The Butter Shave

No monologue

Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth.

A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal...

a moustache.

GeorgeWhat is Holland? Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium.

GeorgeNo, that's the Netherlands.

JerryHolland *is* the Netherlands.

GeorgeThen who are the Dutch? Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.

GeorgeI know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.

JerryI told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.

GeorgeWell why didn't we?

JerryBecause you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.

GeorgeWhat if we grew muttonchops?

JerryNo.

GeorgeBuzz cuts? Parachute pants!

JerryStop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job. George(resigned): Dammit. New scene. George approaches Jerry at the bar of a nightclub, carrying a cane.

GeorgeHey hey hey, check me out, huh?

JerryNo more crutches, that must be a relief.

GeorgeYeah, with crutches everyone has questions.

JerryNot with a cane?

GeorgeNah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those? George uses the cane handle to drag a bowl of pretzels over from the other end of the bar.

JerryAlways a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot.

GeorgeAlright, we're back in!

JerryWe? No. Club announcer (off camera): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania. Applause from off camera, then Bania walks up to the bar.

BaniaThank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, didja see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.

JerryKilled?

BaniaKilled. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good looking ones, too! (walking away): Hey, what's your name?

GeorgeKilled.

JerryBecause I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark.

GeorgeAnd you're the shark?

JerryYeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs.

GeorgeI don't know how a fish could eat laughs.

JerryWell, I'm glad I brought it up. New scene. Jerry's apartment. George and Jerry are there, clean shaven, George is on the phone. Kramer walks in wearing a moustache.

KramerGot any shredded coconut? Jerry (looking at Kramer's moustache): Uh, we're not doing that anymore.

KramerYeah, yeah, right. (walks out)

GeorgeOh my god.

JerryWhat?

GeorgeI got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.

JerrySo what's this job?

GeorgeOh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.

JerryKnicks? Rangers?

GeorgePlayground equipment.

JerryWelcome back to the show. Kramer walks back in, clean shaven.

KramerYeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?

JerryNo. George (holding his cane): I gotta hobble. (walks out) Kramer puts some aftershave on his lip.

KramerD-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving cream. I'm getting no protection.

JerryWhat kind do you use?

KramerWhatever you get. Jerry (nods): Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe.

KramerDon't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.

JerryRemember David Puddy?

KramerShe's dating him again, huh?

JerryWell, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order.

KramerBoy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. New scene. Atlas map of Scandinavia with Oslo, Norway highlighted. Cut to Elaine and Puddy in the back seat of a taxi.

PuddyWell, let's see, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. No wait, that's another ten kroner. A fimty kroner? How much is that?

ElaineWe have to break up.

PuddyWhat?

ElaineI can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!

PuddyWell what about you? What do you think The Gap in Rome has that's not in The Gap on Broadway?

ElaineOkay, alright listen. Forget about The Gap because we are through!

PuddyFine!

ElaineFine!

Cab driverOkay, terminal three. Have a nice flight. New scene. Interior of an airplane. Elaine and Puddy are seated together.

CaptainLadies and gentlemen, our flight time, with stopovers, will be approximately 22 hours. Elaine (to flight attendant): Hey, you gonna bust out that drink cart or what? New scene. Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Jerry are there.

KramerHey, what are you doing?

JerryOh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that.

KramerDid you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.

JerryHe killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.

KramerWell, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.

JerryWait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

KramerWhat?

JerryDo I have to ask?

KramerI ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy? Kramer starts to walk out, Jerry grabs him by the shirttail and drags him back.

JerryWhy are you buttering your face?

KramerI'm shaving with it.

JerryOh Moses smell the roses.

KramerJerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. Now feel my face.

JerryNo.

KramerFeel it.

JerryI don't want to.

KramerFeel it. Feel it. Jerry (places two slices of bread against Kramer's face): That is close. Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment. New scene. George's job interview at Play Now Sporting Goods.

GeorgeI got the job?

Mr. ThomassouloI don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, handicap.

GeorgeHandicap? (gesturing to his cane) I'm not handicapped.

Mr. ThomassouloI'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.

GeorgeYeah, I didn't mean that.

Mr. ThomassouloOf course you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom.

GeorgeWhen do I start?

Mr. ThomassouloWhenever you feel that you're able. (Rises to show George out) Um, you need a hand here.

