George realises every instinct he’s ever had has been wrong and decides to do the exact opposite of everything — landing a job with the Yankees. Meanwhile Elaine’s luck runs out and Jerry perpetually breaks even.
Opening monologue
JerryIt is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything
that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
* We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne.
Mr. LippmanTo your promotion.
ElaineOh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Mr LippmanWell, you're really on your way now.
* Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.
ElaineYou really oughtta do something about that cold.
* Cut to Monk's
JerryYou got a raise?
ElaineI don't fool around, baby!
JerryI thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
ElaineThey were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.
JerryOh, when did that happen?
ElaineThey're signing the papers next week.
JerryDoes this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
ElaineYeah, they'll definitely do it now.
JerryBoy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal.
ElaineYeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
JerryBoy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very proud of you.
* Enter George
JerrySpeaking of having it all ... Where were you?
GeorgeI went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks )
JerryOh, the beach.
GeorgeIt's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
JerryWhat is it that isn't working?
GeorgeWhy did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A waitress comes up to G )
WaitressTuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
GeorgeYeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.
ElaineWell, there's no telling what can happen from this.
JerryYou know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
GeorgeGood for the tuna.
( A blonde looks at George )
ElaineAh, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
GeorgeSo what? What am I supposed to do?
ElaineGo talk to her.
GeorgeElaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
JerryWell here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
GeorgeYeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
JerryIf every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
GeorgeYes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do
something!
( He goes over to the woman )
GeorgeExcuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
VictoriaOh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
GeorgeMy name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
VictoriaI'm Victoria. Hi.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
JerryAre you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
( Enter Kramer )
KramerHey. Buddy, it's all happening!
JerryWhat's happening?
KramerThe coffee table book. It's a go!
JerryOh yeah, I heard all about it.
KramerYou know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee.
JerryYou're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
KramerOh, you better believe it!
JerryI'll loan you my puffy shirt.
KramerNo,no,no.
JerryWhat're you gonna talk about?
KramerWell, coffee tables.
( The phone rings )
JerryHello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
( Turns to K )
JerryYou know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money.
KramerYou know who you are? Even Steven
*Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving
VictoriaAre you growing a beard?
GeorgeWhy shave every day? It just grows right back.
VictoriaI guess ...
GeorgeI'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden maneuver )
VictoriaHey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
GeorgeTake it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
* Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria
Man no.1Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man no.2Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
( They kick G and Victoria's seats )
VictoriaWhat are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
GeorgeThat won't be necessary.
( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
GeorgeShut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie! And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I would love it!
( People applaud as G sits down again )
* Cut to G's car
VictoriaAre you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
GeorgeI don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
VictoriaWho are you, George Costanza?
GeorgeI'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
* Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
Theater ManagerExcuse me, is your name Elaine?
ElaineYes.
Theater ManagerWere you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
ElaineYeah.
Theater ManagerWell, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
ElaineAn accident? What happened?
Theater ManagerHe got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent
Hospital, room 907.
ElaineOh. Ok. Thank you.
( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter )
ElaineCould I have a box of Jujyfruit?
* Cut to hospital
JakeSo, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
( Jake looks at E eating )
ElaineYou want one?
JakeNo thanks.
ElaineSo when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
JakeWhere did you get those?
ElaineAt the movies.
JakeDidn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
ElaineYeah, he did.
JakeThen when did you get those?
ElaineRight after ... that ...
JakeSo you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?
ElaineWell... the counter...was right there, and...
JakeI would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
ElaineNo, no, it does!
JakeIf you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruit!
ElaineBut...Jake...
JakeI would like to be alone now, please.
ElaineBut, Jake, I didn't...
JakeGoodnight!
* Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night.
Man no.1Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
Man no.2Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
Man no.3How'd you do?
Man no.4Won 50.
Man no.2Lost 72.
Man no.1Won 37.
Man no.3Lost 15.
JerryBroke even.
* Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
RegisCan I bring out our next guest now?
Kathy LeePlease, please.
RegisYoung guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the best part -
Kathy LeeI love this.
RegisIt's a coffee table book about coffee tables!
Kathy LeeYeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
RegisI think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Kathy LeeI did.
RegisI mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathy LeeI love his hair.
RegisYeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer!
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
Kathy LeeI don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
RegisKramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come up with this idea?
KramerYeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was skiing at the time.
RegisYou know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and you're writing books!
KramerYeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathy LeeHave you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
KramerYou see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table.
( Demonstrates with his book )
Kathy LeeIs that fabulous?
RegisLook at this!
Kathy LeeIs that fabulous?
RegisFabulous!
Kathy LeeI want one of these.
RegisDid I tell you this guy was bonkos?
Kathy LeeThis coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
KramerThat's true. That's right.
RegisYeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
KramerOh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head )
RegisI'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathy LeeBut he's adorable.
( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress )
RegisWe'll be right back.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment
JerrySo it's all over?
ElaineYeah, it got pretty nasty.
JerryAnd what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
ElaineIt's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
JerryWhy didn't you eat it in the cab?
ElaineBecause I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
( E points to the table )
ElaineWhat's all this?
JerryPlayed cards last night.
ElaineOh yeah? How'd you do?
JerryBroke even.
ElaineYou always break even.
JerryYeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!
ElaineDo you have twenty bucks?
JerryWhat for?
ElaineJust gimme twenty bucks.
( E takes the money and throws it out the window )
JerryWhat the hell was that?
ElaineLet's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
JerryYou know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
ElaineYou know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job
promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
JerryWell, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first.
