George pretends to have a job he doesn't have — while Jerry is afraid to tell his barber he wants a different haircut.
Mr. TuttleWell George we here at Sanalac like to think of ourselves as a fairly progressive company. We
have a small but prestigious group of clients.
GeorgeWell a lot of people consider me small and prestigious.
Mr. TuttleThat's funny George. You're very quick. I feel like I, like I don't have to explain every little
thing to you. You understand everything immediately.
GeorgeI enjoy understanding.
Mr. TuttleI want you to have this job. Of course...
SecretaryMr. Zimmer is on line 2.
Mr. TuttleThanks. I've got to take this call. Listen, I'm really glad that you came in.
(commercial)
At Monk's
GeorgeI want you to have this job. Of course...
JerryYeah?
GeorgeThat's it.
JerryWhat do you mean that's it?
GeorgeHe never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.
Jerry"Of course" was the last thing he said?
GeorgeMaybe he was going to say "Of course I have to check with my associates."
Elaine"I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be
serving time."
Jerry"I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite."
GeorgeAll right.
ElaineWhy don't you go ahead and call him?
GeorgeBecause he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what
impressed him.
JerrySo if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job.
GeorgeAnd if I don't call...
JerryYou might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it?
GeorgeRest stop supply.
Kramer comes in and sits down.
KramerYeah, yeah, yeah, hey.
JerryShower?
KramerHaircut.
JerryWho'd you use? Gino?
KramerOh course. I wouldn't let that other butcher cut my hair.
ElaineWhat butcher?
KramerThe uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.
JerryWell I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.
ElaineYou never get good haircuts.
KramerYou can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.
JerryReally?
ElaineYeah. You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor
auction.
KramerWhat bachelor auction?
ElaineOh it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.
KramerAnd you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
JerryI believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
KramerPolio?
ElaineWill you go ahead? You need a haircut.
JerryOkay.
KramerWhat are you all dressed up for?
GeorgeI had a job interview.
KramerYeah. How'd it go?
GeorgeGood. Of course...
EnzoOh Jerry.
JerryOh hi Enzo.
EnzoOh, you've come for the haircut.
JerryNo, actually I was just...
EnzoIt's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been
with me for so long. You're so loyal.
JerryWell I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave)
Enzo(He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference.
It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.
JerryWell I don't want to take too much off.
EnzoHey who's your barber, eh? You tell the joke, I cut the hair.
ManGino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.
At Jerry's apartment.
Jerry is sitting down on the couch with a really bad haircut. He is holding a mirror. Jerry and George are
looking in disbelief at the haircut.
GeorgeHe massacred you. You look like you're five years old.
JerryWhat if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.
GeorgeYou've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship.
JerryI can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd
have to pass him every day when I go by.
GeorgeYou gotta do it.
JerryI can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.
Kramer enters. He flinches when he sees the haircut.
KramerNo way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.
JerryHe did the job. You told me he wasn't going to be there.
KramerSo what?
JerryI didn't want to hurt his feelings.
KramerHis feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself. I'm not going to let
you. If you don't call him I will.
JerryNo Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that.
KramerI'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up.
JerryI don't want you to call him.
KramerAll right, geez. You're crazy.
Kramer leaves.
GeorgeSo I still haven't heard about that job.
JerryYeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that?
GeorgeI have an idea.
JerryYeah?
GeorgeI show up.
JerryWhat do you mean you show up?
GeorgeI show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't
have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
JerryHmm. Not bad.
GeorgeWhat's the worst thing that could happen?
JerryWell, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out
in shame with your tail between your legs.
GeorgeYeah, so?
George(to various people as he walks in) Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Hi nice to see
you. How are you. Good morning. (to the secretary) Good morning.
SecretaryHow can I help you?
GeorgeThe name's George Constanza. I'm starting work here today. I was wondering if you could tell
me where my office is.
SecretaryI wasn't aware that, uh, Mike, this is George Constanza. He's starting here today.
MikeWelcome aboard.
GeorgeThanks Mike. Nice to be aboard.
MikeI wasn't aware that Mr. Tuttle was finished interviewing.
GeorgeOh, well, he was probably just getting anxious to start his vacation.
SecretaryHe wants to know where his office is.
MikeOh, ah, let's see, we've got two. There's a big one down the hall there and a small one over here.
You know I should ask Jack.
GeorgeOh leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems. I'll just take the small office.
MikeReally?
GeorgeYes. I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love
to be nestled.
MikeAll right, it's 808 right down there. Meanwhile, I'll get you the Pensky file, you can start working on that.
GeorgeYes, yes of course. The Pensky file. Ho ho, can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow that
Pensky. Well we'll straighten him out.
George walks into his office. He sets down his briefcase and coat and sits down. He quickly flips through
the folder, then drops the folder on his desk with a big thud.
Camera shot at the clock on his wall. The clock says 9:00.
A moment later, the clock flips to 5:00.
