The Calzone

George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium

GeorgeI believe the doors on the bathroom stalls , here at the stadium , don't offer much by way of privacy . But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors ......

Mr. . SteinbrennerAll the way to the floor ! What are you crazy ! You'd suffocate in there . Your lucky you have any doors at all . You know when I was in the army ...... Hey Costanza . What's that your eating over there ? It looks pretty tasty .

GeorgeIt's a calzone , sir .

Mr. . SteinbrennerA calzone huh . Pass it down here . Let's have a look at at it . I want a little taste . Come on , come on . Pass it down here . That's a good boy . Okay . What's in this thing ?

GeorgeUh . Cheese , pepperoni , eggplant .

Mr. . SteinbrennerEggplant . Yes . That's a hell of a thing . Okay let's get back to business . Okay here you go . Very good , very good . Excellent . excellent calzone you got there Costanza . Okay a little jealous now . Okay lets go . Ok last week ....... You know that eggplant was very good . Everybody out . I got eggplant on my mind . Costanza get me couple of those calzones right now . Pronto . Move out . Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. Must have one . Everybody out . Out . Jerry and Elaine at apartment

ElaineOne of those fabric wholesalers . This guy Todd Gack . I won a bet from him .

JerryWhat bet ?

ElaineHe bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars .

JerryDustin Hoffman in Star Wars !?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader . I don't think so .

ElaineThat's what I said .

JerrySo the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner ?

ElaineYeah .

JerryHuh .

ElaineWhat ?

JerryNo . nothing . Kramer walks in

JerryWhat's with you ?

KramerFeel this .

JerryWow .That's hot .

KramerYeah . It's piquing hot . It's fresh out of the dryer . Hey Elaine you have to feel my pants .

ElaineI'll see you later .

KramerOh . All right . You don't know what your missing . I'm loving this Jerry . I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer .

JerrySo know every time you get dressed . You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer .

KramerOh yeah . It's a warm and wonderful feeling , Jerry . So what are you doing later ?

JerryI got a date with Nikki .

KramerOh yeah she's a beauty .

JerryShe's also quite bold .

KramerOh bold and beautiful . George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

Mr. SteinbrennerI am loving this calzone . The pita pocket prevents it from dripping . The pita pocket . (phone rings)What is it Watson ? A lost and found . No . I don't think we need that . If people keel over because they lost something that's there tough luck . You got a drip on your mouth by the way .

GeorgeYou know a lost and found could be a good idea .

Mr. SteinbrennerHold on Watson . You like lost and found George ?

GeorgeDefinitely .

Mr. SteinbrennerAll right lost and found . But these got to be a time limit . We're not running a pawn shop here . Jerry and Nikki at movies

JerryHey , Elaine .

ElaineHi Jerry !

JerryThis is Nikki .

NikkiHi !

ElaineHello . This is Todd Gack .

JerryOh of course . Todd Gack . You did you bet was in Star Wars ? Sammy Davis Jr.

ElaineSo what movie are you guys seeing ?

Nikki"Means to an End "

ElaineOh . We were going to see that but it was sold out . So were going to see " Blame it on the Rain "

JerryWhy don't you see what you can do ?

NikkiOkay .

ElaineWhat's she going to do ? There's no more tickets .

JerryWe'll see .

ToddHey Jerry . Do you like cigars ?

JerryYeah . Why ?

ToddI am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap .

JerryHey ,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding .

ToddSo do you want a box ?

JerrySure . If there cheap Why not .

ToddAll right I buy a box and give to Elaine .

NikkiOkay two tickets "Means to an End"

JerryTold you .

ElaineHow did you do that ?

NikkiI just talked to the manager .

JerryAll right . Enjoy " Blame it on the Rain " Jerry and George at the coffee shop

GeorgeThere putting in a lost and found because of me . There's a time limit but still .

JerryThere really building a Utopian society up there huh .And you tribute all this to the calzone .

GeorgeYeah . I am like a drug dealer . I got the guy hooked . I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week . He doesn't make a move without me . It's very exciting .

JerryWith you two guys at the helm . The last piece of the puzzle is in place.

GeorgeSo let me ask you a question about the tip jar . I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week . I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way . And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing . I mean if they don't notice it what's the point .

