The Yada Yada

Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.

GeorgeSo, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday.

MarcyWhy?

GeorgeI was naked.

MarcyOh, George.

JerryI saw it.

MarcyHow'd he look?

JerryOkay. I wouldn't see it again.

MarcyYou know, a friend of mine thought she got Legonare's disease in the hot tub.

GeorgeReally? What happened?

MarcyOh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up)

JerryI noticed she's big on the phrase "yada yada."

GeorgeIs "yada yada" bad?

JerryNo, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.

GeorgeShe is succinct.

JerryYeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)

GeorgeHey.

JerryHey, George, you know Tim Whatley.

GeorgeYeah, dentist of the stars.

JerryWhat's up?

TimI'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.

JerryExcuse me?

TimI'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.

JerryWell... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.

TimThanks.

GeorgeHey, where you just at the health club?

TimOh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks) % Elaine and Jerry at his place.

JerryElaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.

ElaineSo what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.

JerryBooze is not a religion.

ElaineTell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.

JerryOoh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage.

ElaineWhat are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.

JerryI gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.

ElaineAnyway, Beth and her new husband Arnie have listed me a reference for an adoption agency. They're trying to get a baby. (Kramer and Mickey enter wearing the same shirt)

KramerElaine, all right, who looks better in this shirt? Me or Mickey?

MickeyWe're double dating tonight, and if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots.

ElaineHmm, turn around. (They turn around) Both so striking.

KramerTell me about it. We just picked up two women at the Gap.

ElaineHow did you decide which one of you would date which girl? (They pause then look at each other) % Marcy and George in his car.

MarcySo I'm on 3rd Avenue, mindin' my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.

GeorgeWhat a succinct story.

MarcyI'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.

GeorgeOh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.

MarcyAre you close with your parents?

GeorgeWell, they gave birth to me, and, yada yada...

MarcyYada what?

GeorgeYada yada yada... % At Mickey and Kramer's date.

Karen(To Mickey, wearing the shirt Elaine looked at for them) I like your shirt.

MickeyOh, thank you. It's 100% cotton, and some wool.

KramerWell, you too seem to have the same taste.

JulieWell I like it, too.

KramerWell I have the same shirt.

MickeyYeah, well I'm wearin' it.

JulieI like your shirt too.

KarenOh, so do I.

KramerOh. (Waiter approaches table)

WaiterAnything to drink? Some wine, perhaps.

MickeyI like Merlot.

KarenI love Merlot.

JulieI'm crazy about Merlot.

KramerI live for Merlot.

WaiterWe're out of Merlot. % Cut to the adoption agency.

AgentSo you, uh, know Betha and Arnie pretty well?

ElaineOh, yeah, yeah.

AgentDo you socialize with them often?

ElaineYeah, we got out to dinner a lot. Usually Chinese, well sometimes Thai. And we go to the movies, Arnie's a real film buff.

AgentOh.

ElaineActually, I remember this one time, um, this is funny. Um, we went to see the movie Striptease. I don't know if you've seen... doesn't matter. Anyway, I was whispering something to Beth, and Arnie leens over to me, and he goes, "Would you SHUT UP?!" I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get ah-- But they're nice people. (Elaine tries to smile realizing her mistake) % Jerry is in the dental chair when George enters.

GeorgeOh, you're in here.

JerryWhat're you doing here?

GeorgeI knew you had an appointment.

JerryWell this is very awkward.

GeorgeI'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)

JerryHey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth.

GeorgeHey, what this thing? Whew!

JerryAll right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)

GeorgeHey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?

JerryGeorge...

TimUm...

GeorgeFine, I'll make an appointment. (He leaves)

TimAll right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?

JerryHey.

TimThose aren't mahtzah balls.

JerryTim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?

TimWhy not? I'm Jewish, remember?

JerryI know, but...

TimJerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.

Jerry5000.

Tim5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride. % Jerry and Elaine at Jerry's apartment.

JerryAnd then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.

ElaineWhy are you so concerned about this?

JerryI'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)

PhoneWould you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?

JerryYes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)

KramerI don't believe that.

