The Soul Mate

Opening scene - George at a meeting at the Susan Ross Foundation.

GEORGEYou want me to find a poem about Susan? May she rest in peace?!

WYCKWell, we think it would be a nice touch for the Foundation literature. Do you have a favorite poet, George?

GEORGEI like, uh...(mutters something unintelligible under his breath.)

WYCKPardon?

GEORGE(mutters it again)

WYCKWell, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident. (George looks at Wyck suspiciously.) New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop later that day.

JERRYHe cleared his throat?

GEORGEYes!

JERRYSo?

GEORGEHe did it right as he said "her unfortunate accident."

JERRYNot getting it.

GEORGEJerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!

JERRYOh, help me, Rhonda.

GEORGEWhat time is it? JERRY (looks at his watch): 1:15.

GEORGERight now?

JERRYI gotta go meet Pam.

GEORGEOh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?

JERRYOkay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.

GEORGEWhere's Elaine?

JERRYShe's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?

GEORGEWhat's with all these people having babies?

JERRYPerpetuation of the species.

GEORGEYeah! Right!

JERRYBy the way, just for the record -

GEORGENo, I did not! (They exit the coffee shop.) Commercial break. New scene - Elaine at her apartment with Carol, Gail and Lisa.

CAROL...but because it comes out of your baby, it smells good!

ELAINEWell, that's...that's sweet.

GAILBeing a mother has made me feel so beautiful.

CAROLElaine, you gotta have a baby!

ELAINEOh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...

LISAElaine. Move to Long Island and have a baby already.

ELAINEI really like the city.

CAROLThe city's a toilet. When's the last time you saw my little Adam?

ELAINEUh, it was in the Hamptons.

CAROLOh! I have pictures!

ELAINENo, no, that's okay, it's uh... CAROL (shows Elaine and the girls pictures of Adam): Look at him! Just look at him! (Elaine is revolted by the sight of "breathtaking" little Adam.) New scene - Jerry and George walking down the street after leaving Monk's.

JERRYSo, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day...

GEORGEDo you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?

JERRYYou know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?

GEORGEJerry Lewis?

JERRYI heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him.

GEORGEThat's pretty paranoid.

JERRYYes, it is.

GEORGEI like it!

JERRYI thought you might. New scene - Kramer in Jerry's apartment. Pam enters.

PAMOh, hi! I'm Pam. You must be Kramer. (Kramer is smitten with Pam and grins goofily.) Jerry's told me a lot about you. (Kramer continues grinning.) Well, I'm supposed to meet Jerry, it's my day off. I work in a bookstore. KRAMER (mouths the words): Books. (Knocks over a bowl of fruit on the counter.)

PAMOh, careful! (Jerry enters.)

JERRYHi, sorry I'm late.

PAMThat's okay. Kramer let me in.

JERRYYou know, if we rush, we can still make the movie.

PAMOkay. (Touches Kramer's hand) It was really nice meeting you. (Jerry and Pam leave. Kramer sniffs his hand where Pam touched him, and makes a delighted noise.) New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.

KRAMERI'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman.

NEWMANGo on.

KRAMERWell, she's Jerry's girlfriend.

NEWMANAh, yes. Forbidden love.

KRAMERShe works in a book shop. Her name is Pam.

NEWMAN"Pam." I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.

KRAMERI can't even speak in front of her. (Sits down on the couch.)

NEWMANJerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry? (Walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet.)

KRAMERShe has delicate beauty.

NEWMANJerry wouldn't know delicate beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head.

KRAMERAnd yet, he's my friend.

NEWMANAnd therein lies the tragedy. For I believe, sadly for you, that there is but one woman meant for each of us. One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth.

KRAMERAw, that's beautiful, Newman.

NEWMANOne winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for throughout our dreary, workaday lives! And you, my friend, have found your angel. I can tell. For my heart has also been captured by a breathless beauty - whom I fear I will never possess.

KRAMERI thought we were talking about me.

NEWMANRight. Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.

KRAMERConfront Jerry? I can't.

NEWMANYou must!

KRAMERI won't!

NEWMANYou will! New scene - Jerry, Elaine and George at a newsstand. ELAINE (to Jerry, imitating Carol): "Elaine, ya gotta have a baby." Ugh.

GEORGEWhere are all the poetry magazines?

ELAINEThe New Yorker has poetry.

GEORGEYes. The New Yorker.

JERRYWhy do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?

ELAINEThey're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.

