The Chinese Woman

[Opening Monologue]

I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in

there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, you know, they've seen

the fork by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon. They're going, "Yeah, they're

okay. We're gonna stay with the sticks.". I mean, I don't know how they missed

it. Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up has his breakfast with the

chopsticks goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel?

Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.

[JERRY and ELAINE walking down the street. ELAINE is carrying two

plastic grocery bags and one big paper grocery bag. JERRY is carrying

none and is pretending to not notice the discrepancy.]

Good shave today..

ELAINE[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine.

JERRYI'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little..

Can we rest here a second.

JERRY[pause] Yeah, I guess.

[She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.]

JERRY.. So how's Noreen?

ELAINEMm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.

JERRYAlready? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker..

ELAINENo, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat.

A Long Talker.

ELAINEYeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone: I just hang up.

JERRY[pause] All right; let's move it out.

[ELAINE gets her bags.]

JERRYHey, isn't that George's father?

ELAINEOh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello?

JERRYI've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.

ELAINEThat man he's with: is he wearing a cape?

I believe he is wearing a cape.

ELAINEWhy is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?

JERRYWell, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.

ELAINEYeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?

JERRYYou're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me. [ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY walks by her so he's out of view, too.]

[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]

[Commercial Break]

[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."]

JERRYJust, ah, plop it on the counter there. [ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the counter. He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during the following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags and puts some in one bag--presumably hers.]

JERRYOh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine]

[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep]

That sounds Urgent..

Let me call him back..

Hello?? Who is this?

Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.

ELAINEDonna Chang?

JERRY[is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.

ELAINEIsn't that a little racist?

JERRYIf I like their race, how can that be racist?.. Hellooo??.. Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!.. Yyy-yes, I am calling George.. Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?! [KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the line to chat with Donna.]

So listen..

KRAMERI'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin' to?

He's on with a Chinese woman.

KRAMEROooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted, pulling down his underwear in back, through his pants]

ELAINEYou got a.. comfort problem there?

KRAMERYeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

I thought you wore silk underwear.

KRAMERNo. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't stay with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious. Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house.

ELAINE[not charmed..] That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.

KRAMERSperm count? Well how many ssssperm should I have?

A lot.

[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off the

phone.]

JERRYI got a date!

ELAINEWith the Chinese woman?!

JERRYShe knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.

KRAMERJerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?

JERRYNo, why should I? I wear boxers.

KRAMERYou ever get a woman pregnant?

JERRYI'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..

KRAMERWhat would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"?

JERRYReally? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??.. Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I--

KRAMERA lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out] Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!

JERRYWell, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted.

KRAMERWell, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing extinction!

JERRYWell, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.

KRAMERYeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the middle of the day??

ELAINEDoes that conflict with your regular schedule?

[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]

[going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package of them]

All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.

JERRYI am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!

ELAINEShe's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?

JERRYShe suggested it!

I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..

She's very assimilated.

[Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the other end.

ELAINE quickly hangs up.]

JERRYPaul again?

ELAINE[matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him.

[GEORGE comes in.]

GEORGEHey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!

JERRYI tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!

GEORGEUh?

ELAINE[coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of the couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on the street before.

GEORGEWhat's he doin' in the city today?

[They both shrug.]

GEORGEYou didn't ask him?

[They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.]

GEORGEYou didn't say hello?

ELAINEWell, he was with someone.

A man.. In a cape.

GEORGEWhy was he wearing a cape?..

[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]

GEORGEWas my father wearing a cape?

JERRYNo. Jacket and tie: no cape.

GEORGEHuh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape doin' with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape? ..

[opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone]

[Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The DOCTOR

comes in.]

The results of your sperm test are in.

Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family?

KRAMERYes! I would like to! Very much!.. Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...

DOCTORYes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

KRAMEROhhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin' to procreate! I--

DOCTORHey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take to improve your fertility.

KRAMERAll right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything. Come on, Doc, tell me.

DOCTORFirst thing: you should wear boxer shorts.

KRAMERAll the time?

DOCTORAll the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.

KRAMERYeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.

[At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing a hair

dryer onto the phone.]

ELAINEHi Paul! It's Elaine calling! Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time to talk. Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well you can just tell her I called, then, an'-- Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately.. Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna.. [a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too.. Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The.. car.. seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off the phone. [hangs up]

[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good mood,

sitting next to a GUY.]

