The Sniffing Accountant

Jerry, George and Elaine at Monk's Caf

JerrySo, does he like you?

ElaineWhat do you think?

JerryYou like him?

ElaineYeah, yeah like him, definitely like him. I like him a lot.

GeorgeWhat's wrong with him?

ElaineNothing, and I've looked.

GeorgeWell, I'm sure you'll find something.

JerrySo, how did you meet him?

ElaineIn the office.

JerrySo, he's a writer.

ElaineYeah.

JerryYeah, big surprise.

ElaineSo, I was sitting at the reception desk, I was looking pretty hot. I was wearing my sling back pumps.

GeorgeWhat are those?

ElaineAsk your mother, you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.

JerrySo, what did you do?

ElaineI said: "So, what do you think?". And he said, "Gabardine?". And I said, "Yeah." That was it.

GeorgeWow, just felt your material?

ElaineYeah...Jake Jarmel.

GeorgeSounds like a cool guy.

JerrySounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on.

GeorgeJerry, where did you get that sweater?

JerryWhat do you think? I found it at the back of my closet.

GeorgeI think that's what the back of closets are for.

*Elaine looks out the window*

ElaineHey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry.

JerryHey...

ElaineHi.

GeorgeWho's that?

JerryThat's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant.

GeorgeI don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.

ElaineOh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

*Barry comes in*

JerryHey Barry, how you doing? This is my friend George.

BarryHi George.

ElaineHi, what are you doing on this neighborhood?

BarryNothing really. *sniffs* You, eh, you eat here?

JerryYeah, so how's my money?

BarryStill green. *sniffs*

JerryWhat, you got a cold?

BarryNo, no.

ElaineWow, look at that ring.

BarryOh, you like that? *sniffs* Say, where's the bathroom?

JerryBathroom, bathroom is right over there.

*Barry goes to bathroom*

JerryDid you see that?

ElaineSee what?

GeorgeYes, I saw that.

JerryWhat was all that sniffing?

ElaineI don't know.

JerryYou don't think...?

ElaineOh, no! Come on Jerry.

GeorgeHe was definitely sniffing.

JerryI mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy can write checks to himself right out of my account.

ElaineI have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.

JerryThen, what was all that sniffing?

ElaineMaybe it's the cold weather.

JerryToday is not cold.

GeorgeAll right, I've got to get going. My parents are expecting me.

ElaineDon't forget to wash your hands before supper.

*Costanza's. George, Estelle and Frank are eating dinner. George is pounding a ketchup bottle.*

FrankWhy do you need all that ketchup for?

GeorgeThis is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.

FrankSo, I talked to Phil Casacof today.

EstellePhil Casacof?

FrankYeah, you know my friend, the bra salesman. He says they are looking maybe to put somebody on so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.

GeorgeNext Friday, what time?

Frank2 o'clock.

GeorgeThat's my whole afternoon! I was going to look for sneakers.

FrankYou can look for sneakers the next day!

EstelleHe doesn't know anything about bras.

GeorgeI know a little. Besides, what do you have to know?

FrankWell, it wouldn't hurt to go in the and be able to discuss it intelligently. Maybe you should take a look at a few bras? Where is you bra? Give him a bra to look.

EstelleI am not giving him a bra.

FrankWhy not?

EstelleBecause I don't need him looking at my bra.

FrankWhy, so he'll go to the interview and he wouldn't know what he's talking about!?!

GeorgeDo we have to...?

FrankYou don't even know what they're made from.

GeorgeThey are made from lycra-spandex.

FrankGet out of here! Lycra-spandex?

EstelleI think they are made from lycra-spandex.

FrankWanna bet? How much you wanna bet?

EstelleI'm not betting!

FrankTake a look.

EstelleAll right, I'll get a bra.

FrankI don't know what the big problem is getting a bra?!

GeorgeShe doesn't want to get a bra.

FrankI'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history, but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.

GeorgeAll right, it wouldn't kill me.

FrankHow long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

GeorgeI-I know about the cups.

FrankYou got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.

GeorgeI know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

EstelleHere, here's the bra.

FrankLet me see it.

Estelle100% lycra-spandex.

FrankLet me see it.

EstelleI told you. Here, think you know everything?

FrankHmm, that's surprising. All right, what else? You got the cups in the front, two loops in the back. All right, a guess that's about it.

GeorgeI got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back.

EstelleYou got ketchup on it!

*George takes his plate and the ketchup and leaves.*

*5A. Jerry and Kramer.*

KramerSniffing, what do you mean sniffing?

JerrySniffing, with his nose.

KramerJerry, he probably had a cold.

JerryNo, I asked him.

KramerSo, what are you saying?

JerryI don't know, you know, what if...?

KramerDrugs? You think he's on drugs?

JerryI don't know. All I know he was sniffing.

KramerJerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.

JerryI know.

KramerAnd Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you.

JerryLook, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.

KramerWell, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?

JerryNo, he didn't use 'man'.

KramerI mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ?

JerryNo, but in one point he did use the bathroom.

KramerWhoh!

JerryDo you think that's a bad sign?

KramerYes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?

