The Masseuse

[Setting: Night club]

JERRYIf there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And % these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes: "You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".

[setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]

(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)

JERRYNo eight years isn't such a long streak.

ELAINEIt isn't?

JERRYNo I haven't vomited in thirteen years.

ELAINEGet out!

JERRYNot since June 29, 1980.

ELAINEYou remember the date?

JERRYYes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."

ELAINEBoy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.

JERRYYour boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.

ELAINEYeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go. I gotta go. (she hangs up)

JOANNEHi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.

ELAINEOh, yeah?

JOANNEYeah. What's his name?

ELAINEJoel...

JOANNEJoel what?

ELAINEUh... Rifkin.

MICHAELRifkin? Joel Rifkin?

ELAINEYeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.

MICHAELGuess you better keep on his good side.

ELAINEVery funny. That's very funny.

JOANNEI wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.

ELAINEAll right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.

MICHAELHey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...

ELAINE(she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's]

ELAINEThe whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.

JERRYBut you like your Joel Rifkin.

ELAINEYeah. I just wish he has a different name.

JERRYAsk him to change it.

ELAINEYou can't ask a person to change their name.

JERRYWhy not?

ELAINEWould you change yours?

JERRYIf someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.

(Kramer enters)

ELAINEHey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?

JERRYYeah. Eighteen strangles.

KRAMERYou know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. (saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels)

ELAINEYou know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.

(Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again)

KRAMERI'll go.

ELAINEO.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.

KRAMERYeah! Ooh! (leaves again)

ELAINEYou think I should have asked George?

JERRYHey did you hear that George got back with Karen?

ELAINEKaren?

JERRYRisotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him)

ELAINEOh! The Risotto broad.

JERRYYeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.

ELAINEI tought you didn't like double dates.

JERRYGeorge likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality.

ELAINEI've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.

JERRYHe feels he's funnier, more relaxed.

ELAINEAnd you're taking...

JERRYJody the masseuse.

ELAINEHey, did you get a massage yet?

JERRYNo! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?

ELAINEJerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.

JERRYYeah I know... She just wants to have sex.

ELAINESo what?

JERRYWell it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.

(scene ends)

[setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')]

(Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!)

GEORGE(George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?"

KARENThat is so funny.

GEORGE(to Jody) You're listening to this?

JODIYeah. I heard you.

JERRY(to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.

JODI(to George) So what did she say?

GEORGEWell nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)

JODIYou just said that you said it.

GEORGESweetheart, I was exaggerating.

KARENI'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.

JERRY(touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.

GEORGEYou know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.

JODIHow can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?

GEORGEWell I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.

JODI(to Jerry) Can we go?

JERRYYeah. Let's go.

KARENSo soon? (they get up)

JERRYYeah. Good seeing you again Karen.

KARENYeah.

JODINice meeting you Karen.

KARENYeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage.

JODIOh yeah.

GEORGEJody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug but she avoids him)

JODIYeah. (she and Jerry walk away)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's place later that night]

(Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching TV)

JERRYI strained my neck last night.

JODIReally, how?

JERRYI tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.

JODISo what's the deal with your friend George?

JERRYNo deal. Why?

JODIWhat was all that "attractive women not getting tickets" nonsense?

JERRYHe was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.

JODII don't know how you can hang out with that guy.

JERRYYeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)

JODIDid you see the way that he was eating?

JERRYYeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)

JODII have to tell you, I really don't like him.

JERRYYeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder)

JODIIt's just I hate that type.

JERRYYeah, he's a bad seed.

JODINow you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)

JERRYWhat are you doing?

JODIWhat do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)

(scene ends)

[setting: The Chinese restaurant]

(George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)

GEORGESo, what do you think?

KARENReally enjoyed it.

GEORGEJody's nice.

KARENShe's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.

GEORGEYou think she liked me? She seemed to like me.

KARENYeah

GEORGEI was personable. Don't you think I was personable?

KARENYou were *extremely* personable.

GEORGEI tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?

KARENI didn't pick up anything.

GEORGEThe second time I sent the noodle back, I tought she made a face...

KARENI didn't see a face.

GEORGEI tought I saw a face.

KARENAnyhow, what is the difference?

GEORGENo difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.

