The Little Kicks

Jerry and Kramer walking down the street. Jerry is closest to the street.

KramerI wouldn't walk over there.

JerryWhy not?

KramerIt's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich.

JerryWhat about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time.

KramerI'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab.

JerryNo, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business.

KramerMuch rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79.

JerryYou were livin' in the village then, right?

KramerDon't really remember. Coffee shop, Jerry and Elaine

Elaine(Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.

JerryThat is disgusting.

ElaineYou know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.

JerryWell, then you're drivin' me wild.

ElaineI had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'.

Jerry(George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party?

ElaineI drive my people hard, and then I reward them.

JerryLike with dogs.

ElaineExactly.

GeorgeParty?

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeFood?

ElaineUh huh.

GeorgeBar?

ElaineYeah.

GeorgeGeorge?

JerryHe's gonna show up anyway.

ElaineGeorge, I just don't want you interfering.

GeorgeHow could I possibly interfere?

JerryIsn't that what Jack Ruby said? At Elaine's party...

George(Eating) Oh yeah. These are fantastic, fantastic. (To server) You know, I'd love to get a jump on the next batch, where do you come out? (Server leaves) (To Anna) She's been ignoring this section all night. Quesadilla?

AnnaNo thanks.

GeorgeMy name is George.

AnnaAnna. I don't recall seeing you around the office. Do you work in the mail room?

GeorgeNo, I'm a friend of Elaine Benes.

AnnaOh. Excuse me. (She leaves)

GeorgeSo...

ManHow 'bout leading us in a toast?

ElaineOh sure. Hey guys, I wanna make a toast. Um... Here's to us who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell... All right, who's dancin'? C'mon, who's dancin'? You want me to get it started? I'll get it started. Whew! (She dances)

GeorgeSweet Fancy Moses! Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters

KramerYou get the tickets?

JerryWho wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow.

KramerDeath Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?

JerryKramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these?

KramerYeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me. Kramer is eating ice cream right out of the container.

JerryYeah I guess I do owe you.

KramerUh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up?

JerryNo, I'm okay.

KramerThere's no problem, really.

JerryI'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party?

GeorgeFood was good.

JerrySo I didn't miss anything?

GeorgeWell, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

JerryElaine danced?

GeorgeIt was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.

JerryDid she do the little kicks and the thumbs?

GeorgeWhat, you mean you know about this?

JerryFor some time. It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.

GeorgeWell, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom.

JerryAnd by then you've lost interest.

GeorgeHey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO.

JerryWhat made him get that thing?

GeorgeDuring that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.

JerryNot a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)

KramerBrody's in.

JerryI don't even have the extra ticket yet.

KramerWell, you better get on the horn. Elaine's office, Elaine on the phone

ElaineI'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background)

JerryHow could that be?

ElaineJerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?

JerryNo, George was there, he said he had a great time.

ElaineOh, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.

JerryOh, what are you talkin' about?

ElaineHe's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.

JerryNow you're talkin' crazy!

ElaineAll right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it?

Jerry(Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'. Elaine's office, Anna enters

AnnaYou have a minute to approve some copy?

ElaineOh yeah, sure, sure. So, did ya have a good time at the party last night?

AnnaIt was a real... kick.

ElaineHey, did you happen to speak to my friend George?

AnnaAs a matter of fact I did.

ElaineAh hah. Well, listen. You would be wise to keep your distance from him.

AnnaWhy? He seems harmless.

ElaineOh he's not. He's very harmful.

AnnaReally?

ElaineOh trust me. He's a bad seed. He's a horrible seed. He's one of the worst seeds I've ever seen.

AnnaAnd you two are friends?

ElaineYeah, we're good friends. Coffee shop...

GeorgeSo this Anna called me from out of the blue.

JerryReally? I thought you were rebuffed.

GeorgeWith extreme prejudice.

JerryMaybe Elaine put in a good word for you.

GeorgeNo, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.

JerryInteresting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy.

GeorgeI'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.

JerryYou've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend...

GeorgeYes, yes...

JerryThe bad fianc‚, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk...

GeorgeOkay, the point is made.

JerryThe bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper! At the movies...

JerryHalf of show business is here.

KramerThere's Brody. Brody! Over here.

BrodyHey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket.

JerryThat's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there.

BrodyIt's for all of us. Is there a problem?

KramerBrody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.

JerryI'm a joke maker.

KramerAll right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera)

Jerry(To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing?

KramerRelax, he does that all the time.

JerryDoes what?

KramerHe's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, huh?

JerryMay I see you outside for a moment please?

KramerBut I want to--

JerryOutside! Elaine's office

ElaineHey, have you seen Anna?

WorkerUh, she just went to meet your friend George.

