The Label Maker

Opening monologue.

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players

are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting

for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are

standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from

another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another

team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they

*hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo.

Opening scene.

Jerry and George are at a hot dog vendor's cart.

JerryYou sure you don't want the tickets?

GeorgeNo thanks.

JerryI can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.

GeorgeI'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game.

JerryI can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party.

GeorgeWell who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

JerryMaybe he didn't know?

GeorgeLemme see. I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets) Row F?!

JerryRow F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es.

GeorgeHowbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?

JerryI asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football.

GeorgeWish I could help you.

JerryCome on, take them. You could take Bonnie.

GeorgeYou paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?

JerryWhat do you think?

GeorgeSo in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.

JerryYeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you haven't, uh...

GeorgeOh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's the first night.

JerryAah.

GeorgeHey, is that Tim Whatley?

JerryThe Dentist?

GeorgeYeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party?

JerryOh, no. I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it.

GeorgeOh good.

JerryYeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim.

TimHey Jerry! George. What are you up to?

JerryAh, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.

GeorgeI'm getting a makeover.

JerryHey. How would you like to go to the Super Bowl?

TimWhat, are you kidding?

JerryHere. Two tickets. Have a good time.

TimHow can I think you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendys?

JerryNo no no. No dinner. New scene. Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.

JerryTim, you didn't have to get me a thank you gift. I know, it's a label maker. The Label Baby Junior. Yeah, I hear they're good. Well, label me thankful. Okay, well you enjoy those tickets. Buh-bye. Jerry hangs up, there's a pounding on the door.

JerryCome in. More pounding. Jerry opens the door and Kramer backs in carrying a board game.

KramerWhere can I put this?

JerryWhat is it?

KramerIt's Risk, Jerry. The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright, that's perfect. Newman walks in.

JerryKramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman) Hello, Newman.

NewmanHello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work.

JerryTake what?

KramerThe board, Jerry. We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go.

JerrySo why don't you leave it at Newman's?

NewmanI wanted to, he won't let me.

KramerWe have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.

JerrySo that's here?

KramerYes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

JerryI don't wanna be Switzerland.

KramerJerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.

NewmanDon't look at me.

KramerOh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

JerryAlright, soldier boys, let's fall out.

KramerAlright, so you're gonna look after it?

JerryYeah, yeah.

KramerStay strong buddy.

JerryYeah.

KramerWatch it good.

JerryOk. Kramer leaves, Elaine enters.

ElaineHey.

JerryHey.

ElaineHey. Oh, is that a label maker?

JerryYes it is. I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior.

ElaineLove the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.

JerryTim Whatley?

ElaineYeah. Who sent you that one?

JerryOne Tim Whatley! Elaine. No, my Tim Whatley?

JerryThe same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets.

ElaineI think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!

JerryOr maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage.

ElaineYeah, perhaps.

JerryWell how did he react when you gave it to him?

ElaineUm, he said, "Oh. A label maker. Howbout that?"

JerryHe repeated the name of the gift?

ElaineYeah, so?

JerryOh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.

ElaineWhat do you mean?

JerryOh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, "Oh. Tube socks." What are you gonna do about it?

ElaineI don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.

JerryWhy'd you get him a gift anyway?

ElaineOh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.

JerryYeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large. New scene. George and his girlfriend, Bonnie, are entering her apartment.

BonnieWell, here we are. This is the place.

GeorgeWow.

BonnieDo you like it?

GeorgeI love it! This is fantastic! Look at this couch, is this velvet?!

BonnieAre you a velvet fan?

GeorgeA fan? I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. And look at this, hardwood floors!

BonnieAren't they great? (sees a man enter from the bedroom) Oh, Scott, hi. This is George. George, this is Scott, my roommate. Scott walks into the kitchen. George (bewildered): Heh heh.

BonnieHere, check out this view. If you lean out this window, you can see the river. Scott returns from the kitchen eating an apple, and heads back to the bedroom.

GeorgeSo Scott's your roommate, huh?

BonnieYes. Oh, I'm sure I've mentioned him.

