERRYCommando 8?
KRAMER12.000 BTU's.
ELAINEI thought you hated air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.
KRAMERYeah, but Amy likes air conditioning.
ELAINEOooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice:) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.
JERRYAll right.
KRAMEROkay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?
JERRYYeah.
KRAMERYeah.
(George enters the apartment wearing goggles)
KRAMERYeah, rock on!
(Kramer leaves the apartment)
GEORGEI gotta get out of this city.
JERRYSo you're tunneling to the center of the Earth?
GEORGEI'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
ELAINEYou don't have an old pair?
GEORGEI broke 'em playing basketball.
JERRYHe was running from a bee.
GEORGENow if I wanna see anything I gotta wear these.
ELAINEGeorge, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?
JERRYThere's a lot of change down there.
GEORGEWhen I find that guy, this much I vow: those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.
JERRYWe're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!
(Kramer enters the apartment)
GEORGEWhat kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?
ELAINEYeah, especially those frames.
KRAMERYou know you ought to do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical and Columbus Avenue. He'll give you thirty percent off.
GEORGEYeah, come on.
JERRYHey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner.
GEORGEReally?
KRAMERRetail is for suckers.
GEORGEWow. What do I have to do?
KRAMERYou just gotta mention my name.
GEORGEThat's it?
KRAMERThat's it.
[location: J & T Optical]
(George tries on a pair of glasses)
GEORGEWhat about these?
ELAINEThey look good. I liked the other one too. I've liked about five of them.
GEORGEIt's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.
JERRYCome on, George. Pick a face and go with it!
ELAINENow those look good, they're very bold.
GEORGEYes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?
JERRY(While looking at posters of women wearing glasses:) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.
(A man with a dog enters the store)
ELAINEHi there, little doggy. (And to the owner:) Do you mind if I pet your dog?
DOG OWNERIt's okay with me.
ELAINEHey little doggy.
(Elaine pets the dog and he bites her)
ELAINEAaah!
DWAYNEHey, you can't have that dog in here.
(The man leaves the store taking his dog with him)
JERRYAre you okay? Did he bite you?
GEORGECan you believe that guy?
ELAINEI'm okay, it's just a nick.
GEORGEHe just walked away! And once again I'm standing here like a little man. Well not this time!
(George leaves the store and follows the dog owner)
GEORGEYou! Dog man!
(George, without his glasses, squints and it looks like he sees something interesting. He enters the store again)
ELAINEMy leg looks pretty bad.
JERRYOh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.
ELAINEOkay.
JERRY(To George:) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?
GEORGEUuh, no.
JERRYAll right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital.
GEORGE(In a really strange way:) Good, good, do that.
JERRYWhat's the matter?
GEORGEOh, no, nothing.
JERRYWhat is it?
GEORGEI can't tell you.
ELAINEJerry, can we go?
JERRYYeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George:) What do you mean you can't tell me?
GEORGEI can't tell you, don't ask.
JERRYI'm asking!
ELAINEJerry, my leg.
JERRYYeah, yeah, take care.
(Jerry throws her some toilet paper)
JERRYCome on, George, what is it?
GEORGEI saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.
JERRYWhat?
GEORGEThey were right outside!
JERRYAmy and Jeffrey?
GEORGEYes!
JERRYAre you sure?
GEORGEYes, positive.
JERRYBut you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames.
GEORGEI know! I was squinting.
ELAINEListen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.
JERRYWe're gonna have to talk about this later.
(Elaine holds the door open for Jerry)
JERRYThank you. Taxi!
(Jerry and Elaine leave the store)
(George tries on another pair of glasses)
GEORGE(To the store owner:) Excuse me, what do you think of these?
DWAYNEOh, we just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.
GEORGEYes, it is exciting! All right, this is gonna be my new face.
DWAYNEAll right, you have a prescription?
GEORGEYeah.
(George hands over the prescription)
GEORGEKramer...
DWAYNEWhat?
