George converts to Latvian Orthodox Christianity to save his relationship — while Kramer discovers he has a power over women.
JerryYou know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But
it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma
right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t it? "I
really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check it out." I don’t
know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the
time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and I’ll
give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems
like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion,
pants always beats no-pants.
(Commercial)
GeorgeCan I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is
unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive.
George’s girlfriend (name?): Twenty five dollars.
GeorgeYes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price. You know
you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I
beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
George’s girlfriend: George, George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we
have a problem.
GeorgeWe do?
George’s girlfriend: We can’t keep seeing each other.
GeorgeWhy?
George’s girlfriend: (crying) Because it’s over. *sob, sob, sob* It’s my
parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me?
*sob*
WaiterUh, have you decided yet?
George’s girlfriend: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.
GeorgeUm, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster isn’t the way
to go.
The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.
JerryThen he asked you out?
ElaineWe started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his
hand on my heart.
JerryOn your heart?
ElaineJerry, the man is a doctor.
JerryDoctor? He’s a podiatrist.
ElaineIt’s the same thing.
JerryAnyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry
school.
ElaineReally?
Jerry’s girlfriend (name?): Hello.
JerryOh hi.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Are you going to be stopping by later?
JerryYes, I’ll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well we can’t all
be dating podiatrists.
They enter Jerry’s apartment.
GeorgeIt’s over.
ElaineWhat?
JerryHow did you get in?
GeorgeKramer.
ElaineWhat’s that?
GeorgeLobster.
JerryLooks like a swan.
GeorgeShe says we can’t go out anymore.
ElaineWhy?
GeorgeBecause I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t let her get
involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.
ElaineLatvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.
JerryShe’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
GeorgeI know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s not
entirely true.
ElaineMmm, delicious.
JerryMmm, succulent.
GeorgeShe knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at home. Didn’t seem
to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
ElaineWhy don’t you just ask her parents?
GeorgeI can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know, In the cab on the
way over here, I actually thought about converting.
JerryTo Latvian Orthodox?
GeorgeWhy not? What do I care?
JerryYou know it’s not like changing toothpaste.
ElaineI think it would be romantic.
GeorgeReally?
ElaineYeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne and marrying
Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
GeorgeKing Edward. King Edward, Jerry.
JerryYeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank and Estelle
Costanza.
GeorgeYou know what? I could probably do this. What’s the difference.
ElaineGeorge I was just kidding around.
GeorgeNo. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
ElaineGeorge I wasn’t serious.
GeorgeHow hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have a
ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to think about
this.
George leaves.
ElaineI guess this one is my fault.
JerryOh yeah.
At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry’s girlfriend: *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have you always
been such a good kisser?
JerryOh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I
was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room
practicing my kissing.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Well it was worth it. *kiss* I’ll be *kiss* right *kiss*
back *kiss*. Where are you going?
JerryTo wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Meet you back here?
JerryRight there.
Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.
He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.
Jerry(thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus?
At Monk’s.
JerryFungicide. I mean what could she have?
ElaineI don’t know.
KramerFungus.
ElaineSo what did you say?
JerryI said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go
home.
ElaineWhat were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?
JerryI didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
ElaineYou were snooping.
JerryI was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking
and entering. I wouldn’t do that.
KramerI would. I always open medicine cabinets.
ElaineWell I trust people not to do that.
KramerBig mistake.
JerryWhy don’t you ask that doctor what it is?
ElaineWhat? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
JerryBut that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They’re knee-
deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
ElaineI am not going to ask him about funguses.
KramerFungi.
JerryWhat?
KramerFungi.
In the priest’s office.
[boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode… ;) ]
Father-priest (name?): Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George*ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask
himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something
so um… (trying to think of a word)
Father-priest: Enigmatic?
GeorgeNo.
Father-priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")
GeorgeNo not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")
Father-priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
GeorgeYes.
Father-priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly
attractive?
George(he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious
look you want in a faith. Very pious.
Father-priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
GeorgeWell perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic
plot. Yeah.
Father-priest: Plot?
GeorgeYeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and the
commandments and all that.
Father-priest 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
GeorgeOh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft, am I in?
Father-priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these
texts (brings out a pile of books).
GeorgeAh hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious to become a
member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick
change?
