Jerry tries to return a stereo to a store using a mail fraud scheme with Kramer. Elaine thinks her doctor has written something terrible in her file. George tries to take a sexy photo of himself.
Elaine at the doctor's
AttendantThe doctor will be with you in a moment . Elaine looking at her chart
ElaineDifficult ?
DoctorElaine . You shouldn't be reading that . So tell me about this rash of yours .
ElaineWell it's , it's ..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly . You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on . You know there made of paper .
DoctorWell that was a long time ago . How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash ......
ElaineBut it was in pen . You fake erase .
DoctorAll right Miss Benes . This doesn't look to serious . You'll be fine .
ElaineWhat are you writing ? Doctor . George at Photo Shop
SheilaHere you go .
GeorgeThanks .
SheilaI hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt .
GeorgeOhhhhhh Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment
JerryNo . All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver .
GeorgeSmile
JerryWhat are you doing ?
GeorgeI meet this women , Sheila . She works down at the one hour photo pace . She's got this incredible smile . Like she's got extra teeth or something
JerryExtra teeth . I love that look .
GeorgeHey check this out . I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt ."
JerryWhat mustard stain ?
GeorgeDon't you see . She's looking at my pictures .
JerryWhy did you take a picture of a mustard stain ?
GeorgeThat's got nothing to do with it .
JerryI see . She's looking .
GeorgeYesssss .
KramerHey , you got to get this thing fixed .
JerryThey've tried to fix it . But it keeps coming back the same .
KramerWould you like a refund ?
JerryWell I can't the warranty expired two years ago .
KramerWould you be interested ?
JerryWell how are you going .....
KramerWould you ?
JerryI guess I would .
KramerYeah , yeah . Elaine walks in
ElaineYou are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today .
JerryNot the gown again .
ElaineNo , no . I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult . Why would they write that ?
JerryThey have gotten to know you . Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo
ElaineThen the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash .
GeorgeWhy don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult .
ElaineOh come on . I'm not difficult . I'm easy .
JerryWhy because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys .
ElaineListen to me you little shi........
GeorgeSmile . Elaine at another doctor's office
DoctorWell Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown .
ElaineOh it's my pleasure . I love these . In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on . Nurse hands the doctor her chart
DoctorAll rightly . Let me just review your history before we begin .
ElaineWhere did you get my chart ?
DoctorFrom your last doctor . It's a standard procedure .
ElaineYou know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just .......
DoctorOkay . Let's take a look . Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine .
ElainePlease , please . It's really , really itchy . Doctor writes more stuff in her chart Jerry at apartment Knock , knock
Postal WorkerSeinfeld ?
JerryYeah .
Postal WorkerI got a package for you . Sign here .
JerryWho's it from ?
Postal WorkerNo return address .
JerryWhat if I don't want it ?
Postal WorkerAre you refusing delivery ?
JerryMaybe I am .
Postal WorkerWhy would you do that ?
JerryI've never done it before .
Postal WorkerWhy start now ?
JerryWhy not ?
Postal WorkerAll right . George walks in
GeorgeWhy did you refuse the package . Everybody loves a package .
JerryI don't know it was weird . Crazy printing . I don't know who it was from .
GeorgeWhat do you think it's a bomb ?
JerryIt's not totally impossible .
GeorgeOh the ego on you .
JerryWhy can't I be bombable ?
GeorgeWho's going to bomb you . An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes .
JerryI suppose you think your bombable .
GeorgeHey . There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way .
JerryThere's more than a couple .
GeorgeHey . Check these out . I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these .
JerryYou don't have a Mercedes .
GeorgeI know . I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine .
JerryThe driver seems a little put out .
GeorgeNo . He was fine with it . Check that out .
JerryIs that Burt Reynolds ?
GeorgeWax Museum .
JerryOh.
GeorgeOh . What is this ?
JerryThat's a lot of skin .
GeorgeThis must be Sheila from the photo place .
JerryYou can barely see her face .
GeorgeShe must have slipped it in here . Kramer walks in
KramerI I I
GeorgePhoto store Sheila .
KramerWell hello Photo store Sheila .
GeorgeAll right . I will see you boys later .
JerryWhere are you going ?
GeorgeTo ask her out .
KramerNo , no . Your not playing the game .
GeorgeWhat game ?
KramerShe goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture . Would you like to go out on a date with me please . "
GeorgeNo good ?
KramerGeorge . It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the dance . She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back .
GeorgeOh , I don't know .
KramerWell as you know I've always been something of a photog .
JerryOh yeah I like this idea . Outside Uncle Leo's apartment
Uncle LeoHey Danny . Hello . How are you ?
Postal Worker DannyHey Leo . Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package .
