The Stall

ELAINEwhat a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here

(from the stall on ELAINE:'s right)

are you talking to me?

ELAINEyeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some

JANEno I'm sorry

ELAINEwhat?

JANEno I'm sorry, I can't spare it

ELAINEyou can't spare it??

JANEno there's not enough to spare

ELAINEwell I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it

JANEI'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind

ELAINE3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??

JANEno I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

ELAINEoh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply

JANElook, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)

ELAINEno no, no no, don't don't, I beg you

(the movie theater)

(eating pop corn)

hmm I love this artificial flavoring

I like it better than butter

I think it's more consistent

JANEyou would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JERRYwhat?

(offering pop corn to JANE:)

(elsewhere in the same theater)

ELAINEhey

TONYhey hey? where is my popcorn babe?

ELAINEwhat?

TONYmy popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe?

ELAINEyou would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom

JANEI mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me

ELAINE3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!

JANEshe wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was *insane*

ELAINEI was begging her "please! please!" she was *insane*

JERRYwho do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out

JANEI don't know what she looks like

JERRYI wonder where ELAINE: is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony

ELAINEhmm where is JERRY: sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like

TONYhey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?

(JERRY's apt.)

(JERRY's at his computer)

(KRAMER: enters)

KRAMERhey

JERRYhey

KRAMERhey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?

JERRYwhat's the matter with yours?

KRAMERhuh.. my batteries are dead

JERRYhey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it?

KRAMERlook come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?

JERRYwhy do you do that?

KRAMERoh... (get in the bedroom)

(ELAINE: enters)

ELAINEI am never going back to the movies again

JERRYhey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you

ELAINEI looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side

JERRYoh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony

ELAINEyeah

JERRYhey hey (fooling around with his collar)

ELAINEyeah, all right ok

JERRYTony, hey hey (continues fooling)

ELAINEthat's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts

JERRYhuh huh

ELAINEI'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper JERRY: no what? ELAINE: toilet paper JERRY:oh.. whoa..

ELAINEso I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho

JERRYwell maybe she couldn't spare it

ELAINEa square?

JERRYwell, you know, sometimes a square is everything

ELAINEa ply?

JERRYELAINE:, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert

ELAINEyeah

JERRYit's battle conditions

ELAINEyeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is *tattooed* in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with JANE: last night?

JERRYoh.. JANE: she huh.. she huh..

ELAINEthe 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun

JERRYyeah that should be real fun

ELAINEyou know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?

JERRYyeah

(ELAINE: picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)

WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONEthen we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?

ELAINEAndre?

(JERRY: approaches and listens to the phone with ELAINE:)

KRAMER: (on the phone)

what about the driver? we could get an accident

WOMANso what?

KRAMERoh that wouldn't be very good

(on the phone)

hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!

ELAINEwhat is going on? what.. who is Andre?

JERRYKRAMER:'s Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (KRAMER: walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone

KRAMERJERRY:, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..

JERRYhey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me

KRAMERhey, you're hungry? Monk's?

JERRYno I gotta go downtown

ELAINEoh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?

JERRYyeah

ELAINEso listen, what happened last night with JANE:?

JERRYnothing, she just.. choked on a jujube

(JERRY:'s car)

ELAINEyou know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer

JERRYI know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)

(ELAINE: looks at her watch)

oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting

ELAINEhey you got a problem with Tony?

JERRYhunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)

ELAINEok JERRY:, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like

JERRYof course you would

ELAINEoh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk

ELAINEwhat?

JERRYit's different for a man

ELAINEhuh?

JERRYwe're expected to be superficial

ELAINEI'm not being superficial

JERRYELAINE:, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo

ELAINEhe's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face

JERRYand that's why you're going out with him

ELAINEno it is not

JERRYyou know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him

ELAINEI think he does too

JERRYI mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him

(Monk's)

TONYso I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"

(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)

GEORGE"step off"?

TONYyeah

GEORGEyou said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?

TONYno

GEORGEbowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time

TONYbowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling

GEORGErush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions

TONYno no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing

GEORGEall right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?

TONYwhat.. whatever

GEORGEalright alright, I gotta buy some bread

TONYyeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing

GEORGEme too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down

TONYcool, so what do you say we climb a rock manyana (tomorrow in spanish)?

GEORGEhuh.. maana? huh maana might.. huh maana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced maana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one maana's notice (KRAMER: enters)

TONYhey KRAMER:

KRAMERhey

TONYhey, hey KRAMER: my man, what are you doing maana?

KRAMERmaana I'm doing nada

TONYwhat do you say you scale some rock with me and George?

GEORGEhuh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches

TONYc'mon KRAMER: what do you say?

