The Rye

ELAINE[thinking] I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job and never work again.

[club applauds]

ELAINEJerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific.

JERRYMaybe he'll write a song about you.

ELAINEYeah. Right. [laughing] Like that really matters.

JERRYSo I take it he's spongeworthy?

ELAINEOh, yeah.

JERRYWell, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free.

ELAINEWell, actually, he's - he's not that way at all.

JERRYOh, no?

ELAINEYeah. In fact, he....[moaning]

JERRYCome on. Come on.

ELAINEI don't wanna!

JERRYElaine, you're among friends.

ELAINE[sighs] Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything.

JERRYOh.

ELAINEYeah. It's surprising.

JERRYYes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you?

ELAINENo. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice.

JERRYSure. Why not? You're there.

ELAINEExactly.

JERRYBut you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen.

KRAMERHey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car.

JERRYWhat stuff?

KRAMERI just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby.

JERRYAll right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff.

KRAMERCourse I will. These are staples.

JERRYA four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple?

KRAMERLindsay olives, Jerry.

JERRYA forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs?

KRAMER$17.50. You can't beat that.

JERRYLook...look at this can of tuna!

KRAMERYeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut.

JERRYThis isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3.

KRAMERHey, Clyde!

CLYDEHey, Kramer! What's happening, dude?

KRAMERYeah. Ahh. Hey, this is Jerry here.

CLYDEHow ya doin'?

JERRYHi.

KRAMERYou know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine.

JERRYJohn Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine.

CLYDEOh yeah?

JERRYOh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy.

CLYDEIs that right?

KRAMERHey, how 'bout giving me a hand? You know, bring some of this stuff upstairs.

CLYDEOh, sorry Kramer, I got to watch the hands. My hands are my life.

ESTELLEGeorgie, can you zip me up?

GEORGEYeah. Yeah, one second.

ESTELLEWell, come on!

GEORGEAll right. All right. Let's not get into panic mode! Let's not make a big deal outta this thing or we're never gonna get through this night.

ESTELLEWell, I'm meeting your in-laws, I think I should look nice.

GEORGEMy in-laws. Oh, my....

FRANKSo, what do you think? Your old man can look pretty good when he wants to, huh?

ESTELLEI don't like that tie.

FRANKWhat's the matter with this tie? I've hardly worn it.

ESTELLEIt's too thin. They're wearing wide now.

FRANKHow do you know what kind of ties they wear?

ESTELLEGo to any office building on 7th Avenue and tell me if there's anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead!

FRANKOh, get the hell outta here. 7th Avenue.

ESTELLEGeorge, do you think he should wear a tie like that?

FRANKHuh?

GEORGEI think he should wear whatever tie he wants.

FRANKWe gotta stop off and pick up a marble rye from Schnitzer's.

ESTELLEIt's out of our way. Why can't we pick up something at Lord's? It's right over here.

FRANKNo! We have to go to Schnitzer's! I'll show these people something about taste!

GEORGEThis is gonna be fun.

JERRYHey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in your friend John Germaine's band there.

ELAINESo what did he have to say?

JERRYNothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.

ELAINEHot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?

JERRYYeah.

ELAINEWhat did you do that for?

JERRYWhat?

ELAINEWhat if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy.

JERRYOh

ELAINEI'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.

JERRYWell, Clyde might not tell him.

ELAINEHow do you know that?

JERRYI should have helped Kramer with those packages.

ELAINEOhh! [Kramer, walking down hall to his apartment, his arms loaded with dozens of pop cans, falls forward, spilling cans about in hallway]

DENNISLet me give you a hand. Hey, Kramer. I wonder, could you do me a favor? I'm taking the family to Disneyworld next week. I wonder...

KRAMERUh-huh.

DENNISI wonder, could you pick up my mail?

KRAMERYeah. Sure. Sure.

DENNISIn fact, you know what, how would you like to take my hansom cab for the week?

KRAMERDrive the horse?

DENNISIt'll just be sitting there. You can really clean up. 500 bucks a day. I'll split it with ya.

KRAMEROh, giddyup. Yeah.

GEORGEThis is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

MRS. ROSSOh.

MR. ROSSWhat are you complimenting her for? She didn't make it Rowenna did.

FRANKWhat is this thing anyway?

MRS. ROSSIt's Cornish gamehen.

FRANKWhat is that, like a little chicken?

GEORGEIt's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughing] Little chicken. It's a gamebird.

FRANKGamebird?

GEORGEYeah.

FRANKWhat do you mean? Like, you - you hunt it?

MR. ROSSYes.

FRANKHow hard could it be to kill this thing?

ESTELLEI couldn't help but notice that you have quite a library in there.

MRS. ROSSIf I had a dime for every book he's actually read, [laughing] I'd be broke.

SUSANMore wine anyone?

FRANKYeah. I'll take some.

SUSANHmmm?

FRANKThank you.

SUSANHow do you like the Merlot?

ESTELLEMerlot? I never heard of it. Did they just invent it?