KARENGeorge, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango' while saying: "instead of the movie...")

GEORGEHe he he he

KARENAh ah ah ah

GEORGESo you think she likes me?

(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)

(scene ends)

[setting: Elaine's place]

(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind her to massage her neck.)

ELAINE(as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?

JOELMassaging your neck.

ELAINEOh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.

JOELUh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading as he sits beside her)

ELAINEYeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Dion.

JOELDion Benes?

ELAINEWell as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever-- Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.

JOELD-Dion Rifkin?

ELAINEWell maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!

JOELElaine! What is going on?

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(Jerry and George at a booth)

GEORGEShe stayed over?

JERRYYeah. (disappointed)

GEORGEThe sex wasn't so good?

JERRYNo. The sex was fabulous.

GEORGESo?

JERRYI want the massage!

GEORGEDid you ask her?

JERRYI tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it.

GEORGEWhy not?

JERRYI guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.

GEORGESo we had a good time... the four of us.

JERRYYeah.

GEORGEWe all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.

JERRYYeah.

GEORGEWhat did Jodi say?

JERRYShe had a good time.

GEORGEIs that it?

JERRYPretty much.

GEORGEDid she say anything about, uh...

JERRYWhat?

GEORGENah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.

JERRYYeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)

GEORGEYou just hesitated.

JERRYI was blowing on the coffee.

GEORGEShe didn't like me?

JERRYLook it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.

GEORGESo she doesn't like me?

JERRYNo.

GEORGEShe said that?

JERRYYes.

GEORGEShe told you she doesn't like me!

JERRYYes.

GEORGEWhat were her exact--

JERRY"I don't like him."

GEORGEUh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?

JERRYNot everybody likes everybody!

GEORGEI tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?

JERRYYou were very nice!

GEORGEI bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister?

JERRYIt has nothing to do with her sister.

GEORGEI don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!

(scene ends)

[setting: hall in Jerry's building]

(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)

GEORGEYou vomited in 1987.

JERRYOh no. That was the dry heaves.

(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)

JERRYJodi.

JODIHey, Jerry.

GEORGEHa! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here)

JERRYWhat are you doing here?

JODII was giving Kramer a massage.

JERRYKramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)

JODII got to run. I have an appointment downtown.

GEORGEHere. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.

JODINo that's O.K.

GEORGEPlease give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him)

JERRYI'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)

KRAMERHey! I am looser than creamed corn!

JERRYWho told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!

KRAMERYou don't know what you're missing buddy.

(they enter Jerry's apartment)

(scene ends)

[setting: street in front of Jerry's building]

(George and Jodi)

GEORGENo one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.

JODIYou've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep talking to Jodi)

GEORGEWhatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on the kitchen counter)

KRAMER(Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)

JERRYSo you had a good time.

KRAMEROh... yeah...

JERRYEnjoyed yourself.

KRAMERVery... much...

JERRYAll right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)

KRAMERWhat! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)

JERRYThe massages are out!

KRAMERWha--

JERRYAhh!!! They're out!

KRAMERWhy?!

JERRYBecause if I can't get one, you're not getting one.

KRAMERWait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out!

JERRYI'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)

KRAMERWhy? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)

JERRYDon't you ever talk about her like that!

KRAMERBut why?

JERRYThat's final!!!

KRAMERAh!!! Yahh!!!

(scene ends)

[setting: Giants Stadium]

(Elaine and Joel)

ELAINEOh, you have photos in your wallet?

JOELYeah. Why? Is that weird?

ELAINENo, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this?

JOELThat's my mother.

ELAINEOh yeah. I see the resemblance.

JOELNo, there's no resemblance.

ELAINEYeah, there is, right here you see--

JOELElaine, I was adopted.

ELAINE(pause) Oh. That's nice.

JOELThe game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is.

(scene ends)

[setting: ticket counter]

KRAMER(to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.

TICKET MANHere it is. I need some I.D.

KRAMEROh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet.

TICKET MANWell, I can't give it to you then.

KRAMERAre you kidding me?

TICKET MANI'm afraid not.

KRAMERCome on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.

TICKET MANI'm sorry. I need proof.

KRAMERLook, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.

TICKET MANNeither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.

KRAMERWhere is a phone?