Uncle LeoOh He wants it . He's just trying to be funny . Yeah I'll sign it . George and Elaine in taxi
ElaineAnd then he starts writing on my chart .
GeorgeWell why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like .
ElaineYou can't change your chart . It's your chart .
GeorgeI am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time .
ElaineYou are !?!
GeorgeHey . I've kept the same job for more than two years . It's not luck . Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ?
ElaineYeah . I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card .
GeorgeOh yeah the nipple . But besides that . How did you feel about Kramer's work ?
ElaineActually I thought he was very professional .
GeorgeSo it was a good experience .
ElaineOh yeah . In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID .
GeorgeNice .
ElaineYeah it is nice actually . Elaine at another doctors
ElaineI need to see Dr. Burke right away . This rash is spreading.
AttendantHe can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy .
ElaineOh come on . Have some compassion . Okay well I hope it's contagious Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck . Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator
ElaineCome on . Move . Oh hi Dr. Burke . I didn't know if uh....
Dr. BurkeThe chart Miss Benes .
ElaineOh please no more . The doctor writes more stuff in it Jerry at his apartment George walks in
JerryHey
GeorgeWhere's Kramer ?
JerryHe went to get some steak sauce . Why ?
GeorgePersonal matter . Phone rings
JerryHello
Uncle LeoJerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello !
JerryHello Leo . You don't have to yell .
Uncle LeoI got your package .
JerryHow did you get my package ?
Uncle LeoWhat should I do with it ?
JerryI don't know what you should do with it .
GeorgeTell him to open it .
JerryI am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.
Uncle LeoJerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The Macardo . I want you to go see it with me .
JerryOpen the package Leo .
Uncle LeoOkay . Opening .
JerryOpening . BOOM !!! Elaine and Jerry at apartment
ElaineSo it wasn't a bomb .
JerryNo , No bomb .
ElaineWell then what ?
JerryOh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners . He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on . The whole thing blew up .
ElaineBut he's okay ?
JerryYeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything . He's all smooth now . Look's like a seal . Elaine on phone
ElaineYeah I am still holding . Jerry opens his package
JerryIs this my stereo ? Kramer walks in
KramerHey you got it .
JerryWhat happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up .
KramerThat's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400 .
JerryBut you were supposed to get me a refund .
KramerYou can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago .
JerrySo were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?
KramerIt's just a write off for them .
JerryHow is it a write off ?
KramerThey just write it off .
JerryWrite it off what ?
KramerJerry all these big companies they write off everything
JerryYou don't even know what a write off is .
KramerDo you ?
JerryNo . I don't .
KramerBut they do and they are the ones writing it off .
JerryI wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back . Elaine still on phone
ElaineWhat ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come on . I am dying here man . Hello , hello .
JerryStill no luck Kramer leaves with a fan
ElaineJerry I am at doctor Zimmerman . I am at the end of the alphabet .
JerryThere's no Zorn or Zoutraph .
ElaineThere on vacation . Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .
JerryHey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .
ElaineDr. Resnick . He's not listed .
JerryHe's not that good . Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment
GeorgeElaine said your pretty good at this stuff .
KramerOh yeah . Elaine was a fun project . I enjoyed working with her .
GeorgeYou don't have your own camera .
KramerUh no . Look at this . Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing .
GeorgeI feel fat .
KramerNo, no . You're stoked . The camera loves stokedness . Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . The key word is tasteful . Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy . All right let's do it . Okay come on . Feel the beat . Feel the beat . You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt .
GeorgeWell do you want me to take it off ?
KramerI don't know it's up to you .
GeorgeDo you think it would be better if I did ?
KramerIt might be . I mean whatever you want .
GeorgeALL RIGHT !! Kramer ; That's it George . Come on , come on . Give it to me . Come on ,work it . Work it . Yeah be a man , be a man . Jerry leaving apartment
KramerYou are a lover boy !!
JerryOh yeah . This can't miss . Elaine sleeping in bed Phone rings
ElaineHello .
GuyIs this Elaine Marie Benes ?
ElaineYes . Who it this ?
GuyWe are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s .
ElaineYeah . What is this all about
GuyGood bye .
ElaineHello , hello .
GuyWhat ?
ElaineOh uh uh ...
GuyGet off the line . Were trying to make another call . Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office
Uncle LeoElaine . Hello . What are you doing here ?
ElaineLeo . Has the doctor been in yet ?
Uncle LeoNo . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows .
ElaineOkay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes in let me do the talking . Okay . Dr. Resnick walks in
Dr. ResnickLeo . I heard you had a little mishap .
Uncle LeoIt was a fireball .
ElaineI should have never left him alone .