GEORGEKramer...
DWAYNEWhat about him?
GEORGEYou do know Kramer?
DWAYNEYes...
GEORGEWell, I'm mentioning his name.
DWAYNEWhy?
GEORGEBecause... you know...
DWAYNENo, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.
[location: hospital]
ELAINEOh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!
JERRYWhy not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department.
ELAINEJerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!
JERRYBut he was squinting.
ELAINESo what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.
JERRYAre you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!
DOCTEROkay.
ELAINEOkay? That's it? I don't need a shot?
DOCTERNot shot, dog bite.
ELAINENo, no, no. I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
DOCTERNot shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.
[location: Jerry's apartment]
(Jerry and Amy watch television)
JERRYNow, look at this. Cable's out.
AMYOh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.
JERRYNo, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing.
(Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number)
JERRYI like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?
AMYYesterday?
JERRYYeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out.
AMYI didn't do anything.
JERRYOh you must have done something.
AMYNo, nothing really.
JERRYDidn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
AMYWell, I did go out for a little while.
JERRYWell, your day's getting more interesting already.
(Jerry shows the phone)
JERRYAh, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied.
AMYYou can't thrust anyone.
JERRYNo you can't. Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?
AMYWhat are you talking about?
JERRYLook, my friend saw you.
AMYSaw me? With who?
JERRYYou tell me.
AMYThere's nothing to tell.
JERRYThere isn't?
AMYNo.
JERRYOh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
(Amy stands up and walks away)
AMYI had a feeling this was to good to be true.
JERRYWhy?
AMYI knew there had to be another side to you.
JERRYNo, no, there's no side!
AMYThere is a side, an ugly side.
JERRYNo, no, no ugly side.
AMYLook, I think I'm gonna go.
JERRYWhy?
AMYIt's really hot in here.
JERRYUuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?
AMYYeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?
JERRYIt's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
[location: Jerry's apartment]
JERRYI was an idiot for listening to you!
GEORGEHey, I saw what I saw.
JERRYOoh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side.
GEORGEWhat side?
JERRYA bad side, an ugly side.
GEORGEOoh, so what?
JERRYSo what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
GEORGEWhy don't you just ask Jeffrey?
JERRYAh, he'd just deny it.
GEORGEThere must be some way to find out.
JERRYAmy said nothing happened.
GEORGEWhat, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!
JERRYYeah, but you're blind as a bat!
GEORGEI was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? I was spotting those raccoons.
JERRYThey were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.
GEORGEHey look, a dime.
(George walks over to the other end of the room and picks up a dime)
GEORGEMercury head. You mind?
JERRY(Stunned:) No, keep it.
(Elaine enters the apartment)
JERRYHey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago.
ELAINEThere was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.
JERRYA little white dog?
ELAINEYeah.
JERRYSnowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
ELAINEI'm afraid of dogs now.
JERRYHe's like a squirrel.
ELAINEWell he frightened me.
GEORGEDid you get the shot?
ELAINENo. He said I didn't need a shot.
GEORGEYou got bit by a strange dog and you didn't get a rabies shot?
ELAINEWhat, you think I should have?
(George indicates 'yes')
JERRYYou know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog.
ELAINEAll right, that's a good idea. I'm gonna do that.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMERThe AC is on his way.
GEORGEPardon me, I went to see your friend Dwayne... there was no discount.
KRAMERWhat?
GEORGEThat's right, no discount!
KRAMERWell did you mention my name?
GEORGEYes, I mentioned your name.
KRAMERAnd?
GEORGEBubkis!
KRAMERNow I don't believe this. That guy owes me big time. I got him off sugar! Look, I'm gonna go down there with you right now.
GEORGEAll right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.
JERRYHey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!
KRAMERLittle Snowball? He runs on batteries!
(George takes a bite out of an union)
ELAINEYou know, George, that's an union.
GEORGEYes it is.
(And he takes another bite)
ELAINEHe couldn't tell an apple from an union and he's your eye witness?