( George comes in )
GeorgeHey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -
Jerry: Bad.
GeorgeDay was -
ElaineNight.
GeorgeYes!
JerrySo you just did the opposite of everything?
GeorgeYes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.
JerrySo I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket )
JerryElaine ... look! A twenty!
ElaineOh my God.
* Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
KramerHey boss.
Mr. LippmanKramer. Come in.
KramerHow're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store Indian )
Mr. LippmanHave a seat.
KramerWhat, have you got yourself a cold?
( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )
KramerWow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
Mr. LippmanThe reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and -
KramerIt was pretty good, huh?
( New sneeze, K jumps again )
Mr. LippmanAnyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more of these shows.
KramerBecause of the coffee thing?
Mr.LippmanKramer, I'm sorry.
KramerWhat about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
Mr. LippmanIt's out -
KramerShe's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Mr. LippmanKramer, I -
( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )
* Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview
Mr. CushmanWhy don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences?
GeorgeAlrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. CushmanGo on.
GeorgeAlright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Mr. CushmanDo you talk to everybody like this?
GeorgeOf course.
Mr. CushmanMy niece told me you were different.
GeorgeI am different, yeah.
Mr. CushmanI gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen.
( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )
Mr. CushmanAh, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. SteinbrennerNice to meet you.
GeorgeWell, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego!
Mr. SteinbrennerHire this man!
* Cut to Pendant Publishing
SecretaryTina Robbins is here to see you.
ManWho's that?
ElaineAh, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub-
letting my apartment from her.
ManAlright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey.
TinaPlease.
ElaineHi Tina.
Tina: Hi Elaine.
ElaineSo, I haven't seen you in a while.
TinaElaine, we have a problem.
ElaineWell, what is it?
TinaYou're getting kicked out.
ElaineKicked out?! Why?!
TinaWell, there's been a number of complaints.
ElaineYeah? Like what?
TinaWell, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
ElaineI didn't know who he was!
TinaThat's why there's a buzzer.
ElaineWhat else?
TinaWell, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.
ElaineWhat else have you got?
TinaWell, let's see. ( Takes out a list from her bag )
* Cut to Monk's
JerryI'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
RachelI suppose...
JerryOh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points.
RachelJerry ...
JerryYes?
RachelI've been doing a lot of thinking.
JerryAha?
RachelWell, I don't think we should see each other any more.
JerryOh, that's okay.
RachelWhat?
JerryNah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else.
RachelYou will?
JerrySure. See, things always even out for me.
RachelHuh?
JerryIt's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And ... good luck!
RachelYeah, you too.
* Jerry leaves. Cut to Jerry's apartment
JerryThe New York Yankees?!
GeorgeThe New York Yankees!
JerryRuth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?
GeorgeI'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with them! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!
JerryI can't believe it.
( The door buzzes, J lets E up )
GeorgeAnd I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?
JerryThat's a great place!
GeorgeI'm back in business, baby!
JerryGeorge, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out.
GeorgeHey! ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful )
JerryHi Elaine.
ElaineHi.
JerryHow're things going?
ElaineHow're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!
JerryWhy? Why are they doing that?
ElaineI don't know! They have a list of grievances.
JerryThe jewel thief?
ElaineYeah, the jewel thief.
JerryWhat else?
ElaineI put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. I gotta be out by the end of the month.
GeorgeWell, you could move in with my parents.
ElaineWas that the ... opposite ... of what you were going to say, or was that just instinct? ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers )
GeorgeInstinct.
ElaineStick ... with the opposite. ( Slaps G on the forehead )
JerryElaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, he was down. Now he's up, you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?
* Cut to Pendant Publishing
SecretaryMr. Lippman, the people from Matsushimi are here.
Mr. LippmanAlright... tell them I'll be right there. Well, this is it, Elaine. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the street. Boy, they sure saved us.
( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which he probably needs because of his cold, and Elaine can't tell him, 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...)
( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started talking to him )
InterpreterMr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake this partnership with your company.
( The Japansese "boss" reaches out his hand to shake Mr L's )
Mr LippmanI ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.
( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostile atmosphere )
* Cut to George's parents' house
JerryIs that the end of it?
GeorgeYeah, it's the last one.
EstelleI can't believe you're moving out. ( Grabs Kramer ) Kramer, is this true? Is it really happening? It's ... it's like a dream.
KramerOh, it's true.
GeorgeAlright, let's go.
FrankDon't get in trouble with the Yankees. You be nice. ( Slaps G's forehead )
GeorgeI'm not gonna be nice. That's how I got the job.
EstelleJerry, did you hear this?
JerryHe knows what he's doing.
( G pulls both his parents to him )
GeorgeI just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.
( K and J look at each other )
JerryOpposite.
* Cut to Monk's
ElaineI must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!
JerryWhy'd you have to eat so many?
ElaineBecause they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.
JerryNot to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
KramerYeah, you knew he had a cold. How'd you expect him to blow his nose?
ElaineDo you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.
JerryDon't say that.
ElaineIt's true. I'm George! I'm George!
( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )
GeorgeGreetings, people. Greetings. Greetings and salutations. What a beautiful day for a ball game. Let's play two! ( Sits down, says to waitress :)
Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what I get, darlin'. ( Turns to the Gang ) So, let's see, I had a little conversation today with Mr Don Mattingly - he's the first base man. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, go with it 'till it stops workin'." Donny baseball. He's a helluva guy.
( J and K pay the check )
KramerWait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.
JerryAh ... let's call it even.
* Closing monologue
JerryCoffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee.
[END SHOW]