JERRYC'mon, you want to have a baby.

ELAINEWhy? Because I can?

JERRYIt's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?

ELAINEYes! I think I am better than the mollusk!

KEVINI couldn't help overhearing what you were saying.

ELAINEOh, I'm sorry.

KEVINNo, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies.

ELAINEYeah, like you must procreate.

KEVINBesides, anyone can do it.

ELAINEOh, it's been done to death. (smiles) New scene - George in another meeting at the Foundation. He has a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.

GEORGEI, uh, should have a poem very soon now.

WYCKAre you okay, George?

GEORGENo, no, not really. Ever since Susan passed on, I have good days and bad. (Turns the briefcase towards the woman on his left.) Some days, I'm haunted by one word - why. Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations? Why am I still here? Well, I gotta run. (Gets up and leaves the meeting.) (George is shown standing on the street while the tape rolls inside the briefcase.) Cut back to the Foundation meeting.

WYCK...and the stock options for this year look quite, uh... (George returns and retrieves the briefcase.) GEORGE (apologetic): Briefcase. (Shrugs and exits.) New scene - Elaine and Kevin at the coffee shop.

ELAINESo, Kevin. If I don't want children, does that make me a bad humanitarian?

KEVINNot at all.

ELAINE'Cause, I mean, when you get to know me, you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian. (Waitress comes to the table and pours more coffee.) You are doing a wonderful job, by the way. Thanks a lot. (To Kevin) Right? Am I right? (Kramer walks by.) Kramer. Kramer! Come here, look at my new friend Kevin. (Kramer and Kevin shake hands.) Oh, you got a little, uh... KRAMER (wipes chocolate off his face): Oh, I just had two double-fudge sundaes.

ELAINEOh. Are you alright?

KRAMERYeah, I'll be okay.

ELAINEYou know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

KRAMERWell, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

ELAINEOh, no...that won't last.

KRAMERWhat do you mean?

ELAINEHe's not ga-ga. (Kramer suddenly looks elated and runs out.) New scene - George shows up at Jerry's apartment later that night with the briefcase.

GEORGELemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.

JERRYHow long did you leave it up there?

GEORGEFive minutes. What the hell happened here?

JERRYPlay the tape, maybe we'll get a clue.

GEORGEI have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright. <George plays back the tape. We hear a voice ask, "Did anyone notice George's fingernails?" Then a female voice answering, "Oh my, yes. They looked like they were eaten away by weavels." The male voice remarks, "It's warm in here. Open a window." Then, "Hey! What are you doing?" The female voice exclaims, "Dear God." There's a clunking sound on the tape, and the recording ends.>

JERRYIs that it?

GEORGEStopped dead.

JERRYWhat do you make of it?

GEORGEI don't know. (George sits down at the table. Kramer enters.)

KRAMERJerry. Uh, can we talk? GEORGE (to Kramer): Kinda busy here.

KRAMERI'd like to talk to Jerry in private.

GEORGEWhy can't I stay?

KRAMERBecause it doesn't concern you.

GEORGEWell, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)

JERRYSo, what's on your mind?

KRAMERIt's Pam.

JERRYPam? What about Pam?

KRAMERI love her, Jerry!

JERRYYou what?

KRAMERI love her!

JERRYIs that right?

KRAMEROh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.

JERRYWhat does that mean?

KRAMEROh, and that voice!

JERRYWhat about her name?

KRAMERPam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!

JERRYShe's got really nice hair.

KRAMEROh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.

JERRYYou've got really specific tastes.

KRAMEROh, I know what I want, Jerry.

JERRYShe's got nice calves.

KRAMEROh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...

JERRYMaybe I could, you're making some pretty good points.

KRAMERNo you can't, Jerry.

JERRYBut I might.

KRAMEROh, no you don't.

JERRYWhy not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?

KRAMERWhat...?

JERRYI think I can! I even like the name! Pam! KRAMER (frantic): Huh?

JERRYPam!

KRAMERHuh?

JERRYPam!

KRAMERHuh-yah! (Kramer loses it and runs out past George, who is still sitting in the hallway on a chair.) Commercial break. New scene - Kramer and Newman in Newman's apartment.

KRAMERSo now he wants her more than ever!

NEWMANBlast!

KRAMERWhat am I gonna do, huh?

NEWMANDon't despair, my friend. (Newman walks in front of Kramer and trips over his feet. Again.) I won't allow your love to go unrequited. Not like mine.

KRAMERWhat, again with you?