JerryI don't know. This sweater really itches me. You want it?

KramerYeah.

*Elaine's apartment. Jake is there and Elaine comes in.*

ElaineHello.... hello, oh...

JakeWell, you notice anything?

ElaineYou have cleaned out the whole apartment and you're making dinner. Oh, you are a perfect, you are a perfect man.

*Jake feels Elaine's coat material.*

JakeOoh...

ElaineDid anyone call?

JakeI got a few messages, I wrote them down.

ElaineWhere are they?

JakeLets see, they are...here they are.

ElaineThank you. Heh, I'll call you back.Ooh, Myra had the baby! Oh, my God that's wonderful! Who called?

JakeShe did.

ElaineShe did? Oh, that's so great!

JakeWhere do you keep the corkscrew?

ElaineIn the drawer on the right. Hmm...

JakeWhat?

ElaineOh it's nothing.

JakeWhat is it?

ElaineIt's nothing.

JakeTell me.

ElaineWell, I was just curious why you didn't use an exclamation point?

JakeWhat are you talking about?

ElaineSee, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.

JakeSo?

ElaineSo, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.

JakeWhat's so curious about it?

ElaineWell, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.

JakeWell, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

ElaineYou don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

JakeHey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

ElaineI just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

JakeOk, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

ElaineWell, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

JakeWell, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

5A. Jerry and Elaine

JerryYou're out of your mind you know that.

ElaineWhat?

JerryIt's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.

ElaineWell, I felt a call for one.

JerryA call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.

ElaineI found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

JerryGeorge was right. Didn't take you long.

*Kramer enters*

KramerAnything new on that guy on drugs?

ElaineHe's not on drugs.

KramerThen why the sniffing? Who walks around *sniff, sniff* sniffing?

ElaineAll right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.

JerryGood idea.

Voice on the phoneProphet and Goldstein.

JerryYes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please. voice: I'm sorry he's out of town.

JerryOut of town? voice: Yes, he went to South America.

JerrySouth America?

KramerSouth America?

JerryI'll call back, thank you. He went to South America!

KramerYyyeeaaah!!

ElaineSo what?

JerryWho goes to South America?

ElainePeople go to South America.

JerryYeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine.

ElaineSo, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?

JerryYes, I'm impugning a continent.

KramerWell, I say we're going to take our money right now!

*Newman enters*

NewmanHey, hey...

JerryHello Newman.

NewmanHello Jerry. So, any news?

KramerYeah, he skipped out and *ptruut* went to South America!

NewmanSouth America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?

ElaineOk, gentlemen. The fact remains you still have no proof. This is all speculation and hearsay.

KramerWait, there is one way to find out. We set up a sting. You know like Abscam. Like Abscam Jerry.

ElaineWhat are you gonna do? You gonna put on a phony beard and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...

JerryWait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...

NewmanIf we put our three heads together we should come up with something.

*Jerry, Kramer and Newman in the Saab*

KramerWhat's today?

NewmanIt's Thursday.

KramerReally? Feels like Tuesday.

NewmanTuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....

KramerI feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

JerryAll right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.

NewmanHey, you know this is kind of fun.

KramerYeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...

JerryYeah maybe you should.

KramerMaybe I will.

NewmanYeah, me too.

JerryAll right, what are you gonna say to him?

KramerJust gonna find out if he's interested.

NewmanHey, hey maybe I should go with him?

JerryNo, you stay in the car.

NewmanWho made you the leader?

JerryAll right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar.

KramerAll right, I'm going in.

JerryBe careful Kramer.

NewmanI've should've gone in with him.

JerryNo, you stay here in the car. I may need you.

NewmanWhat you need me in the car for?

JerryI might need you to get me a soda.

*In the bar. Barry is drinking by the counter. Kramer enters.*

KramerI'll have a brewsky , Charlie.

BartenderName's Mitch.

KramerOh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, eh?

BarryYeah.

KramerOh yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.

*Waiter opens the counter which hits Kramer on the head*

KramerCigarette?

BarryNo, I never touch them.

KramerI suck'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time.

*Kramer drinks the beer and smokes the cigarette at the same time*

*Barry sniffs*

KramerLooks like you've got yourself a little cold there, eh?

BarryI don't think so.

KramerMe neither.

*Kramer puts the cigarette wrong way to his mouth*

*Back in the car with Jerry and Newman.*

JerryYou should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic.

NewmanI use dental tape.

JerryYou should try this.

NewmanI don't wanna.

JerryNot even once?

NewmanNo.

JerryYou're an idiot.

NewmanWhy, because I use dental tape?

JerryRight, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot.

*Back in the bar.*

KramerSouth America?

BarryYeah, yeah.

KramerThat's importuning(?) continent.

BarryThey are expanding their economic base.

KramerTell me about it.

BarryExcuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

KramerI'm hip.

BarryHip to the what?

KramerTo the whole scene. *sniff*

BarryWhat scene?

KramerThe bathroom scene. *sniff, sniff*

BarryListen, don't take this personally, but when I'm coming back I'm sitting over there.

*Back in the car. Newman takes a dental floss out of his mouth.*

NewmanNo, no I don't like it.