GEORGEI saw them making out, you can believe it.
JERRYI don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on.
KRAMERLook, all you gotta to is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.
JERRYHey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time.
KRAMERRight this way, mister Doody!
GEORGEYou'll see I'm right.
[location: J & T Optical]
KRAMERHey, Dwayny.
DWAYNEOh hello Kramer.
KRAMERWhat is going on here?
DWAYNEWhat are you talking about?
KRAMERI'm talking about the thirty percent discount.
ELAINEUhm excuse me... uh... a man came in here...
GEORGEElaine, don't interrupt, they're discounting something.
DWAYNEWho said anything about a discount.
KRAMEROoh, how quickly we forget. You owe me buddy.
DWAYNEFor what?
(Kramer pulls out a candy bar)
KRAMERRemember this?
DWAYNEWhat are you doing?
KRAMERSix months ago you were eating four of those for breakfast and chasing it with a ring ding. And two butter fingers on the train. Sounds familiar?
DWAYNEPut that away!
KRAMERRemember that night I found you at Dinky Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls! They wouldn't serve you anymore! You wouldn't even have any teeth if it wasn't for me taking you over to Joe's fruit stand and stuff a cantaloupe down your throat! So much for gratitude... yeah, yeah, yeah!
DWAYNEAll right, all right, all right! I'll give him the discount, just put that thing away! This squares us.
ELAINECan I just have the name...
DWAYNEOut!
KRAMERWe'll see you Dwayne.
[location: Jerry's apartment]
(George shows Jerry his glasses)
JERRYI don't know what to tell you, Elton.
ELAINE(While reading a book:) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies: anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!
JERRY(To George:) Who picked these out?
GEORGEI did!
JERRYThey're ladies' glasses! All you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
GEORGEWell Elaine was supposed to help me.
(Elaine runs over to George and starts screaming)
ELAINEHey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!
JERRYHey, hey.
ELAINEI'm sorry... sorry.
(Kramer enters the apartment with the air conditioner in his arms)
KRAMERCommando 8 has arrived!
JERRYTake it to the window.
KRAMER12.000 BTU's of raw cooling power.
(Kramer places the air conditioner in the window)
KRAMERInstalled!
GEORGEThat's it? You don't have to screw it in or anything?
KRAMERNo, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry:) I'll seal that up later, right?
JERRYJust in time for Amy.
GEORGEOh yeah, when are you gonna execute that plead?
ELAINEI've got such a headache. Oh, that's another symptom!
KRAMEROf what?
JERRYRabies.
KRAMEROh that's fatal, you don't want that!
(Elaine runs over to Kramer and starts screaming again)
ELAINEI know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!
JERRYHey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?
ELAINEI'm sorry, Kramer, I'm sorry.
KRAMERNo, no, it's all right. I had a friend who had rabies once.
(George's eating chips)
KRAMERMay I have one of those, madam?
GEORGEMadame? What are you calling me madam for?
KRAMERThey're ladies' glasses.
(Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside)
KRAMERNow look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
GEORGEHe sold me ladies' glasses!
ELAINEI... I think I'm... I'm having trouble swallowing. I can't... I can't swallow.
KRAMERShe's got rabies, just like my friend Bob Sacamano. She's delirious.
(Elaine drinks some water and drools)
KRAMERShe's foaming at the mouth!
[location: hospital]
ELAINEIs this gonna hurt?
DOCTERYes, very much.
(Elaine gets the shot)
[location: Jerry's apartment]
ELAINEWhat if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?
JERRYOh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel.
ELAINELet me tell you this: there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!
JERRYHe does look like a horse.
ELAINEYeah, he's got a real horse face. (Elaine, while looking out the window:) Here, look at this! It's the guy with the dog! (She opens the window and screams:) Hey! You down there! Remember me? I had to get shot because of your stupid dog!
DOG OWNERWho are you calling stupid?
JERRYHey, shall we spit on him?
