The Switch

[Opening Monologue]

Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you'd wear under your

clothes in any other sport. You're actually out there in your underwear. Unless

in the old days, you know, they would wear those long pants and the big heavy

sweaters. How long did it take them to get over that? We're out here in the hot

sun, running around after a ball. What exactly are we all dressed up for? Maybe

that's why they started keeping score like that. "Point? You know what? Make it

15. I'm dying in this sweater here!". "Oh, another one got by me? Take another 10

points. Let's just get this over with!".

Pro shop at Manhattan Plaza Racquet Club

JERRYCome on. Lets go

ELAINENo wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.

JERRYWhat's it doin here?

ELAINEHe wanted to have it restrung. (to clerk) Here I need to pick that up

LANDISHello

ELAINEOh, Hi.

LANDISJocylin Landis from Doubleday. I interviewed you for a position a couple of months ago.

ELAINEYes, yes, the one I didn't get. (they giggle)

LANDISI was watching you play

ELAINEOh, I'm not very good.

LANDISNo. You exhibited a lot of grace out there.

ELAINEReally? Grace?

LANDISYes. So have you found anything yet?

ELAINEUh, no. Not really.

LANDISYou know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?

JERRYOh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one.

ELAINENewman plays tennis?

JERRYHe's fantastic.

LANDISWould you mind if I tried this out?

ELAINEUh, no ... take it.

LANDISHow will you get it back?

ELAINEUm, I could come by your office and pick it up tomorrow.

LANDISThat's so generous of you.

ELAINEThanks

JERRYYou loaned her Pitt's racquet? E What could I do? She said there might be something for me at Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be great I wouldn't have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.

SANDYI gotta get going.

JERRYOh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net.

SANDY(nods silently)

ELAINEBye

JERRYBye bye

ELAINEHave you noticed she never laughs

JERRYHm, really?

ELAINEYeah Kramer and George on street

GEORGECheck that out (showing newspaper)

KRAMERWhoa, you're dating this woman?

GEORGEThat's right.

KRAMERGeorge, you're becoming one of the gliterratti

GEORGEWhat's that.

KRAMERYa' know, people who glitter. She's a slim gal.

GEORGEAnd the amazing thing is she eats like there's no tomorra'. I mean I've never seen an appetite like this. Desserts. Everything. I don't know how she does it.

KRAMERMaybe she's bulimic

GEORGEWa?

KRAMERBulimic,

GEORGEKramer, she's a model.

KRAMERExactly

GEORGEI have noticed she does tend to go to the bathroom right after we finish eating.

KRAMERThere you go monkey boy. Pepperdella's Restaurant

NINAMmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm. Aren't you hungry?

GEORGEJust enjoying watching you. Other restaurant

SANDYSo did you like the movie?

JERRYYeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket.

SANDY(nods silently)

JERRYNot that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.

SANDY(nods silently) That's funny.

JERRYI'm glad you enjoyed it. Pepperdella's Restaurant

NINAOh, I'm so full.

GEORGEYes, full. I love to be full ... love to sit back, loosen the old belt and digest away for hours. Let those enzymes do their work.

NINAWill you excuse me.

GEORGEWhere you going?

NINAI just need to freshen up.

GEORGEYou're fresh (grabs her arm) You're very fresh. You seem very fresh to me. You're very vital. I couldn't take you any fresher.

NINAGeorge I need to freshen., George, George, George ... Jerry's Apartment

JERRYIt was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman.

ELAINESee, what did I tell ya?

JERRYAnd even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." ... That's funny!

ELAINEOo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.

JERRYI mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something!

ELAINE(on phone)Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss. Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh, ah ok, she'll be in later? OK, thank you. Uh. (to Jerry) This guy said she hurt her arm playing tennis. ... Pretty bad. George enters

GEORGEWell, I heard a noise.

JERRYWhat noise?

GEORGEYou know, .. blah ...

JERRYWhat blah?

GEORGEFrom the bathroom.

JERRYOh, you think she was refunding?

GEORGEEvery time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom.

ELAINESo you're concerned.

GEORGEElaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.

JERRYIn a manner of speaking.

GEORGELet me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. Y'know what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me. Kramer enters.

KRAMERHere's your scrubber back.

JERRYThanks.

GEORGEHey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room.

JERRYA matron?

GEORGEYeah Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.

JERRYuh, well I can't help you there (weakly).

GEORGEWha?

KRAMERNothin'

GEORGEYou know a matron?

KRAMERMe?

GEORGEYou

KRAMERNo.