GeorgeYeah, what the hell. New scene. Monk's. George and Jerry are in their regular booth.

JerryYou got the job?

GeorgeJerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.

JerryHold on, they think you're handicapped?

GeorgeYeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!

JerryHow can you do this?

GeorgeJerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.

JerryHe drove a car with no arms?

GeorgeAlright I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway!

JerryDo you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?

GeorgeI love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building. Kramer walks up holding an institutional sized container of butter.

KramerThey hooked me up.

GeorgeWhat's with all the butter?

KramerI'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?

JerryYou can eat it?

KramerNo, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body. Jerry smirks, Kramer walks away.

JerryOh my god, it's Bania and Jenna.

GeorgeWho?

JerryThe tooth brush in the toilet bowl. Bania and Jenna walk over.

BaniaHey Jerry, this is Jenna. Pretty good lookin' huh?

JennaJerry's the guy that I dated right before you.

BaniaOh. This is awkward.

JennaDon't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure. Bania and Jenna leave.

JerryI don't believe this.

GeorgeYou miss her, don't you?

JerryNo! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies.

GeorgeYou miss her. New scene. Puddy and Elaine on the plane. Puddy (to flight attendant): You know I think ultimately, I'm upset with myself. I knew what I was getting into, she's a bitter, unstable person. I mean the sex was good. I'm sure it was fine for her. I need more. Elaine (to another passenger): Huh. You believing this? Passenger (apologetic): Excuse me, I was sleeping.

ElaineYou missed quite a performance. Elaine drinks from a can of juice. Passenger (disbelieving): That's my apple juice. New scene. A "Handicapped George montage" at Play Now Sporting Goods. With "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton as the background, George rides up the stairs on a rail, is carried through the hall by a woman, is caught 'fencing' with his cane and fakes a lame knee, and trips a co-worker with the cane handle and gets laughs from everyone, including the man he tripped. New scene. Jerry walks into his apartment sniffing the air, followed closely by Newman.

JerrySomeone's cooking.

NewmanHello, Jerry.

JerryHello, Newman.

NewmanYou know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, "Why?" Are we really so different. For what is-- Jerry (cutting in): I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman.

NewmanDamn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.

JerryNo, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter - pause - Oh no!

NewmanButter? New scene. Back to the airplane. Elaine and Puddy indirectly attack each other. Passenger (explaining the coins to Elaine): -Fimty kroner. Elaine (to passenger): You know my last boyfriend, he had a real kroner comprehension problem. No what I mean? A real cement head. Puddy and the woman across the aisle share a laugh.

WomanDavid, you are so funny.

PuddyYeah, I know. Elaine (grabbing Puddy): What are you doing?

PuddyIt's a long flight, Elaine. I had to get on with my life.

ElaineBy making time with some floozy across the aisle?

PuddyYeah, that's right. Well, what's going on over there with you and, uh, vegetable lasagna?

ElaineThis guy? He's an idiot. he doesn't mean anything to me. Passenger (heretofore known as vegetable lasagna): I can here you.

PuddyWell, she doesn't mean anything to me either. If it were up to me, we'd still be together.

ElaineWell maybe I feel the same way.

PuddyOk.

ElaineOk, so now what?

PuddyLet's make out. New scene. Roof of Jerry and Kramer's building, very bright and sunny. Kramer is decked out shirtless and sleeping on a lawn chair, and he's bright red.

JerryKramer!

KramerOh, man. I think I cooked myself.

JerryLook at your skin.

KramerStick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done. New scene. Jerry's apartment, Kramer walks in.

KramerI'm fried.

JerryTechnically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for that?

KramerWell, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.

JerryIs that what the doctor said?

KramerNo, I read an article in Bon Appetite magazine. Kramer leaves, George enters, limping. George (sniffing): Hmm. Game hen?

JerryKind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?

GeorgeNo, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.

JerryWhat happened?

GeorgeWell, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --

JerryOh no, not you too?

GeorgeI must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...

JerryYou know what's good for that? Relish. Phone rings, Jerry answers.

JerryHello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. What? No. No! No! No!! No!!! Thank you. (Hangs up.) I don't believe this. They've added Bania to the network showcase and he's going on right after me.

GeorgeSo what, he's got a couple of good jokes.

JerryLike what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?

GeorgeThat's true, that always happens to me.