George puts the folder in his briefcase. He picks up the briefcase and his coat and he walks out.
At Monk's. Jerry is wearing a baseball cap.
JerrySo what did you do there all day?
GeorgeThey gave me the Pensky file.
JerrySo it's a nice place to work?
GeorgeYou know I'm enjoying it very much. I think my coworkers are really taking to me.
*flashback* (a white fuzzy border is around the TV screen)
George(continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet
woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast.
*end flashback*
JerryWhat about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?
GeorgeHe'll be back on Monday.
Elaine enters and sits down.
JerryHi.
ElaineHi. How come you're wearing a hat?
JerryI got a haircut.
ElaineOh yeah? Can I see it?
JerryOh there's nothing to see.
ElaineCome on. Let me see it.
JerryForget it.
ElaineCome on.
JerryAll right.
Jerry takes off his baseball cap. Elaine bursts out laughing. George starts laughing. Jerry rolls his eyes in
the air. Elaine and George are still laughing. George pounds his fist on the table.
Elaine(still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
JerryWell I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction.
ElaineWhat? No Jerry, you have to go.
GeorgeYou know Elaine, I'd do it but I'm working that day.
Elaine(dryly) Yeah, too bad.
KramerIt the worst haircut Jerry's ever had. You gotta fix it.
GinoSure, I fix it. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what
he'd do if he found out I touch Jerry's hair. (Enzo enters) So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the
best movie I've ever seen.
EnzoOh ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me
one person who's got hand like scissors.
GinoHey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
EnzoDid you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? (yelling) What are you going to do
on the toilet?
KramerI'd like to have shoehorn hands.
At Monk's.
KramerOkay listen to me. I talked to Gino, he's going to fix the haircut.
ElaineOh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.
JerryYeah, but how am I...
KramerNo buts. His apartment tonight, Eight o'clock.
ElaineCan he fix it?
KramerI don't know.
At Gino's apartment.
GinoBoy, you've got a beautiful head of hair.
JerryThank you.
GinoI bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.
JerryWell actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.
GinoI don't think uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.
JerryThat's nice of you to say.
The buzzer buzzes.
GinoJust a second. Yes.
Enzo(over the speaker) It's your uncle Enzo.
GinoIt's Uncle Enzo. Go in there. I'll clean up.
"The Barber of Seville" music is playing.
Gino picks up the chair and puts it into the closet. He picks up a broom and sweeps some hair into the next
room.
*knock, knock, knock*
Gino opens the door.
GinoUncle Enzo, what are you doing here?
EnzoI've come to apologize.
GinoApologize?
EnzoYes. I rented the move Edward Scissorhands. That Johnny Depp, he make me cry.
GinoHe make me cry too. You want something to drink?
EnzoHey, what's all of this?
GinoNothing. It's just hair.
EnzoYou do haircut in the apartment?
GinoNo. Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.
EnzoIt looks very familiar.
(commercial)
At Jerry's apartment.
JerryIn the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good.
KramerYeah. Slow, gentle, attentive. I told you he could do it.
JerryEnzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor.
KramerYeah, so?
JerryI think he knew.
KramerNo. He doesn't know.
JerryWho do you know? He knows my hair.
KramerListen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself
together.
JerryOkay, okay.
Elaine enters.
ElaineWhat happened? It looks the same.
JerryHe didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
ElaineJerry, the auction is in a few hours.
JerryTake the K-man.
ElaineYou can still go.
KramerWhat are you kidding? Look at him. He's grotesque.
ElaineYou think?
KramerDo I think? He's repugnant.
Elaine fiddles with the hair, trying to make it not look so bad. It doesn't work.
ElaineWhat would you wear?
KramerWhatever it takes.
EnzoSee, now Newman is a good customer.
NewmanOnce I find a barber I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent
for it.
EnzoOh, not everyone like Newman, so loyal.
NewmanYeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.
EnzoYou know I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business.
GinoI'm going to go out for a little bit. I'll be right back.
EnzoTake your time. (Gino leaves) You happy with the haircut?
NewmanIt's okay. A little crooked.
EnzoHow'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
NewmanWhat's the catch?
EnzoYou're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
NewmanHmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts. And a comb.
At George's office.
George is "playing the drums" on his desk. He is tapping his desk with pencils.
*buzz*
Secretary(over the speaker) Mr. Costanza, Mr. Pensky is here to see you.
GeorgeMr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file?
Pensky enters.
PenskyCostanza? Arthur Pensky.
GeorgeMr. Pensky. I was just working on your file. I was transferring the contents of the file into this
flexible accordion-style folder.
PenskyWhere's Tuttle?
GeorgeHe's on vacation.
PenskyHe was on vacation the last time I dropped by. Give me my file. (looks through the file) Looks
like you put a lot of work into this.
GeorgeWell you know in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
PenskyHey, you are Pensky material. Would you ever consider coming to work directly for me?
GeorgeReally?