MickeyIf you had gotten into the backseat of the car we could've figured this whole thing out.

KramerWhy were you holding the door open for?

MickeyNot for you! Who holds a door open for a man?

KramerWell, I thought it was a nice gesture. But I guess I was wrong!

MickeyLet's just put they're names in a hat.

KramerI don't even know their names! Look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left?

MickeyI'm not sure she was my type.

KramerOh, everybody's your type.

MickeyWhat the hell does that mean?

KramerYou've been married three times.

MickeyThat's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine)

JerryAll right, take it easy.

ElaineHey, hey, hey!

KramerCome on, let him go. You want throw? Let's throw!

ElaineHey! Hold on a second. All right, look, I got an idea. Why don't you just show up early for your next date, sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to.

MickeyThat's not bad.

KramerAll right, so we let the girls decide.

MickeyYeah, why should we knock ourselves out?

KramerYeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.

MickeyNo, no one wears the shirt next time.

KramerThat's right, 'cause they already saw it.

MickeyWe'll look like idiots. (They exit) % George and Marcy at Monk's.

GeorgeWell, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.

MarcySo what's she doing now?

GeorgeYada.

MarcySpeaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today. % Beth and Arnie see Elaine walking down the street.

ElaineBeth, Arnie, hi. What's up?

ArnieWell our adoption application was denied.

ElaineReally.

BethThe adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.

ElaineOh.

BethSo we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent.

ElaineUh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it. % Cut to the dentist waiting room.

JerryHow you doing?

FatherI have a discomfort in my molar. (Enter Tim)

TimWell, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits)

JerryWhatley. (Like "Newman") % At Kramer and Mickey's date, they enter to find the girls already at the table.

KramerWhat are they doing here?

MickeyI told you we should've gotten here a half hour early.

KramerAll right, all right. Now what're we gonna do?

MickeyAll right, don't panic. Let's just decide now. Which one do you want?

KramerAll right, I'll take Julie.

MickeyI knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.

KramerAll right, I'll take Karen.

MickeyNo, no, you think I'm fallin' for that? I'll take Karen.

KramerAll right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle) % Jerry's.

JerrySo Whatley sayd to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."

ElaineYou see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!

JerryDon't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him.

ElaineSo what're you gonna do?

JerryI think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.

Elaine(Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.

JerryThey're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?

ElaineThought it would be nice.

JerryPoor Beth.

ElaineHey, Arnie's just as upset.

JerryOh screw him! (George enters)

GeorgeListen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex.

Elaine(Raising hand) I've yada yada'd sex.

GeorgeReally?

ElaineYeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

JerryBut you yada yada'd over the best part.

ElaineNo, I mentioned the bisk.

GeorgeWell, I gotta do somethin'. (Walks over to bathroom. Kramer enters)

KramerWell, I gotta do somethin'.

JerryGeorge is already in there.

Kramer(Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.

JerryI thought you were leaning towards Julie.

KramerI was, but the one I thought was Julie turned out to be Karen. % George and Marcy at Monk's.

GeorgeWell it was a helluva yada yada.

MarcyHe's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada--

GeorgeAll right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yada's. Just give me the full story.

MarcyOkay.

GeorgeTell me about the free facial.

MarcyOkay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store.

GeorgeWhich one?

MarcyBloomingdale's.

GeorgeVery good. Go on.

MarcyOh, and I stole a Piaget watch.

GeorgeWhat's that?

MarcyAnd then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill.

GeorgeShoplifting.

MarcyWell, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause) % Jerry at the church approaches a nun.

JerryExcuse me, Mother?

NunSister.

JerrySister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?

NunWell not until tomorrow.

JerryHmm, I really need to speak with him. % Jerry enters confessional, sits down on kneeler. Father Curtis opens sliding door.

FatherThat's a kneeler.

JerryOh. (Adjusts accordingly)

FatherTell me your sins, my son.

JerryWell I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

FatherThat's no sin.

JerryOh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

FatherAnd this offends you as a Jewish person.

JerryNo, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes.

FatherWell.

JerryAnd they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.

FatherI haven't heard that one.