GeorgeNo, you didn't mention it.

BonnieHe's a great guy, you'll really like him.

GeorgeI'm sure I will. New scene. George and Jerry are at the coffee shop.

JerryMale roommate, huh?

GeorgeYes. A male roommate.

JerryIs this a problem?

GeorgeIt's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.

JerryWell, maybe he's --

GeorgeNo. Believe me, he's not.

JerrySo he's an eligible receiver.

GeorgeShe's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'

JerryWhat's stopping them?

GeorgeExactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.

JerryWhat does he look like?

GeorgeOh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.

JerryHe looks like you and he's working from the inside?

GeorgeI look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?

JerryNot you.

GeorgeHo ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end!

JerryWe'll take a check please.

GeorgeI gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable--

JerryI know, you would drape yourself in velvet.

GeorgeI've said that before?

JerryMany times. You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet. Kramer (entering): Hey.

GeorgeHey.

JerryHey.

KramerGuess what? I saw Newman talking to the super.

JerrySo what?

KramerThe super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.

JerryOh, maybe he's got no hot water.

KramerYeah, alright, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people; you and George.

JerryAre you through?

KramerOh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah, the Drake's wedding? That's off.

JerryThe wedding is off? What happened?

KramerThe Drake, he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl. So he wanted to postpone it, they got in a big argument and *phlf* it's over. New scene. Jerry and George are entering Jerry's apartment.

GeorgeThe wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl.

JerryI can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.

GeorgeYou just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period.

JerryAre you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period.

GeorgeWell, didn't he regift the label maker?

JerryPossibly.

GeorgeWell, if he can regift, why can't you degift?

JerryYou may have a point.

GeorgeI have a point, I have a point.

JerryAlright, I'll call him.

GeorgeYeah. What's that?

JerryOh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you? Well it turns out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye. He already made plans, he can't change them. George (eating a pickle): Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them.

JerryThanks.

GeorgeAlright, I gotta go. I'm heading over to Bonnie's.

JerryWhat are you gonna do about the roommate?

GeorgeI gotta try and find a way to switch places with him. It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick.

JerryWell, the pickle breath is a good start. George leaves, Newman enters, or would except Jerry tries slamming the door on him.

NewmanHello Jerry, may I come in?

JerryWhat do you want? Newman (squeezing himself through the narrow space): Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?

JerryI'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board.

NewmanJerry? I'm a little insulted.

JerryYou're not a little anything, Newman. So just pack it up and move it out of here. Newman (leaving): Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?

JerryI dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?

NewmanWell if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.

JerryYou're going to the Super Bowl?

NewmanYes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.

JerryWhat's his name?

NewmanTim Whatley.

JerryThat's my ticket!

NewmanIs it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha. Jerry (as Newman leaves): Newman! New scene. George and Bonnie are at Bonnie's

GeorgeWhat a movie. Good choice.

BonnieThank Scott. He recommended it.

GeorgeOh, Scott, Scott. He's really great, isn't he?

BonnieYes he is.

GeorgeYes he is. Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?

BonnieGeorge?

GeorgeDo you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?

BonnieGeorge, you're being ridiculous.

GeorgeWhat's the massage situation?

BonnieWhat do you mean?

GeorgeIs there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?

BonnieGeorge, would you just stop?

GeorgeSay you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?

BonnieGeorge, what is wrong with you?

GeorgeI'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's unnatural, it's an abomination! Scott enters.

ScottHey!

GeorgeHey!

ScottHow ya going?

GeorgeI'm good. Scott (to Bonnie): Are you gonna need the bathroom? 'Cause I'm gonna jump in the shower.

BonnieNo, just throw my bras out of the way. New scene. Elaine and Tim Whatley are walking together on the street.

TimWell, this is my building.

ElaineYes it is.

TimThis was fun, you know?

ElaineYeah.

TimSo, I'll call.

ElaineAren't you gonna invite me upstairs?

TimUpstairs? You wanna go upstairs?

ElaineI would love to go upstairs.

TimElaine, you are something else. No one can ever put a label on you, huh?

