George installs a sleeping space under his Yankee Stadium desk. Jerry’s kitchen is renovated against his wishes. Kramer swims in the East River. Elaine dates a man who won’t sit in a chair.
[Monks]
GEORGEOh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy.
JERRYThat's good stuff.
GEORGEI can't to myself. I'm exhausted.
JERRYCan you grab a nap at work.
GEORGENot with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya'.
ELAINEBye.
JERRYSo what are you doing now?
ELAINEI'm going to take a little stroll through the park.
JERRYWith a gentleman caller?
ELAINEYes, his name is Hal.
JERRYThe walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person.
ELAINEIt's the next best thing to being alone.
[Kramer enters - wet head]
JERRYShower?
KRAMERNo, pool. I just swam 200 laps.
ELAINEYou are kidding.
KRAMERLook at hose babies [hands]. They're prunes. I saw Conrad going up to oyur place.
ELAINEOh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming?
JERRYA little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.
ELAINEHey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen right?
ELAINEWhat exactly was that kid?
KRAMERWho, Damien? Nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.
[Yankee Stadium]
WILHELMOh, George, have you seen the American league directory? It is a big green book. Oh, thanks kiddo.
[Central park]
HAL:
ELAINEWell I don't care. It was delicious.
ELAINEWanna sit down?
HALOh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back.
ELAINEReally?
HALI threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
ELAINEOh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back in ", or "Good Vertibrations".
HALNot this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
[Jerry's Apartment]
CONRADOh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?
JERRYYeah.
CONRADI can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.
JERRYYou know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?
CONRADOh, these are different.
JERRYDrop one. . . . left!
[George enters]
GEORGEJerry, look at my eyes.
JERRYA little less beady today.
GEORGEBecause I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.
JERRYSounds like a really cool fort.
CONRADJerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it?
JERRYI'll tell you what I would like you to do with it.
GEORGEConrad, is it?
CONRADConrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer.
GEORGEUh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom?
JERRYHe's kind of tied up here.
GEORGEIt'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you?
CONRADThere is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . .
JERRYWhy don't you just work on George's project for a while?
CONRADWhatever you want.
[Next day - on the telephone]
JERRYSo how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal.
ELAINEUh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair?
JERRYI don't know.
ELAINEUh, maybe we'll just stand and watch the tv. [knock knock]. I gotta go someone's at my door. Yeah!
DELIVERY GUYDelivery. Elaine Benes?
ELAINEYeah.
DELIVERY GUYWe're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress.
ELAINEMattress, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this? Hal Kitzmiller?
[Yankee Stadium]
GEORGEDo you think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh, for an alarm clock?
CONRADYou mean like that big?
GEORGELike this.
CONRADYeah, I can do that.
GEORGEThanks. You know this could sound crazy but, what do you think about adding a drawer for - like a blanket?
CONRADBlanket or quilt?
GEORGEBlanket.
CONRADThat thick?
GEORGEMaybe like this.
CONRADLike that?
GEORGEYeah, like that.
CONRADIf that is what you want.
GEORGEThat is what I want.
[Later]
CONRADHey George, you want this cup holder mounted on the left, or the right, or the middle, . . .
GEORGEWhatever!!. . . . Oh oh oh this is unbelievable. This is better than my bed at home.
GEORGEIts been a long night. You go home and get some sleep.
CONRADIf that's what you want.
GEORGEThat's what I want.
WMorning George.
GEORGEGood morning Mr. Wilhelm.
[George escapes under his desk]
KRAMERgot problems Jerry.
JERRYWhat happened?
KRAMERWell I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine.
JERRYHow long did that last?
KRAMERA half hour then diving class started. Well… that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry.
[Elaine enters]
JERRYHow was the movie?
ELAINEI cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy.
JERRYWhy?
ELAINEHe's got a back problem.
JERRYSo you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.
ELAINEAfter one date!
KRAMERWhat's that guy's last name again?
ELAINEKitzmiller.
KRAMEROh, that's right.
JERRYSo what are you going to do with the mattress?
ELAINEI don't know. Chuck it?
KRAMEROh, no no no no I'll take it. Why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.
ELAINEOh, all right.
KRAMERMy old one sprung a leak.
ELAINEYou have a water bed?
KRAMERSand! It's like sleeping on the beach.
[CONRAD: enters]
CONRADHi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways.
JERRYHow about this? . . . Finish this thing up today!
CONRADCouple of questions for you.
JERRYNo. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.
CONRADAll right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want.
JERRYJust . . . do it.