GEORGEKramer,

KRAMERWell, now look, just leave me alone.

GEORGEWell, what is it?

KRAMERNo, don't, don't make me

GEORGEWha?

KRAMERNo, I can't, all right I can't ...

GEORGEWho?

KRAMER... My mother's a matron!

ELAINEBabs?

KRAMERYeah, there, all right I said it there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything else you want to know?

GEORGEKramer, Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.

KRAMERLook, George, I can't help ya, all right.

GEORGEWhy not? Why not?

KRAMERlet me go. let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A LOT of pain.

GEORGECome on, Kramer.

KRAMERI can't I can't

JERRYKramer you're going to have to face her some time

KRAMER(mumbles) b'd b'd Doubleday offices

ELAINEHello (sees Landis) Oh, my goodness. What happened?

LANDISI tore my umeral epicondilitist

ELAINEOh

LANDISMy doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again.

ELAINEOh, you'll be playing ...

LANDISIf I can't play tennis I don't know what I'll do.

ELAINEThere are plenty of things you can do, there's chess and uh uh mah jong,

LANDISYou don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ...

ELAINE... and biking and ..

LANDISWhat am I going to do?

ELAINE... hiking ...

LANDIS(wimpers)

ELAINE(sees racquet) Could I ...

LANDISIf I can't play tennis I have no reason to live .. (cries)

ELAINE(sees racquet), You know it's not important I'm gonna, ok, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis Restaurant Woman's Powder Room Kramer and George enter

KRAMERMa?

BABSCosmo!

GEORGECosmo? Jerry's apartment

JERRYWhy didn't you just ask her for it?

ELAINEI told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again Buzzer

JERRYYeah

GEORGEHey di ho

JERRYC'mon up.

JERRYSo when do you have to get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?

ELAINEaugh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy

JERRYHe needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?

ELAINEHe'll only play with his racquet

JERRYWell, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?

ELAINEThat's stealing?

JERRYStealing? You loaned her the racquet!

ELAINEI know. George enters

GEORGEHey oh.

ELAINEJERRY: Hey

JERRYSo what happened with Kramer's mother?

GEORGEIt's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.

JERRYWhat's she like?

GEORGEOh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.

ELAINEAh, I'm ready what?

JERRYWhat is it?

GEORGEI uh got the first name.

ELAINEYou found out Kramer's first name?

GEORGEThat's right. You ready?

JERRYWe've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?

GEORGECosmo

ELAINEJERRY: Cosmo?

GEORGECosmo

ELAINEJERRY: Cosmo - all laugh -

ELAINECosmo, Cosmo? Kramer enters

KRAMERWhat's so funny? ... wha?

ELAINECOSMO?

KRAMERAll right, OK So you the name now. The cat is .a a a .. out of the bag. J; Well I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.

ELAINEIt's not such a bad name.

KRAMERWell you know all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo! X's apartment

LAURAYes?

JERRYHi, is Sandy here?

LAURAHi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in?

JERRYI would except I forgot to bring a towel.

LAURA(laughs nicely) Monks {Jerry starts.}

JERRYSo the roommate laughed at everything I said.

GEORGEWow.

JERRYIt was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse "ha's." You know those?

GEORGEOh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.

JERRYYeah.

GEORGEHate the big coarse "ha." Hate those.

JERRYAnd the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.

GEORGEI see.

JERRYSo as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.

GEORGEWell, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.

JERRYCan't be done, huh?

GEORGEThe Switch?

JERRY"The Switch."

GEORGECan't be done.

JERRYI wonder.

GEORGEDo you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

JERRYThey didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.

GEORGEWell, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.

JERRYThe point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

GEORGEAll right, dammit, I'm in.

JERRYI couldn't do it without you.

GEORGEAll right. Let's get to work. {Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.}

GEORGEAll right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.

JERRYAw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!

GEORGEWe'll come up with something.

JERRYYeah, sure we will.

GEORGEAll right. See you tomorrow. {George sighs, exits.} {Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.}

GEORGEI-I-I-I-I got it!!!!! {Commercial, then "third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.)}

GEORGEAll right. Let's go over it again, one more time.

JERRYAll right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a mnage trois with her and her roommate.

GEORGEThat's right.

JERRYAnd you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

GEORGEKeep going.

JERRYAt this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

GEORGEContinue.

JERRYThe roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request. {George takes over.}

GEORGEA few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.

JERRYHuh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that. {Another pregnant pause. George?}

GEORGEYou disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem." {Final pause. Jerry?}

JERRYIt's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.

GEORGE{George, finger in the peanut butter jar}: This is what I do. Doubleday Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.