JerrySo you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind .

GeorgeNot bills .

JerrySo George . Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants . We are at the movies last night . It's sold out . Nikki goes and talks to the manager . Right in .

GeorgeBeautiful women . You know they could get away with murder . You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds . They get whatever they want whenever they want it . You can't stop them .

JerryShe's like a beautiful Godzilla .

GeorgeWithout thousands of fleeing Japanese . Jerry and Kramer at his apartment

KramerHey buddy .

JerryWhat the hell is all this ?

KramerI am looking for quarters for the dryer .

JerryWhy can't you do this on your table ?

KramerBecause I don't have a table . Elaine walks in

ElaineHey .

JerryHey . So how was "Blame it on the Rain ?"

ElaineHuh . Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too .

JerryOh !! Let me ask you a question . Was the movie part of the bet ? Kramer leaves

ElaineNo . We were both in the mood for one .

JerryYou know Elaine , It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends ....

ElaineOh is that so .

JerryAbsolutely . But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet .

ElaineWhat are you talking about ?

JerryCome on . Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars . He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner

ElaineIf he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.

JerryBecause if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected . He has found a dating loop hole .

ElaineI don't buy it. Kramer walks in with more change

JerrySo what happened after the movie ?

ElaineNothing . He walked me home .

JerryTo the door ?

ElaineYeah .

JerryThat's a date .

ElaineNo it's not .

JerryBut I never walk you home .

ElaineThat's just because your a jackass .

KramerAh !! I found a quarter . Anybody want there clothes heated up ?

JerryNo , no .

ElaineNo , no .

JerrySo how did you leave it with him ?

ElaineI am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars .

JerryThat's another loop hole . That's two dates without asking you out .

ElaineYour crazy !

JerryCrazy like a man . George at Pisano's

WorkerNumber 49.

GeorgeYou know my last name is Costanza . That's Italian . So you and I are like country men . Pisano's !

Worker$ 6.50 your change .

GeorgeAnd I always take care of my Pisano's . So here is a little something. ( drop in tip and worker looks the other way , so George decides to take it out and try again only to get caught )

WorkerHey ! You steal my money !!

GeorgeNo no . That's not what I was trying to do .

WorkerI know what you try to do . Get out . Don't ever come back ever . George and Mr. Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium

GeorgeI got your calzones Mr. Steinbrenner .

Mr. SteinbrennerBeautiful . I am starving George .

GeorgeI thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef .

Mr. SteinbrennerCorn beef . I don't think so . It is a little fatty .

GeorgeHow about Chinese ?

Mr. SteinbrennerUhhhhh . No . Too many containers . Big mess , big mess . Too sloppy .I want to stick with the calzones from Pisano's . That's the ticket .

GeorgeI just thought it would be nice . A little variety .

Mr. SteinbrennerNo , no , no . George let me tell you something . When I find something I like I stick with it . From 1973 to 1982 I ate the exact same lunch everyday . Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread . Bread bowl George . First you eat the chili then you eat the bowl . There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing nothing but a table . Todd walking Elaine to her apartment

ElaineThanks for the dinner .

ToddWell I had to give these cigars and we were both hungry .

ElaineHey Todd . Let me ask you a question . Um . Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out ?

ToddWhat ?

ElaineI mean Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars ?

ToddElaine that was a legitimate bet and I lost so I bought you dinner .

ElaineOh all right . Okay well , goodnight .

ToddHey , if your not doing anything Saturday do you want to meet somewhere ?

ElaineSee what is that ? Is that a date ?

ToddWhy can't two people go and do something without it being a date ?

ElaineAll right . I am sorry it's not a date .

ToddNo way . So I'll see you Saturday night ?

ElaineAll right .

ToddPick you up at 8:00 p.m. Jerry and Nikki getting pulled over by a cop

Police officerDo you know what the posted speed limit on this road is ?

JerryI was got to be 55 .

Police officerThat's right it is . Do you know how fast you were going ?

JerryA lot faster than that !

Police officerStep out of the car sir .

JerryOkay dokey

Police officerCan I have your license and registration please ?

JerryAbsolutely . Nikki !

NikkiYes .