NEWMANSorry. But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.

KRAMERIf only I could say things like that around her. NEWMAN (getting an idea): Yes... New scene - Elaine and George at the coffee shop listening to the briefcase tape.

ELAINEWell, I hear three distinct sounds. A low rumple...followed by a metallic 'squink'...

GEORGEYes! Yes, I heard the 'squink'!

ELAINE...followed by a mysterious...'glonk.'

GEORGEIt's baffling, isn't it?

ELAINEWell, one question does come to mind. Have you considered just...asking them what happened to the briefcase?

GEORGEThey would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)

JERRYThat Pam! I am ga-ga over her!

ELAINEGa-ga? When did that happen?

JERRYYesterday. Six-ish.

ELAINEWell, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.

JERRYYou just met the guy yesterday.

ELAINEYeah, but we have a common goal.

JERRYA barren, sterile existence that ends when you die? ELAINE (happily): Yeah.

GEORGEAnd you really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids.

ELAINEYeah, of course.

JERRYElaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman.

ELAINEOh, please. He wouldn't say that.

GEORGEElaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, "Pardon my French."

JERRYI once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.

GEORGEI once told a woman that I really enjoy spending time with my family. New scene - Kramer and Newman in an aisle at the bookstore where Pam works.

NEWMANWith your looks and my words, we'll have built the perfect beast. (Kramer claps him on the shoulder, then goes to the other side of the aisle to talk to Pam.)

PAMOh, hi! Kramer. NEWMAN (whispers through the bookcase): Hi. How are you?

KRAMERHi. How are you?

PAMI'm great.

NEWMANI too am well.

KRAMERI too am well.

NEWMANDo I smell Pantene?

KRAMERDo I smell?

NEWMANPantene!

KRAMERUh, Pantene.

PAMOh, my shampoo. Yeah, it is Pantene, I got a free sample in with my junk mail. KRAMER (talks rapidly in an attempt to keep up with Newman): Well, there really is no junk-mail...well, everybody wants to get a check or a birthday card, but... NEWMAN (frantic): ...it takes just as much man-power to deliver it as their precious little greeting cards...

KRAMERNewman! (Elbows him through the books. Newman falls over.)

PAMWhat?

KRAMERUh, human. It's...human to be moved by a fragrance.

PAMThat's so true.

KRAMERHer bouquet cleaved his hardened...

NEWMANShell.

KRAMER...shell. And fondled his muscled heart. He embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.

PAMKramer, that is so lovely.

KRAMERIt's by an unknown 20th-century poet.

PAMOh, what's his name?

KRAMERNewman. (On the other side of the bookcase, Newman preens proudly.) New scene - Elaine and Kevin in Elaine's apartment.

KEVINElaine, you've changed my life.

ELAINEOh, Kevin...you can go on and on about how you don't want kids...and it sounds, it sounds really nice, but...the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.

KEVINI got a vasectomy this morning.

ELAINEAlthough, I have a hunch you mean it. New scene - Jerry talking with Pam at the bookstore.

JERRYI just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy.

PAMOh. Well, that's um...(clears her throat)...nice. (Jerry looks suspicious. Pam turns around and Jerry notices her tortoise clip has been replaced with a velvet scrunchie.)

JERRY's brainA velvet scrunchie!

JERRYKramer! New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He meets Newman coming out of Kramer's place.

JERRYHello, Newman.

NEWMANHello, Jerry. How's Pam?

JERRYPam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)

NEWMANWell, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)

JERRYWait a minute! <A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.>

JERRYAlright, Newman! This is it! (Shoves him against the wall.) NEWMAN (sweating): Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.

JERRYWhy not?

NEWMANBecause right now, I'm the only chance you've got. (Newman giggles nervously. Jerry makes Newman flinch, and his giggling is choked off.) JERRY (rolls his eyes): C'mon. (They exit.) New scene - Jerry and Newman in Newman's apartment.

JERRYI can't believe I'm losing Pam!

NEWMANI know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.

JERRYI thought we were talking about me.

NEWMANRight.

JERRYAnyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)

NEWMANOh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?

JERRYAlright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?

NEWMANWell, there is a little something you can do for me...

JERRYC'mon, out with it.

NEWMANIt's about...Elaine.

JERRYElaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...

NEWMANYou dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use! JERRY (shrugs): Well, I know she doesn't want to have kids. (Newman considers the implications of this.) Cut back to Elaine and Kevin at Elaine's apartment.

KEVINI thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.