HOSTESSJust let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.

JERRYYes, I will.

GUY[indicating a cigarette] Mind?

JERRY[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day.

[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.]

Jerry.

JERRY[pause] 'scuse me?

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

JERRYWho're you?

I'm Donna Chang..

JERRY[stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean?

DONNAI mean: I'm Donna Chang.

JERRY[pause] You're Donna Chang?

DONNADid you think I was Chinese?..

JERRYOh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"?

DONNAActually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.

I didn't think so.

DONNAIt used to be "Changstein."

[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl of

Raisin Bran.]

ELAINEShe's not Chinese?

No. Not Chinese.

Not even Asian.

ELAINESo. What is she?

JERRYWell, she's.. like you.

ELAINE[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch, with her cereal]

JERRYWell, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..

So why're you seeing her again..

JERRYWell, she is a woman.

ELAINEI spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.

JERRYReally?

ELAINEWell, maybe.

JERRY[sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?

ELAINE[pause] What do you mean?

JERRYWell, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen? [As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got a pile of underwear in his hands.]

Here. Take my Jockey shorts.

[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward

around the apartment during the following.]

ELAINEWhoa! Whoa!

JERRYWhat is that?!!

KRAMERLook, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.

JERRYWha--you have a low sperm count?

KRAMERVery low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.

Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.

KRAMERJerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!

JERRYLook! I don't want 'em!

KRAMERAll it takes is one pair! Now, come on!

JERRYI'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house! [KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his own pants.]

KRAMERBoxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin' up, they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flip pin'! I'm floppin'!

[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]

KRAMERWhat am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]

JERRY[calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have to move now.

[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.]

FRANKYa know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.

Plenty of mosquitoes.

Queens is full of mosquitoes.

GEORGESo, Dad..

FRANKGnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.

GEORGEDad! I heard you were in the city the other day!

FRANKYour mother has to tell you every move I make!?

No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.

FRANKThey didn't say hello?

GEORGEWell, they were in a rush.

FRANKThey couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them.

GEORGEThey, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape, ha ha.

FRANKElaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the word--supercilious.

So Dad.

FRANKHow could Jerry not say Hello?!!

[Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch and he's

drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.]

JERRYSo did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet?

DONNANo. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic).

JERRY[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he say something--can't decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?

Ridiculous.

JERRY[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and she look at each other, puzzled.]

[GEORGE comes in.]

JERRYOh, what are you doing here?

GEORGEOh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't know you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George.

DONNAOh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself registers that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.]

I just spoke to your mother before.

GEORGE[pause] You spoke to my mother?

DONNAShe was trying to call you, but--

JERRYThe rines(sic) were crossed?

[They both look at him weird.]

GEORGEDid you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?"

JERRYDid I?

DONNA[pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour! Anyway, I'm really sorry.

GEORGESorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?

DONNAWell, she told me she and your father are getting divorced. [JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes to the oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.]

[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]

[Commercial Break]

[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.]

Divorced. That's really too bad..

JERRYYeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal.

GEORGE[coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits!

I never thought of that.

GEORGEImagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless] Haha! It's like runnin' the double marathon!

ELAINEHey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?

JERRYHave you ever spent any time with these people..?

GEORGEYou know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you he is mixed up in this!

I don't trust men in capes.

JERRYYou can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.

All right Superman's the exception.

[has been watching that with amazed disbelief]

[KRAMER enters.]

KRAMEROh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking up. I want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had a thing for Noreen.

ELAINEOh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.

KRAMERWell, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy moves]

JERRYWell it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers..

KRAMERWellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.

JERRYYou went back to the Jockeys?

Wrong again.

JERRY[pause] Oh, no.

ELAINEWhat? What?..

JERRYDon't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..

Eeaawww...

JERRYThe only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine..

JERRYKramer, say it isn't so.

KRAMEROh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!

JERRYDon't you need a little.. help?

KRAMERSurprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave, still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin' the countryside!!

[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter. We're

looking straight at them.]

ELAINEWell, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!..

NOREENYeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while..

ELAINEOh, he went insane?..

NOREENBelieve it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What kind of a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over?

ELAINE[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well. Uh. I don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't wanna, talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was always making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact that the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!