Sister Roberta enters.
Sister RobertaOh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting in the chapel.
Father-priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza. He
is interested in joining the church.
Sister RobertaOh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck to you.
GeorgeNice nun.
Father-priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we call a
novice.
Father-priest 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until next Thursday.
In the chapel.
Sister RobertaMay I help you?
KramerOh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.
Sister RobertaWell he’s in with the Father.
KramerOh yeah.
Sister RobertaI’m Sister Roberta.
KramerOh. Kramer. Pleasure.
Sister RobertaMine. (she smiles at Kramer)
At Jerry’s apartment.
GeorgeI can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually Orthodox. All I have
to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m in the club.
JerryThat’s all there is to it.
GeorgeThat’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother
Costanza.
JerryAnd when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
GeorgeBrother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.
Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.
JerryOh a slinky. Where did you get it?
KramerSister Roberta gave it to me.
JerryWhy did she give you that?
KramerI think she liked me.
JerryWhat do you mean she liked you?
Kramer*Liked* me.
GeorgeKramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.
KramerNo. I think I picked up on a vibe.
JerryYou picked up on a vibe, from a nun.
KramerYeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control
over it.
Kramer leaves.
Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.
JerryOh hi.
Jerry’s girlfriend: I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.
Jerry(weakly) A little better. *fake cough*
Jerry’s girlfriend: If you need anything let me know.
JerryOkay. All right bye.
GeorgeStory.
JerryShe’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.
GeorgeShe likes you.
JerryYeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her
medicine cabinet.
GeorgeSo?
JerrySo I don’t know what she’s using it for.
GeorgeWell how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol.
Did you see a name on the tube?
JerryI didn’t even think to look.
GeorgeWell take a look. It might not even belong to her.
JerryYeah.
GeorgePeople always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
JerryYeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.
GeorgeI still have brill cream.
At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry knocks on the door
*knock, knock, knock*
Jerry’s girlfriend: Hi.
JerryHi. Can I use your bathroom?
ElaineYou sure you don’t mind?
Doctor (name?): No of course not. People ask me medical questions all the
time.
ElaineWell the question isn’t even for me it’s for a friend.
DoctorElaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.
ElaineWell… podiatrist.
DoctorHuh?
ElaineNo no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to medical school, you
went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in it’s own way.
DoctorI went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with
feet.
ElaineI like feet too. I’m just saying…
DoctorSaying what?
In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
She knocks on the bathroom door.
*knock, knock, knock*
Jerry’s girlfriend: How are you doing in there?
JerryFine all done, just looking for the soap.
Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.
Jerry’s girlfriend: No soap?
JerryNo I don’t see it.
Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s girlfriend
enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in
his pocket.
Jerry’s girlfriend: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.
At George’s parent’s house.
George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.
*knock, knock, knock*
EstelleGeorge what are you doing in there?
GeorgeWhat? Nothing.
FrankYou’ve been in there an hour.
EstelleYou don’t feel well?
GeorgeI’m fine.
EstelleI want to know what you’re doing in there.
GeorgeNothing.
FrankGeorge, open the door.
GeorgeNo.
EstelleGeorgie.
GeorgeNo!
At Kramer’s apartment.
Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.
*knock, knock, knock*
KramerHey.
Sister RobertaGood evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you, but I found
another toy I thought you might like.
(Commercial)
At Jerry’s Apartment.
JerryOkay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll need that in the
form of a question.
GeorgeI don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making me take this test.
Elaine enters.
JerryHey, did you talk to the doctor?
ElaineNo.
JerryAll right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the
bottle of fungicide.)
ElaineYou *took* her medicine.
JerryNot on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When
are you seeing him again?
ElaineI don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists
aren’t real doctors.
JerryHow could you say that?
ElaineIt’s you fault. You just got me thinking.
JerryI was merely speaking extemporaneously.
ElaineI’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.
JerryMe too.
ElaineDo you think I should call him and apologize?
JerryYes. He’s a doctor.
Elaine starts to leave.
JerryWait a second.
Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.
Jerry(to George) What are you doing?
GeorgeWhat does it look like I’m doing?
Jerry(Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what
you’re cheating on your conversion chest?
Kramer enters.
KramerI told you.
JerryWhat?
KramerI told you she liked me.
JerryWho?