ElaineWe'll see. New scene. Jerry and George are at their booth in the coffee shop.

JerryNewman. He's going with Newman.

GeorgeHow does Tim Whatley even know Newman?

JerryNewman's his mailman.

GeorgeWho goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!

JerryWho goes *anywhere* with Newman?!

GeorgeWell, he's merry.

JerryHe is merry, I'll give him that. (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for?

GeorgeI had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.

JerryOh, well the cactus will smooth things over. Elaine enters.

ElaineHey, guess what? I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.

JerryWhat?

ElaineWe went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket.

JerryWhat about the label maker?

ElaineAh, well.

JerryWait a minute, that's my ticket! You didn't even want to go.

ElaineIt was totally out of the blue. We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker.

JerrySo, how did you get up there? Did you say you had to use the bathroom?

ElaineNo.

JerryThen how'd you get up there?

ElaineI said, "Do you wanna go upstairs?"

GeorgeAnd there's you ticket.

ElaineWhat?

JerryThat's why you're going to the Super Bowl.

ElaineWhy?

JerryYou go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend.

ElaineYou mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown?

JerryObviously.

ElaineYou're crazy.

GeorgeWell, what happened when you got upstairs?

ElaineAs soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker.

JerryYeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp. New scene. Jerry is in the hallway approaching his apartment door. Kramer walks out of his apartment.

KramerHey.

JerryHey. What are you doing?

KramerI'm watching your door.

JerryMy door?

KramerYeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all. Cut to the interior of Jerry's apartment. Newman sneaks out from the bedroom towards the table where the Risk board is sitting. He accidentally knocks some CDs off the shelving unit, making a lot of noise. Jerry (still outside): What was that?

KramerNewman! Jerry begins opening the door, Newman does not have enough time to change the board pieces. Newman (fleeing to the bedroom): Damn! Jerry (after entering): The bedroom! Jerry runs to the bedroom, catching a glimpse of Newman climbing out the open window and up the fire escape. Jerry and Kramer rush to the window.

JerryI see you, Newman! I see you!

KramerI'm taking the Congo as a penalty! New scene. Elaine and Tim Whatley are sharing a cab.

ElaineI've got a confession to make.

TimOh? What's that?

ElaineI've got Super Bowl fever.

TimOh yeah, me too.

ElaineSo where are we staying?

TimOh, the Ambassador.

ElaineOh. Big room?

TimIt's a regular room, but it's right downtown.

ElaineDowntown?

TimRight downtown.

ElaineWhat do they have there, a couple of beds?

TimWhy? You bringing someone else?

ElaineNo, but don't you think there should be two beds? There's two of us. Tim's grin disappears. New scene. George enters Bonnie's apartment.

BonnieOh, a cactus.

GeorgeThey don't need any water, so you don't have to keep taking them to the bathroom. They share a laugh. Scott enters from the back holding a cardboard box. He places it on a stack of similar boxes.

ScottWell, look who's here.

BonnieI asked Scott to move out.

GeorgeOh. Oh! New scene. George and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman are seated at the Risk board on the living room table.

JerrySo she kicked him out of the apartment.

GeorgeThat's right. It's just me and her.

JerryWow, she rearranged her whole life for you.

GeorgeI guess she did. He's gone, now I'm the man.

JerryThat's not a good role for you.

GeorgeNo, it's not.

JerryYou unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure.

GeorgeOh my god.

JerryYou wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried.

GeorgeI had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.

JerryHe was shouldering. George (walking towards the door): I couldn't leave well enough alone?!

JerryWhere are you going?

GeorgeI gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.

JerryOh, well here. Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again.

GeorgeThanks. Kramer (rolling the dice): Yeah. I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.

JerrySo, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman?

NewmanYeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him. Jerry (walking out): Thanks for having me over, guys. New scene. Jerry and George are out on the street, Tim Whatley comes running up.

JerryAlright, I'll see you later.

TimHey Jerry?

JerryAh, Tim Whatley. Out scalping?

TimAh, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.

JerryAre you serious, what about Elaine?