KEITHCan I help you?

ELAINEUh, no, I'm OK.

KEITHWell then what are you doing with that racquet?

ELAINEUm, it's mine. Miss. Landis borrowed it.

KEITHWell, I'm sorry you can't take that, no no no..

ELAINENo no no, I can. I can. It's mine. It's my racquet.

KEITHLook sweetheart I don't know who you are. I don't know what you're doing here. But...

ELAINEAll right. I'm going I'm going

KEITHNot with ...

ELAINEGive it give it ..

KEITHLeave ...

ELAINEAll right all right forget it. You don't have to mention any of this to Miss. Landis do you?

KEITHI don't have to but I will. Street Babs and Kramer

CLOTWORTHYMorning Cosmo

KRAMERHi Mr. Clotworthy

CLOTWORTHYHow are you today?

KRAMERAh couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.

LANDISHi Cosmo

KRAMERMy mom Babs.

LANDISHi Mrs. Kramer

BABSLorraine

KRAMERYes, It's a fine day

Unseen(Larry David's voice) What do you say Cosmo?

KRAMERHey, everything my man. Sandy's apartment

SandyWhat:

JERRYYou know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.

SANDYOooo, that is a wild idea

JERRYUh? Monks Kramer and Babs

KRAMERYou ma, know I've been thinking. I want you to quit that matron job.

BABSYes, well isn't that just easy for you to say. What the hell do you think I'm going to do with myself?

KRAMERWell maybe we could go into business together. If you're clean?

BABSI've been clean for two years. Anyway what would we do together?

KRAMERI've got plenty of ideas.

BABSI've always believed in you Cosmo. You know that. So I want you to call that place today and tell then tha you're through.

BABSAll right. I'll do it. Restaurant George and Nina

NINAMmmm mm so good.

GEORGE... so glad.

NINAWill you excuse me I've got to freshen up.

GEORGEAnd why shouldn't you? Be fresh Stay fresh

WOMANI'll be back. I'm not feeling very well.

WaitressCare to see our dessert menu?

GEORGEUh, yeah. Do you know Babs?

WaitressOh, yeah I was sorry to hear she left.

GEORGEBabs left?

WaitressShe quit today. George runs to bathroom and hears retching sounds. George enters woman's bathroom GEORGE:Ah Ha.

NINAWhat are you doing here George?

GEORGEI was just wondering what it was you wanted for dessert. Nina leaves - woman exits stall

GEORGEHow 'ya feelin'? Street Newman and Babs

BABSHi Newman

NEWMANHi Babs

BABSWhat are you doin'

NEWMANMinding my own business.

BABSYou'll never get into trouble that way.

NEWMANWhat makes you think I'm lookin' for trouble?

BABSFrom what I hear you postmen don't have to look too far.

NEWMANha ha ha Well you know sometimes it just has a way of finding you. Cigarette?

BABSDon't mind if I do. Jerry's Apoartment George knocking on Kramer's door yelling Kramer... Jerry opens his door.

JERRYHey George enters

GEORGEWhat happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face.

JERRYAh, that's a shame.

GEORGEHey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

JERRYYeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGESo what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRYNo actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGESo what happened?

JERRYShe's into it.

GEORGEInto what?

JERRYThe manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGEThat's unbelievable.

JERRYOh, it's a scene man.

GEORGEDo you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRYWhat are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGEYou're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?

JERRYI can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGEAre you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRYDon't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGEIf only something like that could happen to me.

JERRYOh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGEI know. Elaine enters

JERRYHey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?

ELAINENo, I got caught.

JERRYWhat do you mean you got caught?

ELAINEHer assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.

JERRYI still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet.

ELAINEMeanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon. Kramer enters

KRAMERHey.

JERRYHi Cosmo.

ELAINEHi Cosmo

KRAMERThanks man.

JERRYHey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?

KRAMERUh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.

JERRYHum, but you've got the key to his place right?

KRAMERYeah

JERRYWell Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.

KRAMERAll right all right. Come on I'll take you over to Newman's

GEORGEHey, Cosmo what happened to your mother last night. She hung me out to dry.

KRAMERShe quit.

GEORGEIt would have been nice if someone told me about it. I just think you could have said something. That's all. Trying to enter newman's apartment

KRAMERDon't talk to me George, talk to her.

GEORGEWell where is she?

KRAMERI don't know. They enter Newman's apartment - Babs and Newman on the couch.

KRAMERMa!

BABSCosmo!

NEWMANWe din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?

[END SHOW]