NOREEN[has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't believe that was you..

ELAINE[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen..

NOREEN[pause] So you thought he was boring?

ELAINEHey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha.

[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.]

JERRYWhat are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!

I know--

JERRYFirst you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.

ELAINEWell, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same.

JERRYSo she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.

ELAINE[apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.

JERRYWell, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman! Anything you say she does!

[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.]

Yeah.

It's Donna Chang.

JERRY[hits button] Come on up.

ELAINEWell, I guess I just didn't realize it..

JERRYWell, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay?

Okay..

JERRYFirst, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did.

She was lost..

JERRYThen: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did!

ELAINEWell, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun..

JERRYYou know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge..

ELAINEIf I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her an' tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!

[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.]

Hi.

JERRYOh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..

[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.]

DONNA[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting divorced.

JERRYWhy? What happened?

DONNAWell, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour, she changed her mind!!!

JERRYWow! That's amazing!

DONNAAnyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She said you should come too.

JERRYTonight?

DONNAYeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture class.

[goes to phone]

[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.]

[Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE

just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.]

GEORGEAll right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this is goin' to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, you're out of your minds!!!

ESTELLE[calmly] We're not getting divorced.

FRANKYou mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand]

GEORGE[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to hear that.

Yeah. We worked it out.

GEORGEAll right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the cape?

He was my lawyer.

GEORGEYou lawyer wears a cape..?

FRANKYeah. So what?

GEORGEWho wears a cape?

FRANKHe's very independent; doesn't follow the trends.

He looks ridiculous in that thing..

FRANKYou have no eye for fashion!!!

ESTELLEI have no eye for fashion?!?!?!

GEORGEAll right! Come on!

Let's not fight.

FRANK and ESTELLE

All right! All right!

Georgie's right.

GEORGESo what made you change your mind?

It was that Chinese woman.

[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.]

JERRYSo I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?

DONNAI mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.

JERRY[pause] Confucius, huh?

Yeah.

JERRY[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...

[The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.]

JERRYHey! I heard the good news!

FRANKJerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!

Elaine was.. in a rush.

FRANKI knew it was Elaine!!

You must be Estelle.

ESTELLEYes. Who are you..?

DONNAI'm Donna Chang!

ESTELLEYou're not Chinese!

[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting on the

couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back and

forth between ELAINE and them.]

KRAMERHello?

ELAINEPaul?

KRAMERElaine!

ELAINEKramer?

KRAMER[pause] Yeahh!

ELAINEWhat're you doin' there?

KRAMERWellll, isn't it obvious?

ELAINEUh! Ah, is Noreen there?

KRAMERYes, she is..

ELAINEWell? Can I talk to her?

KRAMERWhat? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?

ELAINE[tired] Fine--would you just put her on?

KRAMERWell, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a while..

ELAINEYou feel?

KRAMERThat's right! She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn of the destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years..

ELAINEWhat are you insane?!

KRAMERFrom now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here..

ELAINEOh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her?

KRAMERWell. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army.. There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right now.. And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do..

ELAINEUh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her!

KRAMERCan't help ya, kid.

[Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.]

ESTELLEYou're not Chinese!?!?

DONNA[pause] No.

ESTELLEI thought you were Chinese!!

I'm from Long Island.

ESTELLELong Island?!?! I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!

DONNAI'm sorry..?

ESTELLEWell! Then, that changes everything!

GEORGEWhat?!

ESTELLEShe's not Chinese; I was duped!!

GEORGESo what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not Chi nese?!?!

ESTELLEI'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into kitchen]

GEORGE[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce because she's from Long Island?!?!

FRANK[from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a divorce?!!? You got one!!!

JERRY[pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name..

[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.]

ELAINESo, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!

JERRYWell--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the

Chinese.

ELAINE[pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.

JERRY[has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish..

[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.]

GEORGEOh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!

Hey.

GEORGEI predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off] Saw both of them today! What a disaster! I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a date! Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father. We played "Clue"! All day with this! [KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window, shouts down to them.]

KRAMERHey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's late! She's laaate!!

[End of Act II time: 9:18]

[Commercial Break]

[During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers over the

edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape edges

over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.]

NOREENWho are you?!

MAN[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her get back off (and out of view of the camera).]

[END SHOW]