JerryWould you mind bringing the officer the registration ?

NikkiNot at all .

Police officerI got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour .

JerryYou must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100 .

NikkiOfficer . Hi . Do you really have to give us a ticket ?

JerryAll right Nik . That's it . Kramer and Jerry at his apartment

KramerHey buddy . I am waiting for my shirt .

JerryYou got your shirt in my oven !?!

KramerI didn't have any quarters for the dryer . Anyway this is better . And it's more convenient .

JerryFor both of us .

KramerAnd I have a lot more control . I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees .

JerryWhat's wrong with your oven ?

KramerI am baking a pie ! Buzz , buzz

JerryYeah .

GeorgeYeah .

JerryCome on up .

KramerYou got cigars , huh .

JerryI got some Cubans for George's wedding . They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell !

KramerOh yeah baby . spit , spit . What are these ? " Perducto de Peru " Jerry , if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming .

JerryPeru ! I paid $300 bucks for these . I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks !

KramerYou got ripped buddy .

JerryI got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out .

KramerThat's a nice name . Todd Gack . Is that Dutch ? ( Dingggggg ) Oh baby . Here we go . Uh momma .(putting his fresh out of the oven shirt on ) Hey George hey . Kramer leaves

GeorgeWell this is bad . I am really in a bad situation now .

Jerryso what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones ?

GeorgeWhat's he going to do ? That's exactly the point . Nobody knows what this guy is capable of ! He fires people like it is a bodily function .

JerryWhy don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you ?

GeorgeBecause before you know it he'll be having lunch with him . You know how these interoffice politics work .

JerryNo . I never had a job . Kramer walks in with no pants on

KramerI decided to go with the brown one 's . (pants)

GeorgeWhat the hell is this ?

JerryKramer's cooking up some corduroy .

GeorgeThere has got to be some way to get back into Pisano's .

KramerPisano's . That's the place by the stadium right ?

GeorgeYeah . You've heard of it ?

KramerYeah . Newman raves about it . It's on his mail route . He goes by there everyday .

GeorgeI'll see you guys later .

JerryWhat kind of pie are you cooking ?

KramerHuckleberry . George at Newman's apartment

NewmanYou certainly are in a bind .

GeorgeYeah . And since you go buy there everyday . I was hoping that we could help each other out .

NewmanOh well . Let me perfectly blunt . I don't care for you Costanza . You hang out at the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just it up wasting your lives .

GeorgeAre you going to help me or not ?

NewmanAll right , all right . I'll help you but I will except something in return .

GeorgeWhat ?

NewmanWell for starters I want a calzone of my own .....

GeorgeAll right .

NewmanAnd a slice of pepperoni pizza and a large soda and three times a week I will require a canolie .

GeorgeThat's a little steep don't you think ?

NewmanYou know I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic . I would hate to see him when he's hungry .

GeorgeAll right , all right .

NewmanDo we have a deal ?

GeorgeBut I have to have them by one o'clock . He's very regiment about his meals .

NewmanI know exactly how he feels . Pleasure doing business with you . Do come again . Ha , ha , ha , ha . Todd and Elaine at a restaurant

ElaineThis is nice .

ToddGack . Party of four .

ElaineParty of four ? Who are we meeting ?

ToddMom ! Dad ! This is Elaine .

MomHello .

ElaineHellllllooooo . End of dinner

MomNice meeting you .

ToddBye mom .

MomShe's wonderful .

ElaineWhat the hell was that ?

ToddWhat ?

ElaineWhy did you introduce me to your parents ?

ToddThere nice people . I thought you would like them .

ElaineCome on Todd . Admit it , this is a date .

ToddWhy is this a date ?

ElaineSaturday night with your parents . Unless I'm your sister this is a date.

ToddElaine . I don't understand why you can't meet someone else's parents without classifying it as a date .

ElaineWell if it's not a date then what is it ?

ToddIt's a lovely evening together .

ElaineI don't believe this .

ToddWell I am getting a cab want to join me ?

ElaineNo . I'll just walk home .

ToddOkay goodnight . ( goes to kiss her )

ElaineNow what was that ? George at Newman's apartment Knock , knock

NewmanHello . What 's this ?