ELAINENo no no no, come on, let's go downstairs.
(Kramer enters the apartment)
KRAMER(Singing:) Oh myyyy papayaaaa.
(The air conditioner wobbles)
KRAMERThe air conditioner!
(Kramer tries to keep it from falling by holding it's cord, but it snaps)
KRAMERI think it got the dog!
[location: New York Health Club's locker room]
GEORGEOh boy.
BLIND
MANExcuse me, I'm new here, would you mind walking me back to my locker?
GEORGEOh uuh, sure, hang on. Hey, that's the guy.
BLIND
MANWhat guy?
GEORGEThe guy that stole my glasses. This time I got 'em!
(George follows the man onto the street, dragging the blind man with him)
GEORGEWould you pick it up a little?
BLIND
MANWhere the hell are we going?
GEORGEHe's getting on a bus, damn! (To the blind man:) Those are nice glasses.
BLIND
MANI don't like 'em, they pinch my nose.
GEORGEIs that really?
[location: J & T Optical]
(George has taken the blind man with him)
GEORGEDwayne, my friend and I would like to exchange frames. Could you put his lenses in my frames and mine in his?
DWAYNE(While eating a candy bar:) Yeah, we can do that.
GEORGEAnd I'd like a discount.
DWAYNEWhy should I give you a discount.
GEORGEListen, you're lucking I'm not asking for a refund. You gave me ladies' frames!
BLIND
MANWhat's that about ladies' frames?
(The man with the dog enters and the dog wears a collar)
DOG OWNERI'm trying to track down that lady that was in here the other day, the one that was messing with my dog.
GEORGEYeah, well, she's trying to track you down.
DOG OWNERWell I would love to talk with her. She lives on 81st Street, right?
GEORGENo, that's Jerry.
DOG OWNERReally? You wouldn't happen to know what apartment he's in, would you?
GEORGEYeah, 5A!
DOG OWNERThanks a lot!
[location: in front of Jeffrey's apartment]
AMYSo what are we doing here?
JERRYOh, you'll find out.
AMYI don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.
JERRYWell, I'm very mysterious by nature.
(Jerry knocks on the door)
JERRYA lot of women find that attractive.
AMYI find it annoying.
JERRYReally?
(Uncle Leo opens the door)
UNCLE LEOHelloooo!
JERRYUncle Leo!
UNCLE LEOCome on in.
JERRYThis is Amy.
UNCLE LEOHello Amy.
JERRYUnlce Leo, what are you doing here?
UNCLE LEOJeffrey went out tonight.
JERRYOoh! Very convenient.
UNCLE LEOI'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!
JERRYOh really?
UNCLE LEOThat's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussings...
JERRYUncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?
UNCLE LEOOh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.
JERRYThank you.
AMYWhat tickets?
JERRYTo the Paul Simon concert in the park!
AMYWe're going to the Paul Simon concert?
JERRYThat's right, lady!
AMYOh what a great surprise!
JERRYI thought you'd like that.
AMYOooh, that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.
JERRYNow you know. That, and that alone, is the reason.
UNCLE LEOHear Jeffrey's favorite animal: the leopard.
AMYWhy is that?
UNCLE LEOHe likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.
JERRYThank you.
UNCLE LEOOh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that he's very sorry and he hopes you'll forgive 'em.
JERRY(To Amy:) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!
AMYWhat are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?
JERRYOh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time.
UNCLE LEOWhat are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.
JERRYOh... oh... wanna get some pizza?
[location: in front of J & T Optical]
(George is walking with the blind man)
GEORGEWait, these really do pinch the nose.
(George takes of his glasses)
BLIND
MANTough luck! Deal's a deal.
GEORGEOh my got it is them.
(George puts on his glasses again and sees it's a woman kissing a horse)
[location: New York Health Club locker room]
JERRYI still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I've got to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.
GEORGEYeah. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...
(The camera shows George's glasses on top of his locker)
[END SHOW]