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game]

ANNOUNCERLadies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the crowd stops cheering and we see a football player distracted from the game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin)

JOELWho would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around)

ELAINE(to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.

(scene ends)

[setting: Jerry's apartment]

(Kramer enters, moaning)

KRAMEROh, God.

JERRYWhat's the matter with you?

KRAMERJerry, I need another massage!

JERRYYou just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?

KRAMERBecause of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.

JERRYOh please.

KRAMERAnd then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me Jerry!

JERRYWell, did you get the ball?

KRAMEROh I got the ball.

JERRYWell, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.

KRAMERWell, It's quite a thrill.

JERRYWhy don't you get somebody else?

KRAMERBecause nobody does it like she does. She's the best.

JERRYWell, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if and's or but's".

KRAMERWhat about my massage?

JERRYAsk Newman.

(scene ends)

[setting: Monk's]

(George and Karen at a booth)

GEORGESo I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?

KARENOf course.

GEORGENo, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.

KARENWhat, do you think I've never had a massage before?

GEORGEAnyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!

KARENGeorge, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.

GEORGEI wanna know what I did to this woman.

KARENWhat, you got a little thing for her?

GEORGENo, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

KARENWhat difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?

GEORGEYes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

(scene ends)

[setting: Elaine's apartment]

(Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)

ELAINEOf course I support your decision to change your name.

JOELAfter the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going away.

ELAINEWell, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.

JOELSure?

ELAINE(she fakes a strangling) RRR...

JOELO.K. you got your list?

ELAINEYeah. Yeah. 10 names.

JOELRight.

ELAINEO.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it.

JOELO.K.

ELAINEO.K. You start. What's your first choice?

JOELStuart.

ELAINE(right away) No. Second choice.

JOELStu--Stuart's no good?

ELAINEI've never met a normal guy named Stuart.

JOELO-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.

ELAINE(repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto.

JOELAll right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice.

ELAINEGreat...

JOELAlex.

ELAINEI gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.

JOELBad bad association?

ELAINEYeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.

(scnen ends)

[setting: Jerry's place]

(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age music is playing, and the lights are shaded)

JODIHey.

JERRYHi.

JODIHi. (kissing) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.

JERRYAh, no problem. That's fine.

JODIWhat's with this music?

JERRYThat's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table)

JODIWhat are you doing?

JERRYJust checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.

JODIActually, I should get a new one.

JERRYNonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)

JODISo, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)

JERRYGo? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice.

JODI(she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.

JERRYWhy, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)

JODII can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)

JERRYNo. Yes you can. (he hangs on)

JODINo, I can't!

JERRYCome on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)

(scene ends)

[setting: Karen's place]

(George and Karen are making out on the couch)

GEORGEYou know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket) I've got to.

KARENYou're going now?

GEORGEI think I can still catch her.

KARENAll right George. I have had just about enough of this.

GEORGEWhat? What are you talking about.

KARENI am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!

GEORGEI know. I know.

KARENWho is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?

GEORGE(he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)

KARENWell, now *I* hate you!

GEORGEThat I'm used to. (he leaves)

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Elaine's place]

JOELNed?

ELAINEWhat is wrong with Ned?

JOELNed's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!

ELAINEEllis.

JOELEllis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!

ELAINEEllis and Alex aren't even close.

JOELNEXT!

ELAINEOhh, what is the point?

JOELNO, NO. COME ON!

ELAINEO.K. O.K. Remy.

JOELRemy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?

ELAINEOh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.

JOELGrrrr!

(scene ends)

[setting: back to Jerry's]

JERRYWhat do you mean, no?

JODINo means no.

JERRYLook, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.

JODIListen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.

JERRYFine. Go.

(George enters. He's staring at Jodi)

GEORGEJerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?

JERRYWhat for?

GEORGEWe need to talk.

JERRY*You* need to talk?

JODIWe have nothing to talk about.

GEORGELook it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.

JERRYGeorge, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.

GEORGE(he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.

JERRYWhat?

GEORGEShe just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.

JERRYI can see that.

JODII'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.

JERRYDon't worry. (she leaves)

GEORGEA woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.

JERRYYou're a lucky guy.

GEORGEI got to go after her.

JERRYGeorge. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)

GEORGEJODI! (he starts running after her)

[END SHOW]