JerryWhat do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?

NewmanI like the thick tape.

*Newman puts dental floss on the dashboard. Jerry looks disgusted.*

*The bar. Kramer enters the bathroom, kicks the door open and takes a photograph.*

BarryHeeyy!! What kind of a nut are you?

*George's job interview.*

FarkusSo, basically the job here is quite simple. Selling bras.

GeorgeWell, that interests me very much Mr. Farkus.Very much indeed, sir.

FarkusHave you ever sold a woman's line before?

GeorgeNo, but I have very good repute with women, very good, top form. And the first time I laid my I on brassieres I was enthralled.

FarkusHum. tell me about it.

GeorgeWell, I was 14 years old. I was in my friends bathroom. His mother's brassieres were hanging on the shower rod. I picked it up, studied it. I thought, I like this. I didn't know what way or what level, but I knew: I wanted to be around brassieres.

FarkusThat's incredible story. You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.

GeorgeThey are more than an underwear to me Mr.Farkus. Two cups in the front, two loops in the back. How do they do it?

FarkusWell, I think I can say, barring some unforeseen incident, that you'll have a very bright future here at ED Granmont.

GeorgeThank you Mr.Farkus, thank you very much indeed.

FarkusSee you monday 9 o'clock.

GeorgeIf you don't mind, sir. I'll be here at 8.

FarkusExcellent.

GeorgeSo long, Mr. Farkus.

*George leaves the office and goes to the elevator. A women there is waiting for the elevator. George felts her blouse material.*

Ms. De GranmontWhat you're think you're doing?

GeorgeOh, nothing...

Ms. De GranmontFarkus, get out here!

FarkusYes, Ms. De Granmont?

Ms. De GranmontWho is this pervert little weasel?

FarkusThis is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman. He's supposed to start on monday.

Ms. De GranmontIf he's here on monday, you're not. Take a pick.

Farkus to GeorgeGet out!

Farkus to Ms. De GranmontI'm terribly sorry Ms. De Granmont...

*Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.*

ElaineYou wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?

LippmanI was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.

ElaineYes, krhm, yes I did.

LippmanAnd, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

ElaineWell, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.

LippmanOh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

ElaineRight, well...

LippmanYou put exclamation point after sweatshirt?

ElaineThat's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...

LippmanI see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?

ElaineWell, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then *prrt* nothing comes out...

LippmanGet rid of the exclamation points...

ElaineOk, ok ok ...

LippmanI hate exclamation points...

Elaine...ok I'll just....

*5A. Jerry, Kramer, Newman writing a letter. Elaine reads on the couch.*

Jerry'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'

KramerExclamation point.

ElaineYou still have no proof.

KramerElaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.

Jerry'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.

KramerDouble exclamation point!

NewmanWill that take care of ours too?

JerryYeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.

NewmanHey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.

JerryYeah, thanks.

NewmanIt'll be my pleasure.

*Kramer puts the photograph to the envelope. Newman and Kramer laughs and Newman leaves.*

NewmanSee'ya later.

JerryYou know this...

*Knock on the door. It's pizzaguy*

KramerHey, Ralph.

JerryHi Ralph.

RalphWhat's up fellows? That'll be 14,30.

JerryAll right.

KramerMushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?

JerryYeah.

*Ralph sniffs and rubs his eyes.*

KramerWhat's the matter? You've got a cold?

RalphNo Kramer, what is this?

KramerIt's a sweater.

RalphWhat's it made out of?

KramerI don't know, Jerry gave it to me.

JerryMohair, I think.

RalphMohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.

JerryYou mean you just started sniffing?

RalphYeah, mohair does it to me every time.

*Ralph leaves*

JerryI was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.

KramerJerry, I was wearing it in the bar.

ElaineThe sweater! The sweater made him sniff! I told you he wasn't a drug addict.

JerryOh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!

KramerNot to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

*Jerry leaves the door and comes back second later*

JerryThe what??

*Newman is taking the letter to the mailbox. There's a woman at same time at the letterbox.*

NewmanAfter you.

WomanThank you.

*Newman feels the woman's coat material.*

WomanGet your hands off of me! Johnny!!! Johnny!

*Newman rushes away dropping the letter on the ground.*

*Costanza's*

FrankWhat do you mean you felt the material? What, with your fingers like this?

GeorgeSo what, what is so bad about that?

EstelleWho goes around feeling people's material? What can be gained feeling a person's material? It's insanity!

FrankWhat ever happened to "Why, that's a lovely dress you have on. May I have this dance?"!!

*At the caf. Kramer and Elaine.*

ElaineYou are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

JerrySorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

ElaineWhat is this?

JerryIt's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.

ElaineHe is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?

JerryBankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!

ElaineWhat do you mean, I thought it was the sweater.

KramerAll right, What about the money?

JerryWhat about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if for certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!

*Newman enters and goes to the counter.*

NewmanPair of bear claws, please.

*Jerry approaches Newman, but some women comes between and feels Jerry's shirt.*

WomanNice.

JerryThink so?

WomanYeah, what is it?

JerryHalf silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?

[END SHOW]