GEORGEhuh KRAMER: it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there

KRAMERI am down

TONYyes.. alright buddy, take it easy KRAMER: you down to it George? what's wrong?

GEORGEI am down!

(JERRY:'s)

ELAINErock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (ELAINE: and JERRY: laughs)

GEORGEalright alright

JERRYyeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?

GEORGEyeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy

JERRYcool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?

GEORGEhe's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!

(KRAMER: enters)

KRAMERhey

EVERYBODYhey

GEORGEhey nice move today

KRAMERwhat?

GEORGEhorning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony KRAMER:: he asked me

GEORGEyou put him on the spot

KRAMERyou know I think you're in love with him

GEORGEwhat?.. that's ridiculous!

KRAMERno no no, I don't think so. You love him

GEORGEyou better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either

(phone rings, KRAMER: answers)

JERRYyou're making sandwiches?

KRAMERhello

GEORGEwell I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there

KRAMERwho?

GEORGEHey ELAINE:, does Tony like peanut butter?

ELAINEhates it

GEORGEgood thing I asked JERRY: (to KRAMER:): who is it?

KRAMERwell she says JANE:

JERRYyeah, so?

KRAMERwell that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty

JERRYdid you say flinty?

KRAMERyeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty

(on the rocks)

(KRAMER: and George are hanging on a rock)

(singing)

yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!

hello! (KRAMER: jumps around George from one side to an other)

ECHOhello

KRAMERhey George, hear that?

(George is terrified)

GEORGEplease please please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. KRAMER:!!

(George grabs KRAMER:'s leg)

KRAMERlet go, hey grab the rock

GEORGEwhat rock?

KRAMERthe rock

GEORGEuh oh..

KRAMERyou gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo

(sobbing)

yodel lay hee hoo..

(chanting)

yodel lay hee hoo

(sobbing)

yodel lay hee hoo..

(voice from below)

George! KRAMER:!

KRAMERyeah!

TONYtake the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are

KRAMERalright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)

GEORGEyeah

TONYhey George, you got anything to eat dude?

(taking it out of his jacket pocket)

yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know

you don't like peanut butter

(the ropes slides down)

KRAMERwhat?

TONYdude aah.......

(George and KRAMER: look at each other)

GEORGE AND KRAMERahh.....!!

(JERRY:'s)

(JERRY: and JANE: are eating)

JERRY..can I have your napkin?

JANEwhat?

JERRYyou napkin I'm dripping

JANEwell where is your napkin?

JERRYI used it up

JANEwell I need mine

(looks at her watch)

oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work

JERRYyou know I'd like to hear about this job of yours

JANEI told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum

JERRYyou're fine (goes to the bathroom)

(buzzer rings)

JANEoh how does this thing work?

JERRYjust press it

ELAINEit's ELAINE:

JANEoh come on up

(coming out from the bathroom)

who was it?

JANEit's ELAINE:

JERRYoh..huh.. is she coming up?

JANEyeah

JERRYhuh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.

JANEok

JERRYYeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah

(JANE: has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)

JANEhmm

JERRYhave some more, take a load

JANEisn't it too much?

JERRYtrust me.. nah it's good

JANEsmell?

JERRYyeah stinks, terrible

(ELAINE: enters)

JERRYhi ELAINE:

ELAINEhi

JERRYthis is JANE: ELAINE:

ELAINEhi, nice to meet you finally

JANEit's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night

ELAINEyeah me too

JANEok so I'll see you Saturday night

JERRYSaturday night (she leaves)

(JERRY: shuts the door)

ELAINEwhat is with the gum?

JERRYI know it's a big problem.. she puts like 4 pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

ELAINEbecause of the gum

JERRYwell it's too much, it's embarrassing

ELAINEwhy does she have to chew so many?

JERRYshe's one of those person, always have to be different

(on the other side of the door)

(whispering)

GEORGEshe's there, I can hear her

KRAMERalright, who's gonna tell her

GEORGEhuh you tell her

KRAMERit was your fault

GEORGEif you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on JERRY: and ELAINE:'s side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", JERRY: opens the door)

JERRYwell

ELAINEhey

GEORGE AND KRAMERhey

GEORGEwhat are you doing here?

ELAINEdid you have fun

GEORGE AND KRAMERyeah

KRAMERfor a little while

ELAINEwhere's Tony?

GEORGEoh..

KRAMERhuh..

GEORGEKRAMER: was supposed to tie a knot

KRAMERwhoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot

ELAINEdid something happened?

GEORGETony.. took a bit of a tumble

ELAINEhis face, did something happen to his face?