ElaineTo meet George? I knew it. Where did they go?

WorkerThe park, why?

ElaineDon't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too! Outside the theater at the movies.

JerryWhat do you mean he's bootlegging the movie?

KramerWell, it's a perfectly legitimate business.

JerryIt's not legitimate.

KramerIt's a business.

JerryWhere did you meet this guy?

KramerHe's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pinochle--

JerryKramer. (boom sound)

KramerMan, we're missin' the Death Blow!

JerryI don't believe this. (They run into theater) Anna and George in the park.

AnnaYou know I'm not supposed to be talking to you.

GeorgeNo one's putting a gun to your head. Do I, uh, scare you?

AnnaNo... a little. Nice car.

GeorgeYeah, she's a sweet ride.

AnnaIs that your orthopedic back pillow?

GeorgeMaybe.

AnnaWell is it or isn't it?

GeorgeGuess not. Elaine arrives.

Elaine(To George) Stay away from her.

GeorgeI didn't do nothin'.

Elaine(To Anna) Get in the car.

AnnaBut...

ElaineYou heard me young lady, get in the car. (To George) And you, you should know better. I don't want you infecting my staff.

GeorgeLighten up. As they leave George points and winks at Anna. Death Blow...

KramerGo get 'em, Death Blow! (To Brody) You okay?

BrodyUh, I got a cramp.

KramerWell, it's no wonder. You ate that entire bag of candy.

BrodyUh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home.

JerryHey, what is going on over there?

BrodyJerry, finish shooting the movie for me.

JerryAre you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing.

KramerJerry, if the man is in pain...

JerryYeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right.

Brody(pulls out a gun) What are you some kind of tough guy?

KramerOkay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera.

JerryAll right, I'm takin' the camera.

Kramer(To Brody) C'mon, let's go.

JerryOh man... Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.

KramerHey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?

JerryHow was the rest of Death Blow?

KramerYeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had it comin' to him!

JerryKramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!

KramerHe's quite a character, isn't he?

JerryYou know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind! Buzzer

KramerI got it. Yep.

BrodyBrody.

KramerCome on up. It's Brody.

JerryWhat are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again.

KramerJerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.

JerryWhat if I didn't do it right?

KramerIt's your first time. He'll understand.

JerryPeople with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings. Brody enters

KramerHey, Brody!

JerryHi.

BrodyJerry, I have to talk to you about the tape.

JerryYeah.

BrodyI've never seen such beautiful work. You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the framing. I was enchanted.

JerryWell, I did the best I could.

BrodyI got another project for you. It's a movie called Cry Cry Again. I was gonna give it to one of my other guys, but it's an arty movie and quite frankly, they don't have the sensibility. Brody's beeper sounds

BrodyMay I use your phone?

KramerUh yeah. It's under the couch. Brody exits to Kramer's apartment.

KramerLook at you! You've got another gig!

JerryI don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this.

KramerBut you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.

JerryWe're talkin' federal crime here. Brody enters.

Brody(To Jerry) I'll expect that tape by three o'clock tomorrow. (To Kramer) May I borrow this? (Holding baseball bat)

KramerSure, do you need a glove?

BrodyNah. A meeting at Elaine's office

WorkerI pressed through the rushes and there, the native dancers whirled before me: limbs flailing, arms akimbo, feet kicking up dust... (All workers laugh)

ElaineWhat? Anna enters with Yankee jacket on.

AnnaSorry, I got hung up.

ElaineAt Yankee Stadium?

AnnaThis? It's mine.

ElaineOh really? 'Cause it looks a little big for you. It looks like something a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man might wear.

AnnaHe's not stocky. Elaine turns around. A paper airplane is thrown at her.

ElaineWho did that? Who did that?!? Cry, Cry Again, Kramer is bootlegging.

Kramer(laughing) The French guy fell off the bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn) Jerry's apartment watching the tape.

JerryNo, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this?

KramerThat's fine.

JerryDo you even know what this scene is about?

KramerIt's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.

JerryNo, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.

(Gesturing taking a loaf of bread.)

KramerWha? Where?

JerryKramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.

KramerNah, he's not going to know the difference.

JerryI don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted.

KramerSo you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot)

JerryI have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers?

KramerRight here. (Elaine enters)

ElaineWell, I have lost complete control of my staff. Why did I let George go to that party? I mean, we were having so much fun. We were wining, we were dining, we were dancing. (She starts dancing, Kramer flips out) What?

Kramer(He shows her) This umpf thing.

ElaineIt's dancing.

KramerNo, no. That ain't dancing, Sally.

ElaineI dance fine.

KramerYou stink. (He exits)

ElaineHe doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right?