[Jerry exits]
[George's office]
STEINBRENNERCostanza? Where's Costanza? . . . Excus mois? Have you seen Costanza?
SecretaryI've seen him around.
STEINBRENNERUm, I'm stuck on this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know the name of that. "She's a heart breaker, love taker . . ..Oh. Oh" . . .very catchy. You know what? I can't stay awake for that guy. What is this? People? Um, the most beautiful people people. Ally Selica, Nothing wrong with that uh?
[Monks]
HALElaine, your taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what Ii intended.
ELAINEWell, what did you intend, Hal?
HALI just wanted you to have the comfort and report you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.
ELAINECustom designed?
HALThey adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. Five eight, about 110 pounds?
ELAINEUh, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
HALSo you do like the mattress?
ELAINEOh, I love it. I'm glad . . . I kept it.
[East River]
FATHEROver there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
SONHey, there's a man swimming in the water.
FATHERNaw, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they through the body in the river.
[Jerry's hall]
KRAMERJer.
JERRYHi.
KRAMERWell my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.
JERRYWhat is that smell?
KRAMERThat's East River.
JERRYYou're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
KRAMERTechnically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.
JERRYHow could you swim in that water?
KRAMERI saw a couple of other guys out there.
JERRYSwimming?
KRAMERFloating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.
[Jerry's apartment]
Jerry looks around the new renovation.
[Elaine's]
ELAINE(on phone) Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine, thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you - whenever. All right, bye.
ELAINEOh, this is a good mattress. Sniff, sniff, Ugh!
[George's Office]
STEINBRENNERWhat is it with this guy? I've been waiting three and a half hours. Should I go? No way Jack! (But I'm not going to hum it to the guy at the record store again), I'll tell you that.
SeConradMr. Steinbrenner?
STEINBRENNERThat's what they call me.
SeConradYour grandchildren are here to see you.
STEINBRENNEROh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in. … little people .. pony express … wow,
[Jerry's]
Jerry(on phone) hello.
GEORGEJerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help[ me.
JERRYWho is this?
GEORGEJerry, . . .
XXHi,
GEORGESh, sh, goodbye, sh, get away.
XXHi, I'm Brady.
GEORGE?? get away??
JERRYWhy don't you just have him paged?
GEORGECan't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.
JERRYA bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
GEORGEJust CALL!
JERRYI should have some reason.
STEINBRENNERHey you kids know tunes; see if this song rinSTEINBRENNER a bell, "Heartbreaker , . . . "
SeConradMr. Steinbrenner we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.
STEINBRENNERA bomb in the building, oh, m'god. Quick, everyone under the desk.
[Steinbrenner's office]
STEINBRENNERBoy can you think of what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies.
GEORGEI'm sorry sir.
STEINBRENNERYou know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.
GEORGEWhat?
STEINBRENNER???? about that bomb. You climbed under that desk because you have ESP. George, what's on my mind? . . . Meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. Anyway this terrorist had a specific demand. Not more cheap adjustable hats on hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.
[Jerry's new renovated apartment]
ELAINEJerry, Jerry.
JERRYYeah.
ELAINEWhat the hell is this? Where are you?
JERRYOver here. You can see right through here.
ELAINEWhat is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.
JERRYIt's kind of cozy.
ELAINEHey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.
JERRYDoes it smell like the East River?
ELAINEHow did you know?
JERRYBecause Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
ELAINEOh, GREAT!
[Kramer enters]
KRAMEROh man, I'm on the wrong floor again.
ELAINEHey, thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.
KRAMERHey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.
[George enters]
GEORGEWell, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld. . . . What the hell happened here?
ELAINEHi.
GEORGEHi. Look at how obtrusive this is.
ELAINEIt is obtrusive, isn't it?
KRAMERIt is very obtrusive.
JERRYI don't think it's that bad.
KRAMERYou can't get a stool in here.
JERRYNo the stools go over there.
KRAMERNo, that's no good. I'm leaving.
ELAINEI'm with you. I'm going back to my place.
GEORGEFitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?
JERRYYou mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.
GEORGEGuess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me.
JERRYHey look at you.
GEORGEYeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.
JERRYNo knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.
GEORGE??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.
JERRYCould you at least get a hat for me?
GEORGEFINE? WHAT SIZE?
JERRYSeven and five eighths
GEORGESEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!
JERRYWhy are you shouting?
GEORGEI DON'T KNOW. It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here.
[Elaine's]
HALSo are you liking the mattress?
ELAINEI am totally loving it. Uh, you know … we should um … get going.
HALWhat is that smell?