GeorgeWell I was dropping of the calzone money for the week .... Um shouldn't you be at work by now ?

NewmanWork ? It's raining .

GeorgeSoooooo

NewmanI called in sick . I don't work in the rain .

GeorgeYou don't work in the rain ? Your a mailman . " Neither rain nor sleet nor snow ....." It's the first one .

NewmanI was never that big on creeds .

GeorgeYou were supposed to deliver my calzones . We had a deal !

NewmanI believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route . Well today I won't be going on my mail route ! Will I . Perhaps tomorrow .

GeorgeBut I'm paying you !

NewmanYes thank you . ( slams door )

GeorgeNewman !! Nikki and Jerry at his apartment

NikkiPeru ? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba ?

JerryI did .

NikkiWell if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him ?

JerryWell what could I do ? Unless you pay him a visit .

NikkiOkay . George at Kramer's apartment Knock , knock

GeorgeKramer !

KramerHey you !

GeorgeLook I need you to do me a favor . I need you to get me lunch at Pisano's .

KramerWhat happened to Newman ?

GeorgeHe called in sick .

KramerOh yeah right it's raining .

GeorgeCan you do it ?

KramerWhat time do you need it at ?

George1:00 p.m. Do you need any money ?

KramerNo . I got eight tons of change . I'm loaded . Kramer on street

KramerHey hold that bus ! Kramer at Pisano's

KramerHey . It's really wet out there .

WorkerWhat can I get you ?

KramerI here you make a pretty mean calzone .

WorkerCalzone !

KramerYeah calzone .

WorkerThe best !

KramerAll right . Lay them on me . I'll take three .

WorkerThree calzones .

KramerHey . That's a big oven . Huh . Listen . I was wondering if you could do me a favor . Elaine goes to the coffee shop

ElaineHey Todd .

ToddHi . You know Nikki . Elaine Yeah sure .

NikkiWait . Elaine will settle this . What's the "M" stand for in Richard M. Nixon ?

ElaineMilhouse .

NikkiI told you so . He said it was Moe . You owe me a dinner . Kramer at Pisano's

WorkerYour order is ready . Three calzones and one shirt and jacket .

KramerOh . This is all burned up . Look at this .

WorkerWhat the hell do I know about cooking a shirt ? What the hell is this? Your paying in pennies ?

KramerThat's all I got .

WorkerNo . You have to have bills . Paper money . You can't pay with this.

KramerI told you this is all I got .

WorkerThen no calzones . Worker and Kramer yelling at each other back and forth in Italian George's office at Yankee Stadium

GeorgeWhat happened ? Where have you been ?

KramerThe guy wouldn't give them to me because I wanted to pay in change .

GeorgeWhat the hell happened to your shirt ?

KramerHe overcooked it . It's ruined .

GeorgeYour clothes smell just like Pisano's . There's another Italian place on Jerome . Maybe I can fool him . Mr. Steinbrenner at his office

Mr. Steinbrenner on phoneThat's right . Do you want to say it again . I'll say it again . I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not . And how's this . Your fired . Okay your not .I am just a little hungry . Where's Costanza with my calzone . It's 1:15 . He's late . That smell . I have to call you back . Costanza . He's in the building . Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office . Costanza ! I'll get you . Jerry and Elaine at apartment

JerryStupid cigars . You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together .

ElaineThese are terrible .

JerryIt's like trying to smoke a chicken bone .

ElaineWhat kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway .

JerryI think it's Dutch . I got to get going .

ElaineWhere are you going ?

JerryI ... uh ....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her .

ElaineBut she broke up with you .

JerryI know , I know . But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no .

ElaineIt smells like a rubber fire . Jerry :What's that ?

ElaineI said rubber fire .

JerryOh .

ElaineDid you ever pay Todd for these things ?

JerryActually it's being taken care of right now . Kramer at Todd's apartment Knock , knock

KramerYou Gack ?

ToddYeah .

KramerHere's your money . Kramer throws a bag full of change at him Mr. Steinbrenner in George's office

Mr. SteinbrennerGeorge . Why do these clothes smell like Pisano's ?

GeorgeBecause they were heated up there .

Mr. SteinbrennerHeating up your clothes ? That's not a bad idea .

[END SHOW]