JerryI forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away)

ElaineJerry, do I stink?

JerryAll right, you're beyond stink.

ElaineBut I really enjoy dancing.

JerryAnd that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George.

ElaineIt's that bad?

JerryHave you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back.

(Elaine sees video camera)

Elaine and Anna sitting in Elaine's office.

VoiceI have George Costanza still holding.

ElaineGeorge, hi. I have Anna here. There's something I wanna say to both of you.

GeorgeYo, Anna.

AnnaHi, George. What're you up to?

George(Ironing) You don't wanna know.

ElaineUh, well, listen. I feel really horrible about trying to keep you two apart and I just wanted to apologize.

GeorgeWhat're you talkin' about?

ElaineWell, George, I just want you to hear me say to Anna that you're a good and decent person.

GeorgePick up the phone, Elaine. Pick it up!

ElaineI never should have given Anna the impression--

GeorgePick it up, pick it up!

Elaine--that you're a bad seed, I mean, you're a fine seed.

GeorgeElaine, get off the speaker! (Elaine picks up phone)

ElaineWhat?

GeorgeYou are ruinin' everything.

ElaineI'm trying to help. Why are you being so difficult?

GeorgeYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. More of that, difficult. I'm a difficult seed.

ElaineGeorge, I don't have time for this. Uh, Anna, do you wanna talk to George?

AnnaUm, no, I don't think so.

ElaineNo, she doesn't want to. Okay, bye, George. We'll see ya.

GeorgeI'm a bad man! Jerry and Kramer exit the theater and see Brody.

BrodySo where's the tape?

JerryNo, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location.

BrodyI need the tape.

JerryYou'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em.

BrodyAre you out of your mind?

JerryKramer...

KramerI know, Jerry. It's okay. (Jerry steps aside) Yeah, look, Brody. Uh, Jerry wants to do the bootleg. He's dyin' to do it. But if you don't make him happy, the work suffers. And then, nobody's happy.

BrodyJust shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!

JerryAll right. That's it, I can't work like this.

KramerJerry...

JerryI'm off the project. (He exits)

KramerJerry!

BrodyI want the tape.

KramerYeah. Jerry and George at Monk's.

GeorgeWell, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that?

JerryThey think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.

GeorgeAnna actually has respect for me now. It's all over.

JerryEh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)

KramerListen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane!

JerryKramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous...

GeorgeDid you say dangerous? Anna and George in George's car.

GeorgeI'm a bootlegger.

AnnaYou're a what?

GeorgeI'm bootleggin' a movie, baby!

AnnaIsn't that illegal?

GeorgeI can do hard time for this one. And community service!

AnnaIs this your FiberCon?

George(Takes it and throws it out window) Get outta my way! Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.

KramerJerry, George got arrested.

JerryWhat?

KramerYeah. He went at the Beekman, he tried to land, but they cheesed him.

JerryOh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.

BrodyBrody, I'm comin' up.

JerryWhat're we gonna do?

KramerWell, I gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot?

JerryI think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!

KramerJerry, she taped over the whole ending! (Brody enters)

BrodyWhere's the tape?

JerryUh, well. It, uh...

BrodyIs that it?

KramerUh, yeah, yeah. Here it is, Brody. One copy of Cry Cry Again.

BrodyHow'd it turn out? Kramer + Jerry: Uh... great.

KramerAlthough the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there.

JerryYeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured.

KramerYeah, it's a disturbing image.

JerryYeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancer, you cry again. Police station, Anna and George sitting down.

Anna(George is crying) It's all right, George. You'll just pay a fine and that'll be it.

GeorgeWhy did the policeman have to yell at me like that? (Elaine enters)

ElaineAnna...

AnnaOh, Elaine, thanks for picking me up. I can explain everything.

ElaineAll right. Well, we'll talk about it tomorrow at the office. (Mr. Costanza enters)

FrankOkay, where's my boy?

GeorgeOh my God.

FrankI'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? (He hits George in the head)

GeorgeOw! Dad...

FrankWho put you up to this, was it her?

ElaineAll right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.

FrankMy George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

ElaineYou got that right.

FrankWhat the hell does that mean?

ElaineIt means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

FrankYou sayin' you want a piece of me?

ElaineI could drop you like a bag of dirt.

FrankYou wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight) Jerry and Elaine walking down the street.

JerryBut he's an old man, Elaine.

ElaineWell, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.

Jerry(Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot.

ElaineOh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.

JerryNo you don't.

ManYou shot Death Blow?

JerryYeah.

ManThat was brilliant.

JerryThank you. (They continue walking)

ElaineYou were big.

JerryI'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal?

ElaineYeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.

JerryI wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go)

[END SHOW]