MRS. ROSSOh, mother.

GEORGEShe's, uh, she's heard of Merlot.

FRANKLet me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?

GEORGEWhy don't we talk about it another time.

FRANKBut you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!

MRS. ROSSSomething's missing all right.

MR. ROSSThey're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.

FRANKThat's perverse.

GEORGEDid anybody see Firestorm?

MR. ROSSFirestorm, that's a hell of a picture.

GEORGEYeah.

MR. ROSSRemember when they had the helicopter land on top of that car --

FRANKHey! Hey! Come on! Come on! I haven't seen it yet.

MR. ROSSIt doesn't have anything to do with the plot!

FRANKStill! Still! I like to go in fresh!

GEORGEOh mother of God.

[clip clop]

KRAMEROf course, uh, this is Central Park. Uh, this was designed in 1850 by Joe Peppitone. Um, built during the Civil War so the northern armies could practice fighting on...on grass. Oh, yeah. Giddyup. On Rusty!

[applause]

JOHNThank you. Now, I'd like to play something th -- well, actually, it's my latest so it's nice and fresh. It's called " Hot And Heavy."

[saxophone playing]

GEORGEThank God that's over.

ESTELLEThe mother seems to hit the sauce pretty hard. I didn't like that.

FRANKAnd who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!

GEORGESo, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal.

ESTELLEIt is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm sorry. It's impolite.

FRANKNot impolite...it's stupid, that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that!

ESTELLEYour father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake!

GEORGEWhat is this? The marble rye?

MRS. ROSSOh, dear. I forgot to put out that - that bread they brought.

ESTELLEWe forgot to bring it in.

FRANKNo, I brought it in. They never put it out.

MRS. ROSSWhere is it?

SUSANI don't know. Where'd you put it?

MRS. ROSSRight over there.

SUSANWell, it's gone.

GEORGEYou stole the bread?

FRANKWhat do you mean stole? It's my bread. They didn't eat it. Why should I leave it there?

GEORGEBecause we brought it for them!

FRANKApparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve.

MRS. ROSSIs it possible they took it back?

SUSANWho would bring a bread and take it back?

MR. ROSSThose people, that's who. I think they're sick.

ESTELLEPeople take buses to get that rye.

GEORGEMaybe they forgot to put it out!

FRANKAw, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate! Deliberate, I tell ya!

JERRYHe stole back the rye?

GEORGEYeah.

JERRYWhy?

GEORGEWhy? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why.

JERRYSo, do the Ross's know?

GEORGEI don't know. They're all very suspicious.

JERRYWhy wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear.

GEORGENow, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life.

JERRYBad situation.

GEORGEI'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye.

JERRYWhat do you mean replace it?

GEORGEYou know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.

JERRYWell, there ya go. What's so hard about that?

GEORGEWhat's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment!

JERRYAll right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom cab.

GEORGESo?

JERRYWell, Kramer'll take them around for a while.

GEORGEAnd it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?

JERRYAre you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, clip clop. They're nuts for it.

GEORGESo, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there.

JERRYWhat about Susan?

GEORGEShe's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock.

JERRYBeautiful!

GEORGEYou think Kramer'll do it?

KRAMEROf course I'll do it. I'd be happy to. So, all I gotta do is be there at seven?

GEORGEYeah. Just take 'em out and ride 'em around for about..half an hour.

KRAMERHey.

JERRYWhat the hell are you doing there?

KRAMERIt's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some?

JERRYNo. No thanks.

KRAMERJerry, I think I bought too much at that price club. I don't have any room for it all.

GEORGEHold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment?

JERRYJust put it under your shirt.

GEORGEHave you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge!

JERRYI'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after seven right after they leave.

GEORGEOh, this is all locking in now. It is all locking in! [laughing]

ELAINEHey. Is that your horse outside?

KRAMERYeah. That's Rusty.

GEORGEWhat? He's outside?

KRAMERUh-huh.

GEORGEAw, come on. I wanna go see him.

KRAMERYou wanna go see him?

GEORGEYeah. Hey! Hey!

KRAMERI'll show ya Rusty.

GEORGEHey, Lainey, wanna see the horsey?

ELAINEWell, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.

JERRYSo, you think Clyde told him?

ELAINEHe wrote a song about it!

JERRYWell, maybe it's a good thing.

ELAINENo! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?

JERRYNo, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very pleasant.

ELAINEYou know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!

JERRYNo. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it.

ELAINEI can't! He's got a big showcase for record producers at his late show tonight. I don't wanna upset him. Aw, what the hell, I'll upset him.

MR. ROSSYeah George, I gotta tell ya, this is a very nice gesture. We really appreciate it.

GEORGEAw, well, you know, it's your anniversary. It's - it's the least I can do. I - I just want you guys to go out and have a good time. Ha ha. So, you think we should, uh, we should get downstairs?

MR. ROSSOh, we got about twenty minutes. You, uh, seem a little nervous George. Anything wrong?