JerryYou think that's funny?

GeorgeI don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.

JerryYou like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!

Georgemaybe I am.

JerryOh, I'm gonna puke.

GeorgePuke! That's a funny word. Puke. (laughing) puke! Don't have to think about that. New scene. Elaine and Puddy on the plane.

ElaineI can't believe we broke up like that. Elaine starts reading, Puddy stares off into space.

ElaineDo you want something to read?

PuddyNah.

ElaineWell, are you going to take a nap or --

PuddyNah.

ElaineYou're just going to sit there staring at the back of a seat?

PuddyYeah. Elaine tries to read but cannot concentrate.

ElaineThat's it! I cannot take this! I mean, look at this, nothing has changed. We're back together two hours, we're having the same problems we had 12 hours ago.

PuddyTell me about it, I don't know why I ever took you back.

ElainePlease! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna here knows it. Vegetable Lasagna (apologetically): I don't want to get involved.

ElaineUgh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!

Vegetable LasagnaOh god. Elaine then slams her seat back several times into the legs of the passenger seated behind her.

PassengerOw! Ow!! New scene. Kramer's apartment, Kramer is in the hot tub, Newman is seated beside it, reading "Alive"

NewmanHow much longer you gonna be, I'm starving here.

KramerJust a few more squirts. Cause I gotta stay juicy.

NewmanThe smell. It's still with you, huh?

KramerYeah, it's baked on it. Put some butter in. Stir it up so it melts. Newman stirs the hot tub with a lacrosse stick, licking his lips and working himself up.

KramerAhh, now I'm simmering. Newman drops the stick and runs out.

NewmanI'll meet you at the coffee shop. New scene. George and Mr. Thomassoulo at Play Now.

Mr. ThomassouloGood morning, George. Is something wrong with your other leg?

GeorgeOh, no, that's just the old handicap acting up.

Mr. ThomassouloBut your cane's on the wrong side.

GeorgeThat's just because we're standing on opposite sides. See, when we met, I was over there and you were over here so the image was reversed, like in the mirror. They walk over to a mirrored wall.

GeorgeSee? This looks right to you, doesn't it?

Mr. ThomassouloUh, yeah, I guess. George (passes cane from right to left and back a few times): But, see here. Right. Wrong. Right. Wrong. Right. Right. Wrong--

Mr. ThomassouloWill you stop it, George? Just stop it! I think I can see what's going on here. New scene. Jerry's apartment, there's a beeping sound coming from the hall. Jerry opens the door, George rolls in on a Rascal scooter.

GeorgeWell, you're not gonna believe what happened.

JerryYou mugged Stephen Hawking?

GeorgePlay Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house. George rides around the apartment.

JerryWell it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour. Jerry's phone rings, he answers it.

JerryHello?

ElaineJerry.

JerryHey, Lainie, how's the trip going?

ElaineAwful. This trip was a *huge* mistake. Huge!

Vegetable LasagnaPlease don't shout. I can't take it.

JerryWho's that?

ElaineIt's Vegetable Lasagna.

JerryWho?

ElaineVegetable Lasagna!

Vegetable LasagnaMy name is Magnus.

ElaineShut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!

JerryGet me some duty free Kahlua. Jerry hangs up.

GeorgeHow's the trip?

JerrySounded good. George. Well. Gotta motor.

JerryHey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight.

GeorgeAh, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?

JerryThat's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off.

GeorgeWhat are you talking about? You're not!

JerryThat's right, I'm taking a dive.

GeorgeYou're throwing the set?

JerryI'm laying down! Then let's see how he does up there, without all the assistance.

GeorgeListen Jerry. Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.

JerryWe're four months apart.

Georgenevertheless. His time has come. George tries to back out but his front wheel becomes wedged under Jerry's coffee table.

GeorgeNow if you will kindly help me unwedge my front wheel, I'll be on my way. Jerry ignores him, George leans on his horn. New scene. Newman is seated at the counter at Monks, mumbling to himself.

NewmanButter. Kramer. Butter. Kramer. The waitress brings a roasted turkey out on a tray. Newman hallucinates Kramer's head on the turkey. Kramer/turkey (waving wing): Hey buddy. Newman screams and runs out of Monks. New scene. Jerry and Kramer in the back room of a comedy club

KramerWhat are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?