ELAINEI know, I don't want...(clears her throat)...kids.

KEVINWhat was that?

ELAINEWell, Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt. I mean, nothing is a hundred percent.

KEVINThis is! Oh boy, I always do this.

ELAINEWhat?

KEVINOh, I get all jazzed up about something and I go way to far with it.

ELAINEReally?

KEVINOh, yeah. Like last summer. I'm watchin' TV and I saw one of those jet-skis. $4000 later and it's sitting in my garage.

ELAINEYou know, that's weird, actually, 'cause I'm sort of the same way. I mean once for like, no reason, I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time...

KEVINSometimes I think I do want kids. Maybe a lot of kids!

ELAINESometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.

KEVINYeah! I think I like short hair. Really short.

ELAINEYeah!

KEVINYeah! New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's kitchen. George has brought over a model of the conference room at the Foundation.

GEORGEThis is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.

JERRYWhen did you build this thing?

GEORGEYesterday, took the day off. (Picks up a red Power Ranger action figure from the model and pretends it's him.) Now, from the time I left the room... JERRY (points at the Power Ranger): Wait, that's you?

GEORGEYeah. JERRY (picks up a yellow M&M toy from the model): I really think the M&M should be you. GEORGE (grabs the M&M away from Jerry): Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.

JERRYAnd?

GEORGEOkay. That's what we know.

JERRYBut we already knew that.

GEORGEWell, yeah.

JERRYJust give me some idea of what you think it could be.

GEORGEI don't know if you're ready for it.

JERRYPlease.

GEORGEI believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -

JERRYHold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?

VOICE ON SPEAKERIt's Pam.

JERRYC'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'

GEORGEI'm not through here, Jerry. (Picks up the model of the conference room.) I'm gonna keep on investigating. This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks. (Pam enters, George leaves.)

PAMWhat was that?

JERRYWe were just playin.'

PAMListen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...

JERRYUh huh...

PAMWell, the thing is, I uh...I think I have a little crush on him. (Kramer slides in the door on his knees.)

KRAMERI'm so happy! My world suddenly has meaning! JERRY (to Pam): This is the man you have a crush on?

PAMWell, I have feelings for both of you.

KRAMERHow can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.

JERRYWhy can't I be a soul mate?

KRAMERJerry, you really think that Pam would want you to be the father of her children?

PAMChildren? Who said anything about children? I don't want to have children. (Jerry and Kramer look at each other, puzzled.) New scene - George back at the conference room at the Foundation.

GEORGEThere are some people in this room who would have been very happy to never see this briefcase again. There are people in this room who think they can destroy other people's property and get away with it. Well, let me tell you something about those people. They weren't counting on this brain! And this tape recorder.

WYCKGeorge...

GEORGEYou'll have your turn! The truth must be heard. (Plays back the tape.) That's all there was. And yet, it speaks volumes. A low rumple. A metallic 'squink.' A 'glonk.' Someone crying out..."Dear God!" Let's start with, uh...with you, Wyck.

WYCKGeorge, Quinn here was moving a chair...he lost his balance and dropped it...it must have fallen on your briefcase, which, for some reason, contained a running tape recorder?

GEORGEAlright, then. We've gotten to the bottom of that. New scene - Jerry and Newman in the office of Bernard Wendroff, M.D. - urologist. Elaine and Kevin enter. Elaine has cut her hair short.

ELAINEWhat are you guys doing here?

JERRYWe're getting vasectomies.

ELAINEWhy? NEWMAN (to Elaine): I'm doing it for you.

ELAINEWhat? JERRY (to Elaine): What'd you do to your hair?

ELAINEI cut it.

JERRYIt's a little short.

KEVINY'think? JERRY (to Kevin): What are you doing here?

ELAINEKevin's having his vasectomy reversed.

JERRY and NEWMANReversed?! <Kramer comes hobbling out of the doctors office in pain, after having a vasectomy of his own, and exits. Jerry and Newman look at each other, and bolt for the door themselves.> Commercial break. New scene - George reading the poem for Susan at the Foundation.

GEORGE...he embibed her glistening spell...just before the other shoe...fell.

WYCKIs that a Keats poem?

GEORGENo, it's a Newman. Well, I gotta run. (Smiles, pats his briefcase and exits.)

WYCKDoes anyone think George might have murdered Susan?

MR. CROSSOh, yeah. I just assumed he murdered her.

MS. BAINESOf course he killed her.

WYCKSo it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.

[END SHOW]