GEORGEOh, no. No. No. No. No. Nothing. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all. Could I, uh, could I get a glass of water?

MRS. ROSSWe've got water. I don't think we have any bread, but we've got water.

KRAMERYeah. There ya go. That's Beef-A-Reeno. [singing] I'm so keen-o On Beef-A-Reeno What a delicious cuisine-o Fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah. Eat up. I got thirty four more cans.

MR. ROSSNice night for a hansom cab ride, 'ay George?

MRS. ROSSYou know, George we haven't done anything romantic like this in ....years.

GEORGE[thinking] Oh my God, it's 7:01. What have I done? My whole plan is depending on Kramer? Have I learned nothing? How could I make such a stupid mistake? He'll never show up!

[clip clop]

KRAMERAh ha!

GEORGEThere he is. Right on time as usual.

COUNTER WOMAN53.

MABEL53. I'd like a marble rye, no plastic, in a bag.

COUNTER WOMANAh! You're lucky. It's our last one.

JERRYWait a second, that's your last marble rye?

COUNTER WOMANThat's right.

JERRYThere's none left?

COUNTER WOMANThat's what I said. Number 54.

JERRYUh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may depend on it.

MABELWell, I'm sorry, but you should have got here earlier.

JERRYYes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up.

MABELYou're not getting this rye --

JERRYAll right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it.

MABELYou're in my way!

KRAMERAhh! Mr. Ross. Mrs. Ross. My name is Cosmo and I'll be your driver for this evening. We have blankets for your comfort. I also have hot chocolate if the mood should strike you.

MRS. ROSSMy favorite.

KRAMERWell, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty!

[clip clop]

JERRYAll right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye.

MABELNo? Watch me.

JERRYGive me that rye!

MABELStop it!

JERRYI want that rye, lady!

MABELHelp! Someone help!

JERRYShut up, you old bag!

MABELStop thief! Stop him! He's got my marble rye!

ELAINEI'm sorry to just show up unexpectedly like this. I know you've got your big showcase coming up later and I know how important it is, I know how hard you work for this night, but I just had to tell you that I never told Jerry hot and heavy. I didn't think we were hot and heavy. I mean - I mean, who's hot and who's heavy?

JOHNWhoa. Hold on, Elaine I.....I'm kinda disappointed.

ELAINEDisappointed?

JOHNYeah. I mean, I was excited when Clyde told me that.

ELAINEYou were?

JOHNAbsolutely.

ELAINEOhh! Whew! I am so relieved!

JOHNListen, uh, I've still got a couple of hours to kill before the next show. My place is only a few blocks from here.

ELAINEReally?

JOHNAnd you know what?

ELAINEWhat?

JOHNI've been thinking about what we do and I'm thinking..of...adding a new number to my, you know, repertoire.

ELAINEOhh!

[clip clop]

[Rusty snorting]

KRAMERY'aah!

[clip clop]

[Rusty farts]

MRS. ROSS[sniffing] What is that?

MR. ROSSI think it's the horse.

MRS. ROSSOh, God.

KRAMERHey, how's everything? You..you need anything?

MRS. ROSSThis is - this is...horrible.

MR. ROSSExcuse me,...what do you feed this animal?

KRAMEROh, you know, oats and hay. You know, they like that stuff.

MRS. ROSSI can't take this. Let me out of this thing!

MR. ROSSTurn this thing around. We've had it. We can't breathe back here! And hurry it up!

KRAMERRusty! Rusty!

GEORGE[whistling]

[clip clopping beginning in distance and growing discernibly louder]

KRAMERWhoa!

GEORGEWha - what happened? What are you doing back so soon?

MR. ROSSAsk Rusty.

KRAMERI'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ross. One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.

MRS. ROSSThanks for nothing! Come on, George. Let's go upstairs.

GEORGEWhat the hell happened?

KRAMERThe horse is gassy. Must have been the Beef-A-Reeno.

GEORGEBeef-A-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-A-Reeno?!

KRAMERWell, I overbought!

MR. ROSSGeorge.

GEORGE[muttering]

MUSIC GUYWhat's going on? Where is he?

MANAGERUh...he'll be here soon.

MUSIC GUYI'll give him ten more minutes. I'm not gonna stay here all night.

JERRYHow much did you give him?

KRAMERJust a can. But he really liked it, though.

GEORGEJerry! Up here!

JERRYYeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this?

GEORGEI can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up!

JERRYReally?

GEORGEYeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me?

JERRYWill you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.

KRAMERI don't wanna go back on there!

GEORGECome on!

JERRY[grunting as he throws bread into the air]

GEORGE[grunting] Hey! Hey, wait a second. I got an idea.

ELAINENo. No. Don't be silly, John, you were very good. You just don't have to try so hard. Good luck, honey.

GEORGECome on! Come on!

JERRYWait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away. [George finally gets rye into apartment, turning around to discover everyone staring at him]

GEORGECome on. Come on. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. [grunting]

MANAGERLadies and gentlemen, John Germaine.

[END SHOW]