TimOh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would.

JerryOh. (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your car!! Kramer (running to the window): What?! Not my car!! Hey!! They're towing my car!! Kramer runs out the door, leaving Newman alone with the Risk board, but only for a moment. He runs back in and grabs the board.

NewmanWhat are you doing?

KramerI'm taking the board with me. Kramer runs out carrying the board, Newman follows a moment later. Back on the street, Kramer's car is jacked up and the driver is just taking off. Kramer comes running after it, yelling at the driver and balancing the game board with Newman at his heels.

TimSo, I guess I'll see you at the game.

JerryYeah, see you there. New scene. George walks into Bonnie's apartment, *everything* is boxed up and Bonnie is taping up the last of the boxes. He knocks to get her attention.

BonnieHi, George.

GeorgeWhat, what happened? Where's, where's all the stuff?

BonnieIt's gone. It was all his. Is this a label maker?

GeorgeThe table, the stereo, the VCR, the velvet couch, where's the velvet?

BonnieThey were his. Besides, we don't need any of those things. We have each other. New scene. Kramer and Newman are on a subway car, the Risk board sits on their laps.

NewmanAre you sure you know where the impound yard is?

KramerOh, stop stalling. Come on.

NewmanI can't think, there's all this noise.

KramerOr is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.

NewmanI'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine. This comment perks up the ears of what appears to be a Russian immigrant.

KramerHa ha, the Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.

UkrainianI come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.

KramerYeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.

UkrainianUkraine is game to you?! Howbout I take your little board and smash it!! The Ukrainian pounds the game board, destroying it and sending army pieces flying. New scene. Tim Whatley approaches his building, Elaine is waiting at the door.

ElaineHello, Tim. Tim (startled): Elaine, hi.

ElaineDon't worry, Tim. I didn't come by to yell at you, I didn't come by for that at all. I just came by to pick up my label maker. I gave you a label maker and now I would like to have it back.

TimBut you gave it to me.

ElaineBut you gave me a ticket to the Super Bowl. Hand it over, Whatley.

TimUh, ok.

ElaineYou don't have the label maker, do you?

TimUh, no.

ElaineI knew it! You're a regifter!

TimOh, yeah, some gift. That thing didn't work at all.

ElaineWhat?

TimYou put a label on something, then ten minutes later it would peel right off. It was the worst gift I ever got. Elaine (visibly upset): Well, I bought it for you because you were so nice to me for not charging me for the dental work. The way you worked on my filling, you were so, so gentle and so caring and so sensitive.

TimOh, Elaine! They embrace passionately. New scene. First the exterior, then the interior of a mail truck. Boxes are being jostled. A close-up of a box labeled with "Scott Thomas" and a street address is shown. The labels fall off the box, one by one. New scene. First the exterior, then the interior of a football stadium. Jerry is walking down the aisle.

JerryH... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman.

NewmanHello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it, he's in love. Isn't that wonderful?

JerryOh, it's enchanting. New scene. George is bringing a portable TV to Bonnie's so they can watch the game.

BonnieHi.

GeorgeHere's the TV. I know you wanted to watch the Super Bowl. Do you at least have some towels we could sit on? It's, like, a four hour game.

BonnieGeorge, Scott's gonna drop by. He said he never got his boxes. I'll get the towels. George (internally): How am I gonna get out of this? Think Costanza, think!

BonnieHere we are.

GeorgeHey, do you know, Bonnie, I just had a pretty wild idea.

BonnieWhat is it?

GeorgeWell I, uh, I'm not sure how you pronounce it or anything, but I, uh, I believe it's Ménage à Trois?

BonnieWhat? Just then, Scott enters.

ScottHi.

BonnieScott! Remember what we talked about the other day? George is into it.

ScottOh really?! Scott walks towards George, the camera moves in on a close-up of an increasingly horrified George, and freezes. New scene. Jerry and Newman are at the Super Bowl.

NewmanGreat streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.

JerryCan you move over at all?!

NewmanAnd then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.

JerryAn inch! Can you move over an inch?!?

[END SHOW]