Dr. ResnickAnd who are you ?
ElaineI am his nurse ... Poloma .
Uncle LeoYou're not my nurse .
ElaineHe has good days and bad .
Dr. ResnickWhat seems to be the problem ?
Uncle LeoAre my eyebrows going to grow back ?
ElaineAnd he's has a bit of a rash .
Dr. ResnickReally .
ElaineYeah .
Dr. ResnickWell there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment .
ElaineI don't like this , it is to easy .
Uncle LeoElaine ...
ElaineShut up ! I think he's on to us .
Uncle LeoElaine what about my eyebrows ?
ElaineShhhhhh . Here . Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him Kramer and Jerry at Post Office
JerryI don't like this Kramer . Will it be much longer ?
AttendantI am sorry . It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation .
JerryInvestigation ?
NewmanHello Jerry .
JerryHello Newman .
NewmanKramer you might as well run along . Jerry might be a while . Suspicion of mail fraud .
KramerMail fraud . Your in a lot of trouble buddy . Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office
Dr. ResnickI got your ointment . Where's your nurse ?
Uncle LeoShe left .
Dr. ResnickNo need to get angry . Calm down .
Uncle LeoI am calm .
Dr. ResnickLeo I don't care for your demeanor .
Uncle LeoDemeanor ?
Dr. ResnickNow your just being difficult .
Uncle LeoWhat are you writing ? George at photo store
GeorgeSo I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday .
SheilaI am glad George .
GeorgeAnd here's a roll that I think you may enjoy .
SheilaGreat .
GeorgeShall we say an hour . George leaves
SheilaHey Ron I got to go to lunch . Can you do a roll ?
RonNo problem .
SheilaBy the way . You know that model that is always in here . She's missing one of her lingerie shots . Have you seen it ?
RonNo . Jerry and Newman at the Post Office
NewmanAll right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping .
JerryDefine rarely .
NewmanFrequently .
JerryAre we about throw here Newman ?
NewmanIt's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot .
JerryActually I am quite comfortable .
NewmanCan I have a sip ?
JerryNo .
NewmanNot going to play ball . Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all ready busted .
JerryYou can't prove anything .
NewmanIs this or is this not your signature ?
JerryNo in a matter of fact it isn't .
NewmanUncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence . Jerry . Kramer and Elaine at doctor's
ElaineGet in there . Get chart . Get out . You got it .
KramerYeah let me borrow your scarf .
ElaineThis .
KramerYeah . All right one chart coming up .
ElaineOkay .
KramerBennette right ?
ElaineBenes . My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah . Newman walking down the street
NewmanJerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry . Kramer at doctor's
KramerI like what you've done with that .
AttendantMay I help you ?
KramerYes , yes . I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic . I need Elaine Benes chart . She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very bad very messy .
AttendantI see and what clinic is that again ?
KramerThat's correct .
AttendantExcuse me .
KramerFrom The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium .
AttendantReally ?
KramerThe Netherlands ?
ElaineWhere's my chart ? Did you get it ?
KramerNo .
ElaineWhat ? What happened ?
KramerI don't know . But now they got a chart on me . George at photo store
SheilaI don't know where they could be .
GeorgeCan't find them . That's marvelous . The dance continues.
SheilaWell if I find them I'll call you .
GeorgeAnd maybe we could go out and do something .
SheilaSure .
RonHello .
GeorgeHi . George leaves
SheilaSo the little guy finally asked me out .
RonReally ?
SheilaHey I can't find his photo's anywhere .
RonOh you know what happened . Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them . He left his card .
SheilaNewman ? George and Jerry at Post Office
GeorgeI don't know what Newman wanted to see me for . Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen . I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out .
JerryI'm clean and you know it .
NewmanClean ? Hardly . This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance .
JerryWhere did you get that ?
GeorgeI think that's one of mine .
NewmanIt looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam.
JerryI don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation .
NewmanYes . It's called mail fraud . Oohhhh . How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld . The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are . A monster so vile .....
GuyNEWMAN !!
NewmanThere will be a small fine .
JerryOkay .
GeorgeCan we go now ?
NewmanNot so fast pretty boy . There is more to this sorted little affair .
JerryOh my god !!
NewmanThis photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring .As does this one found in the same disturbing packet . Newman holds up a picture of Ron
GeorgeOH MY GOD !!!
NewmanWe have some questions we'd like you to answer .
JerryI have some questions of my own . Sheila walks in
SheilaHi . One of your mailmen ....... Oh my god , George !?!
GeorgeListen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong person . He said the key word was tasteful .
JerryThe timeless art of seduction .
GeorgeSHEILA !!!
[END SHOW]