ELAINEWhat smell?
HALI think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it.
ELAINENo no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.
HALClaming?
ELAINEYeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.
[Steinbrenner's office]
STEINBRENNERYes, yes, come in.
GEORGESir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here.
STEINBRENNERJust let me ask you something. Is it "February" or " February"? Because I prefer "Febuary" and what is this "ru"?
[phone rinSTEINBRENNER]
GEORGELet me put that on speaker phone.
STEINBRENNERHello are you the bomber?
JERRYYes this is the terrorist bomber.
STEINBRENNERCostanza here is busting his ass on those hats.
JERRYthink I've changed my mind.
STEINBRENNERYou don't want them, then goodbye.
GEORGEGood thinking, sir.
STEINBRENNERWell what do you want instead?
JERRYWhat?
STEINBRENNERWell, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something.
JERRYI guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.
STEINBRENNERAll right George, you can handle that.
[George hangs up phone]
STEINBRENNERCostanza what the hell are you doing?
GEORGEYou have to stand tough sir. That's why I had to hang up the phone.
STEINBRENNERWhen someone's unstable, you don't stir the fat, George! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm going, pal. And I'll tell you something else. I'm very nervous.
[On the street]
ELAINEGotta get some of that stuffed crust pizza. cheese crust pizza.
HALIt's just more cheese.
ELAINEI'll tell you something. It'll be years before they find places to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer!
KRAMEROh, hey,
ELAINEOh, hi. This is Hal. Hal, this is Kramer. Kramer, Hal.
KRAMERHal, .. uh Langerhans.
HALKitzmiller.
KRAMEROh, Kitzmiller. That's right
ELAINEYou feeling jiff?
KRAMEROh, I'm jiff.
HALThat smell…
KRAMEROh, listen I gotta get to the pier. The ferry traffic is really bad around four thirty. Look, I still got the key to your apartment and I'll get it back to you as soon as I can.
ELAINEOh, baby.
[Under George's desk]
[alarm clock]
GEORGELunch.
[At the river]
HALKramer? Can I talk to you a minute?
KRAMERYeah, sure, um, oh boy, . . .
HALKitzmiller.
KRAMERThat's it.
HALYou and Elaine are pretty close.
KRAMEROh, we go back a ways.
HALAnd you've, . . . how do I put this? You've been in her bed?
KRAMERThat's right.
HALBut this isn't still going on.
KRAMERNo, no. She put a stop to that.
HALThat's all I needed to know. So you actually swim in this thing?
KRAMEROh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back.
HALGreat for the back. Right.
KRAMERFour hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller. . . . Giddyup. {George's office]]
STEINBRENNER"Heatbreaker, Brewbaker, …" Hey George, I remember that tune. George? George? Um, what's that ticking. Oh oh. Oh, oooh,…wo wo wo wo . [runs out] fire in the hole!
[Elaine's]
ELAINEI wouldn't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ug, oh, okay, . . .
[Jerry's]
CONRADYou want it back the way it was?
JERRYYeah, that's right.
CONRADYou know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision.
[phone rinSTEINBRENNER]
JERRYOne second. Hello.
ELAINEJerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out.
JERRYJust lie down.
ELAINEI am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.
JERRYAll right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go.
CONRADStay, go whatever.
[At the river, Hall and more people]
HALHey, Kramer.
KRAMERWhat's going on?
HALI told my Chiropractor how swimming in the river made my back heal. He recommended it to all his patients.
OLD MANStep aside.
KRAMERHe just sunk like a stone.
[Steinbrenner's office]
GEORGESir, I'm sure it's not a police matter.
STEINBRENNERDon't be so sure George. Mess with them and they're messing with you. All right boys send it in
[bomb disposal robot enters George's office]
STEINBRENNERWhat's that figure ahead? Is that anything? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. Search each one of those drawers starting with the top one. So, empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?
BOMB COPLooks like there's more compartments underneath.
STEINBRENNERCompartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip. I'll tell you what George. Starting tomorrow no more desks. Just Lucite tables and four leSTEINBRENNER.
[East River]
KRAMERHey, watch where you're kicking!
ELAINEKramer.
KRAMERElaine
ELAINEI can't believe it. Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.
KRAMERYeah.
ELAINEYeah.
[Jerry's]
GEORGEHi Connie, Jerry around?
CONRADNo, and I prefer "Conrad". So I heard what happened to the desk.
GEORGEThere was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.
CONRADYeah, well, whatever. See ya'
[Later at Jerry's]
[Jerry enters]
JERRYAh, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat!
[END SHOW]