JerryThat's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot. Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry removes his jacket to reveal a pair of rainbow colored suspenders.

JerryIf you'll excuse me. Jerry bolts through the kitchen door, presumably towards the stage. Jerry (OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh? New scene. Jerry is on stage at the comedy club, Kramer is in the audience.

JerryWhat's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade? Kramer laughs hysterically, he's the only one.

JerryAnd what's with people getting sick?

NewmanHee hee! Yeah yeah!

JerryI mean, what's the deal with cancer?

Man in audienceI have cancer!

KramerOh, tough crowd. New scene. George is riding his Rascal scooter on a city sidewalk when he accidentally bumps another scooter as its owner and some friends are walking out of a nearby store.

ManHey, hey! You dented my ride. George walks back to inspect the damage.

GeorgeWhatcha got there, the 4 volt? Heh, I did you a favor.

ManHow about I do you a favor upside your head?

GeorgeOh yeah?

ManOh yeah. George leaps back on his scooter and floors it.

ManHey!

WomanGet the bikes. New scene. Jerry returns to the comedy club kitchen to a chorus of boos. he's soaked with sweat. Kramer and Bania are there.

BaniaOuch.

KramerYou didn't do so bad.

JerryWhat are you talking about? I bombed!

KramerNo, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? It was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.

JerryLike who?

KramerLike that guy who yelled out.

JerryHe had cancer!

KramerAnd laughter is the best medicine.

JerryHey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you. Club Announcer (OC): Ladies and gentlemen, Kenny Bania! Bania walks out, Jerry leaves, Newman walks in.

KramerHey, Jerry, he could have used your laugh. He was a big turkey out there. Newman (salivating): Turkey?

KramerA big fat turkey.

NewmanI'm sorry I missed that.

KramerHe worked so hard and then he just-- Kramer accidentally knocks over a bowl of oregano, getting it all over himself.

KramerWhat is this, oregano? Just then the other kitchen door swings open and a chef busts through carrying a bowl of Parmesan cheese. he trips and empties the bowl all over Kramer.

KramerLook at me! I'm all covered in oregano and Parmesan, and it's sticking to me because of the butter! Look at me! Newman, still salivating, now with a vacant stare, grabs a bunch of green leaves and hands them to Kramer.

NewmanHere. Hold this.

KramerWhat is this, parsley? Newman makes as if to attack Kramer. New scene. Jerry watching Bania from the wing.

JerryAh, the sweet stench of failure. Kramer and Newman, locked in struggle, run past Jerry and onto the stage.

KramerGet off of me, get off of me! New scene. City sidewalk, George is leading an extremely low speed chase. Action movie music plays, and pedestrians walk by faster than the scooters. George's battery dies and his scooter stops.

ManNow I got you! George jumps up from the scooter, picks it up and begins hauling it as fast as he can. He meets up with Mr. Thomassoulo who's exiting a building at that moment.

Mr. ThomassouloGeorge? Your legs!

GeorgeAre you a religious man, sir?

Mr. ThomassouloNo. Unbeknownst to George, the old man catches up to him and is about to lay into him with a cane.

ManEat hickory!! The man swings the cane at George's head, mercifully the scene changes to Jerry, sitting in the bar at the comedy club drinking a glass of champagne. Bania walks in.

BaniaHey Jerry, didja see it?

JerryOuch. Two men in suits walk in and introduce themselves.

StuKenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there.

JerryWhat?

JayThat thing you did having the two guys running through? I love stuff you don't have to think too much about

StuGive us a call. We want to be in the Kenny Bania business.

JayBy the way, Jerry? The suspenders? A little hacky.

BaniaHow about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again.

JerryOh, I'm gonna puke.

BaniaPuke? That's a funny word. Can I use that? New scene. Exterior of NYC airport.

ElaineDavid, this has been the worst month of my life and if I never see you again it'll be too soon.

PuddyDitto.

ElaineOh that's origi-

PuddyShut up. Elaine gets into a taxi cab.

Elaine86th and Broadway please.

Cab driverI'm sorry lady, there's a cab shortage. The Transit Police are making everybody share. Puddy enters the cab on the left.

ElaineOh no. Vegetable Lasagna enters the cab on the right.

Vegetable LasagnaHello! (sees Elaine) Oh no. I'm sorry.

ElaineNoooooooooooo! Cab rides away.

[END SHOW]