KramerSister Roberta.
JerryHow do you know?
KramerShe told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up all of these
feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s thinking of
leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry, I’m very very
dangerous.
Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of
your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive
performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
GeorgeOh, I’m I’m full of it Father.
Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)… Kramer
…(mumble)…
Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something has come up.
GeorgeOh, I understand.
Kramer enters.
KramerUm, you wanted to see me Father?
Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me
yesterday.
KramerI know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything. I just
spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just that, that I have
this power.
Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.
[I wouldn’t mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]
KramerKavorka?
Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
KramerI don’t understand.
Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be
possessed by you.
KramerHelp me Father. Help me.
Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you
to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…
The hallway by Jerry’s apartment.
JerryWhat is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramer’s
door) Ah hah.
*knock, knock, knock*
Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his neck.
KramerHey.
JerryHey. What are you doing?
KramerI’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.
JerryThe Kavorka? What’s that?
KramerThe lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.
JerryWhat is this thing around your neck?
KramerThe priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.
JerryYou know you’re funcifying the whole building.
KramerKeep away Jerry. Keep away.
He closes his door.
JerryKramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.
+---------------------+
| CONVERSION CEREMONY |
| FOR |
| GEORGE COSTANZA |
| 3:P.M. |
| |
| |
| |
+---------------------+
The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.
A woman reads the sign.
WomanGeorge Costanza? Estelle’s son?
At George’s parent’s house.
EstelleLatvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
GeorgeFor a woman.
FrankA woman? What are you out of your mind?
EstelleWhy can’t you do anything like a normal person?
FrankWait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
GeorgeNo it’s a regular religion.
FrankI’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
GeorgeI don’t want to get out of it.
EstelleGeorge, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re under their
control.
FrankWhat, they brainwashed you?
GeorgeNo no.
FrankYou’re not performing any rituals in this house.
EstelleGo back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
FrankAnd stay away from those squirrels.
At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.
Jerry’s girlfriend: Oh how you doing Jerry?
JerryGood. What’s the matter?
Jerry’s girlfriend: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night with all this
scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.
JerryBonkers?
Jerry’s girlfriend: My cat. He’s got this weird sort of skin condition.
Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.
JerryOh it’s your cat!
Jerry’s girlfriend: What?
JerryOoh, nothing.
Father-priest: Are you ready my son?
GeorgeYes faddah.
Father-priest: What did you say?
GeorgeWhat?
Father-priest: I thought you said faddah.
GeorgeI said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.
Outside on a sidewalk.
A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.
KramerHow you doing?
WomanGet away from me you creep. (She walks away.)
KramerYes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got time to catch
her.
Church music plays.
George is dressed in a white church gown.
He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.
Father-priest says some Latvian words.
Kramer is running down the street going to the church.
The church music is still playing.
George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown. He makes a
hand motion on his gown.
Kramer is still running to the church.
The church music is still playing.
Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta
would you please offer the final benediction.
Sister Roberta(hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m sorry. It’s a
beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something else.
Kramer enters the church.
Sister RobertaHim.
CrowdKavorka, Kavorka.
At Elaine’s apartment.
Elaine*kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I’m a big fan of the foot.
DoctorWell it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.
ElaineAnd that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie toe.
DoctorIt’s my favorite toe.
ElaineLet’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going? You’re not
going to the ear guy.
DoctorNo you’re not.
*phone rings*
ElaineI’ll be right back.
DoctorOh uh, where’s the bathroom?
ElaineIt’s right down here to the left. I will meet you right back here.
JerryElaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube
back.
The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom.
He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.
Doctor(Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?
Sister RobertaSomething’s wrong. I don’t feel the same lure.
KramerYou don’t?
Sister RobertaWhat have I…? I must return to the church. By the way you
really need to take a bath. You stink.
KramerYeah yeah.
(Commercial)
At Monk’s
George’s girlfriend: For me?
GeorgeWell I didn’t do it for my mother.
George’s girlfriend: I’m really flattered. But I just don’t feel ready to
make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
GeorgeLatvia?
George’s girlfriend: Yes. I’m going to stay with some relatives there for a
year. Isn’t it great?
GeorgeEnjoy, enjoy.
George’s girlfriend: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t ever change.
GeorgeI’d like a doggie bag for this please.
[END SHOW]