PenskyYou are aware...
*buzz*
Secretary(over the speaker) Mr. Castanza?
GeorgeNot now Florice.
Secretary(speaker) I thought Mr. Pensky should know they're towing his car.
PenskyDamn this city.
Pensky leaves.
GeorgeI am aware. I am aware.
At Jerry's apartment.
GinoHe knows. He knows about us.
JerryHow do you know?
GinoBecause I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He *staring* at the hair.
*knock knock knock*
JerryWho is it?
NewmanIt's Newman.
GinoHe was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.
JerryAll right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape.
Jerry opens the door.
JerryWhat do you want?
NewmanCan I use your bathroom?
JerryWhat's wrong with yours?
NewmanMy toilet's clogged.
JerryYou can't unclog it?
NewmanNo.
JerryDid you ask Kramer?
NewmanHe's out.
JerryNumber one?
NewmanYes, yes. Can I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.
JerryAll right. Flush twice.
He goes in the bathroom.
Newman(thinking to himself) (checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this.
There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least *one* hair in a brush.
(searches the bathtub drain) Unbelievable, nothing. (sees some scissors) Ahh.
JerryYou all right?
NewmanYeah, yeah.
JerryAll right, I'll see you later.
NewmanWhat are you doing?
JerryI'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
NewmanOh, can I watch a little? It's my favorite movie.
JerryYeah all right.
Newman follows behind Jerry closely as Jerry goes to the kitchen. Newman puts the scissors close up to
Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors.
JerryYou want something to drink?
NewmanNo.
Newman tries again as Jerry goes to his couch. Newman follows behind Jerry closely. Newman puts the
scissors close up to Jerry's hair. Jerry turns around. Newman hides the scissors. Jerry looks at Newman
confused.
JerryIf you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of
a barber.
Newman reaches behind Jerry and get a snip of hair.
NewmanGotta go. Oh gee, I dropped a nickel (reaches down and picks up the hair.)
Newman leaves laughing. Jerry looks confused.
EnzoDid you get it? Oh you done good Newman.
NewmanIt was a cinch. Where are you going?
EnzoIo volgio vandetta.
ElaineNine hundred. Do I hear a thousand? Ladies, he is a Harvard graduate.
WomanA thousand.
ElaineA thousand. Okay, a thousand once, a thousand twice, a thousand three times, sold to the lucky
lady in the third row. Congratulations, thank you so much.
Kramer peeks out the curtain and comes out and walks around on stage.
ElaineOkay next bachelor is number, um 124 on your program. He's uh, he's a high school graduate.
KramerEquivalent.
ElaineOh, uh equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate. He's uh, self-employed. He's...
I don't know, six foot three, 190 pounds, he likes, uh... fruit, and he just got uh, a haircut.
Kramer steps from the stage onto a table. The table tips over and Kramer falls off.
ElaineOh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, uh, five bucks?
At Jerry's apartment.
JerryI don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or
somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking.
*knock, knock, knock*
JerryWho is it?
Enzo(yelling) Enzo Manginero.
"Barber of Seville" music playing.
JerryOh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second.
EnzoIt was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.
JerryNo I wasn't there.
EnzoDon't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up.
JerrySample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book.
GinoDon't Jerry.
EnzoSo, it's true.
GinoYes it's true.
EnzoI'm going to kill the both of you.
Enzo notices "Edward Scissorhands" playing on the TV and becomes calm.
George is at his desk sleeping with a newspaper draped over him. Tuttle walks in. He bangs on the door.
George wakes up.
GeorgeMr. Tuttle, you're back.
TuttleGeorge, I'm surprised to see you here.
GeorgeYou are?
TuttleI though you would have taken the large office.
GeorgeOh. Really.
TuttleI guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you. So where's that Pensky file? Let's see what
you've been up to all week. (pages through the file) What have you been doing all week?
GeorgeWell you missed a lovely little party that we had for Grace.
TuttleYou haven't done anything with this.
GeorgeWell bear in mind that I am in the smaller office.
TuttleI'm beginning to wonder if you understand anything.
GeorgeYou are aware that Pensky is interested in me.
Tuttle(scoffs) You're not Pensky material.
GeorgeWell, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta, Tut-tle.
At Jerry's apartment.
Gino and Enzo are watching "Edward Scissorhands" on TV. They are both sobbing.
"Barber of Seville" music is playing.
Jerry looks in the barber shop window and sees Newman giving a guy a haircut. He enters. Newman looks
at him scared. Jerry picks up an electric razor and walks toward Newman. Newman is very frightened.
(commercial)
PenskyGee George, I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression. What is was going to say was, now you
are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted, myself included, and we're prohibited from doing
business until the investigation is completed. So obviously, we would have no use for you.
GeorgeObviously.
*buzz*
PenskyYes.
Secretary(over the speaker) Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.
George waves his hand and the final note of "Barber of Seville" plays.
[END SHOW]