JerryOh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, "Those aren't buoys." (Father starts laughing) Father...

FatherOne second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.

JerryYou know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?

FatherUm...

JerryNewer magazines.

FatherNow if you'll excuse me. (Closes door. George enters confessional.)

GeorgeJerry, I gotta talk to you. % Kramer knocks on Karen's apartment door, she opens the door.

KramerHi.

KarenHi, Kramer.

KramerGot a minute?

KarenUh, actually my parents are over, but, would you like to meet them?

KramerSure.

Karen(Parents enter and are little people like Mickey) Mom, Dad.

KramerHi. % At Monk's, Arnie is talking to Elaine.

ArnieElaine, I have to ask you something. What exactly happened down there?

ElaineWell, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys and, da da da da da, more questions, bleh bleh bleh....

ArnieAll right, shut up!

ElaineAgain you are telling me to shut up?

ArnieWhat?

ElaineYou yelled that time at the movies. That's why you're not getting the baby.

ArnieOh my God. How am I gonna tell Beth?

ElaineLook, I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and I'll make sure that it all gets worked out.

ArnieAll right, just don't screw it up this time! (He exits)

ElaineSee, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling. % At the dentist, Tim is working on Jerry.

Jerry(In pain) Oh, are you about done?

TimI'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

JerryHuh?

TimFather Curtis told me about your little joke.

JerryWhat about all your Jewish jokes?

TimI'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.

JerryThe Jews?

TimNo, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?

JerryIs that why it's so hard to get an appointment? % Jerry enters his apartment to see Kramer talking on his phone.

KramerSo, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)

JerryDate with Karen?

KramerNo, Julie. She's the one.

JerryWhat happened to Karen?

KramerWell, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?

JerryOh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?

KramerOh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

JerrySo you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.

KramerThose people, listen to yourself.

JerryWhat?

KramerYou think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.

JerryKramer, he's just a dentist.

KramerYeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

JerryI am not an anti-dentite!

KramerYou're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.

JerryThey do have their own schools!

KramerYeah! % At the adoption agency...

ElaineOne little baby, whatever you have in stock.

AgentMiss Benes...

ElaineLook it, look it, Ryan. These people are gettin' a baby. Period. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the fun way. % Beth enters Jerry's place.

BethJerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me.

JerryWell, what's wrong?

BethI'm thinking of leaving Arnie.

JerryTalk to me.

BethHe met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair?

JerryWell, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.

BethBut we just got married.

JerryWell obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.

BethWhy would Elaine do that to me?

JerryForget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)

MickeyHey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.

JerryI'm kinda in the middle of something.

MickeyKaren and I are getting married.

JerryOh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.

Mickey(To Beth) How many is that for you?

BethTwo.

MickeyYou're a lightweight. Come on, honey. % One week later at the wedding. Elaine is sitting with adoption agent. Jerry enters with Beth.

ElaineHey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?

JerryBeth and Arnie broke up.

ElaineSo they don't want a baby?

Jerry(Shaking his head no) Pff.

Elaine(Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone)

JerryHey, where's Marcy?

GeorgeShe, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)

JerryHey, Kramer, over here.

KramerI just assume not sit next to you.

JerryKramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents.

ElaineNice looking family.

JerryVery handsome.

Kramer(To Mr. Abbott) How ya doing?

Mr. AbbottHey Kramer.

JulieOh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly)

JerryHi, Mr. Abbott.

Mr. AbbottThat's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.

BethWhat was that all about?

JerryOh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion.

BethHey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?

JerryWhat?

BethA dentist. (They laugh)

JerryThat's a good one. Dentists.

BethYeah, who needs 'em? Not to mention the Blacks and the Jews. (Jerry fakes a smile) % A little later.

ElaineWhere's Beth?

JerryShe went out to get her head shaved.

FatherWe are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony.

JerryThose wisdom teeth are tough to get out.

FatherMarriage is not an intervention to be entered lightly... Yada yada yada, I pronounce you man and wife. (They kiss, walk toward exit)

Karen(To Kramer) I really wanted you. {END SHOW]