KRAMERwell it all depends on what you mean by.. happen

GEORGEhe..he's alive

KRAMERyeah

ELAINEwhat happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face

GEORGEyou see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..

KRAMERrock

GEORGEyeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly

KRAMERsome big rock

GEORGEwe rode along all the way to the hospital

KRAMERyeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall

(ELAINE: rushes out)

JERRYwell aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?

(Tony's)

ELAINEso huh, what did the doctors say?

TONYthe said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)

ELAINEbut what else did they say

TONYwell, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean

ELAINEyeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that

TONYI really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medications, it was kinda like haze, it's pretty cool

ELAINEhuh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do u recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?

TONYI don't know, I don't know

ELAINEthink Tony, think

TONYI'm drawing a blank, babe

(knock on door)

(ELAINE: gets it, it's George)

ELAINEthis isn't a very good time George

GEORGEI just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands ELAINE: some stuff)

TONYstep off George, I don't wanna see you

GEORGEme? "step off"

ELAINEyeah, Tony says you better step off George

GEORGEbut..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches ELAINE:

TONYjust beat it dude!

GEORGEhere here, Superman (hands a comic book to ELAINE:, who passes it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the 2 of us

TONYthere won't be any next time George

GEORGEoh Tony don't

ELAINEok step off George, can u just step off?

GEORGEI I just.. but..

ELAINEBye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait

GEORGEyes?

ELAINEcan you throw this trash out (closes the door)

(JERRY:'s)

(JANE: is giving JERRY: a massage)

JERRYI've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night

JANEthat is too bad, what a shame

JERRYyeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!

JANEwell maybe he's feeling better

JERRYyeah without a doubt, I'm down

(KRAMER: enters)

JERRYoh hey how're you doing? JANE: this is my neighbor KRAMER:

KRAMERhey

JANEhello KRAMER: (he acts all weird, a la KRAMER:)

KRAMERwell hello JANE:

JANEJERRY: told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately

(very quickly)

oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the

phone, alright I'll see you later buddy

JERRYwait, where are you going? where are you going?

KRAMERuptown, to the ?

JANEoh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?

KRAMERwhat about the driver?

JANEwhat are you talking about?

JERRYalright I changed my mind, yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now

JANEwell ok I'll see you later, nice meeting you

JERRYwhat's with you?

KRAMERthat's her

JERRYwho?

KRAMERErika, she's Erika

JERRYoh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman

KRAMERJERRY:, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her

JERRYoh you're crazy

KRAMERam I? or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

JERRYit's impossible

KRAMERis it? or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?

JERRYit can't be

KRAMERcan't it? or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

JERRYalright that's enough

KRAMERyeaaaaah!

(Monk's)

ELAINEhe's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?

JERRYwhat?

ELAINEyou know (acts like a monster)

JERRYoh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead

ELAINEyeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway

JERRYoh I though you didn't care about his looks

ELAINEI lied

JERRYaha

ELAINEare you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (JERRY: is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know JERRY:

JERRYoh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that KRAMER: over there?

ELAINEyeah, yeah

JERRYhey KRAMER:

KRAMERwhat? hey (walks by JERRY: and ELAINE:'s table) it's all set

JERRYwhat's all set?

KRAMERErika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth

JERRYhow's you get her to meet here?

KRAMERI don't know, we have a certain chemistry

(JANE: shows up and when she sees JERRY:, she walks by their table, smiling)

JERRYoh my god

JANEhi I thought I'd find you here

JERRYhello.. Erika

JANEErika? what are you talking about?

JERRYhow can u say things like that over the phone?

JANEwhat are you talking about?

JERRYselling sexual pleasure over the phone?

JANEI sell paper goods you jerk

JERRYpaper goods?

ELAINEexcuse me, do you have a tissue?

JANEI'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare

(ELAINE: realizes)

JANEwhere's the ladies' room (KRAMER: points her)

ELAINEI have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of JANE:)

(the bathroom)

JANEoh damn

ELAINEsomething.. wrong?

JANEyeah there's no toilet paper out here, I usually check but would you mind?

ELAINEI can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

JANEwait a minute, I know you

ELAINEthat's right honey, and I know you!

(ELAINE: gets out and she has 2 rolls of toilet paper)

JANEno, no, no!!! (she's out of the bathroom now, very satisfied, and walks towards JERRY: and gives him the rolls) ELAINE:: here, take it

(walks out of the bathroom, very furious) (to JERRY:)

don't call me anymore

(JERRY: doesn't say anything and waves his hands)

(JANE: walks by KRAMER: and turns back)

(to KRAMER:, in a very sensual voice)

you either

(sticks her tongue out :9)

(KRAMER: and JERRY: look at each other, with their mouth open)

[END SHOW]